Why is my mom in so much pain/weak?

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  • dogeyed
    dogeyed Member Posts: 884
    edited March 2012

    MACCUPICCU, I hope you haven't been sent away from here, it's obvious your mother is on the downturn in her cancer (spine cancer is very serious) and her inability to reason because of the pain and illness and pneumonia she is enduring, along with an abusive spouse.  You are doing your best to help your mom.  But I have an idea, tho, that may help you, and since you came here for it, I'm going to try.

    Her cancer doc is NO HELP, and apparently NO ONE ELSE besides you is helping her.  Some have asked if she has a social worker, but I think you replied she won't talk to those people and all that stuff.  SOOOOOOO, what I would do if I were you is I would call 9-1-1, tell them your mother is in a medical emergency and needs to be taken forthwith to the hospital ER.  When the medics get there, you tell them your mother hasn't eaten anything in weeks, she's got spine cancer that hurts and is not being taken care of, she's not really over her pneumonia yet, and whisper to the nearest fellow that her husband abuses her, and GET HER THE HECK OUT OF THAT HOUSE whether she likes it or not. 

    When you get to the ER, you tell them the exact same thing, if they come out to talk to you.  Your mother IS INDEED in a medical emergency, and I fear she may die if she doesn't get admitted to the hospital for I.V., pain meds, sleep meds, stomach-fed tube until she's willing to eat, probably needs a bath, and in general should be visited by several specialists, especially an oncologist who will see to her pain, and also an internist needs to take charge of her personal physical care like eating, a social worker should come when you're there so you can tell them exactly what's going on at home, and so forth. 

    And you need to tap into ANY relatives out there who will indeed let her live in their home when she is released, but HOPEFULLY the hospital will transfer her directly over to a nursing home for post-hospital care, until she finally comes to her senses.  So, just pick up the phone when she grinds on your last nerve, and hopefully when her husband is gone, and dial 9-1-1 and get her the heck out of that house.  Hopefully the hospital will do the correct job of seeing to it that she does not leave there without a proper place and proper ongoing treatment for followup care.  This is all outrageous, and if you want something done, this is it for you.  Just give it a shot.  Can't hurt.  And you might get a good night's sleep for the first time in months.  Bless you, child, but get her to the ER.  GG

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  • maccupiccu
    maccupiccu Member Posts: 67
    edited March 2012

    Sorry to derail back then. I just talked with my mom. She can't go up stairs and had to crawl. The doctor gave her some diretics for her swollen legs. But the question still stands, why is she so weak that she can't lift her legs, support herself? I'm not getting many answers from the oncologist.

    This just breaks my heart. She (as well as everyone here) is beyond brave. I don't think I could deal with what she has had for 6 years. 

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  • maccupiccu
    maccupiccu Member Posts: 67
    edited March 2012

    @Scuttlers, honestly, you have no idea of my situation. I was not looking for support for myself. It breaks my heart the situation my mom has to go through---end stage cancer  AND domestic violence. Many people do not understand it and shy away from the issue. I wish you well in your journey but my mom is in a complicated situation that is just wrong, sad, and criminal. But with domestic violence there are sensitivities. My intention is to see my mom life and end in peace. That is it. You have zero clue how it feels to watch her get abused, suffer through cancer, and nothing  can be done with either. This isn't for me. It's for a woman with cancer who has gone through a lot--including more than a lot of people. Please do NOT make this about me. I am sensitive to the board's topic and needs but turning this around and making it about me is wrong.

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  • Kaara
    Kaara Member Posts: 3,647
    edited March 2012

    maccupiccu:  Well stated!  It sounds like your mother is going slowly downhill, as many end stage cancer patients do when they don't get adequate nutrition.  It's very sad that the doctors don't recognize this and do something to help them, but frankly they just send them home to die.  This happened with my friend.  I would inquire again about hospice coming in.  They will see to it that your mother is not abused in any way by your father.   Your mother will find her peace soon...but it would be good if she could pass with dignity.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited March 2012

    Calling an ambulance is a n ice idea but her Mom can refuse transport and they can't force her.

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  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited March 2012

    My mother was not in an abusive situation but both she and my father are alcoholics.  They both refused any kind of care when my mother was dying of alcoholism.  They didn't know what was wrong with her and didn't want to take her to the doctor unless absolutely necessary, no doubt for fear she'd be told not to drink.  She was very ill for the last two years of her life and was in a steady decline - ended up in wheelchair and diapers, eating nothing at all, actually nothing - only drinking booze.   She was down to 68 pounds, my father refused to see that she was dying, she didn't want any kind of care even though they had paid for in-home medical care, she refused everything -  so my father did it all.  

    Nothing any of us said made a bit of difference.  We could see that she was dying, we could see that it was booze, but neither of them would look at it.

    It wasn't until she burst a vessel in her throat and started vomiting up blood that they called 911.  By then, of course, she had no liver function at all and was in the last days of her life.  Oh, and her liver function tests were all normal until the very end.  You can't rely on those tests for any kind of definitive answer, they are merely inaccurate clues as to what may be going on.

    Why do I tell you this? Because, although the circumstances are different, I understand your feeling of helplessness.  There was nothing I could do for her and there is nothing you can do for your mother.  Abuse or not, your mother is in that situation and has been for 50 years - it is what she knows, it is her life and it is what she is used to.   She is not going to change now.

    Cancer does not change an unhealthy family dynamic to a healthy one - it makes it worse. 

    You can call APS, or a social worker or other agency but your mother isn't likely to cooperate and you can't make her.  You can't blame any doctor as it sounds like your mother isn't really cooperating with her treatment either, or he is actually a bad one but if she won't change, then that's the situation.

    The only thing you can do is protect yourself from the situation as best you can.  Recognize what you can change and what you can't.  The only thing you can change is your reaction to this terrible situation.  If your mother is telling you she is crawling up the stairs, but you know that any medical treatment will be refused, than accept that.  Say, "I'm sorry you are feeling bad mom, what can I do for you?" And let her response be the answer.  

    Maybe reading about Adult Children of Alcoholics might help you as the process of distancing yourself from their sickness and letting it play out while protecting yourself is the one you need to follow no matter what the reason for parental sickness may be.

    You are only in the middle as much as you allow yourself to be.  You can learn to be supportive without being too involved and you must learn that your mother has accepted her role in her relationship - they have a sick relationship that will never be changed.

    You said yourself that you need to keep them at a distance and focus on your own life, so the answer is right there.  Do that - figure out how.  You can put mental and emotional distance by recognizing an unchangable situation when you see one.  Don't offer any more solutions, don't try to suggest things as they are all going to be rejected.  Let your mom and dad handle the medical stuff, even if from your perspective, they are not doing it right.

    Maybe your mother is in pain and weak because cancer has invaded her spine and may be pressing on a nerve or growing. She may have muscular problems.  Maybe cancer has spread to an organ. Maybe she's just giving up. Maybe she's telling you things that aren't accurate.  Maybe she doesn't eat.  Nobody knows why your mother is in pain and weak as we don't have access to her medical records.  We know you are suffering but nobody but a physican can tell you why your mother is weak.  

    And, even if you knew the answer - what could you do about it?

    I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know  you care about your mother.  But, the only way you will find peace is to be able to back off and let her take charge of her own life, even if by taking charge that means she does nothing.  

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  • leggo
    leggo Member Posts: 3,293
    edited March 2012

    Sweetie, please call palliative care (or hospice as I think it is known in the US). They are so very helpful. Usually, they have independant doctors, other than family dr.'s and oncs. Perhaps a new set of eyes can have a look at her situation and at the very least, keep her comfortable and perhaps even order new tests to see what's really going on. Frankly, her onc sounds like a jerk...it's their job to address a patient's pain and if tylenol isn't cutting it, it's time to try something else. A palliative doc can help with that. If necessary, they will also send a nurse/caregiver to help with her daily needs, including nutrition. I also think your dad will be less likely to be abusive if he knows someone else is coming to the house....they usually come when they can, no set time...so I doubt he'd risk being an asshole if he knows someone could come any minute. As for the therapy, I'm not big on that either. I really doubt that's what she needs right now. Her current weak condition could be caused by so many things, her mind not being one of them. Just to also let you know, I did  go through a period where I couldn't even stand or move my arms. It turns out it was all caused by an antibody that it took years to discover. It can even cause blindness and complete paralysis. Maybe this is something you can just mention to someone in charge of her care to make sure that's not the case. They may dismiss it, as it hardly ever happens with breast cancer (normally lung and colon), but I am proof that it can happen and there are treatments available for it. BTW, calling palliative care by no means "curtains"....it just means your mom needs help adjusting and investigating the current situation.

    ETA: Where I live, you don't need a doctor's referral for palliative care, just proof you need it. I sincerely hope that's the case where you are too. If nothing else, it will take some of the stress off of you and let someone else be in charge of her daily care for a while. 

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  • lrr4993
    lrr4993 Member Posts: 937
    edited March 2012

    I have no advice for you.  I am so very sorry you are in this situation.  I am also very sorry for how you have been treated by some on this board.  It is embarrassing.

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  • Kaara
    Kaara Member Posts: 3,647
    edited March 2012

    Irr4993:  Ditto on that!  I think we all need to keep reminding ourselves of the "Golden Rule".

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  • maccupiccu
    maccupiccu Member Posts: 67
    edited March 2012

    Thank you everyone. I appreciate it very much. Everyone is absolutely right that  need to distance myself if people don't want the help. I've offered to her SNF, hospice, pallitave care, calling the police, getting docs involved, social services, even moving to an apartment and getting a nurse in. It kills me to hear her cry and suffer, him in the background screaming at her that she's "faking it". Her and him blaming me for taking her to the ER for her pneumonia because "ever since then I can't walk. I never should have went." I know it's their anger and suffering that is making them be mean and irrational but it's also how they always were. Forty years of this one learns that it's commonplace and how to weed out internalizing it. But she's a human being and it hurts.

     Don't worry about the others being angry and pissy. It's ok. Everyone has to go through their own stuff and well, domestic violence rarely gets a positive response. So I get it. But you are right that this is a support board and that behavior isn't very supportive overall. But whatever.

    I just need to make peace with the way I feel. The only way her life in general--disease or not--is for her to pass is a horrible thing to wish on someone, but it's the only way out. Sad that a daughter has to wish that from her mother but I have no answers or coping mechanisms left.

    Again, thank you everyone. I do appreciate everyone listening, supporting, and caring/offering options.

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  • Kaara
    Kaara Member Posts: 3,647
    edited March 2012

    What you are wishing for her is a peaceful parting from all the pain and suffering that she is enduring right now on this earth.  There is a better place for her and when she is ready she will go there with your blessings.

    Sending you prayers and positive energy to cope with this challenge. 

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  • maccupiccu
    maccupiccu Member Posts: 67
    edited March 2012

    Thank you Kaara. All of this definately has made an impact on how I want to live life for the next 40 years.


    I wish all of you ladies health, peace, and happiness in your journey.

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