So how did your husband or SO react?
Comments
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I'm going to make sure I'm comfortable with the surgeon first and then was going to bring hubby to another appt. Thanks for the tip on sugar, and you are right, we Americans do get too much on a whole. I am mostly sugar free except if I treat myself occasionally it's for a really good dessert. I'll check out that info you recommended.
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He collapsed and cried like a baby when i was diagnosed. He is 100% emotionally with me which is huge. Time will tell how he does with extra chores as thats his weakness. At first he kept arguing with my logic every time I researched something new about bc that was scary or negative. He wanted to change my thinking to protect me. I confronted him and he is trying harder to be a listener instead of a fixer. I have supported him continuing to do things he loves like sporting events so he gets a cancer and a Stacie break LOL.
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My husband has reacted with a quiet strength and slightly warped sense of humor. His goal during the initial diagnosis period was to keep me laughing to get thru. He is not a touchy feely guy but has been to every appointment and has been extremely helpful whenever needed. (course he reminds me that I suck at asking....lol) During our initial visit with the PS, he mentioned how alot of men tend to bail out at diagnosis and God bless, my hubby looked horrified. My heart goes out to those women who are alone or abandoned at such a difficult time.
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So after 5 days, my hubby is grieving the impending loss of my breasts, but doing a lot better overall. We spent Friday together, have had lots of snuggle time, and we've come a ways. I've talked to him and my oldest son (who's had some EMT training) about helping me with the drains. I also told my son to please not let his dad wait alone at the hospital.
We'll have good and bad days with this, both of us. I'm hoping mostly good - or better than bad!
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I think I am pretty lucky.
On July 27, not only did I have my diagnosis confirmed, but I lost a good-paying job that I had held for 17 years and provided our family with insurance. (It was, by any definition, a really shitty day.)
My wife, who had given up her own teaching position at a community college to come back to Wyoming while I went to law school, could have easily blamed me for the situation and our circumstances. Instead, she stood by me and was there throughout my surgeries (a lumpectomy and then a double mastectomy) and chemo. She showed patience and compassion even when I was a complete mess during the worst parts of chemo and when Taxol caused some potentially fatal side-effects. She was selfless and never complained about the obvious stresses involved in having a husband with cancer. Indeed, she maintained her sense of humor, which really helped me through some tough times.Poor Diana even had to "celebrate" our 25th wedding anniversary between my first and second surgeries. Instead of a romantic dinner, she had to deal with an exhausted husband who spent the day on the couch, anticipating the double mastectomy that was scheduled for two days later. I tried to publicly express my gratitude with a on-line "thank you" card for my wife on Valentine's Day this year:
http://liveupdateguy.com/2012/02/a-valentines-day-thank-you/
The whole experience has actually brought us closer together than I could have imagined. Indeed, I was so spoiled by the experience that I just assumed that spouses and SOs all rose to the ocassion and were supportive ... until I spoke with another attorney in town, who was handling a divorce that was triggered by his client's cancer. His wife of ten years filed for divorce just a week after his diagnosis, declaring that she "just can't handle the stress of this." My guess is that a cancer diagnosis often acts as an amplifier of sorts. It makes good relationships better and, as in the case of the poor guy whose wife dumped him, hastens the decline of an already tenuous relationship.
Like I said, I am a lucky man. Thank you, Diana.
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Charles we are lucky but I have to be honest I was not the least bit surprised at the support my husband gave me. What you said is true… If there is a problem in the relationship, a crisis like cancer will/can amplify the issue.
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He was very supportive, and actually treated me like a "normal person", I a very positive person and hate when people walk on eggshells around me, so he was just as supportive and kind as he always is.
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Hello everyone and Happy 4th. I was not married like most of you in the thread but I was in a relationship for about a year. The following is from my blog and also an update from when I posted the original blog in one of my under 40 Breast Cancer Groups. In addition I will add an update as of today.
Topic Title: Dealing with Being Single After Diagnosis.
The post below was my response to it from March 2012:
Well for me I am maintaining now...BUT when we first broke up it was the hardest breakup I have ever gone through. I had been in a relationship for about a year. We clicked from day one! And it just seemed to blossom so naturally. I really thought he was The One. On November 2nd I was diagnosed with stage 2 Breast Cancer. He was by my side for 5 days after I found out. And even went to my first chemo session with me. BUT 3 and a half weeks after my diagnosis, on a saturday night, in the height of my worse side effects, he broke up with me. I was so sick, my brain wasn't computing it all. To this day I still can't recall everything that was said. All I know is that by the next night I was in critical condition in the hospital. My immune system was almost at zero and he wasn't there.
For that first month I cried daily. Not only was I dealing with feelings of abandonment, loss, a broken heart, confusion, no closure...We weren't talking. He had cut me off completely. But I was also dealing with all of the emotions that go along with being diagnosed with a deadly disease and deadly treatments. Wondering how I would provide for my daughter, how I was going to get through this when most days I could barely get out of bed. And the loneliness, with out my partner by my side to comfort me like I was sure he would be. So I cried and I got mad and I cried some more.
Into month 2 after the breakup, I really started to evaluate our relationship. My mind was more clear and I could step back and look at it from the outside. I could see where things were starting to come unravelled BEFORE my diagnosis. I could see the things I did to contribute to the break up. And I started to have a little peace. But still no closure. So 2 and a half months after our breakup, we finally spoke again. We got together and talked about everything. The first thing he did was apologize for the timing. Then we spoke on where we both went wrong. I forgave him for the timing and apologized for my part in everything. I finally had my closure.
Actually I thanked him for walking away and not looking back. I explained to him that I needed that time to REALLY look at what we had and not be blinded by what I WANTED. It let me see where I turned a blind eye or ignored the signs. I also explained that it has made me stronger. I now KNOW for sure that I can get through anything, alone or with someone. And I know now, more than ever, what I WANT and what I won't settle for in a relationship.
I started dating shortly after that, as I feel better then after the first few chemo sessions. I date men who know and are comfortable with my diagnosis and all it entails and that is great!! I have decided to live my life as normal as possible and I am. I still get lonely for that LOVE but I have great friends and family for comfort and support.Update (5/28/12)
Today I still miss him and we are still friends BUT I know there is never going to be an US again. No matter how he tries to talk about possibly getting back together. I will always love him. He had a great impact on my life and there are a few things I have him to thank for. However, I see now that, while I have changed and grown from this experience, he hasn't and never will because he doesn't see anything wrong with his ways. That is another story not for now. But I know what I deserve and what I have to offer. The right man will come along someday, until then, I will enjoy my single life!
Update (7/4/12)
About a week after the update above, I severed ALL communication. Deleted all contact info for him out of all electronic devises and DO NOT have them memorized. For me my heart loves him but my mind and my self respect will never allow myself to be with him. So it was a toxic situation for me. And, I seemed to be his go to for when he needed support and an ear or a shoulder. That's fine but he didn't want to hear about MY daily things. Good, bad, or imdifferent. I came to realize he is superficial and selfish and acts VERY entitled, one of my BIGGEST pet peeves.
I think this break-up was my hardest because he was the first man I let fully into my heart in a long time AND the high emotions and emotional roller coaster I have been through since November on top of a broken heart.
Sorry for the book. I am a writer.
Have a blessed week ya all!
Healing Hugs,
Denielle
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Aw, Denielle, big hugs to you!!!
Sometimes life's lessons are very hard and come at the worst times...but you sound like you have found peace and closure after your experience....as well as forgiveness, which is the hardest part.
I married for the first time when I was 55. I had several long-term relationships, but I always knew that there was something missing. I'd known my DH since we were in Kindergarten, but we didn't start dating til our 30 year high school reunion. Even then, we waited for six years to get married.
When I got the phone call telling me I had BC, he was right there by my side. He let me cry, and held my hand. I asked how important my boobs were to him, and he said "They're nice, but I want YOU."
He was there for every appointment, every procedure, and every minute during the surgery. I finally made him go home that night.
After I came home, he was my nurse, my pain guy, my drain guy, my valet, my hairdresser, and my chef. If I had any embarassment about what I was going through, he made it o.k. He always told me "We're a team."
Lest it sound like I married a saint, I will tell you that we've done a lot of work to make this marriage emotionally healthy. He no longer keeps things inside, nor does he think he has to "fix" me.
He was dx'd with kidney disease 9 months before my BC dx, and I took care of him. Then it was his turn to take care of me. Then he got sick again, and next, I'll have my exchange surgery. At least God is letting us take turns helping each other!
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My "fiance" doesn't care about me at all. I am 3 YEARS past a f*&#ing rotten mastectomy, still with one Nw pointing "tissue expander" that constantly pains me, and one tit which points SE. I am dealing with losing my insurance next month before my recon is done, or even started, really, and needing several RX's to keep me alive. I homeschool my 5 year old, cook, clean, never get any break, my mom was just diagnosed with Parkinson's, dad has heart trouble and has completely lost his hearing. have had to scam insurance to be covered, "fiance" covers his own insurance and bills, but not mine. Just f$#@!@#$%^&*ing sick of everything and everyone. ":fiance" just went to family's pool party, leaving me alone for my ONE holiday which does not require me to cook and clean for 12, (no time off allowed for chemo, yes, we're ALL coming to dinner), or radiation, (hosted thanksgiving smack in the middle and xmas at the end, all without care from any family as to how f*&^T%R$ing tired I was). "Fiance" doesn't care if I ever get another tit, or not, or rot, or whatever. He calls me dummy, fatty, "chude", (half chick, half dude) and chachi, after the happy days guy because my hair is bushy, black, and i don't deserve money for a haircut, or to get nails done, or to finish surgery, or for anything, as I haven't "worked" since I had my daughter. My doctors comment on his complete absence, and i make excuses for him, and am completely embarrassed that I still am living in this man's home who has no respect or care for me.
So please, if your sweetie has done better than this, give him a kiss and a break, because some men do NOTHING except antagonize and destroy.
I understand this is a whole "nother" thread, but you asked...
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Vamom....((((hugs)))) I wish your situation could be better....
Charles....what a wonderful relationship and thank you for sharing that.
My DH....proved me wrong. We have always been independent. When I was diagnosed, I took control. When I started chemo...I lost all control. He stepped up to a plate and I didn't even have to ask. I became so sick that he would come home from work...3 times a day....to make sure I had food and water. He gave me shots in my belly. He kept up with housework, kids, calls...all of it.
I took myself to almost all of my appts after AC chemo by choice....I could "see" what this was doing to him.
I believe I would have died if my DH wasn't who he is....and I never knew he had it in him. I love him....more now than pre diagnosis....as we now know each other in a much different way. -
Husband was there 100%, then he was dx'd with Lymphoma 3 months after my BMX. Our life to the his last day of his life was turbulent, only b/c of all that happened. Not b/c we weren't supportive of each other. But we did what we could for each other. MH couselor said I have finally entered the anger phase of grief this past week. DH death anniversary is in AUGust--2-years. Well, those that are supportive==bless them now and forever. For those that walk away cluck'em---take the word and change it to f-------, Life is short enough without having analpores around us. don't want to leave here with a negative thought.......
Love for those that give and receive, and that bind each to the other under all circumstances.
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I had just been dating my BF for about three months when I was diagnosed. We were kind of casual and he had insisted there was no potential for a long term relationship. I really liked him so I accepted that.
Then I was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer and I was absolutely certain he'd leave. And I had accepted that. But he sat on my couch as we talked about the diagnosis and I told him that I knew this was not something he had signed up for and that my life could no longer be casual. So I understood if he couldn't be with me anymore.
That was March. We're still together and stronger than ever. He is my hero and my white knight. He is unflappable and keeps me so very calm no matter what. I know this is hard on him as well because there are times when he just suddenly wraps his arms around me and holds me and says very quietly, "You'll be all right. You'll get through this and be all right." He's been to appointments with me and has rescued me over and over again.
I was thinking about my ex-husband through all of this. I had been in a deeply emotionally abusive marriage for almost 16 years and left that seven years ago. I cannot imagine going though this with the cold, mean, hard-hearted man that is my ex. Instead, the universe has provided me with this beautiful man who makes me feel safe and sexy and beautiful and adored, despite the scars and the treatment and all the scary stuff. I only wish everyone could have someone like this in their life. -
"Fiance" doesn't care if I ever get another tit, or not, or rot, or whatever. He calls me dummy, fatty, "chude", (half chick, half dude) and chachi, after the happy days guy because my hair is bushy, black, and i don't deserve money for a haircut, or to get nails done, or to finish surgery, or for anything, as I haven't "worked" since I had my daughter. "
1vamomMight you not be better off to bounce his ars out and possibly qualify for aid? In many states if you have BC and make UNDER 27K a yr . They will pay med . bills ( google)
My husband has not been all I expected , but the abuse you are taking must be breaking your heart, and what can it possibly be doing to your health ?
I cannot tell you how badly I feel for you or how angry I feel about him.Why should you tolerate being insulted and demeaned in this way? How much can a person take ?
This abuse is terrible! Perhaps you can get counseling. Go to a free cancer support group.
Please dont take it anymore. I know it isnt easy, but you are worth SOOO much more than this . Even if alone, you wont be having someone call you a chude. How disgusting !
((((HUGS))))) -
fuzzylemon
You describe what I did for my husband when he had cancer in 2009. We were so very close. The cancer was a gift! ( Easy to say, since it wasnt me , but really!)
Naturally, when I was dx , I thought this would be the same. He was good at first and thru my LX in May, but now it's back to normal F Troop. I *think* its because I didnt have rads or chemo. I actually believe that if I was laying on the couch suffering or weak as he was , he would step up.As it is, he basically makes me feel like a whiner , when I want to talk about this " all the time" ( aaaargh!)
My battle is more emotional and his was more physical.Maybe it's easier to see the pain when you can <literally> SEE THE PAIN. My 'pain' cannot be seen. I am saddened that my husband has been so insensitive.
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I am so shocked with some of the stories I read here. At the same time I am so moved with the luck of some of the sisters here. I am new here and this is my first post.
I was diagnosed in March this year. My husbad was there with me on the second biopsy and the results of the first one arrived. When the doctor said I had cancer I felt the floor desappering under my feet knowing the journey I had ahead. He hugged me and said that I would be alright. He said no matter wat he will be all the way with me until the end, what ever the end was. One month later he left for work and never came back. Not a word nothing. Never answer the phone or said anything. A month later I found him online on Facebook and it was then when he said that he left me because I couldn't fulfill his sexual fantasies. He wanted a porn star but that wasn't me. It has been more difficult for me to process the abandonement than the whole situation, surgery and what ever is there waiting for me. I am from Europe and was in the midlle of an immigration process. Now my lawyer is filing for an I360 for abandonement and abuse, so I can get medicaid.
I am feeling strong about my mastectomy. In fact I have posted photos of my scar advising friends to do the mammogram and not to procrastinate like I did.
I am not considering reconstruction. I created a monobra like a pirate with an eye patch. this is just the early stage of my long process so my views might change in the future.
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My "DH" was quite supportive when I was first DX, came to appointments, was there when I woke up from surgery. During chemo it seemed to wane along with our dwindling bank account. Since I didn't suffer a ton of SE's although I had the fatigue for sure and the hair loss, he couldn't understand why I couldn't resume my business at the same rate. He was quite bothered by the fact that I might need RADS as would have derailed by recovery and therefore me getting back to business. I didn't end up getting RADS mind you, wow was he releived. There's alot more but you get the drift. He's embarassed that we're so short all the time for the fun things. I think he should be embarrassed he can't support me properly like I have done for us both for the last 15 years.
So now I'm thinking dealing with him particularly on the money issues is something I don't want to repeat in the future. So with that being said I'm actively seeking a new opportunity and am on the short list (fingers crossed)! The minute I get the word, the house goes up for sale and I am movin on all by my lonesome. I never want to be beholden ever again financially EVER! I can just see it now if I ever had a re-occurance that the eyes would be rolling. It makes me want to cry when I read about how some of the other DH's would endure just about anything if they're loved one was given the all clear after TX.
I'm totally dreading him coming in after work today because we've already had words about him wanting to go away for the weekend. I already have plans for the weekend and money is tight so this should be fun.
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Ugh. Sore subject for me right now! I am fortunate in that I never had breast cancer and didn't have to face that scary diagnosis. However, with my BRCA2 pos status and with a strong family history of breast and ovarian cancer, I had a pbmx w/TEs and an oopherectomy on the same day 3 months ago.
Physically, I'm doing GREAT. And my husband, he is caring, willing to do what I ask, etc. BUT, as many alluded to previously, he just doesn't "get it," and no he can't read my mind, but he should be a little better at listening. And he certainly was NOT prepared for what happens when a woman my age faces surgical menopause (yes, I'm mildly psychotic at times!), but I'm back on some hormones and it IS getting better. But if I hear him suggest that I "really need to go get on some more hormones" or that I'm "drastically different than I was 3 months ago" (no sh*t, I'm different than I was 3 months ago!), I might lose my mind (again!).
BUT, I am going today to speak to a therapist at my cancer hospital that works specifically with BRCA patients. He is willing to talk to someone too; I will ask my therapist what she recommends.
So, I feel very fortunate that my DH is certainly "decent" in this situation, and is willing to find ways to make things better. My heart breaks when I read stories of how many of you have disappointing or downright horrible stories. If I'm crying as much as I am with a decent guy by my side, I can't imagine what it would feel like with a total jerk. Good luck to all you...
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Hello. I started this post and it is clear that it is a topic needing discussion. I'm sorry there is so much pain around relationships and the stress of breast cancer. My situation turned out to be a bit more complicated and I ended up with a mastectectomy. My husband, after his initial reaction, unfroze and started seeing a counselor to deal with what had been a disabling fearful reaction. He unfroze and has been with me, supporting and sitting in doctors appointments, hospital waiting rooms, etc, since. Not all relationships are salvageable, but many are. A diagnosis of cancer can have a tremendous impact on a relationship and some of us are better able to step up to that challenge. Others of us need a bit of help. I told him I couldn't take care of him and deal with the cancer, so he got some help. I feel for so many of you going through this with little support. It's hard enough.
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I agree with SpecialK and Lago - men are fixers and don't have the same emotional coping tools we do. I count myself as one of the luckiest ones. I dated my DH in 1983 when we were in high school. We went our separate ways, got married to other people, had children and got divorced. He spent 25 years addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was not there to see that. He is now 8 years sober and very involved with AA. We reconnected on Facebook in 2010 after 27 years! We got married May 14, 2011 and 5 months later I was diagnosed with BC, stage IV from the get-go. I really believe that his addiction and experience in AA taught him how to handle his emotions. He has been an absolute rock for me. He is a cement mason and was laid off during the winter so he was able to go to every doctor appoointment, surgery, chemo treatment. I thank God every day that he brought us together. I wish everyone else had the same support.
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He is supportive, I am grateful.
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My DH was devastated by my diagnosis. I went for my regular mammo alone, he never went with me. I had to get US and then dr made me an appt with the surgeon 2 days later. My DH and I went to the appt and was really expecting the lumps to be B9 since it was an 80% change it was. I had an excisional biopsy about 10 days later. I had asked the surgeon to call with results so we wouldn't have to wait for an appt. I got the call 2 days later. I was in our home office and hubby was outside in his shop. I wrote down everything and called him to come in. When I told him it was bc, he just broke down in tears and I told him we'd talk later so I could call my other family members, knowing he wanted to call his friends himself.
After I had called my other family members and a few close friends, I looked outside and he was sitting in his shop crying as hard as he could cry while talking to his best friend. I wanted to attend a breast cancer support group meeting which was 4 days away just to see what it was like and my DH wanted to attend as well. Little did either of us know what a great support group they are. We've been so blessed to have them in our lives and we do various things throughout the year, ie funraisers, parties, etc.
He also went with me to my first MO appt and first RO appt as well as he went back with me to understand more about my radiation treatments. The techs were so happy to be able to explain to him what was happening and why. He still attends all my appts if he is not working out of town. He'll definately be there for my first mammo since diagnosis on September 12. We're both praying for an "all clear".
He's a "fixer" too but also felt so helpless. We have a fundraiser where I live to recognize October as breast cancer support month and he even runs in the "high heel dash". It is too funny to see grown men running in high heels! This year there will be even more men in it.
I am so blessed to have such a wonderful DH and family and friends supporting me as well.
LaDonna
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