husband's "proposition"

Wow! That is beautiful Julie. That is what I have meant all along. Your husband is your knight in shining armor. You love and respect his manhood regardless of traditional sexual capabilities. And you have openly and honestly worked out ways to be intimate mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually and I bet spiritually too.



You don't hold resentments with each other either I bet. You don't hold it against him for self pleasuring. You share fantasies/dreams. You hug and kiss and cry together. Absolutely beautiful.



This is what I hope for all of us. Either from the man we are with or for the man we have next. I want to copy this w out your name and show it to my man, so he can read what I talk about.

Julie1121- sounds like a good marriage and friendship added.

Wow!  I don't know if anyone is still following this thread or not but I feel very strongly about adding another male perspective on this one.  Not only for Minxie, but for other women facing this same type of situation.  Not because I think I am right, but because I think understanding one another's mind can be helpful in effectively coming to a compromise and working through these types issues because we truly are different.  That is why I am here now, I am trying to understand the other side before it becomes a potentially marriage ending problem in the future for my own situation since we are just beginning our journey.

First, Minxie, great job in finding the courage to tell him to get out!  Though, I will say my attitude wasn't this way from my initial reading of your dilemma.  Working two jobs, dealing with breast cancer and kids while he sits on his ass?  That would have been the clencher right there, not the proposition.

Now, a little about me (feeling like a goldfish in a piranha tank here, but I am going to be frank and honest, and I ask for nothing more than honesty from any of you that wish to respond) my wife was diagnosed last week with triple negative breast cancer, she's only 31 and I am 32.  We have a young daughter togethor.  To say the diag. was devastating to us is an understatement.  With no previous family history, it came completely out of left field.  I had no idea what triple negative was until I researched it more and that didn't make things any better...at all.  I have been the one explaining the situation to family, friends and work when it is too tough for her to talk about it.  Not that it's any easier for me, especially when I cry in public (so manly), but I signed up to be her rock, and her rock I will be. 

So, I spent the first week organizing appointments, finding the best doctors for second opinions, researching the disease, listening to the doctors when she was too shocked to hear, challenging other doctors methods of treating this particularly nasty form of BC all the while trying to sooth her, spend time with our daughter, resume a "normal" work life and lick my own emotional wounds.  The day to day life is hard to get back into the swing of things.  Fortunately my work is very understanding and let me take a few days off and any time I needed to be with her for appts.  I held her hand through every appt. the doctors let me, including the biopsy which seemed especially brutal (I watched, she closed her eyes and squeezed my hand).  I plan to be there for every other appt. chemo treatment and proceedure I can be.  I am absolutely telling you the truth when I say I LOVE my wife to pieces.  She is my best friend, and so much more.  With this diagnosis I am terrified I will lose her far too soon and I will be lost without her.  I could spout my love for this women for pages, she knows it and so do our family and friends, and yet I know I will probably get flamed for some of the things I am going to say.

Previous to this the only real spats we have had were about sex, everything else is incredible...no, really, I mean it.  Her libido took a nose-dive after childbirth.  I get it, hormones changing, body changing, no time for anything but the baby etc. Plus you guys get what I call "mommy" brain.  Everything is about what the baby needs, not about your relationship with your husband.  Look,  Sex for men is roughly 80% physical and 20% mental, for women I feel this is roughly reversed.  If your mind is not on it, you couldn't care less if you ever had it again.  Not so for us, the wind blows right while we're naked and, well, we get this thing that is hard to ignore. 

Try this, 

Next time your thirsty try and ignore it.  You might be able to for a while, but it's a physical response of your body telling you what you need. Tell that feeling to go away, did it work? No?  Well drink a drink you don't care for at all (safety tested pond water anyone?) to quench your thirst.

That may be an over-simplification, but I think the analogy stands tall.  True, we will not die if you do not give us sex, but in turn you will not die if we do not give you emotional support either, yet you demand it of your spouse and complain profusely if he is unable to give it adequately.  Don't believe me?  Look through some of the other posts in this forum.  Fortunately for you all there are forums and the like this to give you emotional support if your husband cannot adequately give it, yet if he were to do the same for his needs...well, many of you have expressed your position on that one.

I can't speak for other husbands, but I give emotional support to the best of my ability, regardless if I feel like it or not, because she needs it now more than ever.  In return for everything I give I would like my wife to give me the same curtousy despite not "feeling" like it (not able to is completely different).  As for just letting us "get off" while you lay there, I equate that to masturbation with an aid, or maybe even drinking something a little more desireable than pond water when I am thirsty.  I will take care of my needs by myself and not seek comfort from another should she ever become unable to be sexual with me, but when she chooses not to it hurts and considerations may change (deny me a cool drink of filtered water and make me drink the pond water because she doesn't want to allow me to have the filtered water I may look for someone willing to share their cool filtered water.  If all you have is pond water I will drink without complaint)  

I can see the eyes rolling.  I believe sex with your spouse is a connection and a crucial part of a happy relationship and if both aren't in it it can be miserable and extremely damaging.  For those who are married, sex is a very personal connection you vowed to make with only one person in the world, when that one person becomes none it's hard to live with for the one that feels like they need it. 

Fortunately my spouse is coming to understand I need to feel wanted to stay commited, and things were getting much better before this all happened. 

Now that we have the diagnosis I am not expecting her to look past this and focus on my needs, how can she?  she was just told she may not be able to have any more kids, something we were trying before diagnosis, let alone meet her grandkids.That tends to shake you up a bit and you tend to not care about anything but beating this god damned thing.  I GET IT!  I am going to do everything in my power to ensure she is here for many more years.  I will never ask her to do anything she is unable to do throughout treatment and beyond, whatever the outcome.  Should she beat this, and I believe she will, I do expect her to do everything she can to uphold her end of the sexual realtionship.  I will continue to do my part and I would expect her to tell me anything she needs to keep things going, and I will do my damndest to make sure she has it!

 Thank you for your time and CONSTRUCTIVE feedback,

or,

Let the flaming begin.

Reminds me of a song lyric "......poor, poor, pitiful me,......" . When my husband puts himself out there for me. Does things for me, without me having to ask over and over again. Takes responsibility for doing things that I normally do for a change, takes a vacation that I want rather than what he wants, I am all over him like ants on a birthday cake. We expect you to be the rock when we are down and out because that is what we would do for you if the roll was reversed. Don't make like it is something special to be that way. If you weren't the rock then we would eventually kick you out the door. Your wife is in shock over her diagnosis and your worried about "getting some?" Grow Up! Your wife has enough to worry about without being worried about you leaving because she can't focus on your needs right now. I guarantee you that she will be there for you when she gets through this treatment if you are there for her to hold onto at night without the threat of having to perform sex in order to be held in your arms for comfort. Get up and take some of the child are chores at night so she can try to relax a little. Triple negative doesn't have to be a death sentence. You need to go to the triple negative threads and see that there are a lot of multi year survivors out there. In the beginning everyone is petrified. I'm going to give you credit for being honest and putting yourself out there but now is the time to put your wife's needs first, your child's needs 2nd and your personal needs last. If you can manage that then I figure that your wife will find it in herself to give you what you need from her because you became her knight in shining armor when she needed you to be. It make take awhile because of treatment but it will come back. So....., if you truly love your wife and child as you profess, ....... suck it up!

Snobird. If you read my whole post, it was long I know, you would know I am not looking for anything right now. I'm here for her and her every step of the way. I have always been her rock and I will continue to do so. I do take care of the child, cook, and clean as well as work from 6 am to 4 at my regular job While she works mid day. These thoughts were stemming from when she didn't feel like it a year after child birth (non life threatening), and I am afraid we'll be worse off after treatment.

I  know its not a death sentence, I've helped her post on the TN forum and I am confident she will come out of this stronger. I'm looking to avoid issues in our future which is why I stumbled across this post.

she tells me all the time I'm a great husband and I  believe she means it.

I  do try.

cheryl1946,

We talked about it at length. Tried romance, toys, libido pills, videos...she just didn't feel like it.  Just never driven to it, she would accommodate me to make me leave her alone, then I would feel guilty for putting pressure.

Funny you say that.  Now  that we have the dx I think sex has been on the upswing.  I am just afraid of what things will be like after the treatment and we're mostly of the woods.  Its hard not to take it personal when your  parter is completely able to have sex with you, they just never feel like it.  Truly am not worried about sex now or in the near future (5months of chemo and surgery coming up).  I'm going to let her fight this thing and leave that aspect alone and be there to support her through the thick and thin.  I just can't stand the thought of a near sexless marriage at 32 after all is said and done.

Don't__

Maybe some sort of counselling? I'm not a believer in it,but maybe it would help during and after treatment.

Just a thought.

Cheryl

The original poster gave so many of us a gift. She dared to speak of sex, those of us who are 28 and those of us who are 75 (I apologize if I slight men or women older than that) know how fraught that is. And she got all of the men and women who posted here to open their minds and hearts.

I married young 22, he was 24. Our first child as born when I was 28. We grew up together. We are best friends. I haven't had the courage to talk with him about how much has changed...until now. Thank you all

I'm afraid that social training plays a huge role in the misunderstanding, frustration, and damage that sex can wreak on relationships.  In the very tiny amount of dabbling I've done in porn, I got completely bored.  The recipe is the same over, and over, and over again.  Women get pleasured just enough so they can give pleasure, and the denouement is the same:  a woman is most fulfilled when she finishes her man off in style (you get the picture without the details).  Sex drives can be dampened by all these messages, too.  I think it's a miracle women do as well as they do with all the insane messages we are constantly bombarded with.

Miss Representation is a great new film on this topic.

And I agree, it is beautiful to hear people discussing this openly.  How lucky we are to live in a society where this is possible.  I work part time in a country where this would really not be possible.

TheDevinMrsM

I wish I could say it was that simple...

My wife and I were EXTREMELY sexual for the first five years of our relationship or so, then things cooled off a bit which was fine because a bit wasn't limited to a couple times a month. I married her for many reasons but were talking about sex so I will say her sexual appetite matched mine nicely at the, "I do's." It wasn't until our first child was born that she just wasn't interested. All her focus was on the child without a thought to sex, which I was fine with until about a year/hear and a half into it. The baby no longer needed her 24 7. She was no longer breast feeding. Yet there were still no more sexy surprises. No more crazy valentines. Anniversary sex? Maybe. Compliance sex...ok. It wasn't on her mind unless i was making the advances which just annoyed her, even if they were subtle.



Counseling was almost an option. Then she started trying again. And now here we are. Things are fine now. Just concerned she'll slip back into something even harder to work through after all of this.



My main concern now is not sex. I want her healthy again, that's all. I wasn't even going to post here but i was browsing, saw he topic i felt strongly about and couldn't help but post.

So sorry Eric...I hate this disease...it is taking away our young women!!!!!!!!!! ugg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question Dont_take_the_girl

Did your wife go on the pill after she had the baby?  The pill is known to zap the libido.

"Men want to feel appreciated. They want to feel desired."

So do women!
In sickness and in health , for better or for worse...do people not take their vows seriously anymore ?!