Telling SO that he has to move-scared

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amontro
amontro Member Posts: 504
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I have a thread here where my SO has been home recovering and needs  me to take care of him. Of course, there's more to it than that if you want to read it. Just to update, I'm selling the apt. that I own and that we live in together. Saturday I am signing the papers on a rental for me. I will then have to tell him that he has to move. I am willing to help him look, but he is not going to take this very well. My daughter will be there for moral support and to let him know he's not going to be abandoned.

I feel so guilty even though I have Stage IV w/mets and he doesn't seem to respect my needs. I need to quit my job, and my new place will allow that and allow me to have a quiet, non smoking environment.

I know it doesn't make sense unless you read my other thread, but I'm afraid that he will not take it well. He has had abandonment issues. We will still have to live in our present apt. together until he finds a place to stay and I find a buyer.

He likes to talk a lot and try to fix things, mostly by thinking that moving somewhere else will change my condition. I've told him that I can't be as active as he is and he will have to settle for that or move on. This does not deter him and that's why I have to go out on my own. Thanks for reading this.

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited February 2012

    I feel sad that you feel guilty about not putting your needs first!  I know you're afraid how he will react.   I see this is a very complicated situation. Will he become a 'bottomless pit'?  That's how I felt about some of my relatives.

    We all need to feel how we do feel, but I just feel protective and don't want to see you get hurt.

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited February 2012

    I read your other thread and assumed it was coming to this. Please try to concentrate on your health, both mental and physical, rather than his needs. You have to do whatever it takes to keep the stress down and deal with this disease. 

    God bless

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited February 2012

    Good for you for making the decision to take care of YOU. I, too, am sorry it has come to this and can understand you are nervous to tell him.

    Maybe after you discuss it, if he brings it up again (to try to influence you), you can have a ready-made reply like "I appreciate what you're saying but my mind is made up" or something. Just say it over and over and over again. That way you will not be drawn into repeated discussions where you will only end up feeling conflicted and guilty all over again. 

    Good luck. Let us know how you are doing. 

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  • Brendatrue
    Brendatrue Member Posts: 1,830
    edited February 2012

    amontro, Choosing a path that will allow you to work toward improved well-being takes courage, focus and support. I am glad for you that you do not feel compelled to live your life in such a way that it meets his needs, regardles of his abandonment issues, over yours. You deserve to create a space that will help you to find what you need to care for yourself, and that doesn't make you lacking in empathy. Life is full of difficult choices, and I hope you will have lots of support in place to help you as you continue down this path.

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited February 2012

    I have followed your story on and off. Your current post doesn't sound like you are quite ready to have this discussion with the guy. But you could be by this weekend. This discussion needs to be emotion-free on your part. No guilt, no crying, no wiggle room for him to find the break and use it. Practice your statement, which should be very short. Restate the statement and the move-out deadline over and over whenever he tries to stir your emotions.

    It will be hard since you will feel like you are being too mean, but wavering from what YOU want to say only allows him to believe you aren't actually serious. The deadline is really important as well especially if you are willing to start eviction proceedings if he doesn't move voluntarily.

    Good luck. This is tough stuff.

    *susan* 

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  • amontro
    amontro Member Posts: 504
    edited February 2012

    What you're all saying is so true. Leaf, yes, he is a bottomless pit. I will be signing for  my new place this weekend, putting  my own place up for sale, so he has to be told that he has to go. I've never cried for my bc, but I've been crying over teling him that he has to go.

    You are all right about my being strong and not crying or folding up. He has been behaving himself and being so kind for the last week because he knows somthing's up.

    I have asked my adult daughter to be with me when I talk to him so that she can tell him he isn't being abandoned, she/we will help him move, and he can be a part of our family, if he so chooses.

    I will have to live with him for about six weeks because that's my deadline to sell my place. So, any ideas on how to get through this will be appreciated.

    You all seem so right on because you are all objective. I'm in the middle of it and I can't see what I should do. Again, thank you for your support.

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  • momof3boys
    momof3boys Member Posts: 896
    edited February 2012

    Is your condo under contract? When do you take possession of your new rental?

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  • amontro
    amontro Member Posts: 504
    edited February 2012

    Tomorrow I'm getting the keys to  my new rental and technically I can start moving in on March 1. Also, tomorrow I am signing the papers to put up the condo I own for sale.

    As I said, the most difficult part for me is telling my SO, and then living with him until he moves. I have to stay at my owned condo to make sure it looks good for prospective buyers all the time.

    Because of his abandonment issues, my family and I will offer to help him move and let him know that he can still be a part of our family functions.

     Amyl, I don't read a reply ready. I am signing fo my rental before I even speak with him.

    I can't tell you how much I value all your support.  My nerves are shot.

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  • momof3boys
    momof3boys Member Posts: 896
    edited February 2012

    Is it possible for you to tell your SO, give him notice that he has to move by a certain date, and then you either stay at the condo by yourself to make sure it is in "showing condition" or you move to your rental and leave your condo unoccupied but "staged" for showings? This would of course be with your SO already moved out.

    It does not take long at all to find a rental, if you and your daughter are willing to help. Theoretically, if the rental is empty and he looked at it today, once a credit check is done and the deposit is given (not personal check, do cashiers check or certified funds) your SO could take immediate occupancy.

    We've had people walk into our office, find a rental and move in within a weeks time.

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  • amontro
    amontro Member Posts: 504
    edited February 2012

    momof3boys - thanks for the advice. He has been home on disability for the last 6 wks and won't get the approval from the surgeon to back to start work 2nd week of March. I understand he can't get approved for a rental unless he has a job. Disability doesn't count even if he has a job waiting.

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  • amontro
    amontro Member Posts: 504
    edited February 2012

    My daughter explained it all to him. He took it ok. He wants to buy my condo. We're not sure he'll  be back at work in time to apply for a mortgage, or that his finances will change as he expects. In the meantime, it seems like he's almost relieved that he will be able to be away from me and on his own. If the mortgage deal fails (we actually have a terrific realtor), he will just have to rent somewhere else so I can sell the condo quick at the end of the month.  Thank goodness, no hysterics. I'm relieved.

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited February 2012

    Amontro, I'm glad to hear things went smoothly.

    Leah

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