Mom will be passing soon. Numbness/depression setting in.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I lost my mother to lung cancer almost ten years ago... she was married to a terrible man, an alcoholic who made her life miserable.  Against his wishes, when she entered hospice, we had her in hospice in my brother's home (I lived 1000 miles away from her, he lived 20, so that choice was easy).  She was very peaceful during her last month or so of life, we kept her alcoholic husband at bay as much as possible.   When she was awake and alert, she was surrounded by people who loved her.  Not giving you advice, just letting you know that others go through this... just when the storm is at its worst for someone suffering from end-stage cancer, you get all this other crap to deal with too.  I hope you can find a way to deal with this that allows you and your mother to enjoy each other.  

You note that you are from Chicago?  Have you thought about contacting Wellness House in Hinsdale?  There are many wonderful counselors and support groups there to help.  

Good luck to you... you sound like a lovely, caring daughter, and I'm very sorry you are going through this.   

I can relate.  My dad left our family when I was twelve, watched my mom struggle it out and swore I would always be able to support myself, on my own, and I have accomplished that goal.  

Even though it was really hard to go through everything that I did with my mom (my twins were only a few months old, and I had a three and four year old too), I managed to fly to Boston and be with my mom for about two weeks of every month for, what turned out to be, her last summer.   I wish I could have changed some things but at the end of the day, I was glad I could give her some peace at the end of her life, and be with her as much as possible, even though it was really hard, I flew to Boston with one infant, and an older child, plus a laptop so I could work from there as much as possible, my husband held down the fort at home with the other two kids, just to make it manageable.  

Do what feels right in your gut, and you'll be OK.  I'm very sorry you are going through this, and I hope you can get some help coping.

You are doing all you can for your mother, your father can take care of himself.  You need to protect yourself here and place boundaries in place, so that you can help your mother through her final passage. 

 Screaming and shouting at your father will not change him, he's staring his wife's mortality in the face and clearly from your post in denial about what is happening.  You're the one asking for support here and you cannot will your father to be anything other than he is. 

 You will have to draw on all your resources, practical and emotional to deal with such terrible circumstances, placing aside your anger for your father for another time, now is not the time to take it up with him.  You could tell him that, firmly, that you are an adult and not prepared to put up with his behaviour while you are caring for your mother, you will do as instructed by the medics and ensure your own sanity is protected throughout this. 

Stand up, firmly but fairly to your father, react to his behaviour as an adult and not the child, who is angry with him for previous behaviours, as any adult who was an onlooker would do.  This is a whole set of different circumstances, a whole new set of dynamics are at play here, with different emotions coming into play.  It is hard, so very hard, but to come through this process, is going to take it's toll on you, it's up to you, to put in place your own protection barriers. You're important in all of this too, remember that.

 I feel for you, I can only imagine, how hard it is for you, and while I am not in your shoes, I do care for my mother, and I know what I have to do to protect myself.

My heart goes out to you.

Maccupicu- My heart breaks for you that you have so much to deal with, your mom in hospice and knowing it wont be long has got to be so very hard, not too mention all the family drama. I know you are angry and hurt not only by your father and DH but your friends too, and you have every right to be, sometimes friends dont know how to cope with these kinds of situations, kind of with me when I was first DX with BC my friends (most not all) didnt call. I learned who my real friends were. As far as your husband goes, now i am not making excuses for him as i dont know the whole story, yes, you are going through a lot and you do need some support yourself to get through this, but he also has a family to support and cant be there for everything, You did mention he had a Very Important meeting so maybe he needs to focus on his work right now, but i hope that when your mom does pass he will be there for you then. Again not making excuses for him but hope he will be there for you in the end. I hope you can overcome all this anger, its not good or healthy for you or the people around you but I know you have every reason to feel this way!!

You and your family are in my prayers

Warm hugs

Debbie

I am glad your DH (dear husband) stepped up to the plate and helped you today. Sounds serious with your dads hands turning that color im not a dr. but it sounds like his heart isnt pumping right and not getting enough oxygen, he really should go see his dr. Im so very sorry you are going through all this. Wish you had other family members that could pitch in and help

hugs

Debbie

Maccupiccu - Trust me when i tell you i know exactly where your coming from.  My mom was diagnosed earlier this year with Stage IV BC.  The Onc gave his dx and made it clear that her cancer is incurable.  Chemo is an option, but with the side effects makes my mom very very weak, unable to walk or take care of herself.  At first everyone was very supportive aka "Gung Ho"about pitching in and telling me how much they were going to take care of her this and that etc etc etc!  But when the dust settled it was just mom and myself.  Dad helps out as much as he can and is supportive, but he's also very sick with diabetes.  Can't really take care of her much less himself. He's very weak and can't help me lift her into or out of bed.  My brother comes every now and then, but then goes home and drinks and passes out usually by 8pm.  His live in girlfriend was great at first but couldn't handle the stress with our family and has problems of her own.  Last week I had to tell her to stop coming by because her own anxiety was freaking mom out.  My sister comes probably three times a week sometimes four, but then leaves after an hour. I've asked her if there was anyway she could prepare a meal for mom and dad every now and then, but replied with "I just Don't have the time!".  Don't get me wrong, I love my Family very much and the mean well but I just wish they would recognize how much of the burden I'm handling.  My wife only gets to see me once a week and we do our best to make the most of it.  My dad told me last night, just go and be with your wife, I can handle this, this is my Cross that I have to carry.  I can't tell you how tempting that was to Just Go!  Get Away and Leave!  But I could never find it in my heart to just leave like that! I would have that image of mom in my mind and be consumed with overwhelming guilt.  Anyway Maccupiccu, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that your not alone.  I'm here bearing the Cross just like you.  

 Sincerely,

 Dvillarr

maccupiccu, so sorry. I lost my mother four and a half years ago. Still miss her everyday, but I cherish my memories. May your mom rest in peace and may you and your family heal from her loss.