I have gone mad
I have been doing so well dealing with the Cancer and looking after the family.
Today my husband has pushed me over the edge and I lost it big time. Why does the other half have to push you to boiling point and know they are doing it but still carry on.
I can't tell you how angry and upset I am if I could walk out the door I would but I think he should pack his bags and go.
Comments
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Maybe you have been too strong for too long. You have only dealt with you BC for a couple months, it's only the beginning. You don't always have to be strong. Let someone take care of you. Does your husband know how you REALLY feel about this? Make sure he does. I've found that many husband act strangely since the cannot make BC go away. I truly hope things get better for you all!
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As far as behavior goes, you or he may have some routine he got stuck in, and didn't know how to stop it. In fact, there are all sorts of possibilities. Fear, fatigue, etc.
If this "pushing" is occurring a lot, it is not good for anyone. You might look for a support group for you or him or both. Cancer can be deeply disturbing in all sorts of ways. -
First my husband wanted to jump of a cliff saying we should go together. Then he spent his evenings looking at old photo's of me saying I'll never look like that again. Then he was fine and now all he does is moan about money and stupid little things which I find so childish. He spends no time with the kids and just moans about money we spend on them and to be honest a pain in the bum. I wouldn't mind it money was short but it isn't he just likes bloody moaning. I'm not like that and it's driving me mad and I broke my best vase and my lovely flowers.
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Sorry about the vase. Have you talked to him about the money situation? Why he thinks it's so bad if it isn't? He may be blaming the money for something else. It sucks to have to go through this. I'm so sorry.
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I wouldn't mind but it's my money I'm spending I'm not touching our business money. What gets me he buys himself a BMW new every three years which is £60000 plus do I moan no.
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Hi Ali68,
It's been my experience that if a guy gets a hangnail or a headache they are moaning and complaining and wanting our sympathy! But we are expected to be able to handle anything without complaining. He should be going out of his way to make things easier for you NOT moaning and complaining about money! Shame on him and you can tell him I said so!
I've been divorced for 16 years ( i am in no way suggesting you get a divorce)and my ex would'nt have walked to the kitchen to get me a tylenol let alone be there for something more serious! Hence the reasonhe is my ex! lol
I hope everything works out well for you!
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I think you should buy yourself a new BMW convertible!
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Interesting that you're the one saying "I have gone mad" in a forum about "emotional crises" -- seems like your husband has an underlying depression!
I mean "let's jump off a cliff together" as a first response to your dx sounds like he was already in a depressed state -- and that he has been in a pattern of relying on you for energy and life force and direction and taking care of everyone -- which could symbolically be represented by "money" but maybe money really boils down to "Mummy" !
And the announcement that you "have gone mad" is putting the world on notice that you cannot take up the slack in the family any longer -- you are the one who now needs an adult partner to carry his own weight and shoulder some of the extra burden!
Anyway, I think it might be helpful if you could get him to some counseling -- either couples counseling, or for himself -- or, if he won't go, then for you to vent and get some clarity on how to deal with this depressed partner. Because that sounds like the crux of the problem to me! ("he just likes bloody moaning")
Well -- of course I'm not sure my diagnosis of your hubby is correct -- perhaps I'm just dx-ing my ex-husband all over again (including being uptight about money spent on son -- when I was the one earning most of the money!) -- but in any case, I want to send you hugs. Sounds like you're just justifiably angry, on account of his being the one who's "mad." -
After the fight he said I don't know why you have brought this up? It was him who brought it up. He knows that really upsets me when he turns things around and makes out it's my fault. It doen't help I'm still having periods with chemo and my pmt is not so good.
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AnneNYC you are right just what you said. Me and my kids have thought the same but it's nice to hear someone else say it. Five years ago he went like this but worse and made our life hell. He wouldn't get help and said he was fine. He doen't see his friends anymore and moans when I see mine. We also work together and have no money problems but I can't understand why he isn't happy. I have to say his mum, cousin and other member's of his family are all like it.
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ali, sorry you're going through this. Do you have any friends (or a support group or counselor) who can provide emotional support? I hate this idea that you're spending your precious energy and time dealing with his issues. It would be nice if you could get the support you need. I know all these movies show people rising to the challenge when someone is sick, but in my experience, that doesn't always happen. People are flawed and putting them under stress doesn't always make those flaws go away. So people rise to the challenge; some don't. Meanwhile, you're still in the early stages of Tx and deserve all the emotional and practical support you can get.
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Hi ali68 - I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of the stress and fatigue of your cancer treatments. I agree with AnneNYC that is sounds like he is depressed. This episode may have bent triggered by his fear of losing you or his missing your usual level of attention to him. I also think it would be best for you both to get counselling, or, if he won't, you should by yourself to help cope with his behaviour and find solutions.
Do you and he ever have a chance to go on "date nights" or get away together? That can help to bring you closer. Also, if he is depressed but won't seek treatment, could you get him doing some regular exercise? Apparently that helps mildly depressed people as much as medication.
Depression often does run in families which may account for so many of his relatives behaving the way.
This must be so difficult to deal with when you have so much on your own plate. Definitely get some counselling for yourself to help deal with the anger and frustration!
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So sorry you're having to go through this. Sounds like your DH has classic symptoms of an abusive spouse. There is more to abuse than verbal and physical. Sounds like he is using your weakened condition to get control over you and your emotions. I would not let that happen. Stand up to him and let him know that you find this intolerable and suggest that you get some counseling. You can't continue to be put into a stressful situation like this on a day to day basis. It is not good for you.
If he refuses to get counseling, you should go alone to come to terms with what you should do to take care of yourself.
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Hi thanks, yes we do spend loads of time together all the time. He won't get help and to be honest I don't need it I'm very strong. I have great friends and he has none because they are fed up with the way he is. Maybe when I'm over all my treatment I need to have a good think about him. Do I want to spend the rest of my life like this always trying to make him happy.
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My husband went through a period of severe depression about 5 years ago following some serious health issues of his own. I urge you to reach out and get help for yourself. You can make it through this. He can recover and be the person you fell in love with. Thank goodness he recovered before my BC crisis.
Only YOU can decide if it is worth you. No matter how strong YOU are, you need help dealing with him.
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Kaara and Ali -- depressed and abusive are not mutually exclusive! In fact, I'd say those two words describe my ex to a T...
Ali68, wish I had some words of wisdom! What LittleMelons said about exercise was something that helped my ex.
I noticed you said your husband complains if you have contact with your friends. That is where the depression and "abuse" really came together in my ex! I think you sound much healthier and feistier than me -- I would try anxiously to "please" or "appease" my husband and actually let him make me feel guilty for pursuing something of my own that was fun! This just deepened everyone's misery, so if you can just maintain the connections that make you happy, that's really the best thing (even for him, even though his vision is too mope-y to see it). Oh, this really makes me sigh... It's bad enough to have to deal with this kind of marriage problem at all -- and then to have breast cancer???
Sending you lots of hugs! -
eating well is the best revenge.
treat yourself to a wonderful meal!
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Sounds like someone I know, not my hubby but someone else's and I can see there is a pattern to the cycle, the anger, then pathetic, then controlling, then purely supportive and attentive then anger. It is so abusive, and the one inside it cannot be objective, hence I found my voice to point out the repettition each time it goes there.
You do sound fiesty, good, will serve you well.
After diagnosis and during surgery and recovery, I was so angry, I could not get past it. What your hubby is doing is enough for justifiable anger though, but the anger will not serve your recovery. Like me, there has to be a way to deal without being angry for your own sake, and that is hard so hard to figure out.
For the person that mentioned above, I remind her to step out of the game, every time it comes back, toss the ball to him, and stay out of the game. She does and feels much better. If only I could learn to do this with Hubby's driving.
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Ali68,
I don't think you have gone mad at all. I think your husband has problems and is not supporting you through your cancer treatment. My husband didn't get high marks during my treatment. He drank heavily. It was only when I was through with treatment that I realized that I was ready to live healthily and he was not. Took me almost a year before I put my foot down and said I would leave if he did not get professional help. Luckily he went to rehab and now attends AA daily. He can now see how badly he acted and is sorry. You may not have this problem, but I want to say that I believe you have to stand up to bad behavior. I am thankful I did and life is much better. For me and for my daughter and for him. If he had not gotten treatment I was ready to get out of an almost 30 year marriage. I hope to live another 30 years and don't want any of them to be like the year we went through before he got help and quit drinking. Good luck to you.
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I have gone mad too,goes with the territory,its part of the whole effin bc thingy. I was once a perfectly calm rational person but cut off my boobs and stick me with pain day and night,hang a 5 lb pain pump around my neck,put 2 iv in me and 2 drains and withhold my pain pill cause your effin nurses station is having a valentine party and you cant break away til 2 hrs later...yep I cry off and on and I am on valium...my advice,get you both a prescript for valium to calm your nerves,get counseling if he will go. Lie your butt off about how much you appreciate him...men get pissy if they dont feel appreciated,its stupid as hell but you gotta tell them every effin minute how fabulous they are and then
WTF...who is gonna appreciate us?! OMG...we just have to suck it up and go on. I got orthopedic shoes for Valentines Day and when I went to his truck ....cause he is driving my new one all over town while I am too sick to drive....in his truck were 2 new pairs of super cute shoes with Univ of FL gator decals all over them and he never mentioned those. Then he got a bill from the jewelry store but never gave me anything..hope he falls down my steps on his way out!!!Sorry for the ranting hysteria but after all I have gone mad ya know....
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This morning I got up and dressed and was ready for work. DH was still in bed I came out of bathroom and he was standing there. He puts his arms around me and says sorry for last night I'm very sorry. This is a first he never says sorry. He says can we forget it and carry on? I tells him I can't cope with the Cancer, looking after the kids, working when I'm well, cleaning the house you get where I'm coming from and his bad bloody moods.
He knows I can live without him and find myself another guy( well maybe not) he has such a good life and family. He knows the kids would take my side and his sister so I think he has had a long think last night.
I tell him again lifes too short especially for me to be angry and fight.
Watch this space.
Thanks so much for listening and all the comments it's nice to know I'm not going mad.
Xxx -
ali68, men in general are so immature. It really does sound like he's having temper tantrums. I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry. The money thing would make me nuts too, especially saying he didn't want to spend it on his kids. I can honestly say I'd probably have thrown something more lethal than a vase. I'm sure he'll get over it...sounds like he already thought it through and realizes what he'd be losing. They just need a push in the right direction sometimes.
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Ali68 - I am glad he apologized. I think maybe the fight and your reaction scared him a little. But the answer to his question (can we forget it and carry on?) should really be 'no, some things have to change.'
If I read your bio correctly, you were just diagnosed in December of last year. That is only 3 months ago - that is VERY RECENT. Yes, you are strong, and that is great. But you are greatly affected by the diagnosis and the treatment you are going through. It changes you, makes you see things differently, makes things that previously were tolerable (like his 'moaning') intolerable now.
He also, is new to this. A breast cancer diagnosis affects the entire family. He sounds like maybe he was depressed before (and comes from a family in which that is prevalent) but this really pushed him further. He may be coping the best he can (which, admittedly is not very well).
I saw the cancer psychologist monthly throughout chemo. It was super helpful even though I was doing very well. I insisted that my husband come with me a time or two and we talked over some things. The psych said something I never forgot. She said that oftentimes marriages have one way of being - like a dynamic between the two people where everything works as long as the balance between them stays the same. It sounds like that is how it has been for you two - you are the 'strong one' he is the whiny one (I think in the UK you spell it "whingy"). But the bc throws everything off. The dynamic is changed. You both need different things and need to supply different things to the marriage/family. She said that IF you are able to grow and change and meet one anothers' needs when the scales are tipped, then you REALLY have a strong marriage and know you can get through anything, not just that your marriage is ok as long as everything stays the same.
I hope that paragraph made sense.
PLEASE do not make any major decisions right now. You are going through too much. It took me a year or so post treatment to feel like myself (mentally/emotionally/physically) again or maybe even longer. When I thikn back to the beginning, I thought i was fine at the time, and I WAS holding it together, but just barely. I really encourage you to see a counselor WHO SPECIALIZES in cancer patients - it is different than 'regular' therapy. I promise. I wasn't much on counseling either, I'm strong I dont' need it, etc etc etc. But dealing with cancer is a unique thing. Support from someone who understands that is helpful.
Keep us posted on hon you are doing. Sending you love and support across the pond!
Amy
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Well I did some work then came home and cleaned the house from top to bottom. Finished doing the washing and I'm ready now for Friday next chemo. While I was cleaning I was thinking, why is he such a grumpy old git? The amount of times I have said snap out of it and the kids have said the same. My eldest daughter was home for a week and she said he is getting grumpy again.
What do you think of this: last Sunday we all went to look at a horse to rent for my youngest daughter. I was driving he was giving directions from his I phone. Anyway we get lost and my eldest daughter has her blackberry and starts giving directions. You should have seen his face and i asked him a question and he wouldn't answer me and starting sulking. We get there he won't get out of the car and when we get home he still won't talk. Me and my girls are so fed up with him. When his sister comes round she has to find him in the house and he stays in his study. We went to a party a few years ago and he didn't talk to anyone and half way through said lets go. One of the guys came upto me and said why do you stay with him. I asked him what was wrong and he said he can't cope with people and is shy.
He can run his own business and talk on the phone and meet clients though. -
Ali
I am sure you can come up with lots of examples of his bad behavior, both recent and from years past. We all get it - he is probably depressed, immature, sulks, pouts, whines, focuses on the wrong things, worries about the wrong things, isolates himself, is generally difficult, does not provide the support you need, does not parent the children in a loving and nurturing way.
Ok so the question is - now what? Here you are, going through breast cancer treatment with a partner that is all of those things I just described. You stayed with him and put up with all this bad behavior for years, and now here you are.
I figure you can either ask him to leave, live with it the way it is, or work to try to make things better (get help for him or both of you).But I will say this - living with this level of stress if very detrimental to your health. And you need a low stress environment right now more than ever.
I know there are tons of examples of the problem, and each day brings new ones. When you begin to really see things clearly, you go back and look at history and see all the problems in a new light that you didn't see before. That is called 'retrospective thinking.' That's all fine, but the question still remains - what is the best way to move forward and take care of yourself (and the kids) during this difficult time? That is what I think you should spend your energy working on.
I hope this was not too blunt.
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No one has mentioned that it's the end of February. The Romans made this the shortest month for a reason. I am wondering if some time in a sunny place would help.
I know I have to get out or I get "odd" in the winter. Today, it's about as foul and depressing out as weather gets. I am fine as got in cycling the past two days.
So you have the end of winter on top of everything else. Can both of you get out in the sunshine next weekend with perhaps a stop for a nice cream tea??? I did a lot of that during chemo...was Starbucks and not a nice tea shop, but the principal is the same. Cycling more than walking.
Just to get you out of yourselves.....and into the sun.
Feel better.....I think your husband is having a hard time and taking it out on you. No, not fair, but this often happens. I second the nice meal....but have someone else cook it. - Claire
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Guys think they know it all. They don't ask for directions right? Your daughter giving accurate directions probably really pissed him off!
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Thanks ladies, I know, you either put up with it or leave. Well I'm not leaving my lovely house he can go.
Maybe he is shocked at my outburst and will try and not be grumpy, who knows.
Anyway I'm out tomorrow night with my girlfriends so I'm looking forward to that.
Men say woman are bad I think it's the other way round. -
Since the BC diagnosis my boyfriend and I have been quite emotional....I vent then he says it is his turn so have have to sit there and listen to him.....we have had some verbal explosions but forgive and move on...my problem is I feel trapped and imprisoned by this cancer sometimes as if there is no way out....he eventually helps me thru it but insists I need to hear him out...he feels he is impacted more than me and is getting tired of hearing the word cancer...he cannot handle it all the time......he loves me and is overwhelmed........my personality has changed and he likes the old me, not the new me.....so I need to be more sensitive to his needs.....he thinks I am self absorbed...duh? Yeah! Fighting for my life every day! More than 2 1/2 hrs out of the house and I am near collapse.....what a life......but I need to keep in mind that he has dreams of losing me often and is scared and tries to be happy to cheer me up which confuses me...he just wants a normal day with me and I need to quit being such a big baby all the time.
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I too am having a hard time with my husband. He is so angry and depressed. And I find myself, the longer I am in treatment, the less I can take. I do see a counselor and she asked me a question last week "is this the way it has always been, was he ever the supportive one?" It has really made me think. No he really hasn't been in the past so why would I expect anything different from him now? I was ready to pack a bag and leave this week. Even when I try to talk to him calmly, he stills ended up defensive and argumentive.
I am glad that I found this one here as it helps me to feel like I am not the only one that is going through this alone.
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