Dealing with people

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jen70
jen70 Member Posts: 25
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

So, I was diagnosed two weeks ago with IDC.  I'm still in the midst of consultations, tests and making decisions regarding surgery.  I told very few people what was going on at first because I needed time to process and make sure my family and kids heard this from me in my own way.  I finally started telling a few other friends yesterday, and didn't ask these to keep it to themselves.  I knew it would get around, which is fine since telling people myself is no fun. 

Well, I get a message today from someone who basically hasn't spoken to me since last May.  She was someone I considered a very dear friend, we had a disagreement/ argument whatever you want to call it.  It ended with her saying she didn't want me in her life, and following through with not speaking to me.  She hurt me very much, and certainly wasn't the friend I thought she was.  We have tons of friends in common, and kids the same age.  We see each other and are polite, but don't really talk.  She left me a message and is sad to hear my news, want to go for coffee, she's been thinking about me, etc.

Seriously, she wants to be friends again because I have cancer? I'm a little angered and confused.

I'm 41 years old, and just typing this makes me realize how childish this whole thing is. Is it wrong of me not to call her back? I feel like I'm writing a letter to Dear Abby.  Dealing with all of this just sucks.

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  • LuvLulu07
    LuvLulu07 Member Posts: 778
    edited March 2012

    jen70   I would be confused too by your "friend" coming forward and wanting to communicate again.  Sometimes it takes a life altering thing to adjust our attitudes.  Maybe your friend realizes that her previous complaints were petty, and she's trying to make amends.  Or maybe she just feels guilty about what has happened.  

    This time is about you.  Your time to make decisions, to deal with strong emotions, and to move forward in a way that is good for you.   It is your choice on whether or not to move forward in the relationship.   Dealing with relationships after BC are tricky.  It is not wrong to not want to call her back.  Do what is right for you.  

      

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  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited March 2012

    Hi Hun, this happened to me we were friends for twenty years and she came to stay and then the next thing she didn't want to talk to me. My friend had a few marriage problems but I was so upset for years. Two years later I called her and we said we would keep in touch but she didn't. This Xmas gone I got a letter saying I'm thinking of you. Next thing I get breast cancer and I post it on Facebook. She has since called me every week, sent presents ad wants to see me. I was angry at first but then I think life is too short so now we are friends again. I also had another friend who wasn't very nice to me and she has bent over backwards but I'm keeping her at a distance.

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  • Mallory107
    Mallory107 Member Posts: 223
    edited March 2012

    I think that you should look at it like she is now realizing just how stupid it was-whatever went on between you two now.  How petty it was in the scheme of things and how much she values you as a person and a friend.  Cancer has a great way of re-prioritizing things and to me this was the only good part of the whole ordeal.  Also realize that the bigger thing for her to do was to get in touch...you will find many who are afraid to reach out to you.  At least that is what I found.  People who I never thought would desert me did and those who I never expected to be where there for me. 

    Part of the reason that I didn't tell many people is because it was too hurtful for me to realize that a lot of people knew and did not reach out.  Still-now that I myself have been telling people as it is for the most part over for me, not too many people have called to see how I am doing.  So I would definitely let bygones be bygones with this friend as you do not need any negative energy right now.

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited March 2012

    I  think every situation is different. It is normal to have conflict among friends and/or family. Sometimes conflict - conflict resolution that is - can actually strengthen a relationship depending on how individuals handle it. My mother had a life long friend and there was an issue that caused conflict and they stopped talking for about 6 years. When my mother was dx with bc, the friend reached out to her, they made up, and that friend was wonderful to my mother until the day she died. People make mistakes. Life is short. Forgiveness is good for everyone. Especially when we are talking about mistakes, errors in judgement etc. I'm not referring to somone who deliberately set out to cause harm.

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  • jen70
    jen70 Member Posts: 25
    edited March 2012

    Thanks everyone.  I sent her a message, thanking her for her concern.  I was kind of non-committal about getting together.  I'll just see how things go.  I think I just don't trust her after the way she behaved.  That being said, part of me does miss her, and I'm not going to burn any bridges right now.

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  • Snoopsmom
    Snoopsmom Member Posts: 119
    edited March 2012

    She may have wanted to get back in touch with you but didn't know how, and your diagnosis seemed to her like the perfect opportunity to reach out. It will be interesting to see her reaction to your message.

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  • LuvLulu07
    LuvLulu07 Member Posts: 778
    edited March 2012

    jen70   Good for you for reaching out and putting the ball in her court.  See how things go.  Let her start the work of repairing the relationship, if that's what she wants to do.  You have a lot on your plate right now.  Sending good wishes to you.  

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