How does your family handle this?

Hi Sandi,

So sorry you're dealing with this with your daughter. You may find it helpful to read the Talking to Family and Friends About Breast Cancer section on the main Breastcancer.org site. Specifically, the Talking to Older Children and Teens page.

We're sure your fellow sisters will be by soon to give you some of their always valuable advice! Hang in there!

--The Mods

I have a different take on it - I think kids that age really have a hard time relating to when a parent is ill.  She may not be insensitive on purpose, she just might not realize the seriousness.  With the pink parade each October, she probably thinks breast cancer is no big deal and everybody is cured, and doesn't understand how difficult it actually can be.  At 18, she is naturally going to be very peer-centered and she thinks nothing can harm her.

I would sit down with her and discuss your treatment, if you have not already.  And, be really specific: I need you to be home at such and such time, etc. I am going to need your help to do this, and that.  I want you to go to with me to surgery, etc.

Are you married?  Do you need your daughter to help you physically?  Tell her that.  

I have two kids, one 15 and one 25, both boys, my oldest is moved out.   So, I only know teenage girls from myself as a teen and from my job working at a high school.  They can be very caring but not usually towards their mothers during these years.  It's when they turn about 22 that they start to change.  Everybody is different of course, but it sounds like your daughter might not be truly facing or understanding what is going to happen to you.  Maybe a wake-up call is in order. 

Sandi,

You said you are newly diagnosed.  So this is new to your daughter too.  She is young and will take time to adjust.  People cope in different ways.  I know the old process of grief involves denial, bargaining with God, anger, acceptance and other stages that people go through.  Sometimes time will help the most.  My twin freaked and disappeared she said she was going through a tough time and had her own surgery coming up ( it turns out it was cosmetic) my daughter who is a nurse tried to take total control and drove me crazy.  My brother was the only one who was calm and practical.  He drove up with his 6'2" self and helped me move into a cheaper place.  Didn't talk much, but was there.  I think that people can only be who they are at that moment.  I know that doesn't make it easier, but things will evolve.  Is there a support group at your hospital?  Or one for family?  Can you refer her to the section on this site about friends and family of people diagnosed with breast cancer?  Or maybe leave it open?  You have enough going on and I think that your daughter will come around in time as she seems to have a lot of personal strengths.  I am wishing you the best. 

My daughter is 21 and lives about 15 minutes away.We've always been close: we text a LOT and see each other whenever possible.

She didn't come to any of my surgeries either but that was probably more my doing: my instincts are to downplay things so she doesn't worry. I still felt a bit hurt when she didn't come to see me right away after my surgeries, even though I didn't ask her to come. I guess my adult mind thinks, "Well, she should want to come," but that's not the way she thinks.

I know she's worried and scared, and I also know her way of dealing with it is to stay away and give me space. I still get the "how are you feeling?" texts but I think she feels helpless and somehow can't deal with what she looks at as a sort of role-reversal.

I don't know if my situation helps you at all but I'm learning to ask for what I need from people (including my daughter) because most of them don't know how to offer it. Or they're afraid of bringing it up, or saying the wrong thing. 

Good luck to you and to your daughter -- and please keep us posted!

Sandi while I don't have kids so I can't relate on that end my mom was diagnosed and passed from lung cancer when I was 17. It was such a huge thing to wrap my head around the diagnosis, what it meant and plus my no one would tell us how bad it really was. I went from having a normal teenage life to being resonsible for all the household chores, taking my mom to the doctor, making sure she took her meds and just generally taking care of her while also helping with my younger sister. I resented that while this was hard for her, my dad and my grandparents that me and my sister were never given the time to accept what was happening and mourn the same as it seemed they were. Looking back and knowing what I know now I can't say if anyone was in the wrong because there's no way to prepare for this kind of thing.

I think the things I wanted most at that time was time to grieve the passing of life as I had known it, honest answers to questions and a reassurance that while things were going to change that we would still be cared for. I pray for peace and understaning in your family.

Hi Sandi!  My kids actually have been OK, although they haven't hung around and I know there are times they'd rather not hear about it.  But I remember all too well when I was a teenager, and my dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  He and I were two of a kind - quiet and reserved - and I never did figure out really how to deal with it, so I withdrew.  My mom was a trooper, held everything together and managed even though Dad had to take a disability retirement after which his world shrank almost to nothing and he became severely depressed.  So I don't blame her for not getting me into therapy, although in retrospect, we both thought that might have been a good idea.  Whatever, we coped the best we could at the time.  I think you are doing fine with your family.  I am dreading actually having to write down everything that I do for the boys, because believe it or not, they don't get that trash just should get thrown out when the can is full, not when I mention it, etc., etc.  But I guess that's what has to be done with guys! 

Big hugs to you too!