What's wrong with me????

Dear Steph - I wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now. Please know that you are NOT alone that we are ALL in this together. And we All have these crazy moments ( I do) when we are utterly lost and confused and pissed !! about what has happened to us or to our dear friends. It is a constant fight. Stay in the moment. Breathe in through your nose and out with a big sigh through your mouth. Make a sound now! Breathe in again through your nose and out through your mouth......continue. You will feel a bit better. And I hope you are reading this. this shall too pass.... in my next entry I will write some more.

Oh Steph, course you should not feel grateful,  we are stuck with managing this long term. I am only a year out so can't know what I will be like at 3 years, but you are certainly not alone.   Some people gets meds to help with the depression, it is an option.  I work with the little things, find small things every day that will make me and DH smile, the big stuff will happen or not.

Just wanted to send hugs 

Penny

Steph: Sorry you are feeling down. What is wrong with you is that you were unlucky enough to get breast cancer!! That's all.  I think it just sneaks up on us once in a while how scary it all is.  I agree with all who have suggested some meds...this is too much to deal with, sometimes, and the meds were developed for just this kind of thing.  Some days the bad news about others is also too much to bear.  I hope you get some relief soon. Until then, know you are certainly NOT alone!

Kicks - great idea about the lightbox.

Hi Steph,

 I was dx in 5/2010 with IDC 4.5 cm, grade 3, 7+ nodes, ER/PR+, BRCA2+ -- kind of a similar dx to you. I've also had a hysterectomy -- just last Feb. And a bilat. mx in Sept.  I just had a 3 month check up and have been totally freaking out since then. I've felt so scared and depressed. I think part of it has to do with coming up to 2 yrs. Does that make any sense?? The onc. nurse said 2 yrs. is a milestone and I should be --- be what? I'm not sure how she ended the sentence -- happy? proud? 

 I want to feel all those things, but I can't. I want to trust that all is well, but that is so hard. Maybe it is the time of year. Maybe it is just the seasons of my mind now. Sometimes I can embrace that all is well and other times I wait for the shoe to drop.  Let's face it, we've all been to hell and back. But it doesn't end there for some of us does it? Some of us swing back and forth -- that's when I realize how much this dx has taken from me.

I'll stop rambling now.

Hugs,

Rachel 

faithful......I'm 6 years since Dx and I still struggle....I am not the same person I was before Dx...and it impacts my marriage....I've been married for 34 years.....and my husband has been on this journey with me....but he hurts too...he mourns the loss of the wife he married....we are not intimate...I know I struggle emotionally....how can I not!!!!  I do think sometiimes that I should be really greatful for all that I have.....even though I am, I still miss the old me....SOOOO, yes you could be struggling with depression....2 years doesn't mean that you should be over it!!!!  Honor your feelings and try to figure out what you need to do to address them....maybe counseling...maybe yoga, exercise, journaling or somesthing else that makes you feel good.....So for rambling, but I'm thinking outloud while writing....Hugs...

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time Steph.  I wish I had some magic words to take it all away, if I did I'd use them on myself right now too.  I don't have any words of advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  I'm having a hard time myself right now and even though me & DH are not in therapy, we should be.  I feel the same way, I should be so appreciative of what I've been given but instead I'm angry, bitter and sad.  I'm sure you're friend has a lot to do with your emotions.  I've moved on in some parts of my life and in others parts not so much.  You come here and vent anytime and if you ever need to PM me I'm here for you. Sending you hugs and prayers. 

(((HUGS)))) Steph,

Sheesh, your post could be signed by me except my husband and I aren't in therapy... yet. I think it's a matter of time though.  Some days I just want to sleep and forget about it all.  I am on Lexapro but don't know if it's working.  I had a rough patch a few months back but am feeling better now, although getting up in the am seems to be the hardest part.  Once I get going I'm usually better after a cup of coffee or so.

We get it, so don't EVER be afraid to post here when your'e feeling this way.  I know I have and you all ALWAYS make me feel better.

Love,

Sharon 

HI Steph,  There is nothing wrong with you hon,.  Depression can hit anytime in our lives even when things looks seemingly good outwardly.  First you've been throught the traumas of this diagnosis that have ongoing issues no matter how far out from dx.  You mentioned your friend having a recurrance.  That can be triggering a lot for you right now, especially so, because you are in therapy with DH.  Therapy always brings up a lot of feelings we've pushed down over the years. Whether it's couples or individual therapy, feelings and issues can come up and we may be crying tears we've pushed down for so long.  Trust me, I've gone thru this whole thing, and it's a long story, I won't get into here but allow yourself to feel your feelings.  Write down some things that you are feeling about different issues, then read them back to yourself or DH and your therapist.  By doing this your are giving your feelings a Voice, and by reading and speaking and hearing those feelings you've written down, you are allowing your senses to process them in your brain, in the non feeling and feeling part of the brain, and somehow it helps us to process all the stuff that comes up into our heart. 

I hope you do feel better.  Also, this time of year can cause a little cabin fever, so try and force yourself to get out and walk in the sun even if it's for a couple of minutes.  Peace and blessings to you faithfulheart.

Barb

I agree - never allow anyone to tell you how you "should" feel.  My mother died from this dreaded disease over 40 years ago (and trust me when I say, we HAVE come a LONG way).  Sister and I have been STRONGLY monitored and I have never missed a mammo in over 30 years.  I had always been told that because I have been so vigilant, I had no worry, it would always be caught early.  Then, when my cancer was finally diagnosed, the tumor was small (about in the 1cm range)but it sure had done a heck of a lot of damage in a short time because there was a lot of node involvement.  Worse yet, I say in a short time b/c I'd had a mammogram just 9 months earlier and it wasn't on that film or any of the others from the last 5 years.  This serioiusly was found only due to one of those fluke things. 

For me the dx was almost a year ago and I have just been released from treatment.  In the next 5 weeks I am in "appt mode" for tests to make sure it worked.  I have decided that my life has to move on and I can't think about "what may happen".   It's where I am now but I can easily see how this disease has changed me already in ways I'd never be able to explain.  Depression because of this is a real possibility.  I am not married, have no children and have decided the easiest revenge I can place on this disease is to accelerate the rate I enjoy life by doing as much as I can and I've just scheduled a trip of a lifetime for September.  No matter what happens I don't want to become an old lady and think that cancer has held me back from doing things I coulda, shoulda or woulda have done when I had the chance.  Or worse yet, I am not one of the lucky ones and don't get a lot of years and then am angry because I allowed it to hold me back.  

My hope for you is that you find something to lift or help the depression and find peace within yourself and begin to feel better.  After all we go thru, we all deserve it!

Financegirl: well said! Thank you!