Feeling alone...my husband has disconnected.

Sorry about spelling I have I pad and I think it's worked then it hasn't. My score is 37% of dying In next ten years. I'm not sure how to take it do I worry or not think about it.

I hate to generalize but what the heck, I'm here among friends. I think part of the problem is that men don't have the same support system that women do. When I was Dx'd last year, my DH didn't have anyone to talk to. As bad luck would have it, the three closest friends he would normally turn to were going through crises themselves (including one who's mom was battling stage IV BC and who died later that year).  His parents are also having significant health problems and his job is demanding, (plus one of his co-worker's wives died of cancer while I was going through Tx, so I suspect he felt like he couldn't get away from it).  I tried to encourage him to go to a caregiver's group or even the "social worker" on my MO's staff or a counselor or anyone but no go. My guy is the king of compartmentalizing, so sometimes he'd be great and strong and then other times it would catch up to him and he's be sad and/or withdraw. (which hurt. I needed him!) As others have mentioned, too much BC talk could do him in. Also, he remarked that sometimes the frankness of my comments was hard for him to take. Sometimes I find it more helpful to talk to my "tribe" in support groups. Other cancer patients understand. I feel like I can say things and not freak them out.

I wish it were different; I wish he would do more emotionally (and even just practical stuff around the house) but he did what he could and sometimes he really came through when I needed it.  (the day before my surgery the office called to confirm and told me to bring my advanced health directive. Yikes. We have them but couldn't find them, so my sweetie found a legal form and we sat down and filled it out the freaking night before surgery. Jeez! Scary crap but he was a rock. And look, it turned out fine.  

Great post dogeyed! 

My husband is just plain sick of it.  Not ME. Cancer.  I just don't talk to him about it much anymore.  He wants to be supportive, it's just wearing on him.  I don't really need his support, so I just leave it out of our daily lives as much as I can.  I have worked full time through out my treatments, still live a normal life; on Tuesdays I go to chemo.  No big deal. 

ELIMAR, I think I've already apologized about my first post, but I appreciate you bringing up more points, so I might issue another sincere apology to all who were hurt by my lack of clarity.  Camille is the only Stage IV in here, Elimar, and she and I posted within minutes of each other, so my apology post that came later was as much for her as anyone, particularly when I began my second post referring to those who "have not climbed out of cancer," and later "cannot do as I suggested."

But please, ELIMAR, the first two paragraphs of my first post, I began by saying THREE TIMES if you're at the END OF TREATMENT, and therefore everything else I said, it followed from that premise!  And the original poster, Lee Ann, to whom I was replying about her situation, she was at the end of treatment and she still had problems with her husband.  My post was NOT designed for those with poor prognosis, nor at the beginning of treatment, nor any other obviously excluded people who could not possibly relate to my post. 

And while this is not Stage IV's forum, CAMILLE, I am so sorry I preached about something there is NO WAY you can do in any way, shape, or form, and bless you, child.  I was offering help to people who I knew were stuck at end of treatment and wanted a way out with their hubby situation.  I guess I just was unclear, and my points were watered down by my talking too long, a terrible habit I have, and I am sorry.

So, I hope, LADIES, that you will indeed take what you can use and leave the rest.  I knew what was in my heart and what I wanted to convey, and upon re-reading everything, twice now, I think I did that, however un-artfully.  I meant no harm whatsoever, anyone who knows me knows I love my cancer sisters with all my heart, and if I see a way to help people, I will do so, and I would never purposefully hurt anyone, but I can sure accidentally hurt people, try as I might.  Try as I might, I can make mistakes, for I try to follow the path lit so well by the Good Shepherd of being kind to others, but I can certainly fall right off into the Grand Canyon every now and then, so please, I humbly offer my heartfelt apology.  GG

Remember that song "I've looked at life from both sides now"? Well, I have. My husband and I are both 43. Just after he turned 40, he was diagnosed out of the blue (with a stomach ache one night, thought it was appendicitis) with a rare form of cancer, neuroendocrine carcinoma, otherwise known as carcinoid cancer. He had emergency surgery, a foot of his small intestine removed, in the hospital for 12 days, tests, specialists (only 1200 Americans a year diagnosed with this) and endures chemo once a month in the form of an injection....testing every three months, bloodwork, and CT scans with contrast and annually a whole body scan which takes place over three days called an octreoscan...

At the time he was diagnosed, we were both young, fit, healthy, etc. It really sent us for a loop. Our boys were 13,7 and 4... There was not a night that I didn't leave that hospital and sob the whole way home and then sit in my garage for a good 5-10 minutes fixing my eyes and makeup so I could face our boys and my MIL who came to stay and help out.

We ate, slept, and drank cancer for months until things stabilized and we were able to figure out our "new normal"... There were definitely times that as much as I loved my husband, I had some really weird, odd thoughts. Thinking about it now, I just must have been in shock. During those dark days, I actually was so scared that I thought it would be better for us all if my husband was terminally ill (not the case, but I didn't really know) if he died quickly... My thoughts were just so dark and scattered.... I'd see a healthy man that was smoking or eating something unhealthy and I'd want to smack him or get angry because my husband took such good care of himself and I was recently of others good health. After living in this hell for months on end and working, and taking care of our kids, and researching this cancer, etc... I needed a break from him, it, everything! I remember telling my mom that I wished I could just remove my head and go to sleep because I could not get away from the cancer, not even in my sleep. No one wants to live this way... And my husband, I have to say had a great attitude, did not want to focus on "what if" "what went wrong" "why me" etc. He was more like "I am so blessed that they found this so early, god was really looking out for me" "we are so fortunate that we had great doctors who found this" etc...

We eventually returned to our "new" normal lives then I was diagnosed this past fall (can you believe our luck?) we've dealt with BC as aggressively as we can, but, we are not going to let it take over our lives. It's incredibly hard, but, at the end of the day, everyone has something, some difficult, horrendous, awful thing on their plate that is their cross to bear. Every time I sink into thinking "why me" "why us" I'm reminded of this. So, as someone in a marriage where we've each been in the other's shoes, it's important to not let this, or any other crisis completely take over your psyche or life.

Suebak, it is hard but I agree I don't talk about the Big C infront of DH as much. My girls hate it and say not that again so I don't talk to them about it.

I do talk to my friends, people on here, my cancer support group every week and his mum and sister.

DH wants things to get back to normal and I can't blame him.

Momof3boys---Loved your last paragraph. I consider it inspiration.

Thank you, Sweetpea XO

OK. I'll take a page out of your book and not talk about cancervwith DH or anyone that's not my onc or best friend. Does that mean no more boyfriend at dr appts?

I looked in on him and he looks fine, happy and laughing. Hmmmm.

I will be taking Fareston/antihormonal for a very long time. It doesn't seem that I am done with treatment.

I hurt and I walk like an old lady and he looks bothered. I feel embarrassed and upset.
I am trying here.

Hi Jenn

I think the supportive wonderful hubby may be an urban myth- like the perfect baby that sleeps through the night at 6 weeks!!!  Good luck with the man- it seems like he is finding life difficult at the moment ha ha.

Good afternoon Ladies:  I just ran across this thread and thought I would share.

I have read through the post and alot of the things being said are quite true.  Men want to fix things and when it is not within their control or power, they feel helpless.  Scared of what the future holds and being depressed are other valid emotions for them.  Sometimes, I don't think they really know what to say or are too scared to say anything for fear they will say the wrong thing.   Yes, this disease is hard on them as well.  My husband had colonrectal cancer in 2009. (He is doing great now.)  I have been in the role of care giver... and it is not an easy one, especially during chemo and radiation treatments.  Friends and family always asked how the patient was doing, not the caregiver.  Only one person during that time asked me how I was handling things.  Some days I just wanted to go outside in the woods near my work and start screaming.... I was afraid if I did, I would not be able to stop.  Tables were turned last year with my BC diagnosis.  As I was making preparations for my surgery, one night I found him sitting in the darking in front of the computer.  I looked at this face and could tell something wasn't quite right.  When I asked if he was okay..... his response was no.  I asked what was wrong.  His response. "It was okay when I had cancer, but it's not okay that you have it."   Due to my family history, I knew that I would be getting BC one day, so it was somewhat of a relief that it finally happened.  Sounds strange I know, but it was like waiting on company to arrive without really knowing when they were coming.  Although I wasn't looking forward to the days ahead last year, I was greatful my cancer was caught early.  I was also totally prepared due to having attended a faith based cancer support group since late 2009 with my husband.  It was a rough few months last summer and hubby was and still is a great care giver.

So, I am now 8 months into my drug therapy (and all the lovely side effects), still working full time, but hoping to retire this year.  Am I tired, have aches and pains or bad days?  Yes.  However, I do not let cancer be the focus of my life and when I know I'm having a bad day, I just warn the hubby to not take what I say personally.   I am learning to adjust to the 'new' normal (not easy) which includes being good to my body by resting as needed, eating healthier and working my way back into exercise.  Next month, will be 1 year since diagnosis and surgery..  

The advice I have seen in the other posts is good.  Take a break from BC.  Have a date night.  Go away for the weekend and do something for fun.  Volunteer somewhere together and serve others (you will feel good when you help other people).  Walk on the beach (if you are lucky to live near one) or in your neighborhood.   Find a cancer support group in your area, especially one that includes spouses.  They need to be able to share their feelings as well.  

My prayers go out to each of you on this thread... everyday is different, but it does get better.  Just hang in there.  Blessings to you all.

Yes disconnected and upset today. My husband works a lot and doesn't have private time or patience with me. I am tired of walking on eggshells and listening to him cursing when he is mad or frustrated...in front of the kids. None of this has to do with BC. It has to do with being disconnected. Oh well.

It would be better, if you can make your own world. You may watch TV, spend time on various social sites and you may reading various interesting things or try to gather knowledge about life, relegion, etc.

I had lumpactomy in 2004. My husband was very supportive but last year when we were going for my regular follow up he told me he spend all his life in the hosp with me. Its been 18 yrs since we are married he told me i ruined his life and he is my care taker only. He is completly changed he says you look so ugly in front of mirror. Only blind man can havw sex with you 8 nov had my mastactomy i m not sure about my future i have discussed with him about my recounstruction he says what do you expect from rexounstruction you wont be look like women to me i told me i will go for recounstruction for me. To feel good about myself if i get 100out of 60 percent result i will more than happy. I think some one else made him realise that he deserve lot more we have teenage kids he told so many time in front of kids that your mom had cancer thats why i want to leave her. He made me conffused about my recounstruction dissiccion

This is where my marraige is right now. My DH and I have been together for 18 years. My DH emotionally and physically "checks out" after catastrophic medical problems. I have had three life threatening medical issues, the last is this BC. He has been by my side every step of the way while I am sick, but he withdraws so much, that he is nothing more than a live in nurse to me. Now that I am disfigured, I think he is repulsed by me. He hasn't touched me or talked to me for over a year. He does not interact with the children. He constantly looks at other younger women when we go out together (which is very rare because of our work schedules).



I think he goes into deep depression but he refuses to discuss anything with me. He has been seeing a therapist for over 8 years and saves his conversations for the therapist. I feel like he is intentionally pushing me away. I know I cannot, and will not live like this. we both agreed that a divorce was imminent. He seemed very relieved when I filed for divorce.



I know that my self esteem is at an all time low. But when he lusts after other women who have all their body parts, it makes me feel insignificant and defective. On top of all of this, the women he looks at are just a younger version of me. I tried to tell him how disrespected I feel when he does this, but he denies he is looking and calls me "insecure". I often think he purposely looked at other women in front of me to push me

closer to filing for divorce. Then it would not look like he is abadoning a sick wife.



I still turn heads when I walk into the room, and I have my share of admirers. I shouldn't be wasting my time with someone who acts like he doesn't like me anymore. I am usually a very secure woman, until he does the looking in front of me. Then I feel like crap. I am seeing my own therapist, which is very helpful. We have tried marriage therapy twice in ten years. I just cant believe it is over.