Does the looming dread of recurrence ever go away?

I'm not stage III (but only 1 node away from it). It gets better for most of us.

You have to realize that  your risk of getting into a car accident is probably pretty high but you don't worry about it every time you get into a car. You put on your seat belt and drive safely. Same with breast cancer.  You do what you need to do to reduce risk: treatment, exercise, maintain a healthy weight, reduce alcohol consumption, etc.

In order to be a survivor you need to enjoy life. None of us know when our final day is. There's always that bus we need to watch out for too.

I'm 3 years out, and believe it or not, I can actually go days at a time without worry. My MO told me he doesn't want me to forget, he wants me to be vigilant. I've found it extremely helpful to focus on staying healthy: exercise, eating well,  staying clear of pollutants, etc. It's something I can do to take a measure of control over my health. I feel good about living a healthier, cleaner lifestyle and I wind up enjoying each day even more.

I think so too (about the staging) - I don't think my MO puts a lot of empasis on staging in general - I wouldn't even know mine if I hadn't seen it on my chart.  She isn't big into stats, numbers of any kind from what I gather.

Give it time. When you are going through treatment breast cancer is all you can think about. Once you start to physically feel good again, more like your old self the fear really does start to go away.

As many have said, it does get better. I am almost three years out from dx and though I still think about bc every day (I come on the boards every day!), I am not living in fear every day. There is a difference. As more time goes on, the fear factor certainly diminishes, though it is still hard to imagine getting to a place where I don't think about it at all!

I am only a few weeks out from end of treatment, and it is getting hard not to worry about recurrence.  It is true that ending treatment is in some ways like leaving the safe womb, especially after 32 RADS where I could see or talk to a doctor or nurse any day with any concerns.  For me, it's been thinking I've found inflamed lymph nodes.  I haven't had any aches or pains.  Right now, I'm worried about a round, tender spot that has formed under my scar where it ends in the center of my chest on my (supposedly) prophylactic side.  I have an appointment about that on Friday.

Look at me, six years out...and I still feel like I'm living under a black cloud. I've had a few scares over the years (most of them necessitating nuclear bone scans) but so far have dodged the Stage IV bullet which I'm certain is heading my way. I used to try to imagine the scenario of my onco giving me that Stage IV diagnosis, so I could be more "prepared"...but actually, medical technology is a moving target and if I can just put it off long enough they might have come up with better & more effective treatments.  

I SO feel where you are - your post pretty much mirrors one I wrote my first year after treatment!

Best wishes to all - Julie

Waving to you Sugarplum.  Love the picture.

Recurrence always weighs on my mind.  It takes a while to learn how to live with the knowledge that you can't take living to a ripe old age as a given.  Each day is a blessing.   Some days it is easier than others to keep the worry from taking control.  Luckily, my onc does not do regular scans so I don't have the extra anxiety about that.  And my gp is really good at following up any concerns that I have with the necessary tests.

What drives me crazy is when people say 'be patient' about things.  I want to yell that I can't be patient anymore.  I have to go after what I want instead of just going through the motions of life and 'waiting' for things to happen.  Does that make any sense? 

I am 6 years out from diagnosis and the fear is still there but nothing like it was immediately following treatment.  For me, once the physical fight was over the psychological battle began.  For a long time I just pushed the fear away but I finally realized that I was living in almost constant fear and not enjoying my life.  It was like I thought that if I played out the scenario of having a recurrence I would somehow be prepared for it.  I finally decided to mention the fear to my docs and they convinced me to go for counseling.  It was the BEST thing I have ever done!  It did not take long for me to get a handle on the fears and to develop strategies to handle those times when I became anxious.  I just needed to process what I had gone through.  There was no time to process any of it when first diagnosed and in treatment.  I was just trying seem "normal" to those around me and I was trying to keep a sense of normalcy for my then 4, 6 and 8 yr. old daughters.

Don't think that just because you are done or near the end of treatment that things will go back to the way they were before.  You have been through a life altering event.   That doesn't mean you will be feeling how you are now, all the time.  It just takes some time to adjust and get back on course.  I never thought I would live without constant fear but here I am, doing just that.  You will too.

Mary, I had the same thing.  Drove me crazy because I couldnt even touch that sensitive spot.  I just had to check when I was reading your post.  It's just a little tender but nothing like it was.

I was told that the burns you have on the outside from rads are 3 times worse on the inside.  Just need time to heal and most of that all goes away.  Save people like Bugs and Sugarplum to your favorites.  That way when they post something you are notified.......they are a huge part of feeling better.  A great inspiration to me.  THANKS GALS

Pip, did you have any scans done?  I had my initial breast MRI before surgery and a CT scan after chemo because my groshang became badly infected and broke inside me.  Was stuck and then didnt put me under when they removed it.  Spent 5 days in the hospital 103 temp.  Was NOT good.  Now that I am done with chemo and rads, I beg for a scan to know that tx did what was intended.  But I get nowhere

I'll be 2 years in July and it has gotten better for me but it was a very slow process, I agree with Carol.  And even now some days I get it on my mind and have a low day.  I try to stay busy and that helps.  What helped me most is telling myself, I have no control over this and no matter how much I think or worry about it....it's still going to suck, be hard and I won't ever be prepared.  All the worrying or freting over it will not make it easier or prepare me, it's only wasting the days I have.  It would actually ruin my days with my children and I was this angry and bitter person.  I don't want them to remember me like that or waste the time I have with them, I had to let it go.  It took so much from me and I was tired of it taking.  I do think about BC everyday but as Gilly said I don't think of the reoccurence, there is a difference.  The first year is rough and it takes time to heal, hang in there it's still early.

Yes, it does get better with time!  I can tell you I've been through more than a few scares along the way, and I echo what Bugs says about it getting easier to "close that box".  Every day is a blessing, and I'm so thankful and appreciative.  That's what keeps me going...

I had to post on this thread cuz that's the frame of mind I was in but it's just starting to turn around.  My dx was April 2011, tons of nodes (close to 20) and since out the other end of a long rough treatment. 

Yesterday met with surgeon for one final clinical, had pre-op bloodwork and in 2 weeks the port is gone.  I take this as the first milestone in that this is the surgeon telling me early on that my cancer was extremely aggressive and to expect a long hard road to battle - yesterday it was he that said I've done great and it's time for the port to come out, having been given NED after tons of testing.  Also, at 57, my 40th HS reunion is next year and the memorial page is ever growing.  Seeing at least 20 of our former classmates no longer with us, reminds me that my mother died at 47 year sold so I've outlived her by 10 years and "kids" my own age, some by over 15 years.  That's not a consolation but it puts things more into perspective so I'm going more easy on myself!

Hope you don't mind if I post here. I feel like there is not a good place for us Stage 2Bs This post is full of inspiration and I needed some of that today. It was one of the days where all I did was think about recurrence. Thank you:)

Almost 3 years since my dx.  And finding out I'm BRCA 2+.  My dx was slightly worse than my sister's (she was IIIa and I was IIIc) who passed away from BC in 2005.  But I feel better with every month that passes by.  I concur with what the other ladies have said.  It's been a hard road getting here, but I don't worry about BC everyday like I did for the first two years.  It's my past and not my future.