Teen Daughter thinks I am lazy

Is it possible that your daughter may have a borderline or type II axis issue?  This sounds like my daughter who has this diagnoises.

You don't mention her dad - where is he?  Can he deal with her or take her?

My standard response to my daughter when she pulls this crap is

"I have BC.  This is a side effect.  Do you want me to tell (insert boyfriends, BFF, etc) about your behavior towards me?"

and

"there is the door, don't let it hit you in the a$$ when you leave, if this is how you treat me, you will not be here longer"

And follow through.  This is not normal behavior for teens, most who I know bend over backwards to help someone.

I wouldn't let the "wants" of a 16 year old phase me too much.  She is going to push until you draw the line.  If she has two hands, she can cook for herself.  A car?  That's something she can earn by showing some responsibility and maturity. 

My house was like a war zone as I went thru' the teen years with two boy hellions.  All I can say is don't get into a war of words (it's pointless) but do stand your ground.  As the hormones settle and they get college and/or work experiences, they usually turn into nice people again.

Just my 2 cents. That does sound pretty awful but maybe she is asking for more of your attention? U mentioned that you work 60 hours a week which is 20 mo re the 'regular'hours and when you get home you are probably pooped. Maybe she feels neglected - not materially but with your time and attention.



I hear you with the achy pains - it is hell. I've been using a cane this past week...somedays i can't believe im just 32.

This sounds like the typical self absorbed behavior of a spoiled 16 year old teenager.  She doesn't have a clue what you are going through and doesn't want to know.  In a few years she will be so ashamed that she acted that way, but now it's all about her.  I can see my DGD behaving the same way!

Let her know that her behavior is intolerable and you won't allow it to continue.  When she starts, I would take a time out..go to my room...and not come out until she has calmed down.  When she can no longer get a rise from you she will get bored with her behavior and give it up. 

lola12

I agree with all of ladies.  My daughter went through that phase.  You could try this though.  Tell your daughter that she gets to be "Mom" for a month.  Challenge her to do everything you do but SHE has to do better.  Give her a budget,  a list of chores that you do everyday, etc....  The only difference would be that she doesn't have cancer.  See how long it takes for her to fill your shoes.  They usually don't last long.

Blessings to you and I hope you find peace.

16... that pretty much says it all :-)



I'm with all the other women giving good advice above:



- talk to the hand

- you want more worldly goods over and above the food, shelter, love? Go get a part-time job.

- you don't like my food schedule? Too bad, at least you are getting food, unlike people in other parts of the world.



As for the prom dress... It's true that they need to be "got" early, but it's common for mom's with only one girl (or for the oldest) to not know that. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just point out to your daughter that she's the oldest/only and therefore gets to be the one experimented on. Sucks to be the only/oldest sometimes but too bad!



Jenn :-)

Lola, sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure you must be overwhelmed, frustrated and at the end of your rope. Teenagers can be very self centered at the best of times. They have hormonal challenges, peer pressure, stress at trying to find where they belong etc.. It's almost like they are in a spinning funnel and sometimes they just need someone to push the stop button. It may be difficult to set boundaries because you are coming to terms with your dx and working a lot of hours which must be exhausting. Sometimes it feels easier to just give in and let kids get away with stuff rather than spend the time and energy being firm and standing your ground. Unfortunately, giving in just prolongs the situation and the problem is still there the next day. You asked for advice so I would say..set boundaries and stick to them. Don't allow disrespect. Give her responsibilities and consequences if she doesn't do what is expected. I know you are tired but try to find the energy and conviction to set her straight. It will pay off in a short time whereas doing the same old thing will give you the same result you are getting now. Try to muster the energy and fortitude because it will pay off for both of yiu. Short term pain for long term gain.

Best wishes

Beth

I have three lovely and very mouthy teenagers at home.  I have a plaque on my wall that I point to often.  It says NOTICE TEENAGERS If you are tired of being hassled by UNREASONABLE PARENTS Now it the time for ACTION! Leave home and pay your own way while you still KNOW EVERYTHING. 

Teenagers....UGH!

I actually went to see a counsellor....my teens would stress me out so much (I have a girl and a boy).  He recommended a few things and also this book:

"Get Out of My Life! But first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" by Anthony E. Wolf PhD

It's pretty basic, but helpful and funny too.

I had written a rather lengthy post about what I would do, but decided I don't have a daughter (2 sons) so I shouldn't give advice but certainly some things are the same. Disrespect to a parent shouldn't be gender-specific or tolerated. She can buy her own dam car.

I won't repeat some of the good advice others ahead of me here have posted re. setting boundaries and defining consequences.  I thought I would just throw in, however, that your daughter may be very scared by your BC and at this age, it is far for her to express anger/dissatisfaction with you than how vulnerable all of this may have caused her to feel.  This does not excuse her behavior, but just adds another dimension to the "mouthy teenager" explanation.

My SIL was dx'ed with stage 4 BC at the age of 40 when her daughter was 15.  The daughter went through a rather lengthy period of making excessive demands on her mother just at the point when my SIL was going thru chemo and recovering from an Mx.  She was intolerant with her mother's need to slow down during a special mother-daughter trip to Europe the following year.  At this age, even under the very best of circumstances, it is hard for them to be empathic and to understand how their behavior affects others.  It is more comfortable to be snarky than to express just how terrified she may feel about her mother's brush with a serious illness. 

I must say that now my daughters who are both thirty something, are among my best friends. That was not the case when they were fifteen. I had four younger kids and the girls did a lot but not without complaining about everything. Oh and I was the worst mother in the world, at least according to them, at that time. It is the nature of being a fifteen year old girl, spoiled or not, with a mother with cancer or not. They are awful. I went somewhere every Saturday to get away from the whing and crying and screamuing. It was awful, but like I said before, we are now really good friends. The only way I could live through it with my sanity intact was to leave when it got really bad. I either went to my room or left the house. Please do not take what she says personally.It is a hormone thing. some people really enjoy their teenage daughters, not me.

It got better when they went to college and saw I was not as bad as some moms. Now they have kids and they understand a lot more.

Okay I'm sure you have talked to your daughter all about your diagnosis, but have you tried talking to her about all of this recently? She needs honesty about how you really feel and how you just can't give into her demands right now.

 Five years ago I was a sixteen-year-old, and though my mom wasn't sick at the time, there were still some issues related to how much she worked and my own priorities in life. When she was flat-out honest with me (such as "You care too much about going to parties and prom and haven't even thought about your college essays. If you don't start shaping up then I have no reason to pay for university.") I actually paid attention. Yes, maybe that particular example was more of a "threat" but it worked. It wasn't that I really thought she wouldn't pay for my education, it's that I realized she was right that my priorities for ME were screwed up at the time.

If my mom hadn't said a thing and kept her mouth shut, things might not have changed and I could be at a shitty university. But she didn't let it slide by anymore and finally said something.

I think it's important for every teenager to start learning self-sufficiency and independence at a younger age. I am surrounded by so many college seniors who don't know how to balance a checkbook or can't book an airport shuttle without calling their parents. This is a good way (and a good excuse) for your daughter to start learning how to deal with certain issues on her own (like getting a ride with a friend to the prom dress store or taking a walk to the grocery store for shampoo.)