Will I be a chosen one?

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jennyboog
jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer
I've not been on here much lately...I started back to work and don't have the time I once did to log on daily.  It was so weird going back that first week, starting a new job is akward enough without just having dealt with BC.  I just didn't feel like I belong or could relate to anyone.  They were all talking about vacations, etc.  I could talk about chemo, surgery and rads Smile.  One good thing about going back is that BC is now in the back of my mind most the time but the pains of walking around constantly during the day are there.  My leg has been hurting so bad since I started, I know its most likely arthitis but that fear is always there isn't it.  I did meet a BC survivor yesterday....17 years, stage III.  I wonder if I'll be a chosen one like her...I guess that is something I won't find out until it happens or doesn't happen. Why are some chosen to go on and some are not....if the dr's could answer that then we wouldn't have the fear would we.  This is probably the same question people ask after a plane crash or something similiar.  The million dollar question, right.  It was a story of hope and I was happy for her but couldn't help but think will that be me, what did she do that I need to do.  It's my was of thinking I still have control over this I guess.  Also, yesterday a coworker was dx with BC, she has only done her biopsy and is about to start her hell.  I'm not sure what my purpose of this topic was, I just needed to vent and let everyone know about a 17 year survivor...we all need those stories of hope.
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  • Mamita49
    Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
    edited March 2012

    When I was on Chemo, I was sure I was going to die within a year.

    My neighboor was running every freaking morning a 5k . Today, poor man, is in a wheel chair with a muscle desease, and its me who is running.

    I do believe in the power of faith, and that I can do what I can do.

    1. Good food

    2. Exercise

    3. Supplements/Vitamins

    4. Research and up-dating your knowledge about bc, and check-ups.

    What else can you do ?

    Believe that you will be fine, and you will be.....Wink 

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  • TectonicShift
    TectonicShift Member Posts: 752
    edited December 2015

    Oh, Jenny, thank you for mentioning that you met a 17-year stage 3 survivor. That's very encouraging! I just finished chemo on Friday. I worrry that I didn't do enough chemo. (I'm jealous of the MDA women who get flourouracil - I just got AC+T). I worry about how rads will go. I worry that I won't do well on Tamoxifen. And yes I worry that I won't be one of the chosen ones. I think we all worry about that. I have no answers but from what I can tell from the long-timers here the key is to stay busy and try not to dwell on the what-ifs. Easier said than done I know.

    I cannot imagine going back to work. I hope to someday but I can't imagine ever feeling well enough. Congratulations on getting to that point! 

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  • Dianarose
    Dianarose Member Posts: 2,407
    edited March 2012

    Hi, I was just diagnosed with stage llla. It's a little complicated. My biobsy showed IDC and that's what they went in to get with the lx. I got the path results yesterday and it has IDC, ILC, DICS, AND LCIS. Talk about taking me off guard. She had taken 4 nodes and all four have traces of ILC. I really didn't have any tumors so to speak, but traces of the ILC in all the tissue she took.

    I am terrified of chemo. I have to work. I am single with a 12 yr old and a mortgage and don't know how I am going to do it. My MO suggested AC +T.

    Posy1- how well did you tolerated it??? She acted like it was nothing and I could work.

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  • Elizabeth1959
    Elizabeth1959 Member Posts: 346
    edited March 2012

    Dianarose



    I worked the majority of my chemo. I also did AC and T. Truthfully it was a horrendous experiences. Do you have anyone who can help? There will be times when you will be too exhausted to do the things you need to do. I don't believe that your MO thinks working through chemo is nothing. She probably just wants to give you your best chance of being a 17 year survivor. I think you will need extra support from work as well as help from family and friends to get through this. The good news is I'm 1 year past surg/chemo/rads and I actually feel good. You will also





    Elizabeth

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  • Dianarose
    Dianarose Member Posts: 2,407
    edited March 2012

    Elizabeth, did you do the oncotype dx? I am also nervous about them taking the rest of my lymph nodes. How is your arm?

    I work in a hot kitchen as a pastry chef and I am not sure how that will mix with chemo.

    Do you know if tamox will work on any cells that are in the nodes or might have made it by?

    I am glad you feel good now. I need some positive right now. Thanks

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  • TectonicShift
    TectonicShift Member Posts: 752
    edited March 2013

    Dianarose, 

    I am not working right now so I had the luxury of being at home all during chemo. I honestly do not think I could have worked during the AC. I spent my days in bed or on the couch. Probably I could have worked during the Taxol because I didn't feel sick on Taxol, but it would have depended on what my work was because I had shooting pains in my torso for the first week after each infusion and my hands and feet went numb and are still numb. Fatigue is also a big factor for both AC and Taxol. So being on my feet all day would have been very difficult.

    I do know people who worked during AC. Since you are in Maine you will likely have chemo every two weeks. Most Northeast hospitals do it that way. If you must work, then if possible try to take at least the first few days or the first week after infusion off. Can you spread out your time off in that way? I always felt better the second week after infusion than the first week.

    All in all I didn't feel as bad as I expected to feel on chemo, but I don't think I could have worked. As long as I could be on my couch with cable TV and had ice cream or sherbet in the freezer and plenty of anti nausea meds (like every three or four hours), chemo was doable. If you can take time off, please do. Baby yourself as much as you can. That's my advice. You can do it!!!! 

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  • barbj1963
    barbj1963 Member Posts: 4
    edited March 2012

    Dianarose,

    I would get my chemo every other Wed., get my Neulasta shot on Thurs., then was down for the count over the weekend, and Mondays were not easy, but made it.  Was better by Tues, then coasted until the next round.  I worked the entire time full-time, and am a single mom.  Everyone reacts to it differently, but it is doable.  Check with your hospital/cancer center about funds available for cancer patients.  I qualified for $3500 from my small town hospital, and travel expenses were paid by my cancer treatment center (200 miles roundtrip).  Also, check with the American Cancer Society, and other agencies.  Any little bit helps.  Radiation was a different story for me, only because I had to travel so far so could work only part-time, but I hear of people working full-time thru it too.

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  • Dianarose
    Dianarose Member Posts: 2,407
    edited March 2012

    Barb- what type of cancer did you have? I just want to know how much of a benefit the chemo will really be.

    Posy- I can't not work. I would probably be replace being how I am the only pastry chef. I would understand them doing that. I also need to keep up with the mortgage and other bills. You are right, the MO said it would be every 2 weeks.

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  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited March 2012

    Jenny,

    I believe you are a chosen one!! I do!! I believe in the power of prayer!! I believe you did everything possible to avoid this disease every coming back! I believe you have children to raise and you will raise them!!!!!!! I believe  our minds hold lots of power, think positive!! Wow do I need to practice

    that one...................... I believe you have come so far, your LYMPH nodes did what they were supposed to do, they caught that cancer,  and now you are here, and we will be old ladie's together!!!!!!!!!!!  I have a friend who is 11 years from stage III, lots of nodes, big tumor...........She always tells me when ever we talk

    "They may never tell me I am cured, but I know I am" Truth be told I think she is too!!!

    Try to embrace work, I need to go back, I have way to much time on my hands right now.... I think keeping busy is one of the keys..FEAR SUCKS BUT, IT ONLY HAS CONTROL IF WE LET IT!!!

    lETS KICK FEAR TO THE CURB LADEI'S, THERE'S NO ROOM IN OUR LIVES FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    lOVE YA   XOXOXOX AND HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSS

    STEPH

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  • Elizabeth1959
    Elizabeth1959 Member Posts: 346
    edited March 2012

    Dianarose



    I did have oncotype dx done. I had a very low score. I had a HUGE tumor so I didn't consider not having chemo. I had an axillary node dissection and I do have lymphedema. I'm bad about wearing my sleeve. The data that showed that an axillary node dissection does not provide a survival benefit over a sentinel node biopsy had not come out until after I had the surgery. If you can avoid the dissection I would advise that you do. Lymphedema is a pain in the a$$.

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  • mary625
    mary625 Member Posts: 1,056
    edited March 2012

    Dianarose--I worked during A/C chemo. I had chemo on Thursdays every other week. I took off Fridays at first, but then starting doing some work from home on those days. Usually on Fridays, I still had so much of the steroids and other pre-meds in me that I felt goo. Saturday and Sunday, I was pretty tired. Monday was also bad--sometimes I went to work and other times worked at home. The rest of the time, I felt normal, especially the week after. Taxol was much easier. My biggest suggestion for getting through chemo is to walk regularly.

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  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited March 2012

    Dearest Jenny.

    I can only say there is truly no rythym or reason to any of this.

     There are so many who have not had good results, and then there are some of  us for some inexplicable reason that do great dispite the " stats "

    The only thing that kept me sane in the early years was my faith, my acceptance of what is God's will ,and my own diligence regarding my health and the things I could control.

    Please  try to remember we all go to that "dark place" , but  we do not have to live there.

    Blessings!

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  • barbj1963
    barbj1963 Member Posts: 4
    edited March 2012

    Dianarose--I had invasive mammary carcinoma, both breasts.

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  • Juliebell22
    Juliebell22 Member Posts: 72
    edited March 2012

    Ikc, well put! Jenny, I had my 3 month onco appt today. everything is seemed good, and he said he would see me back in 6 months. Went to work happy as a clam. Came home and changed, and felt something like a lump in between my clavical and radiation line. I started FREAKING out! Im hoping its just scar tissue. I see my radiation onco on mon, thank god! I have a beach vacation planned, and want to enjoy it! I too wonder if.....when....or "Or" chosen . all we can do is have faith. I believe I have to enjoy everyday with my daughter to the fullest. I probably do not take the best care of myself, but live better then "healthy" people. I take the time at 41 years old to swing on the swings with my 4 year old, hell, I go down the slide! All i have the power over, is my outlook. I cry alone at night like many of us with the "what ifs" then I realize.....every single day, every single person lives unconsciously with the what ifs. We just happen to be more aware. I was listening to my young neighbors yelling with excitement over a basketball game tonight, and I was so jealous of how carefree they sounded. I can relate to ya girlfriend! Love the hopeful stories as well. Never got what the pink ribbon and hope meant before dx.  Thanks for sharing. : )

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  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited March 2012

    Jenny, I hope you are.

    I hope we all are. 

    You were diagnosed close to the time I was, similar stats, and I know you've got little one(s) too.  I am so glad to hear about the 17 year survivor.  

    I go back and forth between feeling like I am getting my life back together pretty well, and then wondering if somehow I'm tempting fate to smack me one again by not worrying enough about it.  Really, it helps so much to just get out and be doing things again.  I loved Fonda's post this evening about the cement fountains.  I feel like at this point I've taken all the action I know to take to try to be around for my kids, now I just have to live my life every day with them.

      

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  • Karina121293
    Karina121293 Member Posts: 370
    edited March 2012

     Dear Jenny. Reading your post, I remembered one of O Henry's short stories - The Last Leaf. An old school favourite...

    Below is the link to it. Please read it.

    You are and will be a chosen one !!!!! We all will be !!!!! Our mission is not over ..... 

     www.voanews.com/./home/a-23-2009-07-31-voa2-83141882.htm

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  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited March 2012

    Hi, I have finished FEC which was ok but now on Taxotere which has hit me very bad. Swollen hands and sore nails, thrush in mouth & below, pain so bad in body that went to A & E and called my doctor out. I have two more to go and it makes me cry knowing how much pain I will go through.

    I have all my reports now and second opinion and everything looks good. Not sure how many lymph nodes are cancerous maybe 4 to 8. It said I had 37% chance of dying of breast cancer in the next ten years.

    I don't worry because what will be, will be.

    Just enjoy everyday with my three girls and hubby.

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  • kingjr66
    kingjr66 Member Posts: 764
    edited March 2012

    Jennyboog and all that visit here, my mother is a 35 year survivor.  no chemo, no rads, no tamoxifen.  Hers was at a time when there were no options except mastectomy and total removal of lymph nodes and she is still among us.  She is now 81 yrs old.  

    Mind over matter, never give up hope.

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited March 2012

    Thanks everyone, I know how I need to live and what I neeed to do...I guess I was just in a dark place for a couple of days.  I'm trying to move on and stay busy.  I've been trying to leave it behind but BC is now part of me, it can't be left behind and forgotten.  I have to bring it with me and learn how to carry it with everything else in my life.  I seem to do good for a while, being positive, putting my guard down and moving on and then it hits me like a brick wall between the eyes.  Thanks again for your advice and encouragement...love ya'll.

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  • lexi4
    lexi4 Member Posts: 1,074
    edited March 2012

    Gentle hugs Jennyboog.

    Lexi

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  • fondak
    fondak Member Posts: 376
    edited March 2012

    Dear Jennyboog

    Your post really encouraged me.  It reminded me of how idleness can fuel negative thoughts. 

    Also lkc, I share what you wrote about God's will.  When I told my son's of my diagnosis, they immediately responded.....We know God can take this away if He wants....so, we know if He doesn't it is for His purpose and His glory. 

    I know there are many people who don't understand that but it has made all the difference in the world for my family.  At this point, we were told if it is cancer it is just the beginning and was caught very early.  We were surprised when they told us stage 3 but our view didn't change with the news.

    I do believe too that I am need to do what I can control.  With that being said, I have got to get serious about exercise.  I gained 20+ pounds on chemo.  I've lost some but will have a hysterectomy in May and I hear that can cause weight gain.

    Thanks for sharing and hope things get easier as you get into the groove of things.

    Fonda

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  • SharonMH
    SharonMH Member Posts: 353
    edited March 2012

    Hi  Jenny,   Hope things are going well for you at work. Are you in the same line of work? Is your Mom watching the children?  Sorry about so many questions. To being one of the chosen ones. SharonH

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited March 2012

    Hey Sharon,

    Yes...same line of work.  Yes....mom watching children (and grandma, she has alzheimers)  We had to move her in with us so my mom could watch her and my girls.  I have her at night and some weekends.  So far so good, everyone is happy and liking the set-up :)

    It's helped getting back to a normal life, scary but helping.  It would be very easy to sit in you're own self-pity after a dx.  Taking care of my grandma and getting back to work has helped with that not happening :)  I feel better this week, I was curious if anyone else had ever felt the same way.  I know it's not my will but God's....whether I reoccur or not is not up to me.  Thank you all for listening to me and always being there.

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  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited May 2012

    Finished chemo on May 4th I have my scan on 23rd may to see how things are. Booked surgery for 19th June I'm going for Lumpectomy then rads.

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  • Kathleen26
    Kathleen26 Member Posts: 210
    edited May 2012

    Dianarose, chemo and working is not easy but it IS doable.  The side effects are cumulative so for me the first 2 AC were not bad at all, the second 2 were harder but still doable.  I did the Thursday morning chemo, worked Thursday afternoon, and half a day Friday, then crashed hard over the weekend, but was fine by Monday.  For Taxol, the drugs they gave me with it meant I couldn't work much that afternoon because I was zonked out, but I was able to work Fridays with no problem, then crashed over the weekend.   The crashing with Taxol was coming off the steroids and not because of the Taxol itself.   I never missed a full day of work but there were maybe 3 or 4 days that I really wished I could have.   Otherwise I carried on.

    The chemo clinics are good about allowing you to pick a chemo day that suits your work schedule.  Lots of people do it and you can too.

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  • kingjr66
    kingjr66 Member Posts: 764
    edited May 2012

    Ali, best of luck to you.  Keep us posted.

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