What would you tell the kids about grandma?

Beo · April 2006

Hi, this is my first post. I am the mother of 5 year old twins, living in Japan. My mother in California has been battling GIST (gastrointestinal stromal tumor) for the last six years. Last year, she developed breast cancer and had a mastectomy. She took one round of chemo but had to stop because she had to go back on her GIST meds. In the last few months she has developed several lesions on her spine and in other areas. The docs say it looks like bc mets but aren't 100% sure. In any case, the tumors are growing very quickly. She will be starting radiation tomorrow. Okay, that's the background.

My question is, how much information should I give to my kids. My family is very close knit and even though we live 5000 miles away, we see each other several times a year for extended visits and speak on the phone every day. My girls have a very close relationship with their grandparents. We are planning visits back to California in May and August. Mom's doctor says that in May she should still be pretty mobile and comfortable, but by August she may have some paralysis due to the spinal tumors. I just don't know what to say to the girls, should I say nothing? I'm sure I'm overanalyzing this and should just let them deal with the changes as they occur, but my emotional side is wanting to tell them to treasure every moment because it's not going to last. And my intellectual side is saying, yeah right, they're five. Anyway, what would you do? How much information would you give to little kids? Any insight would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Beo

cowgirl · April 2006

hmmm well I believe in honesty but at a point the kids can handle it. With my kids it is age appropriate. So I would tell them that Grandma is sick, and she needs more treatment that will make her sicker. There is no way at five they can comprehend time is precious, so I would forget that idea, but I would prepare them so that if something happens it is not shocking. Now bear in mind death is not real to most five yr olds, my son did not understand Grandma passing at all. He wondered why people were crying so much and he as a grandson was a pall bearer. Death is not permenant to them, it is like on TV fake. So just prepare them and later it will "hit" them on what happened. In the meantime I will be praying for your mom and your family. I know this is very difficult to handle.

Beo · April 2006

Thanks for responding, Cowgirl. Of course, you're right, they'll have no understanding of the concept of precious time. I think I need to just sit back for awhile and try to come to terms with everything happening to my mom before I can address it with the girls. Thanks again for your input.
Beo

Terese · May 2006

Hello Beo,

I'm sorry you must go through this, and being so far away must make it even more difficult. I agree with Cowgirl - tell them that grandma is sick, but on their level.

Kids think about and realize situations more than they show - so they will see and feel your upsetment. That's why I think it is important to be honest with them - to a degree. I have 4 children, and my youngest is 10. We are all very close to my mom. Although my 10 year old knows her grandmother has cancer again, through her questions I can see that she doesn't comprehend her illness like the older ones do.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Terese

jz20022001 · May 2006

Sorry you have to deal with this. I would tell the kids at their level. They will pick up on the fact that you are upset anyway. Kids are very intuitive and it pays to be honest. When I was first diagnosed with DCIS my husband did not want to tell my daughter (age 10). I insisted.

Catherine

mommyof3 · May 2006

Hello,

I am sorry to hear about your mother but I believe that HOPE is a great motto to live our lives through daily.
This is also my first post. I just recently just found out that my mother also has breast cancer, however, we do not know all of the details yet. Today she had her biopsies and we will find out next week.
I am also at a lost at what to tell my 5 year old daughter. She is so smart and loves her grandma dearly. Coincidentily, we also live in California (Los Angeles) and think it is so special and awesome that you visit your mother so often.
We live close to my mother, so my chidren are very close to her. I am scared of the results and am afraid of the unknown.
We recently had a friend pass away from brain cancer and my 5 year old daugther witnessed her losing her hair and things and I am afraid of my daughter associating her death with what my mom may have to go through.
I am sorry, I don't think that I have helped you much, but I can also relate. Please let me know if you have recieved any good advice. Mine is to take one day at a time...

God bless and your mother will be in my prayers.

Mommy of 3 (I also have a 3 year old and a 9 month old)

PaulaBeth · May 2006

I think it would be best to tell them she is very sick, then just answer each question they ask with as little information as possible. They will keep asking until they get the information they are ready to handle if you don't act upset when they ask. My three-year-old granddaughter was very unsettled about my treatments. I finally decided to take her to see the radiation machine and chemo room. The machine scared her and we walked into the chemo room just in time for her to see a blood draw, but she was much more at ease about my treatments after being there. You know your kids best, so don't be afraid to do what you think is best, even if it seems like a risky thing to do.

What would you tell the kids about grandma?

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