How do I move forward??

Options
farmerlucy
farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

I am so desperate for insight into this. I had a PBM on Feb 21 and it turned out not to be preventive. I know I should be thanking my lucky stars, that it was relatively small, no node involvement, and low onco score. Instead I am completely and totally paralyzed. It is effects my whole family and I feel so guilty. I had a catatonic breakdown two weeks ago, and since have started antidepressants, and have been relying on anti anxiety meds to get me through. I have been talking to a counselor and a psychologist, but I just can't seem to move on. I tried tamox for 10 days and went totally beserk, which could have been partly due to the to the onset of the anxiety, and starting a new antidepressant.  Now I am totally fixated on the the recurrence aspect and my failure with the tamox although it would only make a 2-3 % difference. The onco acts like it is no big deal. I have lost faith in the whole medical community because all the screenings failed and it took me doing a a PBM to even find it.

Now I have tumor envy. Why couldn't it have been smaller? Why couldn't it have been DCIS. Why the hell it did have to be there? Why couldn't the stuid pathologist have just missed it and let me go on with my life. I know I should be grateful but grateful is so far back in the closet I cannot find it. Please if you have any wisdome please impart. I hate what this is doing to me and my family. When will it get better??

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited May 2012

    The only thing I can say is it takes time. We've been traumatized and probably all suffer to some degree from post traumatic stress disorder. Keep coming here for support. Also, you might want to seek out a counselor who specializes in bc survivors. It WILL get better! Best wishes!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited May 2012

    Some fear going forward is totally normal, and it does get better with time.  But it sounds to me like your medical team is a big part of your negative thought patterns.  Can you possibly change doctors?  Even though your active tx is behind you, you'll need to be followed for several years for everyone's peace of mind, and if you don't have confidence in your docs, finding new ones might help you move forward with a lot more confidence.

    Also, are the counselor and psychologist you're seeing primarily involved with oncology patients?  That can make a big difference.  As a psychologist at UCLA pointed out to me, this isn't the time to try to explain what you're going through to someone who normally deals with family & marriage issues, for example.  You need someone who knows more than you do about bc, so that they can give you the appropriate strategies to use for your bc-specific issues.    Deanna 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories