Fuzzy's Romp Room

Hi fuzzy...never been to ca treatment ctrs of america but have heard it is good....I go a different ca care system in the city which I am happy with......not a cookie cutter system of care ...the care I am provided so far is personalized and they seem so see me as a human being.....and I feel each provider that has met me really wants me to live......I feel Lucky and am doing very well for my situation according to my last dr visit................hearing bad news is devastating and I know the choices I make now will determine my lifespan....so this is serious ...and going thru a lot of emotions right now.....woke up crying two mornings this week..........what options are going to help me live longer and weighing quality of life issues as well.....and I want to make sure those around me can put up with me during this major life change.......I take one step forward and three steps back lately .............this is real.....I love my life and experience such sadness losing the ability to function physically ......September I was very active and October my life turned upside down.......but I am still here and my boyfriend still thinks I am pretty HOT....!!!!!!! So what else do I need to SNIVEL about!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for listening to another whining session!!!!

Hope I'm not too late for the group hug!  ((((((((((HUG))))))))))

A (((HUG))) for you too, Maggie.

I'm here girlfriends...........would never leave you gals..................Invited my daughter for dinner, so was with her family tonight........great Italian dinner............we sat and watched "Bodyguard" on Lifetime, tribute to Whitney, and the grands were on the computer.

Finally its 11:30, and here I am................First I cried, Sheila, you can't not feel well, love ya girlfriend...........Fuzzy.....then you made me laugh, my kind of sense of humor...............GG tough to top your statement, other then to say to all the "so called friends"......Screw them and the horse they rode in on".................and my dear Granny.......I know you were looking for me girlfriend...............Makratz.................you know how to find me don't you..........Love you ladies...............and I'm in on the group hug...........................((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

love you all.............

ptdreamers...Sent you a PM with Instructions.....Are you practicing?

(((♥ducky♥)))

Good Night All my friends

♥

Yeah Fuzzy......I like to hold on tight to the one I got!!!

9:05 am.....Good Morning

Another day...I'm gonna be out for my friends Birthday party.....It's all day think,

I'm very tired...her son have a very large house maybe I can get lost and find myself a quiet room..........

Talk to you all later...

Wishing a peaceful day to all my friends here......

♥

fuzzy...I hate to disappoint you....but I'm not going and I really believe did the right thing for myself just this one time.

I'm not here to save the world and not upset anybody while i'm feeling like a POS

Maybe I go to the supermarket or not........

I love that catbill ♥

I just can't see myself in the middle of with at least 30 people and all the talking.

hugs

Sheila..........hate to say this but I agree with you..sometimes you just have to realize,that maybe this isn't the day you want to be with "the crowd"....................we have a function next Saturday night.........part of my family is going, some are not......it is a benefit for my husband's niece who has scladerma (spelling)................for the medical bills, but I'm just not up to going...............its in a "bar type" atmosphere................there will be food, drinks (which with meds I don't do).........................oh shit, gave away my secret..................anyway, I do understand how your feeling, and unless someone gives me a good "kick ;in the ass"..................I'm not going......just not into it......

But do have a good day girlfriend...........remember we can be "down" for just so long, and then we have to put on our "big girl panties"..........................yesterday bummed me out.........loved Whitney Houston's music, but was not happy with what she became...........such a waste of talent............however, at the end of her service, when they played, I Will Always Love You, while taking the coffin down the aisle.............I lost it...................reminded me of the day I followed my husband down the aisle of the church and out the door.........I remembered when it was finally "all over", and I thought......................he's really gone.........never to come back.......no more waiting for him to walk up the steps after work, and the "kiss" that was only a little peck, but it said to me "he's home"....................well yesterday, brought it all back, and thank God my daughter was coming for dinner, or it would have been a real "bad day, into evening"

However, I survived it, and here I am....................make sure you get your "big girl panties" on....................hey, I have a "thong" how about you girlfriend.......come on, truth, truth be told, you have a thong, right...................hahahahahahahaha.................OH GOD I JUST HAD A VISUAL OF ME IN A THONG..........................NOW I DO NEED THE VODKA WATER COOLER......................SCARY............................

Ducky---if my memory serves me correctly (and it usually dont) I do remember sending you a message and you are avoiding me..yeah you are...Im gonna come to your house and drag you all the way to NYC in that thong of yours...Look for me so you wouldnt be too shocked....ok?

Yes Lauren---it does get betta...never thought it would but it not only gets betta it gets easier too.Get those big girl bloomers from Sheila and let the hearling begin.

Shiela---sista/friend.wish i lived right next door to you.huggggggggggs K

Back after many days -

PTDreamers and Makratz, thank you for well wishes, the scan was easy, the wait until next week for results the hard part, but it is Sunday eve.

Cecelia, Lauren M, Maggie Suzanne and Shiela HUGS from me too.  Read every word, am listening.

For the humor making ones among us, bless you, we need you so much.

I remember struggling to get well, stay awake, get my memory back, and was so close.  I was gardening again, albeit in the smoke from neighbor, swimming, trying to work from home office.   Then found this mass mid-July.  My sister and a few others had me calmed down, these can be cysts that need aspirated.  I admit, I did not want BC on my medical info, Hubby is soon to retire and we would never get insurance for me.  I tried to handle it myself.  It was getting smaller.  But there was so much pain, so I went to GP and figured she would say, why didn't you come sooner, anduse a needle to aspirate the cyst.  But she has seen it all within her own family, they have the gene, and she is in the field.  She said, "This is breast cancer until proven otherwise."  I was dumbfounded.  DENIAL right?  That was end of September.  She was so upset I waited so long, but I told her I would still be in the same place, dealing with it with all I know and believe.  We had the mammogram, then ultrasound, all the claws or sunburst was there, cancer for certain.  Techs were crying and I am saying, Believe it, I am going to be okay.  DENIAL, I was soooo in denial.

A few weeks later I went to the first BS and he gave me the speel and the chemo and rads after surgery info.  But my first choice BS was in Africa so I waited aand went to him, and he didn't give a speel, he asked where was I and what did I need to know, where do we start.  He respected my choices and belief, I thought then.  He said seldom do they do a mastectomy anymore.  Relief.  But the sentinel node would be a deciding factor in treatment, he thought, and while the results of a positive node that was through and through cancer did shake me up ands till does, I am standing firm.  

I waited anothe month, until end oof November because teh tumor actually got smaller from what I was doing, even GP and BS recoreded that it was smaller.  But then it blossomed.  And I went for surgery.  No biopsy, did not want it disturbed, I wanted it completely and cleanly removed then tested.

My crap for the pile - he left a positive margin.

How does a skilled, the most respected surgeon in area leave a positive margin when removing a 9cm x 9cm x 3cm tissue section with a 3cm x 3cm x 1cm tumor in it?????!!!!!!!!!!  I don't get it.  And on the lateral side by the node.  There were 60 cancer cells in the tumor, some neucrosis and scarring in the tumor.      

Now I understand this is intricate work, after all, I did just google this :::: from Amazing Facts About Your Body:::::
"In one square inch of skin, there are four yards of nerve fibers, 1300 nerve cells, 100 sweat glands, 3 million cells and three yards of blood vessels." 

But then the BS was dishonest.  I had intense swelling and drainage and the incision had opened on its own, no drain tube for me.  So went back 5 x or so, plus one post op and one done with the BS appt.  First time back for drainage, swelling, he did not tell me about the path report.  Second time, he said the pathologist thought the margin was too close, path wanted more shaved off.  i was shocked.  Did not discuss it.  Third time back, drainage again, I asked him to draw for Hubby and me a picture of the margins, what was close.  He drew it, and it was definitely negative distance.  I said, you were in there, you thought you did the job, I trust what you thought during surgery.  Fourth time back, I told him if Ifelt the need, I was going to not have more surgery, I would do a DMX, and that was because I was having so much pain in both breasts which I had already been having pre  surgery.  He said the pain was from surgery. Fifth time, more swelling issues, wanted me to have tube in, we could shave it then, but the drainage had almost stopped by then.  I said I would wait a few days to decide and it did stop draining.  So, no.  Sixth time I was back for mamm on both sides and ultrasound due to all the pain and finding cyst on other side, which thankfully burst.  He said, a MX would be best, that is  what he wanted to do when he was doing surgery, and he would then be sure he got it all and I would not be in the pain, we would both be "happy" I don't know his word..... 

I haven't spoken to him since becasue that was the day I got the path report..... I opened the BC survivor notebook they finally gave m ebecasue the BCare Center called them and said, give it to her.... then two days after the office visit and found my path report right in front.....

All this time, I had asked for the path report three times, called for it, told by assistant that it was going to be mailed.  Turned out it was in the BC survivor guide that the Breast Care Center had sent to office for me, never given to me, all the info and contacts and how to care for incision and exercise so I would not get LE, all of it.  I did not get the report until 7 weeks I think.  

GUESS WHAT I FOUND?

POSITIVE MARGIN.

Not CLOSE.  POSITIVE.  <.1mm positive.  

He did not tell me for 7 weeks, and he knew I was not going to do chemo or rads.  He knew I was going to an alternative clinic, which I never could afford to do since ins does not cover that.  He knew though.

I have him on the list.  Throw him in the Stupid BC Surgeon Goddess Fire! Please!  I am angry on this every day.  I am haunted by it,. I am scared.  The Integrative Med Dr, who is a pathologist both anatomical and clinical, and in nuclear med, said that this is only two cells from the margin, only two cells.  But he said we can hope, as sometimes happens, that the scarring will envelop the cancer cells that were touching the green ink and the c cells will then die.  Hubby andintegrative med dr said that with all I am doing, the hope is there are no c cells now.  But I know right after the surgery, there was a long tube down abdomen and there was so much pain, so I know I am better now.

Right now, he is on the list with all the others, I do not have time to go back and face him, deal w this, sue or fight.  I will go back but now all I do is one foot in front of the other forward to survival.

I am starting a thread about how can this happen, so if you have info on that, please go to the HAUNTED BY A POSITIVE MARGIN thread, okay.  Here, just give me a hug for ranting on your Sunday Parade.  

Diane (Essa is my nickname but you can call me whatever)

Essa, the waiting SUCKS!!!  We will wait with you! xoxo