Complicated emotions...

Anonymous · February 2012

Not really sure how to start this as I've kind of been an emotional zombie for a couple of days. The best way to explain it is that I guess this has all sunk from the intellectual to the emotional, big time. Before when I burst into tears or got really stressed, it seemed like I was still somewhat distant from the diagnosis and watching myself get emotional and not quite understanding why. Yesterday, however, a couple of things hit me and I started to retreat and then ended up totally melting down last night.

First of all, while at MDA last week, they found a second spot in my IDC breast. They all agreed that, by its shape and characteristics, it was "highly suspicious" (my BS was fairly certain it was malignant but, of course, we'll only know once it is biopsied). However, they were having a really hard time finding it on the u/s and, after discussing with my BS, we all decided to opt out of the stereostatic biopsy since I had already decided to have a BMX. Last night, however, I got the full radiologist report from MDA in the mail and the wording about both my known IDC and my "highly suspicious" spot just shocked me. The new mass appears to be close to my chest wall, more centrally located (left to right/up to down), and partly obscured. My known IDC is actually fairly close to the surface so was much easier to pick up. Neither are large but my known IDC is barely under 1 CM (as opposed to the 7 mm they had originally told me). The new "partly obscured" mass was measured at 7 mm. This did completely reinforce my reason for doing a BMX with such an "early stage" cancer (thank goodness no one has dared to question my decision so far, and god help the person who does now...lol).

The other issue is that my mother (a BC and colon cancer survivor) was definitively diagnosed yesterday with lung cancer. She has a tumor the size of a small plum in her lung, right next to her aorta. She will be having surgery (she's 83) and it is not highly aggressive so they think that can wait until after my 3/23 surgery.

I have a complicated relationship with my mom (that's generous) and am so overwhelmed suddenly that I don't know how to feel. Mostly, I am worried about the toll this is going to take on my 44 year old "little" sister--who had been planning on spending all her time with me at MDA and will certainly (and understandably) be split between her concern for me and for my mom. Could be borrowing trouble on that one since we have no clue when my mom's surgery will be, but it's just one more thing that running through my head and I'm suddenly getting paralyzed.

My husband is totally supportive but tends to not "get" the weird relationship my mom has with her kids so doesn't quite understand my conflicted feelings. He does totally get my concern about my sister and has offered to take her place for the latter part of the time we are in Houston (I had wanted him to stay home to take care of pets, work, and house) so she can fly out to be with my mom, if necessary.

My mom is pulling often-used (and totally unnecessary) martyr crap by insisting that neither my sister nor I (if her surgery is far enough down the line to allow it) need to come be with her. I guess cuz when you're 83 and have survivied 2 other bouts with cancer, having the part of your lung that's right next to the freakin' aorta (AND you have COPD) removed is no big deal??

Okay, I think I just needed to say all this "aloud" without judgement. Don't know what there is to say about all this. Just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.

Blessings2011 · February 2012

Dang, Ysa, you're going through a lot right now!!!

And all the unknowns are just making it that much more stressful.

I understand completely about "complicated relationships" with family. No matter how old we are, some dysfunctions seem to take on a life of their own.

I know you just wanted to be heard, and I heard you!

My only advice would be to take care of yourself first, treat yourself gently, and take it one day at a time.

Big hugs and prayers for you as your surgery date draws near. I had a BMX with immediate recon, and I've never once regretted it.

TwoHobbies · February 2012

Ysa, I know how you feel. One of the suckiest things about breast cancer that I found is the story keeps changing! It seemed for me it was a series of bad news, good news. It seemed every time I had another test, my tumor got larger, and then oh we found another small one, and ended up switching from a lumpectomy to BMX. But in the end, I have a good prognosis, which is the good news. You'll get through this.

At the time I got diagnosed, my son was having medical problems and needing surgery too. It was hard for me to switch off the 100% dedication to my son and concentrate on myself. I felt guilty. But I did learn to do it, and you know, everything that needed to get done got done. So let others help out your sister and mom and take care of yourself.

wenweb · February 2012

Ysa, I too can totally identify with how you are feeling. Four months after I finished radation and had begun Arimidex, my husband had an emergency triple bypass. He had just dedicated himself to "taking care of me", because I was completely worn out.

Needless to say, I had to become the caretaker of everything. Believe me, it has taken it's toll. We are both doing well now, but (with guilt), I feel cheated out of having my time to be nurtured. Is that selfish? I think yes, but those are my feelings and it doesn't make things any better to try and deny it.

The saying "this too shall pass" certainly pertains. I wish you the best. Life is messy Frown

Wendy

Anonymous · February 2012

I didn't really expect a response so you are all really appreciated and I am sending you hugs. = )

Just for fun (sarcasm), I had a total meltdown last night that ended up with my husband and I rehashing old (but relatively resolved) issues and him telling me this morning that he decided he'd see me through my treatment and then we should go our separate ways. Huh? Up until now, we had been doing pretty well in our relationship, generally. We had worked through most of our issues, and were more happy and content, and communicating better. We've been doing really well for the last 3 or 4 years. When I was diagnosed, he responded by being very understanding and supportive but I also knew that he was hurting and down because of what was going on with me.

The meltdown WAS my fault (I just got completely overwhelmed and it brought up a lot of old insecurities) but his reaction (which was an old pattern he had and had mostly gotten over--let's throw out the baby with the bathwater) floored me completely. I haven't stopped crying in hours. We finally did talk about it sanely for a while this morning, I called a counselor to make an appointment (he agrees we should do that, and I think I definitely need someone to talk to and have been putting it off). I think once he gets some sleep and we get through a few days, some of this will resolve itself somewhat but it's clear that we still have some underlying issues to address.

The hard thing for me is that, right now (and I'm sure that this is temporary, but thus my personal counseling need), getting cancer treatment just to have him walk out the door at the end takes away any desire I have to get treatment at all. Totally self-destructive, I know. It's just depression talking and I'm not about to start canceling surgery or other appointments, but I can't bear the idea of going through this much hell thinking I'll have no one to enjoy life with on the other side.

Again, thanks for listening. I do know that many women here are going through times that are so much worse than my own so I feel like a whiner who really should be grateful rather than this depressed. But I do appreciate the ability to move it out to somewhere other than to my husband (which is obvioulsy not the right place right now) or just leave it in my head. Thanks.

Anonymous · February 2012

Just a quick update that I am doing much better. Hubby and I had a good, sane talk later on the 23rd and then had a good weekend. Like so many other women here, I let my focus go to other issues during this first 6 weeks of knowing I had cancer, and my meltdown was probably long overdue. Once we got to the other side, hubby also got less depressed and apologized for threatening to walk down the line. It still highlighted a couple of areas we need to work on so I'm going to follow through (as is he) with some counseling AFTER surgery and treatment (his expectation was that we'd deal with this later in the year...thank god), but it's definitely a better situation than it was last Thursday.

Continuing to send you all hugs, strength and Light...and am very grateful that you are here.

Complicated emotions...

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