March 2012 chemo

Yes it was a skull and crossbone buff - I think I was a bit biker chic!  Thanks for the suggestion!

Tx4 Day1. Ugh, chemo Monday for me.  I went in early this morning to get bloods taken. Only needed one needle, and the blood came out slowly but surely - once I raised my arm and turned my head.  So I guess that's good.

The results are in, and everything's perfect. I'll go back this afternoon for my infusion. I'm feeling really anxious and weepy.  Just so over everything.  Walking into the chemo room makes me feel nauseous - the sights, the smells, the sensations... make me feel so anxious and sick.  Maybe I need to take a sedative before I go back for my infusion.

Meanwhile everyone keeps telling me how good I look.  Of course, they see me when I have the energy to leave the house.  They see me when I've had the energy to shower and put on clothes and makeup.

Okay, I'm trying not to lose it.  Taking deep breaths.

Silver lining - at least this will be my final A/C. I'm nearly half way through.

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hopeful123- Yes, I just finished my period the other day. It was not a heavy flow for me, but it was quite thick/clotted. I wasn't concerned, and didn't tell my MO about it. He never said I would definitely stop having periods, but I was hopeful! I'm only 32 so it might not stop at all. I guess I'll find out next month. I hope your ObGyn appointment goes well.

IndigoMont11- Hiya. Yes, kia kaha is Maori for 'be strong'. I am really looking forward to seeing The Hobbit. I hope your chemo treatments are going well.

suzie- Thanks for your post. You're right, I *will* get through this!

MLB- I suppose my hubby is probably taking cues from me. Also, all of the stress of being the main support person will be taking its toll. He's brilliant, and I'm so grateful to have his love and support. But it's not really any wonder that neither of us feel particularly raunchy. It's yet another thing we have to get through; good thing we have a really strong marriage.

joyful- Hiya, if you read through the previous posts you'll come across a lot of hints and tips, and find out what everyone else has gone through. Personally, I found the nausea and gastric issues the worst - keep on to the anti-constipation meds!

triplem67- OMG, what have they done to your port!? I hope you're doing okay now.

shera- I understand that 'borrowing energy from the future' idea too! You feel so good some days, that you don't realise how much it's costing. My last A/C infusion is in a few hours, then I'll be starting Paclitaxel (Taxol) in 3 weeks. Thanks for the new blog link, I had an old address.

Hi again Galena-yay for getting to the end of A/C treatments!  My last one is June 21 - trying not to think that far ahead....

I have "discovered" some super hottie actors from New Zealand, too, thanks to Spartacus (and if anyone has seen it, please don't judge me too harshly for watching it - I got started because I'm surrounded by testosterone and we tend toward action/adventure here rather than chick flicks.  If you haven't seen it - umm, well, DO NOT try watching it while younger kids are around!  It is very graphic - you've been warned....) Anyway, I've really enjoyed watching Manu Bennett and Antonio Te Maioha, among others. 

Galena - hope that your treatment went well yesterday. And yay that it is the last one. Hope your SE aren't too bad this go round.



Indigo - yeah I couldn't make it if I actually had to wash dishes lol. Hope you find a good deal. Lol on the New Zealand "hotties"



Sissy - in the chair here too. I feel the same way when I just think about driving into the parking lot.



Ok I talked to MO and didn't really come out of there feeling any better. She just told me how I need to embrace my sadness and feel what I was going to feel about everything that was happening. Um that's not the problem. Then (and this really bugged me), she started talking about how I was probably feeling worried that "I haven't done what I wanted to do or that my lifespan would be shortened". Way to cheer me up doc. Anyway I think they called in some kind of antidepressant but I don't even know. I just don't think I want to be on something on an everyday basis.



Oh and I forgot to even ask her about the damn period thing. But I got to thinking that I have only had one. I had one right before tx 1 and then one after tx 2 right at 4 weeks later.

Galena, kltbo4, and love74- thanks for posting about the period issue. I am feeling a little less stressed.

Galena- yeahh last AC!! How exciting. Can't wait to get there.

Sissydi and kltb04- good luck with your treatments today.

And thanks to everyone for the links on nutrition and exercise. It sometimes bothers me, as I am sure it does a lot of you as to how we have followed a lot of these tips and still ended up being the chosen few. I am a vegetarian, eat lots of green veggies, dont smoke, and exercise regularly. The one thing that I do need to change is have an attitude like Indigo. Smile more and stop stressing and wanting everything to be perfect.

Kltb04- I am going through the same kind of feelings as you, as I am also her2 positive. I know herceptin is supposed to work but I keep thinking what if it doesn't. I hate taking antidepressants to get through this and don't plan on it unless it is absolutely essential. But wait a minute didn't I just say a few lines ago the change I plan to make is to smile and stress less

Kltb04- here is something to cheer you up. When I was in for my last infusion I had another MO since mine was out of town. He is also a senior Prof at MD Anderson like mine but just more cheerful. Mine is calm which i like too. In any case the cheerful one said "herceptin has changed the whole situation. I see very few recurrences (partically none who were diagnosed early). " It was strange how even though I have been doing a ton of reading and pretty much know the numbers, hearing that from him cheered me up. sometimes we just need positive thoughts from the MO, so I can see how you are annoyed.

Love74- love hearing about people who are long term survivors. More reason to smile

Is anyone else in excrutiating bone pain from DD Taxol?   I'm on Day 6 and this all started the evening of Day 4 of my first infusion of Taxol.

I don't think it is the Neulasta...I talke Claritan. Just that DD Taxol.  It's tough...that's all I gotta say. I finally broke down and took a hydrocodone/tylenol.  We'll see, not kicking in yet.

Huge congrats to all who are at or near their last tx!!! So so great!!

I have sadly four left, trying not to fear for another innards issue...

Re: dark and sad places. If positive seems too far away to get to, sometimes even neutral can be a goal. I don't know. I've been finding that although it's hard to be exactly cheerful, given everything, staying neutral seems achievable. Or maybe I am in a permanent state of numb shock! Who knows.

Very happy that I found a lactose free chocolate ice cream. Lactose intolerant, sadly, so ice cream has been a problem. This is good news.

Kam-I still have one more AC then I start taxol. I haven't heard about bone pain with it, but they do talk about neuropathy of the hands and feet.



Indigo- your positive attitude inspires me. I try to stay upbeat but do have my down days. But I feel dealing with this disease we have earned the right to have our down days. Zoloft seems to be keeping those at bay somewhat. That and a glass of wine! Lol!



Went to see MO and he's sending me to the surgeon to see what they did to my port. I go Wednesday so will let you guys know.

I totally agree that we have our down days - and I think we are entitled.  I just thought I'd share my one little coping tool - to be totally honest, while my DH is a good person and loves me, he has gotten very bitter and negative by this point in his life.  We've lived with a lot of disappointments (well, who doesn't, right)?  and back in the day I used to kind of tell myself, "well, this or that to do with him would make me happy."  I had to finally accept that as long as I made being happy contingent on that, it was not going to happen.  Being happy might even be something as minor as smiling at one of my sons when they kiss me on the cheek - and that might be it for the day.  That's sometimes all I shoot for.  

You are all right - cancer sucks. I hate the pain, the changes to my body that I didn't ask for, and the worry that I might not be able to take care of DH (I'm the breadwinner of our family). I still sometimes step back and tell myself, "I can't believe this is really happening to me!"  

I'll also tell you - I did not have the "prognosis" discussion with my onc, as in, what are my chances of surviving this for 5 years.  I could have, and I could also figure it out on my own - but I just got to a point where enough was enough.  I didn't want to start feeling guilty over what I could have done and didn't do to keep the !!@#$$% cancer from getting to Stage III.   Based on what I do know, and what my testing after surgery has shown so far, I am staying positive about completing treatment and moving on.  

I am serious when I say that all of you make me smile and inspire me so much.  If you need antianxiety or antidepressants to keep fighting this beast, well, by all means, do what you must!  I know of people who would have benefited from at least going to therapy (name wittheld) if not antidepressants, but they just refused because "you don't do that."  Well, as a result, they are leading pretty miserable lives, and who does that help?   

I am older than many of you who are raising younger children, and I can only imagine that were I in your shoes, I would need even more support.  Luckily for me, my sons are grown and pretty low maintenance, and except for trying not to stress about how the heck we're going to get their college all paid for, they are fine.  

So you don't even have to apologize at all for what you feel.  If I can do anything to make even a minute of your day a little easier, that's my way of paying it forward.  If not, then I'll be positive for you today - you never know, I may well need you to be positive for me tomorrow!

Hugs!! 

Michelle - UGH on the port - let us know what the surgeon says - what an unnecessary ordeal

KCB - yay for lactose free ice cream.

Indigo - (((HUGS))) and you hit the nail on the head for me when you said that your happiness was dependent on him - my happiness has always been very much an if/then proposition.  "If I find out X, then I can look forward to Y" from trivial things like weight "once I lose X amt of pounds, I will feel happy and want to go shopping" to now "once I go to this dr appt and quit worrying about that, I will make vacation plans" - I have simply got to get out of that mindset.  I remember Oprah always talking about that in regards to happiness.  That happiness isn't as much an emotion as a choice  (not in those words but along that line).  And I am emotion driven in my interactions with others.  If I am feeling hopeful, I am chatty, happy, talkative with DH and kids, if I am worried, I just snap at them, say "we'll talk about this later" - I know everyone is like that to a point but I take it to the extreme.  I can be short with them one minute and then if I have pacified my worry even 5 minutes later with either reassuring myself or searching and finding a reassuring story, then I am fine.  Ok, maybe I do need to go get that rX!

Also, I didn't ever talk stats/prognosis with my MO (my BS was all happy happy joy joy you are gonna beat this) - the only way I knew stage II (besides deducing it myself) was asking the nurse.  That is why it kind of threw me for a loop when she started with the "shortened life expectancy" talk today - I keep thinking "hey, does she know something I don't?"  But my mom insists I took it out of context and she was just saying "these are some of the things you are probably struggling with and you don't need to deny them, just don't dwell on them".  

I never talked stats/prognosis with MO - he just said you will be fine, and I didn't question him!  I told you I was queen of denial!  LOL

Ktb - hope those yucky feelings go away quickly!  Enjoy those lifetime movies!

 Oh, and I did plenty of research and reading on the internet, and it was depressing and overwhelming, so I pretty much stopped!