Am I a fraud or just depressed?

Hi Pickle ... you don't sound like a fraud to me .. maybe just a little down in the dumps.  You may want to consider upping the Effexor as it is a very low dose, or switching to a different anti-depressant.  There are plenty out there that don't interfere with metabilizing the AI's.

I suspect the Aromasin could be causing some sadness too.  I tried Arimidex and only lasted one week.  It was hell on earth, and I'm proud of you for sticking with the Aromasin.

I've had many times where I put on a happy face to hide the sadness beneath, because I don't want anyone to know. 

My heart goes out to you right now.  I wish you all the best.

hugs,

Bren

Pickle,

I don't think you're a fraud at all. You are just expression very well what many of us feel. The AL's can really mess with our emotions, not to mention all the feelings that go along with finding out you have BC. I would also suggest upping the Effexor as BinVA suggested.

Pickle, we saw the latest BCO blog post and thought of your struggle. You may find it helpful: BCO Blog: Are Dark Thoughts a Bad Thing?

You ARE brave for being so honest about your feelings and reaching out. We hope this helps!

--The Mods

Pickle, I am not sure if we met before, but I respect your heartfelt post. Before cancer, I do so many things right, eating, exercising, avoiding chemicals...and got breast cancer anyway. I am at this less time than you but I have humdinger days still. Bottom line is there is a sadness about not having breasts anymore.

Anyway I started eating wrong, not taking care of myself, a glass of wine each night (I never did that before!!!)  and I still do this a few times a week, to be honest. In my opinion, it does cause depression, all of it! Just hearing your name in the same sentence as the words breast cancer cause depression.

I take lexapro, I honestly don't think I would have made it without. So yes, upping your meds is  needed.

This breast cancer is so much to cope with, is damages our bodies as well as our self esteem...

Gentle hugs...

((((((Beth))))))... your post made me so sad.  You are being waaaay too hard on yourself, and I agree with the others, some of it could be coming from either or both of your meds.  I don't know anything about Effexor, but I can't help but wonder if you really need more, or if you maybe need something different due to the Aromasin?  And as far as the procrastination, I feel somewhat in the same boat, but I also know it's hard to tackle any challenge when you don't feel your best.

You probably know this, but I think if you could start exercising -- even starting with walking -- it would go a long way to help you by both creating endorphines (the happy hormone) and giving you time to organize your thoughts and what you need to accomplish each day.  At least, it's helped me do that, as well as deal with a lot of emotions about this whole experience.  If you need motivation to get out there, you are so welcome to join us on the "Motivation" thread!  We have a wonderful, small, very supportive group, and one of our motto's is something we call the "10 Minute Rule," which has been a huge help to all of us on the days we don't feel like exercising. You can search for that phrase, or I can elaborate if you're interested.  No one can tackle everything at once, and besides getting your meds tweeked, exercise seems like a great place to start feeling better about everything.  

The other thing I'm firmly in favor of post-bc-tx is taking advantage of every opportunity to do something for our appearance to boost our confidence.  There's no doubt bc tx takes a HUGE toll, and things like a good facial or new color can go a long way to bringing back the sparkle and self-confidence.

I also want to recommend a book that helped me a lot when I was really in the post-tx rut.  It's called Back To Life, Getting Past Your Past with Resilience, Strength, and Optimism, by Alicia Salzer, M.D.   It was a huge boost to me in moving forward.      Deanna

PS ~ Just wanted to add, congratulations on the upcoming grandbaby!    

Pickle141, You have taken the first step in turning things around. Coming to these forums and letting ohers here know how you feeling is good. No one is judgemental and all are supportive. Don't try to change everything at once. Ask your MO if it could be the Aromasin. Try drinking just one glass of wine and make it last. See if there is a support group in your area. Good luck.

Hey Pickle----Barb is right...you are doin too much...stop and smell the roses and please stop beating yourself up.....ya cant do it all in 1 day!!!!!!!!

whe i first refused to take any of the ALs.i went crazy tryin to find things to replace it.well i cannot take any of those things either.cant eat veggies or salad due to many stomach issues...ya know what....I DO WHAT I CAN AND I DONT DO WHAT I CANNT DO.It took me a long time with lots of help from the sistas but im workin on it.probably forever.

Hi Barb!!!!!!!

Oh, yeah, PICKLE, you are exactly like a human being is supposed to be, and I KNOWS I try so hard to be nice on these boards, and yet I also have times where I just plain become unglued.  And I smoke, I had to pick it back up about five years ago when I was disabled and couldn't work anymore, and we had to sell our home of 20 years and downsize, and it all just broke my heart.  If I hadn't had the smoke, I would have gone around the bend.  Luckily I didn't go back to the drink, but I really had a problem with that and cannot go back to it.  But you, hey, a bottle between you and hubby, SO WHAT?!?, it's your business, kiddo, and don't nobody think less of anyone who is swigging it down!!!  Don't you know something like 90 percent of all Americans drink!  Ha!  Nobody is kidding anybody when they act all pious and perfect, when they get sloshed on a regular basis.  And I wouldn't call a bottle split between husband and wife as ANYTHING like sloshed. 

Look, it's all TOO much to just stand up righteously to it, and be some sort of nun or whatever.  And I can tell you this, and God forgive me, but taking those dang hormone-blocking pills WILL contribute a lot to your so-called percentages, but hon, I DIDN'T EVEN LAST ONE MONTH.  I near 'bout got booted out of one of the hormone forums for whining so much about it.  So, I talked to the doc and left that drug flat, and I'm ashamed, but I had NO CHOICE.  I was a mental case.  He wants me to try another, and I'll try, but the second it plays this mind game on me is the second I'll quit it again.  DRIVES ME NUTS that they tell you it's a good thing, and yet I was going around the house saying, "WHAT IS THE POINT???" of living, you know.  So, I think you SHOULD talk to your doc about laying down that medicine for a few weeks, just see how you're doing with it and without it, as a comparison, and he can advise you what would be the best course, and you would personally know what's up with those drugs and if you need them or not.  Plus you HAVE been taking them a long time anyhow, so it's not like you haven't put your work in.

But hon, if you want to try to do better, don't jump all over yourself and call yourself names.  You could just pick ONE THING you will try, just try is all, to do.  Like when you and husband drink a couple glasses, then walk right on outside, hand in hand, and breathe in the fresh air and talk about the sunset or stars or whatever time it is.  And THERE'S your walk.  Just a suggestion.  I've been TRYING to walk, but so far only do it twice a week, but at least I can do that.  I pat myself on the back every chance I get.  And I DO see some folks I know on this thread, and I KNOWS they don't care if I'm all goofed up or not, becuz like them, I'm just doing the best I can, which may not be much, but it's me.  We're all human, kiddo, and this sort of thing is normal.  So, NO, YOU ARE NOT A FRAUD, you're a human being, and I care, and as for the stuff you're doing in the closet, PLEEEEZ, just do it in the sunshine of the front porch of your life, and screw it.  After all, you have cancer, and hit do makes us crazy, girl, don't you know!!!!  SMILES!!!!  GG

Pickle, I know something of your dilemma because I also struggle with procrastination, and I like wine.



I must say the ladies on this thread have been kind to you, maybe too kind. Don't let yourself completely off the hook. You can make some changes because, as you said, you know how. But you may need support to be motivated. It seems that motivation is what you most lack.



I agree strongly with the suggestion to get a therapist whom you can share your troubles with, hopefully get help to see things differently and support in setting goals and monitoring progress. I also agree with the advice to have your meds reviewed.



I agree with the suggestion to start with just one aspect to improve and get help to achieve in that area. For example, if you choose to stop smoking, get patches.



Also, I have found that having a routine, such as when working, does help me get up and moving. When I wasn't working, I was more inclined to let things go undone, such as housework and paperwork.



You say your husband is supportive so I ask how he can be of more practical help in supporting you achieve your goals? Will he shop for, cook, and/or eat healthy food? Will he exercise with you and motivate you in this? Will he work with you to reduce your nightly wine consumption, say to a glass of red each? Will he help with whatever might be a factor in your closet smoking?



It may be hard for you to make changes on your own but with the help of a therapist and a buddy (husband) it should be easier.



Also, do you have a friend who would exercise with you?



I hope you feel better soon and good luck in gradually making some positive changes.

Beth, glad to hear you are moving forward!!! That's all it takes...one thing.

With love,

Pickle, you sound like a very genuine, authentic person. You are definitely being too hard on yourself. Many of us feel the same way. I think Barbe said it very well. (((Pickle))). And babies are very therapeutic too.

Hi, Beth,

What Ahtena said, I hope no one uses the word "just" and "depression" in the same sentence.  Don't know if we've met on the boards before, I hang out a lot on the AI SE thread - and as I was reading your opening post - I was thinking of what is the FIRST LISTED Side Effect ( SE) of Arimidex.  OR Femara, OR Aromasin - same result - we have NO ESTROGEN in or bodies.  Or, so little, it just doesn't even count as a hormone!

ASTHENIA - and no, they're not listed in alphabetical order.  I looked it up on Wikipedia, and posted the definition - can't remember the wise woman who posted next, but she added: "Greek for feels like crap."

I SWEAR a lot,  a WHOLE, WHOLE lot of what you're describing is membership on what I call The A Team ( Ariidex, ut applies to ALL THE AI's)  Really. Some days it feels as if I'm dragging an extra weight on my shoulders, beside the LARGE excess weight around what used to be my waistline.  Depending on age, some friends add muscle weakness to the list.  Even with free wieghts, I don't know any woman who has the strength she had b4 the AI.

There are exceptions, I'm inspired by Claire in Seattle ( on the AI SE thread, check out her posts, she is amazing) and ruthbru keeps moving ( MOVING) - but honest, what you're describing is NOT being a "fraud" - it's being a bc survivor on an AI.  And, I give thanks daily, for having this medication available, and I hope I'm here for many, many more years - BUT, sometimes it's just hard.

Try to be gentle with yourself.  Massage.  Acupuncture.  Exercise, when you can.  Good food. Check your Vitamin D level ( about 40), and maybe your thyroid ( TSH: thyroid stimulating hormone not more than 2.5)

good wishes....

Pickle, it's great to hear you are moving forward. Truly, I have felt the same as you in regard to the mountains of papers (still have them) and getting more done when working.



I am thrilled that your husband is helping. That should make a big difference. Ask him to keep you accountable and on track.

Good for you!!!