Getting through the emotions...

I've cried a thousand tears. your plans are uncertain right now. I finally got on antidepressant in jan? and it has helped a lot.. sure I still cry, but its gotten better. listening to music and forcing myself in the winter to go for walks has helped. I've still got my xanx but I don't need it as much.

I used to be a farm girl those baby calves are so cute

Energy is usually down for several weeks. Your body has just had a major shock. I had a single full mastectomy November 1st and it took about 8 weeks to get my full energy back.  And yes, antidepressants are very common afterward to keep from waking up crying everyday.  Most people cannot come to terms with the situation in one shot. You come to terms a little bit at a time. I was spring cleaning this past weekend so I got out some of my spring clothes. I had a melt down realizing that I cannot wear most of my old tops. But on the plus side of things, fashions this spring include a lot of peasant and other gathered types of tops that promise to make shopping successful.

Quilted- It's a lot to deal with we know.  Like RockiesGal said, a lot of us are too busy with treatments to process everything that has changed for us.  We expect to struggle with emotions in the beginning but it usually hits us when we're all done or close to it.  The dust settles and we think, "What the hell just happened?"  One minute you're cruising through life, not feeling sick, and the next you're looking at incisons waiting for pathology reports.  It's a lot to process and anyone would feel the way you do.  It gets better and it helps to talk about it.  I get the thought that one more committment, like a counseling session, is one too many.  I think if you find a thread you connect with it can be just as effective as any talk therapy.  (And you can show up in your p.j.'s!)  It just helps knowing others get it- they've been there, they understand.  There's a thread I post on where we share more about the emotional stuff and trying to move past cancer but we just chat and connect, too.  We welcome you to come over and post with us.  The title of the thread is called "Great saying about depression".  I'll post a link for you-

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/759882?page=103#idx_3078 

As far as the cosmetic results I wanted to make sure you knew about something called fat grafting.  It's kind of new so it may be hard to find someone in your area who does it but it's really effective for filling in lumpectomy defects.  The surgeon removes excess fat through liposuction and uses it to fill in the crevices.  Let me know if you want more information about it.  Just realize if you're truly unhappy with the aftereffects of lumpectomy there are options out there.  It gets better- I promise!

Wishing you the best of luck with your path report.  (((hugs))) 

quilted- I would never, NEVER EVER, say something good has come from BC but let's just say the experience has "tweaked" me a little.  I think a lot of us used to "beat ourselves up for not getting things done".  I've actually learned now to let things go a little, to not feel such a need for perfection and to realize that sometimes I need support, too.  I know coming here was, and is, my therapy and I'm so grateful for this site.  I never felt alone and I felt like so many women had my back as I was dealing with different issues throughout this whole process.  And they have yours, too!  Someone once said this is the club no one wants to join, the hazing is a bitch but the sisterhood is for life.

Hi, quilted - I can really relate to what you are feeling. I had a partial mastectomy in 2009 and the surgeon took way more tissue than he led me to believe he would take. I couldn't see the difference for the first few weeks because of swelling, I guess. By the time I finished radiation, that breast was a full cup size smaller, although the shape was okay. I was really depressed and felt anger toward the surgeon for taking so much tissue (he did get clean margins) and toward the radiation oncologist for telling me that radiation won't shrink your breast or cause fat necrosis or fibrosis (all of which turned out to be lies). And just anger in general that this had happened in the first place. I had to put on my happy face and go out and pretend I was just fine, yet at home I would cry at the drop of a hat. I've heard that depression is really anger turned inward. My husband begged me to get some help, so after six months of hell, I asked my primary care doctor for an anti-depressant. I felt that seeing a psychologist for talk therapy would not help as much as seeing a plastic surgeon and making a plan to correct the asymmetry. The anti-depressant did help me to stop ruminating so much and to enjoy life again. I ended up having the other breast reduced a year after radiation. Then two years after, I had some scar tissue broken up and fat grafted in where I had developed some radiation damage. I am much closer to being even now, but may have one more round of fat grafting to really fix things.

Sorry for such a long post, but I just want you to know that most of us here have experienced all of the emotions you are dealing with. I know that when the cosmetic result is not what you hoped for, you feel guilty for being vain. I know I beat myself up because I thought, "I'm supposed to be grateful - that this was just DCIS, that the surgeon got clean margins, etc." But it is hard to accept the reality of what it has done to your mind and body.

Sending hugs and wishes for clean margins your way. Please keep us informed on how you're doing.

Quilted- I hope it turns out your margins are fine but, if it's not meant to be, all the women here will be here for you through that, too.  I had a similar experience with unclear margins and opted for BMX rather than a re-excision.  If you're faced with the same I'm happy to help you in any way that I can.  I wanted to add that many women with DCIS are excellent candidates for nipple sparing (NS), provided your cancer isn't close to the nipple, and it can be a lot less disfiguring.  That is what I had and can answer most questions you may have.  A word of warning, though, not all BS's are trained in this procedure so if it comes to it make sure your is or have a consult with one who is very experienced.  I also post on a NS thread I'd be happy to direct you to.  I know I'm getting ahead of myself but wanted you to have this knowledge when you meet with the BS.  Am hoping you don't need it, though.  (((hugs)))

Hi. I'd like to add a couple things. I had a partial mastectomy Sept 2011 with two positive margins. A re-excision in Oct left a "close" margin. I got a 2nd opinion on pathology from Dr. Lagios in Nor. CA and multiple opinions from different surgeons. Dr. Silverstein in CA does lumpectomies with reconstruction to help women avoid mastectomies if that is what they want. One thing that helped me immensely was putting castor oil packs on my breast every night for a month. google how to do it. I had about 5cm removed from a "B" size breast and it was terribly deformed for about a month and then it just started to grow back. You can not even tell now. It's been 5 months. I am one of the few who is taking an active surveillance approach since mine was low grade DCIS and I could not imagine having radiation or mastectomy. I had a RODEO MRI end of January and it was clear. I visited Dr. Laura Esserman at UCSF and she is a believer in active surveillance combined with tamoxifen for some with low grade. The waiting for results is the hardest part. It is not right you should have to wait so long. That is torture. Another important thing I recommend is daily exercise. It is the best natural anti-depressant on the planet. Eat lots of veggies and try juicing. Watch "Food Matters." Wishing you much peace on your journey.

Quilted- That's smart to write down all your questions as you think of them and you've got some good ones.  One thing I want to make you aware of even with mastectomy there is a chance you would still need to do radiation.  It would depend on what your pathology report says afterwards.  Just don't want you to base mx vs lump on avoiding rads.  Chances are extremely high you wouldn't but the possibility is there.  There is a great thread by Beesie on here called "No Radiation after a Mastectomy"...and other misconceptions.  

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/68/topic/748622?page=1 

gumshoe- So glad it helped.  Beesie is wonderful in helping us understand all things DCIS!