So finished Chemo part of TCH thought i wouldbe so happy but...

Options
NeedtobeSTRONG
NeedtobeSTRONG Member Posts: 101
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I am not I feel like I am back to where I was a few months ago. Scared, Mad, ect...   I can not get out of my head the fact that I had 15 positive nodes and I am her2+++.....It scares me so so much!  I feellike I have so much to live for but am so scared to LIVE!  as if why bother fufilling my dreams if it can beripped away at any moment.  And I do understand that it can for anyone..  just feel like knowing you have a better chance of the floor being ripped out from underneath you...stinks.. I want to smileI want to be happ! How do I do this again!!..

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • thenewme
    thenewme Member Posts: 1,611
    edited February 2012

    It sucks, doesn't it?  If it helps at all, you're not alone in feeling this way.  It's very normal.  And it does ease up with time.  You've been through a HUGE battle, so try to give yourself time (physically and emotionally) to recuperate.   I think for a lot of us, the period after the active treatment is over is really hard.  A lot of the mind-game crap starts to surface simply because we didn't have the resources to process it during treatment. 

    It really does ease up.  Hang in there!  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Karina121293
    Karina121293 Member Posts: 370
    edited February 2012

     Strong, I understand you so well. I am 6 months out of active treatment and still not able to pull myself together. In fact, I was in a lot better place mentally while going through the treatment, since I had a target. Our new target is staying alive now, and I am doing everything possible, but fear is my companion every second, even when I am asleep. Honestly. It's absolutely robbing my life. I trust other ladies say it gets better, and I am hoping so much that one day I will wake up with a better mind. Sorry I have no advise. Just want you to know that the way you feel is very common. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NeedtobeSTRONG
    NeedtobeSTRONG Member Posts: 101
    edited February 2012

    Thanks ladies! It is good to know I am normal. Haha.... I think it is the feeling of letting myself get happy the scares me the most. I am so grateful for these boards because I do not think anyone can understand this like all of you. I did not think I wouod feel like this. Last night I found myself comparing my stats with others and there dx date thinking okay well 2 years is good.. I know how sick this is but the uncertaincy is just so overwhelming. And to boot everyone is so excited congratulated me on the end of chemo. I feel like saying yeah well I have radiation for 6 weeks herseptin for a year and a lifetime of worrying and freaking out....but thanks for the congrats!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Denise2730
    Denise2730 Member Posts: 648
    edited February 2012

    My doctor suggested seeing a therapist. From what I have read a lot of cancer patients suffer with PTSD. We may not have been in a war overseas but, believe me, we have been, and are still in a war. My doc suggestive cognitive therapy. I have yet to make the appt. because sometimes I don't have the motivation to do a damn thing.

    You are not alone in your feelings. That's what I love about this site. I can spill my guts and nobody here judges me or tells me "at least you're alive" or whatever platitudes we hear from other people.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • bc50
    bc50 Member Posts: 40
    edited February 2012

    I too am almost done with chemo (one more treatment) and have been having the same feelings as you.  One my real bad days I try to interrupt those feelings by asking myself "Do I want to live everyday depressed about how much time I may have left or live to the fullest for the rest of my life?" Unlike people who die in car accidents, murders, heart attacks; we have so much time to think about our mortality. It's agony, but we get to make a point of living out our dreams unlike those that go suddenly.  I have decided to make a bucket list because it's got to better than what I've been going through.

    It also helps me to read the posts from women that are 15, 20, 30 years out.  You never know one of them could be you and/or me.  We may live so long we have to keep adding and adding and adding to the bucket list!  Hang in there.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited February 2012

    I felt the same way you do when I finished tx.  I was like "now what?"  I felt almost like I WANTED to continue some sort of "active" treatment.  I was not one of those ladies who celebrated and wanted to throw a party.  It seemed so anticlimatic to me.  All this tx, then nothing......not really.....I am on Tamoxifen, but you know what I mean.  

    It does get better with time I promise you.  I still have ups and downs but it is nothing like where you are now.  You're still so fresh and new with all this.  Hang in there, you can do this!

    Love,

    Sharon 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Momine
    Momine Member Posts: 7,859
    edited February 2012

    I hear you. In a way, I think part of getting to a better place is to allow yourself, within reason, to rage a bit about the unfairness and total suckiness of it all. It DOES suck, who are we trying to kid here. I got a whiny letter from my dad yesterday where he moans about how his end is near. Gee dad, my heart breaks for you. Try being in your 40s and having to face that. Dad is past 80. He had his time, and then some.



    Apart from that, what helps me is to focus on what I want. IOW, how I want to live, and I do not want to live however much life is left in a state of misery and fear. So I try to purge those things and do things that make me happy. Not to be all brave and wonderful, but to enjoy myself. If I keel over next year, at least my last days will have been pleasant, and if I manage to carry on for another 30, I will still be better off if those are happy and pleasant years.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • faithhopenluv
    faithhopenluv Member Posts: 323
    edited February 2012
    NeedtobeSTRONG - I'm still in treatment, but I keep telling myself that there weren't any gurantees before I had breast cancer, I just wasn't as aware.  There was a point when I kept saying I wanted 2012 to be over (through chemo and most of my surgeries and have hair), but now I know I want to live my bald life this year.
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited March 2012

    Strong,

    Honestly, I have felt like I am jinxing myself by pursuing goals or enjoying myself.  Like somehow it's taking too much for granted and fate will punish me.  I'm not delusional, but I really do catch myself feeling that nlow. 

    My partner has told me something, I think it's from AA maybe, "Fake it 'til you make it."  Doing that actually helps.  I found that by letting myself live a little bit, or pretending I was, I started to open up again. 

    It's getting better.  I finished active treatment the end of 2010.   

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • fredntan
    fredntan Member Posts: 1,821
    edited March 2012

    Are you walking yet? This has helped me a lot., I put on my ipod and some Tom Petty (really like him right now) it helps clear my head. And that little pill -celexa -antidepressant has really helped too.

    Don't ever look at stats again. You got to think, by the time this data comes out, that treatment was over maybe five years.

    I just finished chemo yest. Who really know s how long we have. I stopped reading the obituaries (I'm a nurse) its a thing nurses do. But I've seen so many people, just totally screw up there lives & die young. Car accidents, not having a simple bp check to check for hypertension & being in kidney failure in 20 s. Of course theres nothing we could have done to not get this f ing BC. It just sucks



    I dont know if this helps, but I'm going to get dressed , get out of bed .

    I am planning on lunch with my sister, and toasting this mountain that I've just climbed with some red wine. I'm hoping the radiation mountain won't be quit as big. At least it wrong be as long-5 weeks as opposed to 5 months.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • katyand4
    katyand4 Member Posts: 171
    edited March 2012

    Boy I'm glad to see I'm not the only one.  I have one more taxol treatment next Wed. and then a little break followed up by 6 weeks of radiation.  I've had a sense of joy and sadness as the chemo comes to the end.  My lymph nodes showed ECE so I'm scared crap and would actually prefer more chemo than the radiation.  Have been in tears periodically last couple of days and when I talked with my doctor yesterday she said that was completely normal.  Thank god for that because I thought I was losing my mind.  I love this site because I can come here and see that I'm not the only one feeling that way.  

    Katie 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NeedtobeSTRONG
    NeedtobeSTRONG Member Posts: 101
    edited March 2012

    Thank you everyone so much for letting me know I am not alone!  It really does make a difference. 

    @Fredntan-- Going to Start walking next week:)...I am also a nurse just finished school and got my license in July then was dx while looking for a job. So I have not practiced yet.  I think that is also such a big factor for me. I was on such a high in my life when I was faced with this.  As for the glass of wine you had...hope you enjoyed it! :)  I think I needto do that this weekend.  Need some normalcy.  Maybe dinner and a drink or 2. :)  Thanks for your support.  When do you start Rads.  I am going formy simulationon the 8th. then will schedulefor my 5.5 weeks.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • camillegal
    camillegal Member Posts: 16,882
    edited March 2012

    Strong--What u feel fades in time--But u will smile and laugh and plan.Please don't get me wrong--u might never feel the exact way u felt before u faced a horrendous disese and the treatment is brutal to fight it--but u did. Don't think back to what was found, think ahead as how u will deal with it.Try different things to destress, my favorite is aromatherapy, probably because it's simple. Any one can be ripped apart in a minute for any reason we don't know, but we don't think about it otherwise we'd all be crazy. Think in terms of days by day and before u know it it's week by week and on and on. Please don't let fear grip you, u made it, now make it happen. Good Luck

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NeedtobeSTRONG
    NeedtobeSTRONG Member Posts: 101
    edited March 2012

    I have the BEST HUSBAND!!!  He made breakfast this morning.....  got the kids dressed and bundled up...  made a huge thermos of hot chocolate... and we went to the beach... It was just what I needed..  brought my new camera I had just goten before being diagnosed.. I took so many beautiful shots..  smiled, laughed,ran, built a sand castle with the kids.... 

    It felt so good..and the walking and fresh air made me feel amazing!  He knew exactly wha I needed to get me out of my rut!

    I know I will have these down moments from time to time and Thank you ladies SO MUCH for listening and provideing support and letting me know I am not alone!

    Tommorow I am going to start my walking.  Wish me luck

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NeedtobeSTRONG
    NeedtobeSTRONG Member Posts: 101
    edited March 2012
    My Girls on the beach
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NeedtobeSTRONG
    NeedtobeSTRONG Member Posts: 101
    edited March 2012
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Karina121293
    Karina121293 Member Posts: 370
    edited March 2012

    Beautiful girls!!! I am so glad you enjoyed your day. Good for your husband. We don't want much to be happy, do we?? A bit of luck with the ca thing, healthy kids and loving, caring husband. My kids are much older, 22,21, but one their smile, hug, oblige me to pull through this...

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Momine
    Momine Member Posts: 7,859
    edited March 2012

    Beautiful beach and beautiful kids. I love, love, love walking on the beach. I am nearing the end of treatment and just started walking properly again. For  while there, I simply couldn't. It helps me a lot to get moving.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories