I have gone mad

Hi Ali 68, Mkgutierrez, and others,

You aren't alone and you aren't going mad either. I have found that many women who do have nurturing and supportive husbands don't get the complications of living with unsupportive spouses like we do. My husband does all the things that yours are doing and we have gone the extra steps of  joint counseling (she told me outright to leave him) and he has been seeing a psychiatrist on his own for years along with prescriptions for depression. This passive/aggressive behavior seems common and although I'm not excusing it for a second, I do understand on a deep level why we make the choices we do each day for a little harmony in the house. Our relationships contain tons of complicated dynamics that may be economic, medical, social, spiritual in nature. Yes, it is a better idea to divorce. I suggest you ladies do what I'm doing and set yourselves short- and long-term goals. I went back to school to get a degree so I could find a decent job that would support the needs of myself and my son. I've now got the degree and looking for work. Once I establish that, then I will plan on my next step and likely file for divorce. My breast cancer diagnosis was picked up during my yearly mammogram and I just had the mastectomy this week. Until I'm fully healed, and this includes receiving treatment under my husband's health insurance through work, it's in my and my son's interest for a stable and positive environment to live and to heal. You ladies have already made so many daily sacrifices and choices so you can have a little peace to do your own living and healing. You and I are strong enough to do that a little while longer until you are able to fully support yourselves and I'm able to fully support myself. We can do this. I'm so glad that you are out there going through the same thing as I am. We deserve better. But until we can find that for ourselves and be able to really enjoy that, I know we will have to make less than desirable compromises in order to have a little peace in the house to regain physical strength and vitality. There is nothing wrong with us for doing that. As long as you aren't in any danger of physical abuse, only you know what you are willing to put up with. Yes, the psychological abuse is often what our husbands do reduce to but that is a much more difficult road of degrees that only you can measure. For me, my husband freaks out because I'm the emothional and physical oak of the family. He has never been able to deal with coping. I have had more than my fair share of having to cope, including with him. I think its the small joys that will really matter for our healing now. And that includes not telling him some of those things in order to protect your own spirit. Go see a matinee movie or get your hair done and ask for a scalp massage, or have tea with a girlfriend. I do all of these things without my husband knowing it, even if its only every now and then. Do what brings you joy and makes you laugh, even a small thing each day. I know now that I've discovered this web site, I'm going to visit more often. I wish you and others like us support and positive vibes. Take good care, RP.