miscommunication

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gungadin
gungadin Member Posts: 8
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

 I know this will strike many as  a strange topic but I'm looking for guidance.My wife just finished chemotherapy and we thought it would be a good idea for her to take a small vacation,She went with her sister ,brother-in -law and another 2 women.The first day i was fine we communicated twice,The second day i thought was a bit weird in that she didn't contact me till 2pm on a sunday.and then again at 4.Even typing this I think i am overreacting,I texted her the next day and she said the glare was bad and she knewi didn't like to talk on the phone,By tuesday i was totally discombobulated and confused,I called her on the phone and we talked for a long while but I feel,imagine? something has changed  i picked her up at the airport and we fought[we'll thats what she said we wrere doing,i was just trying to discuss.Now i am in a total funk.thoughts?

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited April 2012

    Well, since no one else is jumping in... huh?

    For me, a vacation is getting away and being at that place. Not calling home two or three times a day. Talking on the phone two times a day seems excessive to me. To be honest, one call to say "I arrived safely" and maybe one other time to just check in seems about right. Then you have stories to tell when you get home after leaving your "real" life behind.

    Maybe your wife has just finished chemotherapy, is exhuasted and just wanted to some "me" time.

    If you were my husband, I can assure you that I would saying "lighten up" but I married someone who kind of hates talking on the phone.

    Good luck,

    *susan* 

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  • gungadin
    gungadin Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2012

    thanks for getting back to me and good luck to you

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  • sweetbean
    sweetbean Member Posts: 1,931
    edited April 2012

    I agree with Susan.  After I finished treatment, I wanted to go away and sit on the beach and stare at the water for hours.  I still pretty much want that.  I just wanted to forget about the last ten months of my life.  A lot of women go into  a funk when treatment is over - it's hard to reconcile what just happened and your new life and everything.  You're going to have to give her some space to process this and be supportive, even if she doesn't want to talk all the time.

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  • AlaskaAngel
    AlaskaAngel Member Posts: 1,836
    edited April 2012

    Hi gungadin,

    Relationships and communication are complicated and difficult enough without breast cancer treatment, so it isn't surprising that they get worse sometimes with it.

    My spouse of 40 years now has been hugely supportive. But the problem for us is that we are used to solving all the problems, and used to solving them together. Breast cancer treatment can cause some problems that have no effective solutions or only solutions that won't let us get back to being the same as we were before. That includes some problems that affect the most intimate parts of our lives and that affect each partner differently. Both people have wants, but the wants may have changed for one partner and not the other, and not be shared as much as they were before the treatment.

    I tend to agree with Susan, but since the group that went on vacation was not limited to women, there is the question of why you did not go, and I don't know the answer to that question.

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  • gungadin
    gungadin Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2012

      I didn't go because we have 2 dogs that she loves dearly,i didn't think she would be able to relax unless I stayed home with the pups they are very high manintenance,she would be worrying about them all the time.

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited April 2012

    What is it you are accusing your wife of? Having a good time witout you? If my Hubby expected meb to call him. Continueally when I went somewhere - he'd bne in for a rude awakening. Igo to Weekend Retreats 1wice a year - tell himgood bye when Ibleave the house at 7 Fri morn and dopn't call till I'm back in town Sunm afternoon in case I need to pickl up something in town.



    Wonder what your marriage is based on if you're so freaked out when she's not alone but with FAMILY and friends?

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  • jenlee
    jenlee Member Posts: 504
    edited April 2012

    Gungadin,

    I can relate to what you're saying as I've been on both sides of this (without cancer being a factor).  I've caught a lot of grief in several relationships when I was away and didn't call enough, or believe it or not, forgot to call.  Yet I've been a crazed lunatic when on the other side of the fence.  I've always found that the one who is home is constantly thinking about the one who is away...  The one who is away is often really "away" from home, life, problems.  Hopefully even having some fun! Hopefully this will end up being just a bump in the road in your relationship.  Peace, Jenifer 

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  • gungadin
    gungadin Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2012

    Jenie,thanks for your response ,good luck to you.Hopefuly thats all it will be.To the lady above we had a relationship where we good naturedly communicated via text quite often ,then she goes to Aruba and the messages waned.

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  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited April 2012

    During the times when my husband go place seperately, the person leaving will call to let the other know they arrived safely, and then usually once in the evening to check in.  We arrange that ahead of time so we both know the expectations and it works for us.

    I will also text or email my husband if something interesting happens.  He doesn't text so I wouldn't expect that from him.

    I think the fact that you didn't lay it out in advance caused problems.  If she didn't know you were expecting her to contact you every day, she might not have felt the need.  She was with plenty of people so there was nothing to worry about it.  She was probably just having fun and glare is a good reason - it is hard to use modern cell phones on the beach.

    I think you might owe her an apology and if you guys ever do this again, put your expectations out in advance. 

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited April 2012

    You did not understand (guess I didn't make it clear) what I was talking about with going on my Retreats. These are times for ME - to heal, grow, learn - allowing me to be ME - to not depend on Hubby, to not be influenced by what he wants/needs/thinks. This should have been a time for your to be herself and find her new self Y not be accountable to you. My Retreats are at a place where if azanything went 'wrong' they can contact Hubby, visa/versa. When I get back we always talk about some of what went on but cettainly not everything. We've been married 36 yrs and trust and respect each other - had to - the first 19 1/2 yrs he was AD USN.



    Hubby's job can often require him to go 300 - 500 miles from home on almost a moment's notice. He will call me and tell me where he's going. He'll call when he gets there and when he heads home. Especially if he doesn't stop and pick up his dog to ride with him, he will call me when he gets bored sometimes. If something comes up I want/need to tell him - I call. We live in an area where cell coverage is very limited in some areas so not always possible to get through. We actually communicate with each other - not play 'texting games'. It's called love, but love does not exist without trust and respect. Domination/possession/jealous does exist BUT without love. True love is not oen sided.



    What is the significance of your choice of screen name? I can usually see something in a name that makes sense or at least doesn't make me think about it. But to choose the screen name of Gunga Din at a BC site and then question your wife's behavior seems strange to me. Gunga Din (Rudyard Kipling's fictional bhisti) supported and gave his all to 'his' troops but you seem not to want to support your wife but support your own wants. (Yes, there are women who have read "Departmental Dities" and a lot of other works by many.)



    None of us remain the same forever. It's called life and growth.

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  • gungadin
    gungadin Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2012

      cool breeze -I thank you much for your response,she said she didn't expect to communicate as much as we normally do (after we discussed it).I apolologized to her but in my mind it still bothers me,and I'm trying to figue out why.But I will be with her every step of the way in her treatment.As for the other poster the communication changed when she went away that's my point.My screen name has a special significance.I don't think my wife would agree with your appraisal of me.

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  • CLC
    CLC Member Posts: 1,531
    edited April 2012

    Gungadin...

    I understand your feelings, or at least, can relate to them.  There are times that my husband does not call while away and I am hurt or worried.  But, there are times I am away and forget to call, too.

    I have not been on the caretaking side of breast cancer.  I imagine that if I were the caretaker, I would be used to being all there all the time.  Then, to have my dh leave and not need me, would be unsettling.  Sort of like empty nest syndrome.  Well, that is me.  My dh would NOT feel that way.  But that is a whole other nest of eggs...:)

    Add to all of that that this is a time of upheaval.  Cancer changes things.  Forever.  And then, any sense of insecurity about the relationship is bound to find its way to the surface.

    I don't know if any of that applies to you.  It might if it were me.  But...I can say this...it will be important now for you to continue to support your wife, but you may have to adjust to the newness of ending treatment and starting a new phase...  Support may mean new things...

    Again, I may be way off base...but your posts brought these thoughts to mind for me...

    Claire

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  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited April 2012

    Kicks,

    Kinda judgmental post there.   

    What's a "texting game?"  Are you saying people who text each other don't communicate in depth?  Maybe not with texting, but you can send photos of where you are, say "I miss you" or, "look what I saw"  That is including your partner, at least to a small extent, in your experience.

    I think your connection with the user name and the question is, frankly, a huge biased leap. 

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  • AlaskaAngel
    AlaskaAngel Member Posts: 1,836
    edited April 2012

    Gungadin,

    I don't think we can know what is on her mind, and I think doing what you think is most honest is all you can do, while you honor your own instincts and impressions.

    My husband would have also stayed home with the dogs for me, and it would be a special gift that he did that and passed up on going on vacation with everyone just so that I could take it easy.

    AlaskaAngel

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  • gungadin
    gungadin Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2012

    alaska Angel-  thanks for your kind thoughts.cool breeze,thats what i thought  she would be doing,just staying in touch more than 2x a day-but obviously she has a lot on her mind.claire,thanks to you also, this is some serious ####.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited April 2012

    I think it's much ado about nothing. The not calling thingy. Your world has just been thrown into chaos by the tornado of a scary health issue. Everything now is different. Time to establish some new connections with each other and allow for some radical differences. Trust, mutual support, and patience will be so important.

    Not easy but so important. If you need a third party to help you stay on track with each other, go for it.

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  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited April 2012

    What I dislike more than anything else is to go away on a trip - have a great time - and then come home to a complaining husband.  You stated that you were "discussing" the fact that she didn't call you - she took it as you complaining and I would have done the very same thing.  After all - you bring this up immediately upon her return?  If you were not "complaining" then you would have waited a couple of days and just generally tell her that you would have liked to have heard from her more often.

    I take trips without my husband twice a year.  I call him when I arrive and maybe once a day while I am there even when I am gone for 3 weeks in a row!  I enjoy the time of not having to be a "wife" and I truly love my husband very much.  But when I am home I am thinking about making sure he has clean clothes, clean house, dinner on the table, grocery shopping.  Going away I can leave all that stuff behind and just relax.  I don't feel the need to talk to him daily anymore than he feels the need to check up on me. 

    Likewise a couple of years ago he went to a foreign country where cell coverage is extremely limited and in fact he wasn't able to use a cell there but would find a means to email me every 3 to 4 days and let me know he was ok.  I didn't "talk" to him on the phone for 3 weeks.

    My dh and I truly trust one another.  We don't feel the need to check in with each other.  Out of respect for one another we do call each other and give updates but it is not something that we "expect" from one another.

    I would dread returning home if I knew that my dh was going to complain about something while I was away.  You don't want your wife to ever have those feelings.  You want her to "want to come home" to you.

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  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited April 2012

    Gungadin, do think it may be that the miscommunication happened in this instance because you were both feeling totally differently. I have a picture of you in my mind at home looking after the dogs and thinking about your wife a lot, missing her, maybe worrying a bit, hoping she was ok, wondering what she was doing etc. Thinking..a lot! Whereas she was napping, swimming, relaxing, nothing to do, no treatment, thinking woah 'what the feck just happened to me', having a cocktail and twice a day thought ' oops better call hubby'? we percieve things so differently depending on where our head is imo. For the record you sound like a cool guy who had his feelings hurt unintentionally. Hope you guys get passed it. Best wishes

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  • gungadin
    gungadin Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2012

    angel sister-I believe that's what probaby happened , I encouraged her to go and then i guess deep down I resented it. The fallout has dramatically altered our relationship,I hope we can get past it also.thanks

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