"Mojo" thread and others - it does bother me....

Options
1Athena1
1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
edited June 2014 in Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests

  

This is a sort of response to/revisiting of a recent thread on Stage IV where the question was asked whether it bothered anyone when old threads started by people who had died were dug up.

I want to say it does bother and ask if the mods can somehow lock old threads that no one has visited for years.

It bothers me no end to see the thread "I want my mojo back!" come in and out of circulation from time to time. It was started by a lady who has since died - a wonderful rant by a lively soul about the loss of libido. I don't think she ever imagined it would continue to be tossed around years after she was gone.

Same goes for threads from others who are no longer here...perhaps they posted a health update or something mundane.

I know there is chemo brain, or ADHD or sheer exhaustion. These boards can be hard to navigate for the person not accustomed to Internet discussion boards. So I think part of the responsibility belongs to the moderators to please keep abreast of this. BCO is getting enormous and somewhat unwiedly to navigate and this may be a consequence of that (although it's gone on for ages). Perhaps one way to do this would be to "flag" the profile of someone who we know is gone and make sure that if, say, they posted about dandilions in March 2009 when seeking advice about gardening in their stage IIA days, some space cadet can't answer them with advice about seeds in 2012 - and turn up on Active topics!

But it's also on us posters to be careful. Good to read the date if you come across a thread that is many pages back. Just because it's there doesn't mean it is still relevant. I think BCO is unusual in how long some threads can linger - I am sure there is a good reason in many cases. For example "chemo sisters" from a certain month/year may want to know how to reconnect. But in some cases they should just be locked. Sentimentality has its limits. If you are dying to post in the "Halstead mastectomy sisters of 1940" thread because, oh, you so miss your friends, then just create a new OP with the same title and say "revisited" or something. Tongue out

Oftentimes it's just painful. I was dismayed every time I had to see a thread pop up for MONTHS about a dear friend being an Angel because people kept posting on it. It's just not something one wants while still in mourning. I don't need the goading. I don't want to relive the awful experience of waking up one morning and seeing that headline. I already know it happened! Let's let sleeping angels lie, or start a new commemoration thread. If that person's mountainnering thread is still around --in which we see a picture of a cancer-ess athlete climbing the slopes, or turning sumersaults-- mods, please lock! There is something called "search" that we can all use if we want to revisit memories of that person. But that commemoration or "gravesite" visit should be personal and private - not for the Active Topics section to see. Nothing like a bit of good taste to go a long way, what.Foot in mouth

Anyway, this is a bit of a rant. I suppose I do feel quite strongly. IMHO only, etc.. YBMV ("Your Brain May Vary") It's no one person's fault. Thought I'd put it out there to "raise awareness" if you will.

[[[ UPDATE 4/7/12  2:45 pm ET: After reading some responses, I realize that I was not very clear in the initial version of this post, so I am appending the following: I am NOT referring to general topical threads started by someone who is no longer here - such as a game on the humor forum. Those can stay forever as far as I am concerned. I am talking about personal threads (eg: "my" libido, "my" garden, "my" xeloda treatment, etc...) started by those no longer here. ]]]] 

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited April 2012

    I guess I have a different take on it. I regularly post on several threads started by ladies who are no longer with us (Konakat's 'Book Lovers Thread' for one). Some topics remain relevant, interesting, and helpful. If I were to start a topic that people still want to discuss after I die, I will take it as a compliment. Just my opinion, I don't think there is a 'right' or 'wrong' way to think about it.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited April 2012

    Athena - I have the upmost respect for you so please don't take this wrong.

    I get what you are saying - I truly do.

    However, if I am not mistaken, this same topic came up before regarding the Mojo thread.  I think the content of that thread is very revelent to so many women in the past, now, and in the future.  Also the thread of "Solution to Painful Intercourse" - I would hate to see that thread get lost in the shuffle as if you read through it you will see so many sisters here have been helped by the OP who has since passed.  However, the information provided was so important to so many women and has helped countless women - even those that are out there and never responded their personal results.

    I can see where other threads in which content is less important be archived but who is going to determine what is important and what isn't?  What is important to me may not be as important to you.  Maybe look at what issues in the OP are revelent in the future?

    I am having difficulty getting my thoughts across tonight.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited April 2012

    We have been reading this thread with interest. As with so many subjects here, there are bound to be differing feelings and opinions. While there will never be one answer that best suits everyone, we have listened to suggestions in previous discussions, such as those to allow members to block seeing their choice of threads or forums, and we hope to be able to incorporate sensitive changes into future site updates.

    Your Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ElenaMarie62
    ElenaMarie62 Member Posts: 105
    edited April 2012

    Dear Athena,

    I can understand your feelings about these posts in some ways, but in other ways, think about it in the following sense: We are all here for a certain amount of time on this earth. I hope that when my time comes to go, that others will care enough to remember me, even if it is in a very small way.

    My husband has been dead for 7 years this June, and he always said to me, that if I went first, he could not stand to go on. Yet, that is almost what you are saying by asking that these posts be blocked or taken off, etc, etc.....

    If someone wants to look up information, and they get the smallest amount of comfort from someone's post, whether they are still with the living or not, then I see no reason to put a ban on these posts.

    Do you or others here watch movies from the past? All those good movies that are from the 1930's or 1940's? How about the television shows like "I Love Lucy", or all the music that we listen to that was written centuries ago? Do we not want to listen to Beethoven or Mozart or the Beatles because most of these people are all dead? I think not.

    So, I believe that we should cherish the fact that these OP's were once with us here, no matter how long ago, and that we should be grateful when we see their name come up once in a while.

    Yes, sometimes it hurts to look back and remember our friends and family members who have passed on, but I really don't want to see others make it impossible for those members who still can be helped by a thread that the OP started, if that information will help in any way, shape or form.

    I miss my husband dearly, and yet, not one day goes by, when I haven't thought about him, or felt totally blessed to have had him as a part of my life.

    One hundred years from now, most of us will all be gone, no matter what the cause.

    Sit back and listen to the nature around us, while we have the chance. And please, remember those who have gone on ahead of us. I think if most of them could say something now, they would be happy to know that they were so well remembered here.

    Happy Easter, Passover, or just have a wonderful Saturday, April 7.

    (by the way, today one year ago, I was in surgery now. Also, this is the day my father died many years ago. I cherish the fact that I am still here to remember these things.) 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited April 2012

    When I go on the 'Book Lovers' thread, started by Konakat when she was already so sick, I am not only grateful to her because I love to read and hang out with fellow readers, but I also get a secret chuckle out of her photo. Being a friend of hers, I know that the outfit she was wearing (but which we don't see) consisted of a black teddy and fish net stockings!!! So it brings me back to her great sense of humor and zest for life as well.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited April 2012

    Mods - Excellent connection you make (slapping paw on head - hadn't occurred to me - duh). Thanks.

    ETA: Big clarification I should have made at the op:

    I am NOT talking about general topical threads such as a game on the humor forum - or the Book Lovers Club. Those can stay forever as far as I am concerned. I am talking about personal threads (eg: "my" libido, "my" garden, "my" xeloda treatment, etc...) started by those no longer here. Think I will append this to my OP.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited April 2012

    If you aren't Stage IV you can't understand the impact. Minimum they should be locked from further posting. Every time someone resurrects a memorial post I have to wrestle with my own mortality.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited April 2012

    They are going to listen to us and sometime in the future, incorporate our requests into future updates, and thank us for our suggestions.

    Been seeing that statement for three years now.  I'll believe it when I see it, which will be never. Their future updates will happen after I'm dead and gone.  Must be nice to have a self-immolating population of users; they never have to do anything.

    Obviously, I agree with you Athena.  It's heartbreaking to think about all these fine souls who are now gone and see their words pop up over and over.  That's why I only start stupid topics that won't live in infamy. 

    The mods are only here to inappropriately pimp articles from the main site into the threads.  I guess they have to pay the bills somehow. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited April 2012

    Chickadee: I am not stage IV but I see this in a similar way as you.

    The best way I can put my views on it is this: gravesite visits should be private and personal. If a person wants to visit someone's thread ("grave/memorial stone") to post about the person ("place a bouquet of flowers") they should do so in their own way and time. It's a wonderful thing to do - but we all have a different sense of timing, and some of us are still overcome with mourning or, as chickadee says, do not want to have to wrestle with our mortality all the time.

    Nothing to do with good old memories and films - I'd embarrass myself if I disclosed how many of my childhood books I still read! I even keep love letters of bygone chapters in my life. Tongue out

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • redskies
    redskies Member Posts: 99
    edited May 2012

    Chickadee and coolbreeze, I agree completely people who aren't stage 4 "don't get it." 

    I thought the stage 4 forum  was to be a safe haven for us. Several times I've felt like I was sucker punched in the gut when I have seen these old threads. Coming to this forum seeking UNDERSTANDING, support and comfort, I feel sick, and maybe even a little violated.

    I do not want to be lectured by non-stage 4 persons about how I should think or feel and as far as people seeking info, honestly I don't give a sh*t. They can go somewhere else.  The post by ElanaMarie (who is most likely a caring and compassionate person) is a great example of someone meaning well, BUT NOT UNDERSTANDING.

    I do not need or want to be lectured about facing death and MY OWN mortality when a week ago I had to sit and look at my oncologist admit in a very quiet voice that if the current chemo doesn't work on my brain mets, she really wasn't sure what to do. I spoke with my onc's wonderful nurse later who reassured me, but told me it was a question of QOL vs trying increasingly harsh chemos. "The Talk" is hovering over my head, like  vultures circling in the sky.

    We try to explain with as much patience as we can but it is exhausting. Should we have to deal with this here of all places?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ElenaMarie62
    ElenaMarie62 Member Posts: 105
    edited May 2012

    Dear Redskies,

    I truly am sorry for having hurt anyone here by anything I said. I believe that on April 7, the day I posted, above, that I was remembering when I had my first of three surgeries last year, and also, that was the anniversary of the day my father died, who at the age of 54, died of a brain tumor after much suffering that we all went through with him in my family.

    I truly understand and I do know how terribly painful it is to watch our loved ones suffer.

    I almost died in 1993 from massive hemorrhaging and going into congestive heart failure at the age of 44. To face one's possible death is very devastating to say the least. So, please know that I do understand and I do not mean to come across as lecturing anyone.

    Yesterday I had to see my breast surgeon due to some lumps in my right 'foob' that suddenly appeared a few weeks ago. I have to keep an eye on them. Every person in my own family, has had cancer, and my mother died from colon cancer. I watched how she suffered and I do understand the tremendous sadness and suffering that she went through along with my four siblings (who have all had cancer).

    I again, apologize for hurting you or anyone else by what I was saying. This has been a very hard time for me also, as I have a rare disease since I had rheumatic fever, that can cause my throat to swell up, and cause anaphylactic shock. I have been through that many times, and I know what it is like to face possible death.

    So, even though I may only be at Stage IIA, I have so much other stuff going on, along with heart issues, that I truly do UNDERSTAND.

    Take care, and I only wish you the very best during this frightening time you are facing with your own health.

    Whether or not you believe in an afterlife, I will keep you in my prayers.  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited December 2012

    Oh, for GOD's sake -someone just resurrected a thread of a dear one's passing - so I am ressurrecting this one. Grrrr. I would HATE to have to block that thread.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Crescent5
    Crescent5 Member Posts: 442
    edited December 2012

    I am with Athena on this. People can read old, informative posts, but personal posts (especially one about sex for Heaven's sake) started by one who has passed should be locked for further postings. As a community, we should protect our stage IV sisters from further pain and anxiety. Old information can always be brought up in a new thread.

    Fun threads are a different matter, I suppose. I shouldn't be that difficult for the mods to hammer out some criteria here.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited December 2012

    We understand that no one solution will be satisfactory to everyone, and we have tried to find a middle ground with the enhanced blocking function. Now, if it troubles you to see old threads from members who have died, you can block the individual thread so it will not appear in your view of Active Topics or All Topics.

    However, what those members brought to the community - their insights, humor, wisdom and personality - can still be accessed and honored by their friends, and by new members.

    • Your Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Mzmerz
    Mzmerz Member Posts: 1,054
    edited March 2013

    I was coming to ask this very same question!  Today, someone has resurrected an old thread by Apple.  Then someone opened up a thread from 2008 to ask how that person was. That person had passed away in 2010, I believe. I think that some of these older threads need to be locked up.  

    I agree about some of them not being locked, like the painful intercourse one, but what Athena says is totally valid and we would like some assistance here.  

    If there hasn't been any activity on a thread in a certain amount of time, say 6 months, then it gets locked.  That would prevent threads that are general knowledge threads from being locked.  I think that is not an unreasonable request?  I understand the mods want to keep an open forum, but to us, who have lost friends near and dear, to come to the boards and see someone post something on thier old posts, it kind of pokes at a healing wound, as it were.  

    Respectfully yours.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited March 2013

    Not stage IV, but I also find this jolting.  I've also noticed that much of the resurrecting is done by people pretty new to the Boards.  When I first found the Boards, it was via a Google search for a particular topic.  As would be reasonably expected, I was CLUELESS.  I didn't happen to post - lurked a while - but that's how it all started for me.  I don't see the harm in using some parameters to lock old threads, as others have suggested.  Would there be a way to leave something in a "read only" format?  

    If someone felt the need to add or share something, for example the long-awaiting cure for the sexual curse of BC treatment, they could start a new thread.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Mzmerz
    Mzmerz Member Posts: 1,054
    edited April 2013

    Once again, someone resurrected a thread from 2009, most of the posters in that thread have passed away :(  

    This post was in Stage 4.  It is jolting, and it actually is a little mentally hard on us that have watched others pass away, only to have these things pop up.

    Thank you

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited April 2013

    Sigh, I agree with what others have said above.  It is very upsetting to see some of these threads come back in to Active Topics.  Is there a reason why with descrection, some of them can't be locked?  If someone has an 'old' question, they can start a new thread.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories