I just don't want to smile today...

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J-Bug
J-Bug Member Posts: 626
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I just don't want to smile today. I should. I just got through chemo, bmx and finished rads on Monday. I am now left with no breasts, very short hair and a career that is falling apart. As a graphic designer, more and more of the jobs that are out there want the web skills. I am just not ready to conquer that task. I am working on it, but am in no way confidant in representing my skills in that area. I was "restructured" from one job right after I had gallbladder surgery for gallstones. I was working a contract position that let me go when I got my cancer diagnosis. I am feeling so little hope for the working world. I am doing contract work now for a major corporation that supports bc in a big way and have worked for them several times. I appreciate their compassion as they kept me working all through chemo. I am not saying anything about bc at interviews and wearing prosthesis and keeping my head up and smiling. But, sometimes I still have those days... I just don't want to smile today.

I was supposed to go to school conferences today. I couldn't face all those teachers. There is so much going on in our state with our governor getting the unions out of the government jobs. The teachers are running around feeling so wronged. They are upset that they have to pay more on their healthcare. They are upset that they no longer have the right to stay because of seniority. I have worked so hard through the years, and the workplace just keeps spitting me back out. I get a lot of interviews but I am overqualified or underqualified for the same titles. I ramble...

I couldn't go to the school and smile at all those teachers and try to pretend that everything is great and that I am one of the "good" parents. I have a child with Asperger's and several other labels and one with ADHD. I am used to the teachers looking at me like perhaps I am the problem. I have done a lot to advocate for these kids and have learned so much through the years about how to work with these kids. But, I need their help now. I don't want to feel like I have to do so much to keep these kids functional. I don't want to hear what they think we need to do to help them more. I usually smile and enjoy these conversations and tell them all of the things that we do to create a functional structure for them at home, but I just can't do it today. Conferences go from 12-8 today and with five minutes left, I realize that I am skipping my kids' conferences for the first time. I just cannot smile today...

Tomorrow is another interview. I think that my radiation burns may have healed enough to wear my prosetheses again. I feel a bit like a drag queen when I wear them, a drag queen who forgot her wig. So I have to convince my interviewer that they want to hire me for this position even though I am way overqualified for this one and have made so much more in the past, without telling them about any of this last year's journey. I have to convince them that I really want to work hard in this position that will pay me $10/hr less than I am used to making and that I am just doing this to avoid the long commute times that I have had. I have to convince them that maintaining a healthful balance to my life is more important to me now than designing for big name brands and celebrities as I have been doing for the last 15 years. I cannot smile today...

Tomorrow I will find my joy again. I will spend the day doing the contract work that I have and being grateful for that. I will go to my interview and smile and convince them of the truth, that I do want a healthful balance back to my life. But, more than that, I would love to never think about cancer again. 

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  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 5,758
    edited February 2012

    Hi J-Bug:

     I saw your post at the top when I was just glancing at the board and had to log in and let you know you are not along.  We all deal our own issues with home, work, personal image.  Hang in there.

    I know I've had days (and still do from time to time) I just want to get in the car and drive away and not come back...ever..........and just go somewhere else......but I know logically life's problems won't go away.  We just have to get through them.

    Hang in there.  You made it through so much already.  I can't believe the right job isn't out there for you somewhere. 

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  • Aza
    Aza Member Posts: 76
    edited February 2012

    JBug, you have so many things coming at you at once.  It's not fair.  Yes tomorrow is another day, things will be better and you will find your smile again. You sound like a strong woman to me, even though right now you might feel like melting into a little heap.

    Sending you a warm hug,

    Aza

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  • J-Bug
    J-Bug Member Posts: 626
    edited February 2012

    I took this from a thread that I started for women with 6 cm+ tumors:

    "So, how I found it: I had a yearly exam in April at my 40th birthday which included breast exam. The doctor found nothing. She advised me to get a mammogram scheduled because I had just turned 40. I said, yes, I want to get right on that because I did do my baseline at 35. A few weeks later I found a lump during a self exam near the nipple. The whole right side of my right breast was very thick and hard, but I did not notice that or realize that that could be a problem area at the time. I made a doctor appointment very soon because I thought that the sooner they can tell me that it is nothing, the better. Then I thought that I should prepare myself either way so I started searching for breast cancer symptoms online. I saw the list of things such as nipple inversion, dimpling on the breast, leakage, irregular shape... I had all of these things except leakage from the nipple. So I went into that appointment quietly knowing that something was seriously wrong.

    My husband had just been arrested in April for arson of a house that we were trying to move from in another state. We had been dealing with the insurance company on this for a year and a half. We knew that it wasn't possible that he had done it because he was not there when it started. However, the timeline was too close and they couldn't find any other likely person. It would have cost us $30,000 in attorney fees to fight this or $4,000 to accept a plea. Needing this to be done so that we could move on in my healing process and needing him here for me and our two special needs children and insurance, we took the plea. It's been a rough year but it has drawn us all closer than ever."

    I am so disgusted with how the law treated our housefire, how the law treated us. I am amazed at how much power they have. We worked so hard to get through all of this stuff over the past two years and now I am about to run out of unemployment and I am so tired of the work that has gone into this life the last two years. We are so glad we moved and we have found much better school systems, we kept our bills paid through it all, I took every contract job or work through my business name that was offered. My husband took every overtime hour offered. He goes to school during the day and works nights and often 6-7 days a week. The only times he took off from work were to handle the legal issues or be there for my diagnosis or first treatments.

    Thank you ladies. Tomorrow will be better. I think deciding to miss conferences just took it out of me tonight. I have never missed them. The kids are both in high school now and asking why we are not going. I just told them to tell their teachers that I am dealing with bc right now and just wasn't up to it today. 

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  • YramAL
    YramAL Member Posts: 1,651
    edited February 2012

    J-Bug, I have nothing to say except this-(((((((J-Bug))))). Hugs.

    Mary 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2012

    I'm glad you realized the priority level for the conferences, you come first, even today.  One day when you feel up to it, perhaps you can meet with a few key teachers, one day.

    Lately I am smiling, mostly because of bc.org and that Hubby is so loyal.  And I get to see my family more often lately.  

    But I wasn't smiling for a long long time.   I will be going back to work in 10 days, after Hubby's vacaation, and hoping by then we know where we will move and how because we are foreclosing on this place to get away fromm the neighbor's outside wood boiler.  And I will know my protocol and treatments, and what is really going on in my body by then. And I will have the business taxes done hahaha, oh please.....

    What do you want to do most?  Play Scrabble?  Color with Crayolas or chalk?   Bake something that you too can eat?   You don't have to smile, but I hope you find something that makes you feel good for even a few minutes. Keep us posted, okay....

    Hugs and hugs and flowers and puffy clouds to you!

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  • Snobird
    Snobird Member Posts: 593
    edited February 2012

    When you feel up to it you should try and reschedule those conferences. Most teachers I know, and I know quite a few, would be happy to meet a parent at another time due to health issues. Don't beat yourself up about it. You can only do what you can do when you can do it. Hugs to you and you family.

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  • J-Bug
    J-Bug Member Posts: 626
    edited February 2012

    I am doing better today. Thank you ladies. I know that we all struggle with our emotions through this stuff, so I try to not go into self-pity mode here. I don't want to bring everyone else down with me. I am just so terriblly frustrated with the job search and balancing it with the health issues. I talked to one employer today and they want to interview me for a position that pays $16 PER hour LESS than what I used to make and still want me to know all the design programs and technology, etc. It's just amazing and I am trying to figure out how to regroup. 

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