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cat61
cat61 Member Posts: 64
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
It may not be right. I know its not wrong. I feel alone, so very alone. Its there, always there to remind me, almost taunting me. The empty panic fills me making me desperate and sad. Wanting to run and leave it behind. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change things. But then would that leave me a better person ? Panic and sadness are my new friends they wont let go of my hand.
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  • Elizabeth1889
    Elizabeth1889 Member Posts: 1,036
    edited April 2012

    catno, If it is any consolation, a lot of BC survivors feel the same way you do. The possible recurrence of BC is always in the back of my mind, even on my best days. I am just hoping that the thoughts will lessen as time goes on. I have heard that it takes about two years to feel like your normal self again.

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  • Califgirl12
    Califgirl12 Member Posts: 92
    edited April 2012

    I feel your pain and I am right there with you.  I am the absolute only person in my gigantic family who has every had BC.  My family is very very supportive, but I totally see the worry in their eyes.  We are much closer now than ever, so there have been good blessings that I have found along my journey. 

     I had a bad experience today with a substitute RO today and almost started crying.  Instead, I buckled down and had a little talk with myself.  I decided, unless she has been in my exact shoes, how the heck can she know how this feels and who is she to criticize my efforts to try and help myself....

    I wish you all happy thoughts and a calm heart.

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  • julie1121
    julie1121 Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2012

    I thought the same when I was diagnosed and made the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction when it was recommend by the tumor board to have a lumpectomy. my mother had breast cancer twice and I was not going to go through all the mental stress of wondering if it would come back. interesting by law the insurance companies have to pay for what we women want or feel we need for mental sanity. I was a size 34B my fantastic plastic surgeon told the insurance would go up to C which is the limit was I surprised when I went to VS to be fitted I was a 34D and the girls look great fit my body size and no worries about recurrence. lots of hugs to everyone

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  • Shelly1953
    Shelly1953 Member Posts: 35
    edited April 2012

    I've been there and know exactly how you feel.  It sounds like you may need an antidepressant.  I know I did, plus Ativan on a daily basis.  Your primary doctor would prescribe this.  Don't try to brave it out.  Take the drugs.  You won't have to be on them forever but you need them now.  I had a really hard time with the chemo, whined and cried a lot, was sick to my stomach.  My husband said do whatever you want to do to make it more acceptable for yourself.  I even cried during my treatment a couple of times  (Nurses are used to it...you won't be the first) And the nurses ended up asking me to talk to new patients by the end of my treatments, I had such a turnaround.  Again, I needed the antidepressand (did you know that chemotherapy destroy the seritonin in your system?  That's what causes happiness and calmness.  No wonder I was a mess) I'm 2 1/2 years out from my initial surgery.  When they tell you 6-12 mos.  for recovery, it's not set in stone.  I feel I'm still working on getting my strength back, but I have other health issues that slowed down recovery.  But bottom line,  Do drugs, don't try to brave it, talk to other patients during treatment, you'd be surprised on the tips you'll get from others.  You are not alone, talk to your loved ones with how you are feeling.  Most of the time they don't know how to handle the disease with you.  You'll get through this and a few years from now you'll be saying, "I did pretty good through my treatments!"  You are not alone!

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  • cat61
    cat61 Member Posts: 64
    edited April 2012

    Wow , thank you for your support everyone. When I wrote that I was very sensitive, the day had been a hard day. I am very lucky , I have family at work, I call them that because they are like my family. I spend enough time with them, lol. My husband is very suportive to. Hes coming with me to see my surgeon, its my first visit and I need him there. I am a very positive person on a normal basis, but some days are harder than others. I want to see how far I can go without the additional drugs, I am an all natural kind of girl so the longer the wait the better. But that's not to say I wont hesitate if I see myself getting into a bad state, my husband is a good judge of my self being, and I trust his judgement. I feel so much better when I come onto this site, because I know everyone on the site is like me, and that is very comforting to me. Thank you again and I hope to hear from you again. And for me writing my feelings down helps me to see the words and digest them and work through the feelings and deal with them. I talk a lot about this with my husband and he gives me feedback as well. But to talk to people on here helps me to because you feel what I feel, he fortunately will never , hopefully feel the way I and you all feel. 

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  • cat61
    cat61 Member Posts: 64
    edited May 2012

    I'm going in on Wednesday the ninth to have my mastectomy. I will be having an expander put in at the time of my mastectomy. I am saddened by the fact that I will be losing a part of myself, but happy that the cancer will be taking a hike. I hope that it hasn't spread, and i wont need to worry about it making its way to anywhere else in my body. I'm scared about how i will react to the way i will look. I worried that I wont be attractive to my husband anymore. I'm afraid that I wont like the new me. But I also know that I will be getting a new boob back in exchange. I have always been a natural is as natural does. I don't like fake or fakeness. I understand i will be doing this so I look like I used to but it pisses me off that I have to be doing it in the first place. Why did this have to happen, why me, and why now. I hate the cancer I hate how it is changing my life , how it is rearaning my life. It is controlling my life and making me do things to myself that I would never do. But again, I also know that I will come out of this a better , stronger and more confident person than I already am. For that, I begrudgingly thank it.

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  • cat61
    cat61 Member Posts: 64
    edited May 2012

    I have gone and had my mastectomy, it was on the 9th of May, 2012. I was so scared and tired of waiting to do something about the breast cancer.

    I thought that the first thing I would do was touch my left side and search for my breast. And that they had bad news, that the cancer was larger than they had thought and that I had very little time to live. I didn't want to wake up, really.

    I knew this was a silly thing to think but I did nonetheless, I told my dh about what I thought and was thinking and he assured me that that wasn't going to happen and that he would be right there when I woke up to reassure me that all was well. And he was and it was.

    The second hardest thing for me was to look at myself when I was ready to take my first shower! It took almost five minutes for me to let go of the wrap and goze that was around me. My dh had to take my left hand and gently take the wrap and goze out of my hand and take it away. Then I couldn't look down, I started crying and hating the whole thing. I was so scared to find myself ugly and misshapen, damaged goods.

     Instead I looked at my husband through tear drenched eyes and saw that he was looking and he wasn't shielding his eyes from my ugliness, but instead his eyes were wide and he was saying to me, Honey its okay you can look. I said i cant , I cant. He put his warm hand on my right cheek and looked me straight in my teary eyes and said very quietly, It looks good , you look fine, hold onto my hand and look.

    I wiped my eyes and said okay, I took his hand and glanced down at my left side. And he was right, it was fine. I looked into the mirror in front of me and was surprised to see that I wasn't deformed and ugly, I was in fact okay. My left side were my left  breast used to be looked fine, through the tape and bandages I looked normal, like myself.

    And then of course I cried again, this time with relief. I hugged my dh and we went and had a shower. I have never been so intimate with someone about something so intimate about myself. It was a huge matter to get past and I made it, stronger and more proud of myself. I knew I could do it , I just needed some help. 

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