husband's "proposition"

minxie, I don't think you would be out of line at all. More of us should let Drs know when their treatment is unacceptable. 

Excellent letter, minxie, and I don't think you're at all out of line sending it.  It sounds like this doctor needs to hear how you experienced your last appt.  I also agree with Amy and Joanne about the last paragraph.  The line about finding estrogen on-line struck me as a bit like thumbing your nose at them, or maybe even daring them to try to stop you.  I think that's best left out, as well as the line about thinking you won't be back, which sounded a little ambivalent.  I think Joanne's suggestions are excellent -- leaving the door open, just in case your gyn was in an uncharacteristically bad mood, which can happen, and might want to reach out to you after she gets your letter and realizes how you were impacted by her total lack of empathy and support.   Deanna

Best of luck minxie; hubby must be willing to try and work things out if he went with you.

At least,I hope so.

I give you a lot of credit for doing this. My ex would have been kicked out as soon as he made the proposition.

Minxie u really opened a pandora's box--but a worthy subject. I'm sure there are a lot of women who have similiar problems and it must be difficult to deal with due to the fact u'r dealing with this horrible disease and I admire u'r courage to address u problems and u'r husband too. But now I'll say what I think--it's about my Mom and Dad--when my mom was in her early 40's she had a hysterectomy, then a yr later dble masectomy and all the fun stuff that goes thru u'r mind for her. She was very nhappy and scared but was quiet about it. Years later I asked my dad (he was in his 70'e then) about that time and I asked him straight out how did u put up with her those urs, did u cheat? And really all he said was I wasn't an animal tat went on insrinct I was her husband that cared and wanted her well so I did everything I could to make her feel good. It wasn't about me, it was about u'r mother. Well they were married for almst 70 yrs and when she died at 88 all my dad said was I lost my best friend. So my thoughts were always when u love and respect u'r spouse u do what u have to do and don't think of alternatives. There's alot more going on here then 2 months of no sex Just my thoughts..

It's been a long time since I've been to this discussion board.  I know I'm joining in this thread late, but it caught my attention.

 Excuse me, but two months without sex?  My wife was diagnosed with BC over 3 1/2 years ago, and we've hardly had sex since.  Nine surgeries, including reconstruction, and now the medications that she is taking have killed whatever libido was left.

And he's wanting to extend the field after a few months?  Please.

Although I berate him for bailing so soon, I certainly know how he feels.  The few times my wife and I have been intimate, I can tell that she's only doing it for my sake.  Sorry, but you just can't fake passion, and that is what is missed most. Most times, I've put my hand on her hip at night, only to have it pushed away. 

When she was going through chemo, I didn't miss a single session.  I was along for every radiation treatment, except for two.  She woke up from nine surgeries holding my hand.  I've changed bandages, bathed her, fed her, helped her go to the bathroom, Shaved her head, cried with her, prayed with her, kept the teenaged kids growing and living, kept our business going and barely kept my sanity at times, but I stood by her, like I promised 17 years ago.

Now, it's clear that she has survived, and I'm truly thankful, but when all the dust has settled, it leaves me with a very moody, chemically-induced menopausal virtual roommate, while still in our early 40's. Our teen daughters hardly speak to her anymore, and it's probably best that way, because puberty and menopause are a deadly combination.

 Even through all this crap, I haven't cheated on her.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to, as I think just about any man would be at this point.  Don't tell me there's a young man who wouldn't be tempted. At least they would be thinking about it.  I've even had a few opportunities, and I've just said no.  I've kept my word and intend to keep it.

Sounds to me like he's using the situation as an excuse.  I'm amazed he had the gall to come to you with such a wild proposition.  At one time, my own wife even said to me that "It ain't happening here, so you might as well go get it somewhere else".  I never took that seriously, and even with that blank check, I haven't taken her up on it.

Although I think after only a few months is pathetic, I'm not so quick to condemn him entirely.  It's easy to bash the husbands who fall to weakness, and call them a**holes, jerks, bastards, low-lives, whatever, but remember that this disease took something from them, too.  Some of them do everything they should do, and still end up on the short end of life.

 I know the shoe could just as easily be on the other foot as well, and it could be me who goes through all the health problems.  I'd like to think that I'd keep her own quality of life in mind, and try to do what I safely could to find a middle ground and keep us both happy.

It's a tough situation for everyone.  I wish you the best. 

Oh Minxie, I've been following, but didn't want to post because it didn't seem like any of my business, but dam, what a jerk. You should never have been put in a position to play with your health in the first place, but you did it for him and this is how he responds? I'm so sorry. You did the right thing asking him to leave....no way should he benefit from your income. That would infuriate me. Sounds like the kind of man who will change his mind now that you gave him an ultimatum only because he has no income and no place to go....skeezy....I hope you don't give in. No doubt after all these years, splitting up is easier said than done, but there are plenty of other men, nice men, who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Oh, Minxie, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a terrible time.  HUGS!

I think you need to "read between the lines" a bit in this situation.  Your husband sounds really selfish and self-centered.  When you told him to leave, his first words were about him--"where will I go?"  not about you or even your union.  If he truly loved you, even with the whole sex thing going on, his first words would have been something said to fight for keeping you. How about "But I still love you."   Even "But I don't want to leave you" would have been better. 

I think many of us are going through this sexual problem after BC, including me, but I'm not as brave enough to discuss it out in the open like you are.  I admire you and appreciate your candid entries.  In a way, I think it helps the rest of us, too.

Minxie, I just wanted to add....please don't feel guilty for focusing on your kids and your diagnosis. It's what we all do. On Monday, please don't let the counselor make you feel that way either. I don't know why I'm assuming he/she will take it in that direction...maybe not, but if he/she does, they're dead wrong.

Minxie,

I want to echo what everyone is saying -- he is selfish and has no concern or consideration for you at all in this situation.  Also please listen to the posts that say "DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF".  You had no control of this situation.  You did nothing deliberate what so ever so DO NOT take any BLAME.  You have been through a lot and are going to continue to go through a lot.  You need a happy and healthy and stress free home to continue to heal.

Right now look out for you and the kids -- cancel the counselling session and call a lawyer. 

Minxie,

I've read some of the posts on this thread and skimmed through a few more.  For what it's worth, I have to say...

First of all, I applaud you for seeking resolution and I respect your views. 

My value system would now allow for me to accept such a proposition from my spouse.  That in itself would be an act of infidelity.  Yes I know men have needs etc, etc...  But a marriage is a commitment that comes with responsibility for both to work together on resolving matters. You are going through something so difficult and within 2 months you are blasted with this?  Are you kidding me?  Maybe it was an act of desperation on his part, and of course, only you know what goes on in your marriage, but there are ways to address your issues that don't require anyone to step outside of the marriage.  For him to even suggest it would be extremely alarming to me.

But hey, that's just my opinion, I don't claim to have all the answers or that I have a perfect marriage either lol

Good luck with everything

Minxie...I am so sorry for all you are going through.  I can't possibly say you "should" do anything in particlar...  I don't think anyone can do that for you...

But I can say this...you are clearly very strong.  You clearly can count on yourself to take care of yourself and your children.  You can make it through this.  One way or another, you will find yourself on the other side of this with your head held high.  That much is obvious from all that you have said.

I am wishing you a clear path through this morass.  I hope that you find your way quickly and with as little pain as possible. 

Sending you warm wishes...

Claire

Minxie, I admire you for all you have done to help resolve this situation and particulary for going to counseling.  Please don't blame yourself for anything.  All of this 'work' you've done is going to help you sort out your marriage and take care of yourself, no matter what happens.

Prayers coming your way.

Liz 

Wow, Minxie! You have quite a team on this thread. This is so awesome that you are reaching out . It must be very hard for you ... In a similar boat with my libido. I feel for us girlswho have been stripped sexually from this disease. I am hoping for all of us.