CANCER MAKES YOU CRAZY

Options
124»

Comments

  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited March 2012

    Hello Ladies, I've been absent - thinking I should maybe dissolve this thread (if that is even possible) because exposing your crazy is.....tricky. For me, it feels good when I'm doing it and then I move the pain forward, things change, and I look back and think I sound pathetic, ridiculous, or worse... like a victim.

    but all that changes when you relate.  and you remind me i'm not alone.  (((thank you))) 

    I don't know where to start.  a lot has changed since that first post. the easiest way would be to go backwards.

    barbie,,,,I can't figure out if you're "barbiecorn or barbiecom"  ??? see what I mean? no, yes?

    regardless, barbie, yes - at times I am strong and at other times I'm not.  Lately, I am not so strong. but for no good reason. ugh.  I wish I had a way to block judgemental people.  keep this thread for those of us who are honest and open hearted.

    Barbie, I have a blog separate from this... a part of it addresses the cancer.  The link to it is here:

    http://greenmonkeytales.blogspot.com/p/top-blog-posts.html

    the short version is.... husband lost his job 1/19, diagnosed with cancer 1/20, my father (who I adored) died on 1/29.  Prior to that I lost a son to suicide and my daughter suffers from RA/Lupus. so much pain, so much pain... I might have already said these things here before, i don't have the strength to read what I wrote.

    I'm cancer free now, so I should be really happy but I'm not. I still need to mourn my dad and my breasts and instead I'm focused on how fucked up my reconstruction is going. I am in pain. Prior to my first fill I was fine with the pain. Now I realize they fucked up my reconstruciton andit looks like I might have to redo the surgery.  NOT a big deal if you look at it logically, but I'm being a baby.  the worst is the pain and I'm ....(hard to admit) drinking wine and taking vicodin.  I hate taking drugs of any kind.  I love my wine.  I went all day friday without drugs and I was miserable.  I took two vicodin today and I feel like a drug addict. the pain is really irritating me.

    but the husband thing got better.  he's here and he's been wonderful and I am dismissing his flaws for the moment.  men and their fantasies.  why can't I be enough (ugh, now I sound like a victim again)

    barb, work might be good to get back into. or it might be bad. either way.. I'm here... let me know how you're doing.  you are NOT alone! and the daughter stuff.....boy, can I relate! brother murdered - thats a tough one. ugh.  I am sorry (wish I had better words). 

    DOG...that is a ridiculous schedule!!! chemo, surgery, rads...you must be wiped out.  I'm going to make you a cape because you are my superhero.

    flautalee... we/I am here for you!!! and I'm in awe of you brain. okay.....I'm going to go out on a limb here and if I step over a line and piss you off please tell me off but....  I have a very good friend.  we met 12 years ago.  we were both training to run our first marathon.  we met at a race.  she was also working on her doctorate.  and her motivation was she was HIV positive and wanted her obit to look impressive.  she completed all her goals and she is still alive but ...she is addicted to speed.  and she is a big part of the reason why I don't want to become dependant on my pain killers.  so......what I'm trying to say is... if you need to sleep honor it and do it.  its better than faking it with drugs (not that your doing that).

    thanks for listening and thanks for sharing.... and well...... we're all doing the best we can and thats a good thing.   xoMOnkeyLove, Me  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • dogeyed
    dogeyed Member Posts: 884
    edited March 2012

    GREEN, gosh, that's awful about maybe having to go thru surgery ALL OVER AGAIN.  Whatssup with that!?!  I have heard other women complain about pain following their fills, something about the pressure on the wound and all.  By the by, I just read an article yesterday that a glass of red wine is supposed to be good for cancer.  So, you're in the clear. GG

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2012

    Dear MsMonkey, You do NOT sound pathetic or like a victim.  You just sound honest.  My honest for the day is that I came home from work and cried loudly for a while.  I had just faced that I will have 6 weeks of radiation after my re-lumpectomy.  I have two more FAC chemos , then the re-lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy then the freekin' radiation.  I feel like this has gone on forever (first chemo was Nov 8, 2011).   I thought I had cried it out, but I kept tearing up so I took a lorazepam.  Things are better!

    I KNOW that there are many women who have it so much worse...but that doesn't negate my issue.    Thank you for sharing your honesties.

    Phyllis

    p.s.  some of my favorite CDs are by Omar and the Howlers - favorite song is Monkey Man.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • kcshreve
    kcshreve Member Posts: 1,148
    edited March 2012

    Thinking of you,

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited April 2012

    Hello Lovely Ladies, 

    I am home from the hospital!  Yesterday I had surgery to remove TE's (both) and position them correctly. My pain is somewhat managable .  Regardless, so glad I did it. Now I don't have to worry about revisions once the implants are in. OH... and I was expecting drains but didn't need them!  My surgeon said there was minimal bleeding.  

    Phyllis, I'm going to check out Omar and the Howlers! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited May 2012

    feeding my need to ramble.......

    Developing pain on my left side, towards my back. I see the doctor today so I'll know more then. Sometimes I take on other peoples pain (crazy, I know) - case in point, someone here developed cellulitis and now I think I have it. this is the down side of an active imagination.

    Listening to the audio book - 50 Shades of Grey. I am a writer who can't concentrate long enough to read most books so the audio version of books is helpful. I also use audio books to help me sleep, when I wake in the middle of the night and can't turn my mind off.  ANYWAY...this book is such CRAP! and yet, I keep listening too it.  First of all, its poorly written and it's such a tease!  you have to wait til chapter 8 for sex and get this (don't read any further if you want to read the book).  The main charater, a 21 year old female, virgin - has her first orgasm after nipple stimulations.  So much of that sentence is WRONG.  First, 21 years old and virgin, and then vigin and orgasm.  but mostly orgasm from nipple stimulation.  PLEASE someone tell me if this has ever happened to you.  I was okay, by the way, giving up my nipples but if this is true, well then, I demand they give me back my nipples!!!!  and I don't believe this book was written by a women.  

    last vent of the day.... A "real time" friend (someone I physically see on a normal basis) told me that she won't read my blog anymore because the pictures I post of my mounds make her sick. She also told me she worries about me putting so much of myself "out there"  

    Being honest about myself has never made me feel vulnerable - in fact, its the opposite for me.  It free's me.  If I put it out there, it doesn't haunt me or humiliate me, or suppress me in any way. That being said, I'm posting this here first because I know its safe here.  After I work it through a bit more, I'll probably post it on my blog.

    yesterday, I defied dr.'s orders and took a shower.  but first, I wrapped my incision site in plastic wrap (great visual, right?).  It didn't work.  My surgerical tape got wet and I had to call the dr.'s office and confess. has anyone else tried this, thought of this? if so did it work?

    its almost doctor time! (this has become a highlight).  

    Wishing everyone a happy, pain free, perky mound day!  

      

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • dardend
    dardend Member Posts: 1
    edited May 2012

    Hello! I am new to this site and I do not have cancer. My mother in law is a breast cancer survivor and just recently she has discovered that her breast cancer has come back. My husband and I have tried to figure out ways to support her but she has become very distant. Reading your stories have helped me understand her difficulties and I am thankful for that. I have learned that those who were by your side before the cancer may not be by your side during and after. Those are not real friends, family or spouses. I have also learned that a new day is a new smile and you are your number 1 priority. If you don't treat yourself as such, no one else will. Those who add sadness to your situation do not belong there and leaving the situation or allowing them to leave may be the best way to a better and faster recovery.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • camillegal
    camillegal Member Posts: 16,882
    edited May 2012

    Dardend---I'm sory for u'r family and u'r MIL---It' has to be so difficult for her the 2nd time is uhuh--now what worse than rhe first.-so her reactions can vary so. Somehow u have to reassure her that u are and will be there for her and maybe u can suggest this site if she want to connect with others in her situation.I see this can be so helpful for questions and concerns--or right now she wants to be more alone--u know her, but this is a deeply sad time for her. So I'm sure whatever u do will be the right one. U sound compassionate to er needs.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited May 2012

    You certainly are compassionate! If you were in front of me I'd give you a big hug.  I'm sorry to hear that your mother in laws cancer has come back. She's lucky to have such a loving daughter-in-law.

    My mother in law also had invasive breast cancer and had a lumpectomy 4 years ago.  She is 80 something and I remember her telling me, "well, you have to do what the doctors tell you to do" - to me, that is CRAP.  If I had listened to the first doctor I saw (head breast cancer surgeon at Memorial Sloan Kettering) I would have had a lumpectomy, radiation and then drugs for 5 years.  It is a womans right to choose her treatment. A bilateral mastectomy was the right decision for me.  I do not doubt my decision (unless there is some truth to nipple orgasms). 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited May 2012

    dardend, welcome to BCO. Another place to read to see how others are handling BC in families is the For Caregivers, Family, Friends and Supporters forum.

    The Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Cherilynn64
    Cherilynn64 Member Posts: 342
    edited May 2012

    Green Monkey.....

    Wow, I can't believe I'm talking about this, LOL, but here goes. 

    *****TMI and embarrassment alert, you have been warned, ha!********* 

    I am 47. Will be 48 this month. I was a virgin till I was almost 24. And I to this day can get an orgasm just from nipple stimulation. It may be beacuse I'm very small breasted 32A so everything is kinda power packed right under the nipple. Just a breath of air on my nipple could send me in to overloead. I can easily, easily orgasm from nipple stimilation only. Holy crap I'm blushing talking about this!

    I never went on a date in my life, to this day. My first boyfriend was in college and we had been friends first. Same with guy #2 in college who was the guy I did things with for the first time (and he was a virgin at 23). Guy #3 was, you guessed it, a friend and we dated a year and he dumped me on valentines' day when I was 30 years old. That was the last boyfriend I ever had. This last guy now #4 was never my official boyfriend but was my closest friend whom I was friends with 3 1/2 years, and we had a friends with benefits relatinship for a full year (don't ask me, I still don't know why I allowed myself to do that - probably because I've been lonely and it had been 15 1/2 years since I had had sex, and we had insane chemistry together).

    And I had to walk away from him last June due to all the lies and finding out he was with 3 of us and he's a known media person here....OMG so many lies, found out through now my third psychologist that they all think he's undiagnosed borderline/sociopath/narcissitic personality disorder. Eek. Never saw a shrink before till this past year. Got diagnosed with breast cancer 7 months to the day I left him (which I also developed PTSD from per all the therapists - the cancer actually put the PTSD on hold in my brain for a couple months - nothing like a life threatening disease to knock your brain the other way for awhile).  He got engaged the same week - to the 3rd girl he was secretly seeing and had known less than 8 mos. 

    But enough of my soap opera. So now you have met a girl who was a 24 yr old virgin and the nipple orgasm thingie is real. And I'm going to shut up now b/c I'm beyond embarrassed ha!

    Cheri 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited May 2012

    CHERI!!!!!!!  ITS REAL!!!! IT'S REAL!!!!  do you mind if I mention this in a blog post? of course, I won't mention your name or where you came from, or anything about you other than something anonymous, like, "a women has come forward" 

    So.... sorry, but I have to ask.  Did you lose your nipples? and if so, can you have an orgasm the old fashion way ?

    So glad you dumped #4 - PTSD is a real. I've suffered from that also but at the time I didn't understand what it was.  

    I'm soooo glad you wrote !!! and WHAT a great story!!!!  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Cherilynn64
    Cherilynn64 Member Posts: 342
    edited May 2012

    Oh sure, you can absolutely use my story - I don't mind. But yeah, can't use my name because he's in the media and God knows would probably find it. 

    Thank God I had just lumpectomy so no mastectomy. So everything still intact....which being a 32A ain't saying much (sad when your 1.5cm tumor is actually probably keeping you at a 32A, ha ha!). And I have not done anything sexually for a year since the break up (since we were not boyfriend/girlfriend technically, although the psychologists have other ideas, he ended FWB relationship on April 27, which was one year to the day, well April 26, that we started it the year before). The PTSD, which I also did not know for a long time that I had but boy explains a lot is still overwhelming. It's the reason, and him being in the media, that I must move out of state. Cannot believe still that I was set to go and thinking I'd be moving Jan or Feb and end of Dec I find myself getting an US and biopsy......apparently God wants me to stay here a while longer. I'm not sure what I did to tick Him off, LOL (I'm a practicing Catholic, so I'm jesting with all this), but this cancer thing coming right at the first of Jan really blew. Not that there's a good time to get cancer....but finding out it's the same week they got engaged, holy crap that didn't help. There's way more to the story....if I make a telenovela out of it, I'll give you first crack at the review write up for your blog, HA! Laughing

    Cheri 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited May 2012

    I forgot to update you on my nipple orgasm post... 

    It's here:

    http://greenmonkeytales.blogspot.com/2012/05/no-means.html

    Hope everyone is doing well!  I'm focused on the weekend :) we're expecting beautiful spring weather her in New England!   

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Cherilynn64
    Cherilynn64 Member Posts: 342
    edited May 2012

    I had wondered about your blog - just read it, cool! Smile  

    Nineteen of us, eh? Hee!

     Cheri 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories