Reminder list for the Blue Days

Then there's the dirty little secret, which is that all forms of reconstruction have significant complication and failure rates. I didn't want to put my body through a cosmetic procedure that prolonged my physical ordeal. And any form of reconstruction puts substances (either your own tissue or synthetic objects) in places where they don't naturally belong, further compromising a body that has already been through major trauma. 

It's only been recently that I find myself missing my breasts at times.  Its been 4 months since my BMX.  I knew right away that I didn't want to go thru the added surgery/recovery time/chance of infections, etc that went along with any sort of recon.  In my head, I was going thru the horror of having my breasts removed to get rid of 'bad' stuff, why risk putting something else that could be bad back into my body?  

I recently tried on and bought foobies.  However, they are still tightly nestled in the box they came in.  When I finally found a bra I was comfortable in, and inserted the foobs, I have to say, it was nice looking in the mirror and seeing what I used to look like.

In my day to day, I will go breastfree, but am happy that I have the foobs for those special days.  

Cats 

I love not having to wear a bra. My bra size was a 38 D heading to a DD, I do not miss them flapping when I would run. I don't  miss the yeast infections I would get under the breasts during hot springs, summers, and fall.

I have little fatty things left over. Not sure if my surgeon left it in case I wanted reconstruction or whatever.I noticed that since I gained weight they got bigger. I was terribly upset that I was not totally flat. Now I like them because when I wear low cut shirts at home, they give a cleavage look that my SO likes! It is weird seeing them with a shirt on though.

I think it is very normal to mourn missing breasts, and that whole time was quite an emotional fright on top of it.

 I choose to go flat most days and I know I made the right choices because...

-I hated wearing a bra

-I just shake my head when I see even a "good" recon job, I am not happy at all with what they look like

-I am very medical-phobic, so lining up more procedures just to have fake boobs makes no sense for me personally.

-I look like I lost weight

-I wear fun clothing I would have never worn before

-I met all of you :-)

-I am still me. One thing I think we all forget is our "brain" is our most powerful sex organ. I wear sexy cami's, soft silks, I indulge myself more.

But I have very blue days too...good idea to start this thread!

I am happy with my decision, 2.5 months post BMX. My reasons were:



1. Not wanting additional surgeries and procedures (medically phobic as stated above, and BMX was my first surgery since childhood); absolutely did not want to go through an 8-hour surgery for 2 breasts out of my own tissue; wanting to get back to living my previous life asap

2. Fear of complications--just the other day heard a renowned PS say that implants require additional surgeries 100% of the time and I knew the decision was the right one for me

3. Further to fear of complications, I knew I was going to have radiation which would further complicate things.

4. Did not want a tissue expander inside me for 6-12 months.

5. If I was going to have silicone inside of me, why not have it externally as a foob so that I could remove it when I want.

6. Did not like the look of reconstructed breasts.

7. Did not feel the need to put great effort into new breasts since usually no one sees them except me and my husband; when people ask me about it, I say that I am not a topless dancer so who's going to see them?

I opted out of recon because one of my docs thought foreign materials inside me was a bad thing for some autoimmune issues I have. Fortunately the autoimmune stuff is well now and time and distance have lent perspective.



Being flat is very comfortable. I don't feel quite right in public being flat though, so I have a range of foobs. This is big fun for me! I have foam foobs for sports, micro bead foobs for day to day, silicone foobs for intimate moments with my DH. I was very small before surgery and all the new foobs are bigger. I picked up my silicone one the other day and pondered whether having this thing stuck under my skin would make much difference compared to having it outside my body. I decided it was just fine to have it where I could put it away, leave it "on call" and avoid all the surgery.



Works for me, in fact I am having a lot of fun with lingerie now, much more than before! I don't miss my old boobs much. If I had a reliable pair that weren't inclined to cancer then I might miss them more. But that's how it goes

I decided against recon for several reasons-(I had a single mast):

1. I am physically active and was worried how recon would alter that-I would have had the lat. dorci but then that would have sacrificed muscle in a good part of my body.  I would have also had to put an implant on the good side.

2. I have lots of allergies to antibiotics (almost all families of them). How sad would it be for me to have survived stage III breast cancer and end up dying from an infection.

3. Don't get me wrong-I liked my breasts-they were pretty nice-but after all the treatment they didn't matter that much to me anymore.

4. I look completely fine in clothes and bathing suits without recon.  I do wear a prosthetic but there is not one person who would know unless I tell them. 

5. Not that I would EVER base my decision on another person but my husband really could not care one way or the other.  He actually felt strongly that I skip recon.

6. I know most people think that younger women reconstruct but I had absolutely no need to go through more surgery and procedures after chemo, radiation, hysterectomy, etc.

7.  I did not want to deal with more recovery time and time away from my young children.  Just not worth it.

I had a umx.  With a remaining D breast.  I worried that it would be difficult to live with the imbalance.  But...as it happens...

I am glad that I can choose to put on a foob, or choose to take it right off.

I am glad that I don't have foreign matter in me.

I am glad I have one and only one scar...no other surgeries...just the one.

I am glad that it turns out I am strong enough to go out in public flat on one side and "D" on the other.

I am glad that I don't have to worry about ruptures, replacements. 

I am glad that I have 100% range of motion (though I am very cautious about avoiding overdoing anything for fear of LE...but that would be the same with recon...).

I am glad that I am alive...and though many would disagree...whole...:)

I am lucky in many ways.  One of those is that I was dx with adh a year before the dcis.  I spent that year considering what I would do if dx with cancer.  I came to terms with the loss of my breast before I knew I had to lose it (I just knew deep down what was coming).  I had worked out my feelings.  I had worked through things with my dh.  I had researched and considered the options.  When the time came, no real decisions left to make.  Just tears to shed.  So...I have not had those blue days...not yet anyway.  I think I cried me a river the year before in anticipation...

I hope that your blue days shrink away and leave strength and serenity in their wake.

Claire

I am the original Say No To Drugs whenever possible (with my toxic blood pressure - No is not an option), so instant breasts by pill are out.  If I could do the Samantha from Bewitched, twitch the nose and they would just be there as smaller, perfect, with no pain or surgery and I would have been in. 

Many know I was previously a 40M (would have been a 40N or 40O if they made them that big).  Doctors have been telling me for a couple of decades that I am a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen, I have lupus and am allergic or overly sensitive to a list a mile long.  Not to mention being a 5% girl that gets the weird things or has the weird reactions.  Lets just say I am not the best surgery risk.  Let's also just say, the girls had been a major pain in my ass from their tiniest at DD in the 8th grade.  We already had a pretty tenuous relationship.  When one tried to kill me, I was soooo over them.

My options:  Lumpectomy with radiation along with massive reductions on both sides.  Many many high risk hours on the table.  To even entertain the thought of mastectomy with recon on one side would have meant massive reduction on the other side.  I have since had the thought I could have had minimally DD girls on both sides by just using my own tissue from the remaining one - could have been a breakthrough procedure.   LOL

Seriously, radiation with lupus is not a good combination, so when my BS said mastectomy and no radiation it was instantly SIGN ME UP!!!!  Once the mastectomy decision was made, for me there was absolutely no question, none whatsoever, it would be a BMX with no recon.

No recon thoughts:  1.  Too much surgery initially with more in the future.  2.  For me, and I am the only who counts in this decision, the risk of complications way too high.  3.  Not willing to have foreign bodies in my body.  I was already obsessing over the titanium marker chip they had placed at the time of biopsy. 4. Absolutely positively, not even up for discussion, any type of tram with all those hours on the table, prolonged recovery and risk of complications. 

Now that I have seen the stories on this board, you quickly start to see all of the problems, unremitting pain, infections, failure to heal, contracture, and revision after revision after revision after revision....., and it is still not approaching right??  Not for me.

In my case, looking at the whole big picture, I actually looked at the massive reductions, and/or recon, as potentially suicide.  The girls had made my life miserable most of my life.  Now that they had tried to kill me, I was more than ready to cut 'em loose.  We are all so very very different but for me, I thank my lucky stars virtually every day that I chose BMX and refused recon.

UMX was never a consideration.  Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too big to leave without massive reduction.  Symmetry is paramount to me.  Even if I had wanted to entertain the thought of a prosthetic, it would have taken massive reduction to get down small enough to match the biggest one you can buy (G ?? I think) and why would I want anything that big??? I told the BS if she took one and left the other, I had a loaded gun at the house - I would use it.  I wasn't kidding.  That statement stopped her and the nurses dead in their tracks.  Not sure whether they thought I was talking about myself or them but didn't take them a split second to see I was frighteningly serious as a heart attack. 

BMX with no recon.  I am just short of 2 years out and with 20/20 hindsight I made the very best decisions for myself.  I hadn't seen my feet since I was a child, couldn't run or jump, and the sheer massive weight dug into my shoulders and was causing damage to my frame.  Nevermind the constant skin breakdown from skin on skin contact.  I cannot begin to express to you the freedom I feel with them gone.  Please understand if they had been something smaller than a G, I might have had a very different viewpoint. 

Yes, I did cave and had a minor revision to remove center dog ears.  Nearly 6 mos out on that one and again Thank You God, I made the right decision for me.

After the revision made it possible to wear foobs, I am doing so, and having fun with it.  I find it very freeing to pick a size or even flat that I want to be today and change my mind 6 times before I get out the door.

Barbara

Joanne, I don't see anything silly about that. The risk is low, but it IS a risk, and one you don't want to take. I think it is also attractive, when you have been through extensive cancer treatment to have the luxury of turning down something with potential risk. I had no choice about the chemo and rads, but I do have a choice about recon surgery.

I'm so glad I read this post as I am facing my BMX next Wednesday without recon. I have told others that I'm considering it "delayed recon" but I honestly don't know if I will, esp for many of the reasons mentioned above. Optional surgery for looks was never something I would have considered before being diagnosed with BC, so why should I reverse my feelings now?

I'm also glad,tho, that it is an option for me if I change my mind. I'm really looking forward to exercising without boobs! My 38 D/DD's definitely get in the way of all activities

 Thanks for starting this thread!