Family/Friend Relationship changes after cancer diagnosis ??'s

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Kayce234
Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I should probably be talking to a therapist (met a great one when first diagnosed) but really not a sit in person and talk type.  I'm wondering if others with BC have ended up reevaluating their life, friends and family and finding they don't want to put up with the crap any longer?  Back when I was first diagnosed my sisters family was extremely cruel to me and with help of my therapist I was able to tell them I couldn't be around them and that I had to focus on myself and my recovery and my kids.  Since that time, my sister has cut my mother out of her life (my mother lives in a house attached to mine), avoided going to any family function where I will be - skipped my cousins 40th in April and will be skipping another cousins 40th in a few weeks.  Everyone around me has nothing to say about this - they all say "I don't want to get in the middle" etc.  I have never said I would not be in the same room in with my sister - I have said that I can be civil for the sake of others - my cousins are more important and this is about them not me, so I'm not sure why my sister is acting like a 2 yr old and avoiding parites.  My biggest problem is my cousins, sibilings, "friends" who use the excuse of "I' don't want to get in the middle" to not say anything.  I feel like people can say "Hey I think what you said/did is wrong and I also think you need to show up at family events" without it being them picking sides - hey if they want to say it to me fine - although the only thing I said to my sister was actually said on these boards (she found the boards and used my postings against me) and I said to her daughter that I thought she was a self centered spoiled brat --- which she is - sorry I'm honest when you are 20 and say to me "now now your not the first person to get cancer" I'm going to go back at you - won't apologize for it I meant it - probably could apologize for the way I said it.

 The thing with my sister ---(which I have to say I'm over because to be honest I feel nothing for her at all - sounds sad but I really don't)-- has affected my relationship with a particular cousin.  We haven't seen this cousin in over 20 years (long family story) but since we got back together we have been extremely close.  Well this cousin had my sister over  and decided she needed to lie to me about it - she said she talked to my sister on the phone when in fact my sister was at her house (big deal why do I care) She also told me my sister gave her some information to get intouch with my cousins deceased fathers old girlfriend - which is great!  BUT  the relationship I thought I had with my cousin was one that she would have called me the minute she got off the phone with the girlfriend - NOT 3 wks later when she's telling me she lied about my sisters visit. 

My best friend is also facebooks friends with my sister and has posted on her wall which enrages me ---- she knows everything that was said - read the emails from my sisters family and the 3 page letter from  sister about my postings on this board - yet she still posts to her!

Any way I'm just trying to find some sanity and hear from others to see if you are having the same problems and how you are dealing.  I feel like I'd rather not have you in my life than to have you in my life balancing on a line trying not to "get involved" .  I don't want people in my life who feel the need to lie to me or feel like they need to let people get away with hurting others while they keep their mouths shut.  I'm a person who has put up with being hurt for years and wrote it off and my cancer has changed me - it's made me say NO MORE I'm done.  Am I horrible for wanting to remove these people from my life and just focus on my husband, kids, mom and close friends?  I feel like I want to focus on the people who respect, support and care about me - maybe those people will be different over the years but I want to focus on the now. 

Sorry to babble - just had to get this all out

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  • barsco1963
    barsco1963 Member Posts: 2,119
    edited May 2012

    Kayce - families are sometimes the hardest to deal with. I come from a large family and have had a couple of rifts between members. The saddest part is that the children are caught in the middle when the parent chooses not to attend family functions. I can understand your family members not wanting to "get involved." They should not have to choose sides. I am not the one directly involved in the rift and I choose to communicate with the "ousted" members because my siblings are all very important to me. I wish to enjoy that relationship openly and not have to sneak around behind anyones back or have to defend my actions. When we do have family gatherings, my sibling is made aware of them and all are welcome to join in. Sometimes just the children show up (they are old enough to attend on their own) and sometimes a parent joins them. (but always only one parent).

    It is sad that adults find the need to be petty and childlike. It sounds like your sister needs to sway others to "her side". I hope that others will see that she is being childish and realize that she is doing it only to hurt you.

    Perhaps distance is what is needed - maybe block your sister/cousin on fb. You don't need to add to the stress that you are already dealing with. Surround yourself with friends/family that you enjoy being with.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2012
    Kayce- Unfortunately, this is a very common side effect of BC but the one no one seems to talk about.  I think it's a combination of things.  First there's the people you really thought would be there for you as you're going through the worst time of your life but they weren't.  Now some just can't handle the whole illness thing and if they've been there for you prior to this you cut them some slack.  But then there's the fair weather friends who disappear when it's you who needs something.  I've found that when you really look at these relationships they were pretty one-sided to being with- meaning you were doing everything to keep it going.  I found after BC I finally had the courage to jettison them completely and have never looked back.  I definitely think BC gives you a new perspective on life.  For me it was life is short and I don't want to spend it surrounded by idiots!  Laughing
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  • Joanne58
    Joanne58 Member Posts: 1,117
    edited May 2012

    Kayce, I'm so sorry about all the family stuff that's given you pain.  Big trials of life like BC should bring families closer; not split them apart. But who knows what others are dealing with when they seem to let us down or treat us poorly?  We really don't know what goes on inside their heads, but we do know that it feels good to have control over our own thoughts and actions and work on changing ourselves for the better despite what others behave.

    I'm glad to hear that you're focusing on your immediate family--your husband and children. As wives and mothers, it's our first and most important responsibility anyway and will bring us the most joy :) I think our example to them as we deal with the trials of BC is very important.  Our husbands and children watch and learn from us in all we say and do.  I think we all want to have an influence for good on our families, even on those that may not want to be around us.  Please keep your sister not too far away for a possible reconciliation in the future.  She may need you, and I think you'll show compassion when time comes--you just never know.

     I'm impressed that your mom lives next to you.  I assume you look out for her, which is wonderful. (I hope one of my children will do that for me someday!)  Enjoy having her close--you're so lucky!

    Wishing you peace of mind and the desires of your heart, Kayce. Happy Mother's Day weekend, too!

    --Joanne

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  • sbaaronson
    sbaaronson Member Posts: 230
    edited May 2012

    My experience covered both sides of the fence. People I barely knew, stepped up in support of me. And, the man I had been dating off and on for 7 years disappeared from my life. It was brutal and I suspect, will forever remain painful.

    I am with Kate33. There is no time for the negative people. There never was time, the BC has just reminded us of this!

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited May 2012

    Thanks for the support guys.  It's amazing the clairity I'm seeing in life in since my diagnosis and the events wtih my sister.  I almost want to thank her for pushing me to finally stand up for myself and not deal with bad treatment from people like have forever.

    As far as keeping my sister far away - I honestly have to say I feel like it's too late, it's been 6mths since my diagnosis and 2mths since I finished my rads treatment and she hasn't once tried to reach out - she never even contacted my mother who was dealing with a child with BC.

    I also don't want people to choose sides - I just don't want to be lied to about things that people do with her, I truly don't care if they do things, they should actually.

    I do believe and agree with everyone that we do not have the time for negativity and I think the BC has blessed us with open eyes to that!

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