August 2010...anyone starting chemo besides me?!

Ginger: I am so sorry to hear of what happened to you.  That is very scary.  Someone today was just saying on they were on TC and how it was awful.  I understand all chemo is awful but when I told her I was on TAC she looked at me wondering how I was still alive!  It was funny to say the least.  More to this point, chemo does send some belated gifts.  Perhaps something just did not agree with you and the linings of our stomachs and organs are worn out a bit from chemo so we might just experience everything a lot more.  What I am trying to say is our nerves might be more visceral and something like what you experienced only happened because you could actually feel it and perhaps, under normal (pre-chemo/bc) circumstances that same thing could happen and you would not have felt it so sharply.  I am with Kel on the clean scans---good news!!!!!!! Isn't it hard to believe sometimes, though?  All we were ever taught about this disease is how insidious it is.. I find it hard to believe it is gone.  Very hard!  I hope you are feeling better.  Even driving there sounded scary.  

Calamtykel: These are rough days for loss.  My BIL died last year at the same time your father did so the anniversary of his death is coming up on the 8th and I am still mourning the loss of my mother.  I don't think I fully connect with the fact that she is gone.  It is hard to even fathom.  In fact, a few days ago I caught myself, for a moment, planning to go and visit her.  I don't think it has hit me yet that she is gone.  When my father died I hit Wall St hard, working 16 hour days and partying 16 hour nights.  It was a rough time but not a total crash and burn...although it could have been.  I was making tons of money and I was so busy I just had no time to mourn.  Unhealthy as that sounds, it was my process.  I am noticing that I am doing the same thing again.  Keeping so busy I just can't think about it.  I miss her.

I wish you well with the anniversary of your dad's passing coming up.  It is really hard to even believe they are gone and then furthermore what "gone" means.  I am completely not the person who hears and/or sees ghosts but the woman who lived in this house prior had died of cancer.  One night, before I moved in, I was just here, checking some things out.  I went into the bedroom that was her's and suddenly I heard, loud and clear, "excuse me!"  She was obviously upset and I guess she did not know she was dead and/or I was tresspassing.  This is a very, library-like, quiet, quiet neighborhood, day and night.  This voice did not come from outside but rather she was here.  The first time in my life I ever had that experience.  Something else odd happened here: I found out she had a dog the hard way!  I was standing at the kitchen sink one night and there was a growling sound, right behind me, and it would have been a bigger type dog as the growling was right behind my elbow.  By now I realized that the "essence" of this woman, and now her dog, was still here.  So I told him to shut up and go lay down and that we were living together now!  I promise you, never has stuff like that happened to me.  I found out about 6 months after the growling that, in fact, she had a chocolate lab!  

A few nights after my mother died my cat's eyes kept looking past my shoulder and her pupils got really big.   I don't know what happens when we pass on but one of the VNA nurses mentioned something not too long ago and that is that we don't go anywhere but rather we stay here and just move on to another dimension.

You and I will never know, until we know, what happens but I will say that I feel her presence.  My sister does also.  I hope you feel the presense of your father, Kel.

Ugh...awful on the cycle!!!!  I don't know why but when the bc bus stopped by my house I went out and got loads of Advil, Tylenol, Tylenold cold and flu, heat wraps, like $300 worth of Graham Webb hair products (I know...what an effin idiot!) and all kinds of junk.  Well, having been the pic of health before bc, I don't need all this stuff so tonight I went to Hartford Hospital to see my Godson who got hurt in wrestling.  I packed about $100 worth of "CVS stuff!" to give to his mom, my best friend.  In any case, I also gave her a bunch of "cycle" products as I deeply suspect, as I am going on 1.5 years w/out the cycle, that it will ever come back.  On that long note, I feel for you!  I personally am very glad it is gone!

On the article, I was just elated to know that finally, finally, at long last, they are developing a vaccine that "talks to" the immune system and lets it know those cells have to go.  That is a huge breakthrough even though it is not everything just yet.  I think it might be one of the most promising developments in bc history.  I am easily elated!!!  

Well, I hope everyone has sweet dreams!   

Hi, Omaz-

My dad was the same with the Sunday drives!  I think we went to every state park in Connecticut and some in Mass!  He read the paper every night also, when he got home from work.  My dad was a really good guy, also.  I loved him.  He taught me a lot of different things about business and one of the most important things he tried to teach me was patience!   I was just reminiscing with a friend who lives in Massachusetts that he would come and pick her and I up at rollerskating at nearly 1AM on Friday night/Saturday morning!  I was also remembering those Jordache, CK and Sassoon jeans I just had to have!  They were $50 a pair back then!  He also used to give me his credit card and let me go get clothes for school etc... Well, my gym locker kept getting broken into and, not joking, I must have gone through 10 pair of Reebok classics that year!   He used to take me to concerts also.  There was a theater in CT not far from our house and the first concert I ever saw with him was "Sha Na Na (sp?)"  and that Bowzer guy!  It was fun.  He and his wife used to take me to all kinds of shows with them at that theater.  We saw Kenny Rogers, Barbara Mandrell (sp?), Kenny Loggins...I don't know...can't remember but there was a bunch of stuff!  In fact, one of my busy projects these days is going through tons of pics, categorizing them into 5 year blocks and then ziplocing each and placing them in small totes. Each small tote represents 5 years and so on.  I found a pic of he and I the other day and he was holding me and I was screaming because my Godfather used to scare the daylights out of me as he had a beard!  I have a lot of good memories with my father.  He was really good to my bf when I was in elementary and middle school who came from a single parent home.  He was like her dad also.  He was a good man and I miss him forever.  I think he was such a great example of what a dad should be that any of these jokers I met in my life would never measure up!  

Good day, my lovely warriors!  

Omaz: One night my friend and I left NYC around 1AM. We were heading back to his house in New Rochelle when he decided to get off I95 in the Bronx so he could get something at a convenience store! I was a little too tipsy to complain but sure enough, when we were en route this dubiously located convenience store, a "person" landed in the street about 100 feet in front of our car. They had jumped out the window of a blighted building. As the story unfolded, apparently this person was an IV drug user that apparently upset a dealer and they gave this person battery acid instead of their drug or something to that effect. I guess the pain caused that person to take their life. More to this point, I honestly feel like chemo is a controlled battery acid and it really resets our system entirely sans the pain. It is like a clean start and I think whatever aversions you now have, it is really because you have a new system, albeit achieved by dubious means! Anything is possible now and don't forget, cancer loves sugar and, as you know, bread, potatoes, pasta, cereal etc... all sugar in our bodies. I seriously think the government serving up boat loads of sugar post-WWII so as to feed a growing population was tantamount to the proliferation of cancer. In long, eat the poison animals, that is better for us! Seriously, I just think cancer means very little carb consumption. I even went back to an old dessert that I would have when limiting carbs which is ricotta based.

It is so funny that your dd is not prepared to drive right away. We were hell-bent on getting that driver's license at 16 (my brothers and sister) and could not wait to get out on the road. The antithesis of this, however, is my best friend's son who, at almost 17, still does not want to get his license. He has a few friends that don't want their license either. At 17, my boyfriend Ed and his friend John, who just came into his trust fund, and I went to Manhattan in a John's mother's new car, with a cooler and a plan to have some fun!! We had a blast the whole trip! I called my father from a pay phone in NYC and told him I was staying at a friend's house! Of course he probably did not believe me! That was just one of my trips. There was me heading to RI at 17, getting a speeding ticket for doing 95 on 95, summarily tossing that in the trunk, thereby forcing my father to start howling 3 months later when he got the letter from the state!!! It is just anomalous to me that there seems to be a new trend amongst kids and not wanting to get licensed right away. It is probably good anyway! I am also sure, however, there are things your dd would do in a snap, like behave, that was very foreign to me!

Ginger: my grandfather ran for Mayor and even my sister recently told me I should go into politics! It is just such a behemoth, messy system.... I would join forces w/Gov Chris Christie in NJ because we have very much the same attitude!! I can go through someone like a knife through butter and it is this very candid nature that probably would negate the "ass kissing" requirement of so many politicians! Christie is the only one I have ever seen who I would even remotely consider running with and I am an Independent (like I had to tell you that!). When my sister told me I should go into politics I was like you know I am a serious Ahole but she responded with something to the effect of that is what we need, for more people to just set it straight.

I am so glad you are feeling better. Good for you. I am so freakin' tired of gross meat but I don't know what else to do. Speaking of such matters, I went to Target yesterday and compared their Whey protein powder with EAS and Pure Protein and one other=they are all the same! Speaking of which, I have to go make one now. BTW, soy is less than 2% in all of these powders which my nutritionist in Survivorship Clinic said was fine. She also encouraged me to not vilify soy in such a way but I feel like I don't have a choice. It is estrogen's bff and how can I trust it now? I think we should make a broadway-caliber show on the underpinnings of cancer like let people know about cancer through an entertainment factor. It is the only way!

Liver pain and NAFLD: As you all know, I have been having an eclectic mix of pains in my liver region. This could be caused by NAFLD (non-alcoholic fatty liver disease) and guess what causes NAFLD? Yes, our friend Tamoxifen. I am so pissed. WTF with these doctors? Do I have to find out everything on the freakin' internet?  The internet is like my new cancer doctor! I have been complaining of pains in my liver for 7 months now. How did anyone with cancer, or any other disease, manage before the internet is my question?

Tex is ok.  She is away right now.  I am sure she will post when she gets back and has some time.

I hope you all are having a nice day.  Take care of yourselves or call your doctor, the internet, for help!!!!!!  

Omaz: that is great that you went out driving with her!  She will get more confident soon enough!  With a wonderful mom like you, how could she not?!   

My life was exciting before I started chasing my tail in the medical industrial complex!  As of late, I have really been California dreaming!  I am seriously thinking of Santa Monica.   I am tired of the weather and as much as I love the pace of the Northeast, I might like to surf and not be monopolized with thoughts of weather and bs!  Plus my Asian language skills are more useful the closer to the PacRim I can get.  I have a business that I had to put on hold while cancer has been visiting but, and ideally, I get that going again and head West.  I think I might be ready for a change. Otherwise I will most likely move to the Jersey Shore and morph into a sycophant, lurking around Gov Christie, and perhaps on his campaign for President!!

As for law school, and I know this sounds odd, I have decided on an "online" law school which is in California and allows me to bar in CA.   I could complete the coursework from anywhere or go to CA and continue on that route to barring there.  I am not sure yet.  If I can get through this next 10 hour surgery alive and come out with some boobs and a little symmetry, I can finally move on . Also I just had a PET and am waiting on the results of that.  I am ready to put this all behind me but that liver pain scares me.  

I am so glad you are having a nice day with your dd!  Good for you.

Ginger: that is great that your dgd said "Grandma!"  What a great moment for you!  

Texas said she will post later today.

Texas: I am so glad you checked in!!!!!  Good to hear from you! Congratulations on the message from the worker!  Does this mean you will be homeschooling?   Just wondering.  Good for you!

Something to make you all laugh = FAMILY WISDOM! My sister: "Lizzy, I don't think you had cancer b/c it does run in our family.  I think they saw a good insurance policy and lied to you to try to make money!!!!!!"  Good times, good stuff indeed!!!!!