Annoyed, need to let it go...
Do I bring this up with my brother or not?
I've had 2 conversations with him in the last year in which he has completely dismissed any risk of recurrence of my cancer. I think what bothers me is that he is so careless about his statements and that he dismisses the fact that I still have fears of my cancer coming back.
I made a fairly major move a few months ago, and I had a lot of fears about moving for many reasons, 1 of which was related to "what if my cancer comes back and I've moved away from my family?" I talked with him extensively about the move in general. When I brought up this fear, he responded with, "Oh, come on, your chance of getting cancer again is about as good as mine." (no, he has not had cancer). It annoyed me then, but I just ignored it and moved on.
I just got off the phone with him. During our conversation, I mentioned that I had my 3 month appt with my oncologist and everything was fine. (I didn't expect my onc to find anything, I've always felt like if I have a recurrence, I'm more likely to know before my onc does). Anyway, he responded, "Of course it's fine, you've been treated, there's nothing there. It's fine."
Ugh. Why do I let this annoy me? I think I need to let it go... 
Comments
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I don't think he is going to change. This could be his way of dealing with your cancer - that he HAS to believe it is taken care of.
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Laurie, I have this same thing happening in my family, with my brothers and sisters. I think they can't handle anything, that is why they try to say things like this. I find it very annoying too, because their comments belittle such a life threatening disease. It is all about "belittling" it because he can't deal with the reality of it. My family have now stopped asking me how I am feeling, whether I have any issues. It is as if this never happened to me, and that I am fine. In fact, I have a post at the TN site about my recent anxieties, mixing with people who have no clue about this disease.
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Hi Laurie,
I think I understand how you are feeling. My family, my son and daughter and siblings, etc. all seem to think that once you have surgery, and have treatments, whether it be chemo, radiation or being put on a hormonal drug, that it is pretty safe to say you are totally fine.
We all live day to day, knowing that this is an insidious disease, that popped up out of no where to begin with, and I believe that we know it can recur down the road again one day, hopefully not, but there are statistics.
So, when our family or friends dismiss our worries, I believe that they think they are helping us by telling us that the cancer will never return. That can be annoying to us, because it is our body that had the cancer, and no matter what, it is sometimes hard to let go of these worries we have.
But, I think you are right, that you need to let it go. Your brother thinks he is helping you, rather than really listening to your concerns, he would rather tell you that there is no chance it will come back.
Just live one day at a time. That is all any of us can do.
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With all the "pink washing" that has been done and the "survivors" walks and happy celebrations "running for the cure"; the general attitude is this is a fight that we can win (or have won, if we have been through treatment). My family is the same. It hurts when they just don't understand. It ISA good thing we have our board here to help with our fears and more.
(((hugs))) and we DO understand -
Families are weird. My sister seems to be competing with me to try and find something happening to her that's going to trump my breast cancer diagnosis. Fear makes people do and say strange things. It might be his own fear that your cancer may come back that makes him dismissive. You might try gently telling him that it's okay if he's scared, you are, too. Might not work but at least you'd be heard.
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Yes, let it go. You seem to have a a very good relationship with you brother. Clearly, he cares very much about you. He may not understand how breast cancer works. We will never really be free of the worry as it can come back at any time. Do you really want him to see it in this true way? We are told to just live our lives and not worry about it coming back. Because if it does, we will realize we wasted all that time worrying when we could have just been living and that worry will not make it any less devastating if it DOES come back. Perhaps "it's gone" and "your cured" is your brothers way of wanting nothing more than a full life for you. They really don't know any better. Not really always fair to us, but much better for them. I sometimes think there are aspects of this experience that we have no choice but to experience alone. One of them is the worry of a recurrence.
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My husband insists I am "cured." Of course I want to think that too but know it ain't necessarily so. But, it is his coping mechanism and I don't contradict him. Besides, it's comforting to hear!
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Then there is also the flip side of this whole scenario, and I ask myself "What do I want others in my family or friends to say to me?"
I am sure our families and friends get tired of hearing about our 'problems' dealing with this disease, but also, the trouble is that almost every day, I keep hearing about someone else, whether it be a friend or neighbor of a friend, getting breast cancer. Has it become so COMMON, that most people don't really care or know what to say to those of us who have been through it?
It just seems most people don't really know what to say to us, who are on the other side of the fence. Except the ones who are 'on our side of the fence'.I just called my younger sister, who had ovarian cancer when she was 9 years old, and this month she will turn 52! I try to be there for her when I can, but I just called her to tell her my throat is swelling up inside (other wonderful disease I have called Hereditary Angioedema), but she hurried off the phone, because she was watching "The Price Is Right". Oh well...... maybe I am being knit picky, but she did say she would call me later on today. It is hard for me anyway to talk with my throat swelling up inside.
By the way, May 16, this year, is the first day that will be designated HAE Awareness Day. Happens to be my little grandson's first birthday too!
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Laurie, I think this isn't about your fears; it's about his. Obviously you're close and he desperately wants to believe it can't come back. He keeps saying it's fine in the hope that if he says it loudly enough and often enough then you will be fine.
This is about his fears. We want our families to support us in our fears but we have to realize that they have their fears and can't always do it. You are afraid of "What if it comes back? Will I get mets and then this disease will kill me?" He is afraid of losing his sister, who he obviously loves very much.
This isn't happening because he doesn't love you enough. It's happening because he loves you so much.
Leah
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Ugh, I feel you Laurie,
My Mom (whom had Stage 1 bc) doesn't understand my anxiety level when something crops up, and even my husband whom was there every step of the way sometimes seems to minimize my concerns. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to say anything to either of them because they are going to think I'm a hypochondriac. I am SO glad I found you guys!Perhaps this is your brother's way of "dealing" with the uncertaintly---being in denial. What a lovely place to be, and of course since he's never had cancer he will never truly "get it". I agree that he loves you and this isn't coming from a hurtful place, but if it's weighing on you, you might politely tell him how traumatizing this whole experience has been for you and it's like having PTSD!!! Hopefully he'll understand a bit better.
I guess we should be glad we have people in our lives that care right?
Take care,
Sharon
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Just let it go. Life is too short to try and change people. I have same problem here
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Thanks everyone. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one.
I do know it's very hard for family members to know what to say, and perhaps he thinks he's helping. I think, though, sometimes people have a hard time believing that you could have a life threatening illness. I honestly don't spend a lot of time worrying that I'm imminently going to die
or anything like that. LOL. And I also don't tend to talk about it much with my family because I find that when I do I often feel more frustrated than anything. I think I just need to try to be more understanding of where they are coming from, that it's hard for them to really understand, and it's hard for them to know the right thing to say.
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I think everyone here has someone that has said something or done something that just isn't right, but I do believe its difficult for everyone especially family to know what to say or do when someone they love has cancer. Don't waste your time on this, your brother certainly isn't. he probably means well.
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CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING AN ALL CLEAR REPORT!!!! Woo hoo! Doing a happy dance in Virginia for you!! Celebrate with a cupcake (or two)!
He doesn't get it, probably never will. But he probably has other great qualities. Perhaps when it comes to support with breast cancer, you need to look to other faces. I've found amazing support with local groups and this online group.
In fairness, it is so hard to be a caregiver, in many ways harder than being diagnosed. It is so hard to watch the person you love go through it. You want to say and do the right things, ultimately, you just wished you could carry the burden for them, but ultimately you can't. Maybe instead of just saying that you got the all clear, say something like Let's celebreate! I officially got the all clear from the onc. Maybe he will pick up from you that these are important moments.
I'm was diagnosed with Stage 3 too, so I get it. It is the highest without being Stage 4. Not a lot of wiggle room. And of course, we have both known women on this board that have just gone in for a follow up only to find out "it's back". It can come back and if it does, it could be really, really bad. Sometimes it feels like we are standing on the edge of the cliff, safe, but if the wind blows another direction...Anyway, that's how I feel at times. Every weird feeling, ache, blurry vision, etc, it is always in the back of mind that it could be mets.
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Yes, this is an ugly place to be always standing on the edge of that cliff hoping and praying that a wind is not at our backs. Great analogy!!!
Laurie, I so hear you. Like all the wonderful ladies commented above, most of us have that scenerio operating somewhere in our lives. I, too, have a brother that just doesn't get it. Even though our mother had breast cancer and our father died of prostate cancer. I too get angry and upset sometimes with his attitude. It must be bliss to live in La La land. Can I go there too? Then on the otherhand, I think to myself I am so grateful for every soul, including my brother, that has no clue what this all really means because thankfully they are not living it and hopefully never will. Most days...and of course much, much easier said than done, I just don't allow myself to get too upset by others actions because that stress is too detrimental to me. We've got enough on our plates to deal with.
Take care and know that just about every single one of us, knows what you are feeling.
Keeping the Faith.
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Yeah, I agree with the other ladies. Unless you have had the diagnosis, no one knows how your whole persona changes...you no longer feel 100% safe IN YOUR OWN BODY!
Glad you came here to vent.......none of us would dismiss a 3 month appointment like that!
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Just chiming in to say 'me too.' Like pupfoster, my mom had stage I and has even said to me, that after one is done with treatment, you just forget about it!
I'm afraid of making big moves (like you have just done), so I applaud you for that. And yeah for a good visit to the onc!
Just come here when you need to vent. We get you and we're happy to listen!
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You guys are great, thanks! I find it's hard sometimes being a few years out, there's no one to talk to about this stuff who gets it.
It's nice knowing that you guys all get it.
Thanks!
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I just think that no one, unless they have cancer can possibly understand the fear. I know I didn't until I was diagnosed. In my case, my sister has a stage III brain tumor that they were only able to remove 50% of and treated her after surgery with chemo and radiation (she's 4 years out from that and doing well). She has to travel to Boston from PA every 3 months for. Brain MRI and testing. The stress of that is unbelievably high for her and my entire family, so, my BC, while very serious, is not the worst medical situation that my family has to deal with, which, for me, is a good thing. I would rather hear, "you'll be fine, you're okay, the cancer is gone" anyway of the week...
My sister, obviously, "gets it" and knows exactly what my fears are and is a wonderful person to be able to talk frankly to. -
I don't think anyone who has not had a disease without a cure, but does have remission, can possibly understand how this colors our decisions. Heck, I have mets that are currently inactive and most of my family wants to pretend that as long as I get my monthly injection everything will be fine.
It is just too hard for them to think about that alternative. Who can blame them for living on the River DeNile?
I choose not to talk about my cancer with them. It is bad enough that I live in a state of suspension, no reason for them to join me. I enjoy them for what and who they are. That has to be enough.
Congratulations on a big move and to looking forward.
*susan*
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what we really want and need is that our peeps can say to us " i know you are scared about your cancer returning and it is always in the back of your mind. i will always be here for you no matter what"
i think our loved ones have a harder time dealing with this cancer business...in a different way...then we do. that is why venting and coming to the boards help us.
hang in there. know that so many of us really do get it**
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I'm lucky that my DH gets it...he knows that the beast can re-occur any time....but my kids who are 14, 23 and 26....they don't want to hear that their mom can die....so I don't talk about my fears to them.....I know, G-d forbid the beast comes back my kids will be supportive, but I have to help them believe that their mom will be around for some time to come....my kids know people who have lost the battle so they know its a reality, so thats why I feel the need to protect them....and as long as I'm NED, thats what I share with them....I 6 years past Dx and really don't talk to my friends or family about BC anymore...they really don't want to hear....the long term/late side effects are mine to figure out how to deal with....people who have not been down this road can't understand....I don't think I could before Dx...how can we!!! My parents are aging (and not well) so I don't want to burden them.....For now I have beat the beast...but in the back of my mind, I know that its 100%...either it will or it won;t come back....I pray that it is the won't!!! I agree with what Leah_S said....your brother loves you and he can't hear that he might loose you....so share what you want with him about your fears, but realize he may not respond how you want him to....
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