encouraging story of -ESHA

You want to hear from somone who has been down the road...alrighty then...I feel I can say that know exactly what you are feeling.  Take heart darlin...having had the same exact thoughts you are having now, I am writing to let you know that I am now out 22 years - stage 3 1987.  36 then, 58 today.   Doctors told me then, to begin getting my affairs in order..that if I made it 5 years, I would be lucky. Today, I dont even remember my diagnosis...idic..invasive ductal something or other . 

  I am 22 yrs out. stage 3 tumor as large as an orange,  20+ positive nodes, so ALL nodes were removed. Brutal 1 yr Chemo regimen, admitted to study at NIH in Bethesda MD for new protocol, radiation.  I chose not to have reconstruction.  I'm toying with the idea of doing it now.

My baby, now 22 was only 2 weeks old when i was diagnosed.  Joined support groups back then only to hear weekly that this one or that one died. And yes, some I did make friends with died.  I used to pray, that if God would allow me to see his first baseball game I would be greatful.  And yes, every ache and pain can play out one new horror movie afer another in the theatre of your mind.  I remember, once insisting that an xray be taken of my foot... so scared and sure was I that it had spread and that I now had breast cancer in my foot.  Well, as it turned out..my fears were preposterous as all scan had previously confirmed week earlier that i had no mets.  

I am here, on this Forum today, as I am considering reconstruction.  Imagine, after 22 years, I can still, not make up my mind?    My story, experienes, brawls with doctors (yes, there were a few who apparently thought they knew more than God, I told to go find a bridge to jump from)   learnings of alternative choices, etc has been as long as my journey since that first day of diagnosis 22 years ago. That is exactly what life is about.  I spent the first 5 years learning, reconciling, how to come to terms with death..gracefully, and as a result, began learning day by day how to learn to REALLY live. Next thing i knew, there  I was watching my sons first baseball game.

So, I would say to you, choose to Live. Find music to cheer you and bring peace to your Soul.  Dream of the future. Go out and look at the moon, smell the sweetness of the air.  Sit in the sun for a bit each day.  Think of life..and so you will become life.  And if it has been your custom and past pleasure to enjoy the holidays...continue to do so, is my best advice to you.  You will get through this and before you know it...the monsters you fear now will become a fading memory. Write your own Gospel, plant your own garden?.  

  A great book that helped me back then was Love, Medicine and Miracles. You library will probably have it..Dr. Bernie Segal.  And no, it was my choice way back then not to take tomaxafin.