I feel absolutely horrible...

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mts12
mts12 Member Posts: 9
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I think I just broke up with my girlfriend.  I said it, I had to do it.  She's just been putting me down constantly, i'm absolutely miserable and she makes me not want to live.  We're both almost 30, been living with parents, we are/were in the process of moving in together but i'm having serious doubts and nothing but negative thoughts about it.  I'm facilitating everything with this move, and she's just being abusive and i feel repulsive to her.  I've been rolling with the punches for a while and am well aware of the effects of chemo, even when my head was bitten off I didn't give up, I never left her side... but now i either can't tell what's real or not anymore or I've ran out of ways of what to do in those situations.  Things have been rough for the past few weeks/month, we had an amazing and productive day/night yesterday, but it all went into overreaction overload this morning basically destroying my last sliver of optimism that I was holding on to.  We took measurements of our place and I made some virtual layouts with furniture dimensions in place all proportional to scale (I'm a graphic designer, once worked for an interior designer, so I have a good idea of what i'm doing/talking about), she forgot to write down a wall measurement I told her to write down, but it was no big deal because the layout was still very close to accurate, and she flipped out.  Things like that have happened  many many times already, maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  i'm seriously hurt all the time always and I've been that rock for her this whole time.  Part of the matter is, I was living with my mother for a long time and she treats me like garbage, so now I'm going to live with my girlfriend who treats me like garbage; i'm not looking forward to any of it anymore.  I am/was thinking that things will be better once this move happens, but it doesn't even seem to be surviving the move. I've researched things thoroughly on here, at the breast care center, and talked to a few professionals and alls I get is "don't give up, she doesn't mean it"... I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't believe all this has happened, and I've been told I have a tough skin.  Some of our mutual friends tell me that "Matt you're a great guy. most guys would've given up a long time ago...", I don't give up easily at all. I've cared for and love her so much, but... I pretty much only feel hurt and incompatible. Now some would say to hold off on this move perhaps, but there are other non-relationship things that are pushing this into motion a) my mother treats me like garbage, NEED to get out. b) she was living with her father during treatment but her father's girlfriend makes everything difficult and wants her out for some reason, it's gotten to the point where it has affected their relationship, so much that he even paid our first month and deposit to make it happen sooner, otherwise at our rate, this move would've taken 2-3 more months. I am in the most uncomfortable, difficult, miserable, situation and it feels like there's no way to get out of it clean, I feel sick to my stomach. I feel destroyed that I feel I need to leave her because of all this. Of all the "harshness" people have described to me that may come with this territory, her treatment has not been nearly as bad as was originally told could potentially be, and I know I'm not the first guy who's been in this similar stress, but I'm not finding much on what those guys have done or if I did read or talk to someone about it, the frequency of it didn't seem this high at all.

Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated as I never imagined I'd feel this horrible on this many angles by someone I love.

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited February 2012

    So sorry you are going through this. Before my current marriage of 20 years I went through a very painful divorce. That was a terrible time, but I got through it and am with a much more compatible mate now.

    How to sort out what behavior is related to the bc and its treatments, and what is just normally "her." Only you can determine this. If you look back at your relationship and see more negative than positive, maybe you should move on. But if you reach the opposite conclusion, I'd keep trying. 

    Another thing, which you are probably aware of, is that when we have issues with a parent we tend to pick partners like that parent. Subconsciously we are trying to resolve those early issues. Not saying that this is your case, but you do very pointedly describe the similar personalities of your girlfriend and mother. Just made me wonder about that.

    Best wishes!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2012

    Awwww...you are definitely between the rock and the hard place.  First of all, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.  If you are at the end of your rope, you will have NO energy or patience to be able to deal with your girl friend's emotional rollercoaster ride.  I can't speak for where she's at, but if she loves you she is probably really miserable and confused, too.

    Some suggestions (take what you like, leave the rest):  1) Send her a txt, tell her you love her but maybe it would be best for you both to have a cooling off time for a couple of days so you can come together and look at the situation when you are both in a better frame of mind.  2) Use that time to talk to someone who understands both BC and abusive relationships and might be able to give you some perspective about whether this is truly "just" about the BC craziness all of us going through this get, or if there really is an abusive property to the relationship.  3)  If you find that this is not the right relationship for you to be in, explain it to her with as much dignity and gentleness as you can.  Write it down if you have to (but GIVE or read it to her...don't just send it unless you're really afraid for your well-being).  4) If that's the course of action you ultimately take, continue to see someone who can support you as you battle with your choice.  5)  If you decide to stay in the relationship, it sounds like you would both benefit from some counseling, either alone or together (or both).

    This is a hard thing.  You will have to work through a lot of hard questions and make some hard decisions (either way you go).  Find someone (either in a support group or a professional counselor) who can help you through it.  Good luck and don't forget to breathe.

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  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited February 2012

    Tell her how you feel and ask her do we go forward or split up. Don't move in with her because you feel you have too. The worse thing you could do is stay with her then leave in six months time. I had a guy who did this to me and it was worse and I was pregnant.



    Good luck

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  • gramamuses
    gramamuses Member Posts: 633
    edited February 2012

    mts12, I have read your post and was replying ewhen off it went into cyberspace.  Meanwhile, ysa's post appeared, and it is pretty much what I was saying and thinking.  Do take care of your own needs too.  Yes, your gf is vulmerable, ill and probably scared out of her mind, and I think everyone understands that we need to give people some slack and understanding when things are tough and there seem to be nothing but rocks and hard places as options.  If you feel you can no longer put up with her behaviour toward you--then I agree that to confront her in the kindest way possible is something to consider..you will find out a great deal about her character in how she responds--may take awhile for her to think it over--seems she does realize her behavior is over the top.  That in itself is a positive thing.  Do remember, you are not her servant, you are not the hired help.  Very best to you both, and hope her treatments are effective, and you are botha ble to resolve things to your mutual satisfaction. 

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  • flannelette
    flannelette Member Posts: 984
    edited February 2012

    I'm sorry to say this, my dear, but I think you need out. I've had 4 major common law or married relationships and the longest one lasted 20 years at which point I was 58, and i HAD to leave. It was the saddest and the hardest thing I've ever done, becuae i loved this man. But, he did not love me in the way I needed it, and he often put me down in public places, and was rude because i have a slight hearing problem and he was irritated beyond belief that he had to repeat things, and all in all, even though we had some great things going - like living on a houseboat all summer and being surrounded by water and beauty - I was always depressed. But did he give me a hug? no. or if he did, it was like he was frozen. And he never once voluntarily told me he loved me. And he never complimented me to my face, but did brag about my accomplishment to others. And when I was sick he would just leave the house for work without so much as sticking his head into my bedroom to acknowlege that I was there and just say hello, or goodby. and finally I met someone who understood me, and when he hugged me it was like a zap from the heart of the universe that zapped alive my emotional life which I had so neglected, like a plant that hadn't been watered in years. And I went through emotional free-fall, feeling things that had bees repressed for so long. and leaving was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.It was hell.

    But a year later I met a man who I like so much that I knew I wanted him to be my friend. Because he only ever made me feel good instead of bad, and he had manners, and we laughed and were light-hearted and I could be myself and now we've been together for the 6 happiest years of my adult life. and I know what a good relationship is. I am so very thankful, for I new that my ex would NEVER have stood by me if I were to get, say, cancer. and lo & behold I did, and my new man was my rock,and I sailed through, and all the best parts of me came out and were acknowledged.

    We thank each other every day.

    So, from what I'm hearing from you, I'm sorry to say, please leave. You're only 30 and this woman puts you down and makes you feel like dirt and her cancer is NO excuse. I've been through mastectomy, chemo, radiation, and not once did I feel the need to take anything out on my man. 

    When you find the right person, you will know, because they make you happy! and they don't need to be rude. and they never make you sick to your stomach. And they don't treat you like garbage! This is very nasty, but I'm going to say it: ditch this bitch, she will pull the same stunts for the rest of your life.

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  • sweetbean
    sweetbean Member Posts: 1,931
    edited February 2012

    I have to say, anyone who is treating someone like crap because they have BC needs a therapist.  I get how hard treatment is, I totally do, but that's really no excuse to be horrible to someone.  Honestly, cancer brings out what people are like in challenging situations.  And life usually brings you more than one challenging situation so you want someone that you can count on.  My boyfriend began acting horribly to me until I finally broke up with him a few weeks later.  I never mourned him because I figured it was better to know now.  (Ironically, now he wants to be friends on facebook.  Jackass.)

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  • flannelette
    flannelette Member Posts: 984
    edited February 2012

    I'm sorry to say this, my dear, but I think you need out. I've had 4 major common law or married relationships and the longest one lasted 20 years at which point I was 58, and i HAD to leave. It was the saddest and the hardest thing I've ever done, becuae i loved this man. But, he did not love me in the way I needed it, and he often put me down in public places, and was rude because i have a slight hearing problem and he was irritated beyond belief that he had to repeat things, and all in all, even though we had some great things going - like living on a houseboat all summer and being surrounded by water and beauty - I was alwys depressed. But did he give me a hug? no. or if he did, it was like he was frozen. And he never once voluntarily told me he loved me. And he never complimented me to my face, but did brag about my accomplishment to others. And when I was sick he would just leave the house for work without so much as sticking his head into my bedroom to acknowlege that I was there and just say hello, or goodby. and finally I met someone who understood me, and when he huggedme it was like a zap from the heart of the universe that zapped alive my emotional life which I had so neglected, like a plant that hadn't been watered in years. And I went through emotional free-fall, feeling things that had bees repressed for so long. and leaving was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

    But a year later I met a man who I like so much that I knew I wanted him to be my friend. Because he only ever made me feel good instead of bad, and he had manners, and we laughed and were light-hearted and I could be myself andd now wev been together for the 6 happiest years of my adult life. and I know what a good relationship is. I am so very thankful, for I new that my ex would NEVER have stood by me if I weere to get, say, cancer. and lo & behold I did, and my new man was my rock,and I sailed through, and all the best parts of me came out and were acknowledged.

    So, from what I'm hearinf from you, I'm sorry to say, please leave. You're only 30 and this woman puts you down and makes you feel like dirt and her cancer is NO excuse. I've been through mastectomy, chemo, radiation, and not once did I feel the need to tke anything out on my man. 

    When you find the right person, you will know, bcause they make you happy! and they don't need to be rude. and they never make you sick to your stomach. This is very nasty, but I'm going to say it: ditch this bitch, she will pull the same stunts for the rest of your life.

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  • KrystalRose
    KrystalRose Member Posts: 22
    edited February 2012

    Let me get this straight, I see a post "I feel horrible", thought it was about a woman going thru something regarding her BC, but its from a guy who is going through a "relationship problem" with someone with BC? not sure through all his rambling, and he wants advice ???  My advice is to go to a "relationship forum" and get advice there.  Women here have real life "I feel horrible" breast cancer health problems.  JMHO

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  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited February 2012

    So, cancer is very stressful but I have to say that there is no excuse for her treating you badly. Having cancer and going through treatment is no reason to be abusive to anybody, especially the people you love, so stop thinking being treated badly is okay just because she's been sick.  If she's in the habit of taking her stress out on you now, it probably won't go away when she gets better, or faces other stresses in her life.

    It sounds like you are both a bit immature and maybe you should consider moving out of your parents house and supporting yourself for a while.  If your mother has been abusive you should have been gone a while ago but you are setting yourself up for accepting what is really unacceptable.  Live on your own and take some time to reflect on what you've been through with your relationships with women,  and then maybe you can take on a relationship - either with her or somebody else.   I strongly suggest you move out on your own right now and not in with her.

    The reason you date somebody is to find out if they are compatible with you:  if they way they handle stress is the way you do, if the things they want in life are the things you want. You date to find out if you can be kind to each other even under times of duress.   I think you have the answer to that so it seems to me like you ought to break it off and find somebody who, no matter what the stressors are, can treat you with respect.

    Good luck. 

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