I MADE IT

It was be 1 year on April 25 since I had a bilateral mastectomy to save my life from Breast Cancer.  I am finished with the reconstruction process of my chest and I am very thankful for my life, the doctors, my family and friends for being there for me through this incredible journey.  I am alive! I starred death in the face and overcame it.

 I can honestly say that I am feeling great and I am more confident than ever before.  I have made some great personal goals that I have met in the last few weeks. I have officially made my goal weight  last week, I have been feeling more emotionally stable and I am doing a lot better with letting the small stuff go.

 I have experienced some amazing highs and some scary lows. While doctors know very well how to try and get rid of your cancer, they aren't quite as knowledgeable as to how to deal with the aftermath of the fight. It's almost impossible to go back to that time. I was so deeply terrified and depressed.

However, what I do know for sure today, Cancer, is that like most others thing in life, if it doesn't kill you, it definitely makes you stronger...and smarter...and braver.

I did a Boudoir photo shoot this weekend. Never in a million years would I think I would have had enough self confidence to do something like that. It was very rewarding in the fact that I could actually see myself as being sexy again. What a HUGE gift that was. I cannot even explain what it was like to see the few shots I got a sneak peak at. 

I had an opportunity last week to participate in a kids only craft day. This was held at Fairview Southdale and it was for kids that have parents fighting cancer. These little kids are resilient. My heart was breaking for each one of them and their stories. It was very rewarding for me in the sense that I was able to reassure them that cancer can  be beaten and their mom or dad are tough. I was proof of it. A lot of these kids have never seen or met anyone other than their parent that had cancer. I was able to show them my port scar and reassure them that the port was helping their parent get the best care they could.

I am still working weekly with my counselor and she is doing a great job. I am defiantly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with all this emotional stuff. I had a bit of a rough week last week. I was told by someone that I was being selfish and that I need to move on with my life, because I no longer have cancer and I need to stop acting like a cancer patient. I thought this was the most selfish thing a person could say to me. I was hurt and furious.  I am not really sure how I am acting like I still have cancer. l do know that I still have my good days and bad days, but I really thought I was making great progress in my physical and emotional recovery. In the end everyone is going to have their own thoughts about what I went through and how they think I should be dealing with it.  Cant sweat the small stuff right.

Within the next two months I will have had three milestone dates. April 4 marks one year I was diagnosed; April 25^th was my double mastectomy and my official cancer free date. June 1^st was my first chemo treatment. These dates will forever be locked in my brain.  With each one of these miles stones passing I feel stronger and more eager to get past all of this and be a true survivor.  These dates have triggered a variety of emotions; relief and joy, fear and worry about a possible cancer recurrence. So now, I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel.  Closure?  Not really.  Relief?  Sure but I somehow was hoping for more.  Gratitude?  Undoubtedly.  I'm thankful for the amazing care I received from my doctors,  I'm thankful for all of the love and support I've received from friends, family and total strangers. 

I've mentioned this before but there comes a time in this process when you just want to put it behind you and move on.  Slowly but surely, routine takes over once again and you no longer want cancer to be the underlying theme of life. 

I will continue to make the changes in my life that I need to and that I want to. All is calm for now and I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying the nice slow life style for now.

 For anyone just starting this journey, the best advice that I can give you is to own the process.  Don't be a passive participant but an active decision maker.  If you don't like a doctor or what they might be telling you, go find another one.  Educate yourself. Ask questions.  Challenge.  Do not be intimidated.  The more you control the situation the less you will be controlled by it.  Most importantly, there IS life after cancer.
I've got big hopes for my future. Here is too many many more years of being cancer free