Nonstop family arguing.

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ILoveMyCello
ILoveMyCello Member Posts: 20
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Last year, when my Mom was dx with stage IV, she divorced my Dad (I fully believe the hoarded out house they lived in contributed some way to her cancer), took my brother (he's 21 and I'm 26) and we all moved to a 3 bedroom apartment. Mom is still doing well and working fulltime as an elementary music teacher, but will be starting WBR to treat a large area of skull mets April 2nd for 15 sessions. Strangely enough, she has no symptoms and her team of doctors are very optimistic in her recovery (all other cancer is gone for now). I don't mind helping my Mom out.

But now that we are all in this apartment together (since May 2011) it has been nonstop arguing and yelling, mainly centered around my brother and the drama in his life. His girlfriend of 2 years kept a blog about how stupid my whole family was (calling my mom the c*** with cancer) until I found it. He refuses to break up with her, and she has put lots of things on Twitter about the "cashout" of life insurance she will receive one day from her. My mom financially supports him, but he refuses to work more than 5 hours a week. Mom put both of us on her checking account, and since I work for the bank, I figured out dear brother was taking out hundreds of dollars. We took his name off. Brother stole her car and totaled it driving to PA to see his girl last spring break. Mom of course went and picked him up. 

Mom won't send him back to Dad's or kick him out. I KNOW that she doesn't want to alienate him in case her health gets worse. I also KNOW that this is a lot to deal with for anyone. But, I am really unhappy, and this cancer only complicates the situation. I don't want to wake up in my 30's and regret not helping my Mom, which I feel like is going to end up happening :-(

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  • leggo
    leggo Member Posts: 3,293
    edited March 2012

    This is going to sound harsh, but brother doesn't sound like the type to give a sh*t that mom's sick and I seriously doubt will help out if her health gets worse. Stress is the worst thing to have to put up with when dealing with cancer. I don't know why she would refuse to kick him out, but some parents are that way, I guess .I am confused by two things though....why would brother's girlfriend get a cash-out unless the will specifies that and why would you end up regretting helping your mom? I'm confused by that..

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited March 2012

    I don't understand how the girl friend thinks she can "cash out " someone else's insurance. My understanding is that the only personwho can get a 'cash out' is the person who owns the policy. The only way she would get any money from the policy is if your Mother has named her as a/the beneficiary.



    Dwake up in my 30's and regret helping my Mom". How uncarei8ng. We only have one mother. If you feel that way then move on now - but if you do I can almost guarantee that you will wake up once she's gone and realize how petty you were and regret to your dieing day your shelfishness. You say your Mom is doing great so live your life. If/When the time comes and she needs help then do what you can - then. Sounds like she needs to do a lot of 'tough love' on both of her kids.



    Prayers for her!

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  • fitzdc
    fitzdc Member Posts: 1,467
    edited March 2012

     I understand... My mother 'helps' my brother.  He is unemployed with no plan to get a 'real'  job.   Recently, she put him on her phone plan (not me, though)  stating she 'had to - he works it off by dusting the house.' 

     I don't think you are uncaring - you are overwhelmed.  As is your mom.  She doesn't want to alienate her kids, but I think she is making the same mistake my mom is making - by providing above and beyond to him, she is causing you heartache.    Talk to your mom  without anger but tell her what the situation is doing to you.  Request that the housing be split three ways and if brother can't do it, then he is gone.  21 is old enough to fend for himself.  (Aside - my brother does not live with my parents and does make enough at odd jobs to pay his own living expenses - except the phone).

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  • leggo
    leggo Member Posts: 3,293
    edited March 2012

    ILoveMyCello, is there a chance you mistyped your OP and meant to say you would end up regretting NOT helping your mother?

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  • momof3boys
    momof3boys Member Posts: 896
    edited March 2012

    If your Mom is working full time as an elementary teacher, then why does she have two adult children living with her? Geesh... I feel bad for HER. I think both you and your brother should move out. Help out your Mom if / when she needs it, but, she deserves some peace.

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  • sweetbean
    sweetbean Member Posts: 1,931
    edited March 2012

    Yes, ILovemycello, you should move out and get your own place.  Or a apt with a roommate your own age.  Then tell your mom that she should make your brother do the same thing.  You need some space to get your head together - this is a lot that you are dealing with.  I don't think you will regret helping your mother, but I don't think you need to give up your life for her BC, either.  After all, she is doing very well now and hopefully will for many, many years.  You can get a place close by so that you can help her whenever she needs it, but then you can go home and hang out with your friends.

    I agree that your brother is a loser.  (Sorry, but it's true.)  However, if she is going to enable him, there is not much you can do.  I wouldn't give her any money - he might be able to get his hands on it.  If you want to help, maybe you could pay for things for her.  

    So.  Move out and get your own place.  Your brother should do the same. 

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  • ILoveMyCello
    ILoveMyCello Member Posts: 20
    edited March 2012

    Yup, that was definitely a typo! I meant to say NOT helping my mom. Sorry. As for us living with her,  my brother is usually at school most of the time, and I didn't want my mom to be alone during chemotherapy (which she just finished) or whole brain radiation (which she is about to start). At the time, she wasn't able to afford living expenses if she left the house, so I pay half of rent and utilities. I decided to move out this summer and move to an apartment in the same complex (I like the complex). That way I can have my own space and still be helpful so I don't get overwhelmed like I am now.

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  • leggo
    leggo Member Posts: 3,293
    edited March 2012

    I thought so. It kind of sounds like you have it all worked out now. It's very kind of you to live with her to help with the expenses. That alone is probably a big load off her mind. That brother thing though, that's a tricky one. Hopefully, one day she'll realize he's not going to be particularly helpful. I know so many people who have useless, lazy sons living at home and sponging. Kicking them out is probably easier said than done. When push comes to shove, it's still your child. As for the girlfriend, I think I know what you mean....she's going to benefit just because your brother will get some money, right? Don't worry to much about that. She sounds like the type that will blow his inheritance anyway. I think he'll be sorry then. Ultimately, the universe unfolds just as it should. Guaranteed he'll be crawling to you though, to help him out when the money's gone. I wouldn't give him any. Maybe you can talk you mom into leaving him out of the will until he gets his act together. That might just be the push he needs to smarten up. Good luck to you in your new place this summer and I hope all goes well with your mom's treatments.  

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