Mother in law joined Hospice

Vicki, I am not currently a caregiver of a loved one at end of life, but I know a fair amount about the experience. I hope you have others in your family or circle of support who can assist you with providing care and by giving you occasional respite from caregiving. Make sure that you request a hospice volunteer early in the process so that you and your mother-in-law will learn to trust that person and feel comfortable relying on him or her as needed. Do all that you can to care well for yourself, which will allow you to better care for your mother-in-law as well. Make sure that you have someone you can talk to about any and everything, and continue to check in here for support. Communicate clearly and honestly with your loved one, and don't hesitate to discuss her concerns, fears, hopes with her. Help her to identify any short-term goals she might have; people often erroneously assume that going into hospice means just giving up and dying. Hospice is designed to help people experience the peace and comfort they need in order to have the best quality of life possible as long as they live and then to experience death with dignity. And I know this may sound like a tired cliche, but try to focus on one day at a time unless there are pressing needs regarding the future to resolve (eg legal issues, funeral plans, etc.). So many times we project ourselves into the future, and we don't fully live in the present, thus depriving us of those moments we will never have again. Your mother-in-law is fortunate to have someone like you willing to respect her wishes and to be there for her.

Hi Vicki

I've just been through this with my Mom, we lost her October 1.  We are in Canada and we were lucky enough to have palliative/hospice care for her at her home until September 11 when we had to hospitalize her and then, 9 days later, moved her over to a hospice facility not far from my house.

She was diagnosed last January with multiple bone mets very similar to your mom in law.  This was my mum's 4th bout with BC - she won the first three.  The bone mets were absolutely the most painful for her and we very nearly lost her in January but were finally able to get her pain under control.  The beast eventually metastasized to her liver and brain.  We were blessed to get 9 good months with her last year because of Fentanyl patches for her pain.  She was virtually pain free most of the year and, really, until she did move to hospice in her final days.  The pain got cumbersome for her in her abdomen at that point, but the hospice care people are experts at keeping people comfortable.  

I won't sugar coat it for you - it's a very bumpy ride.  Hospice workers though are angels on earth and we were so happy they took the lead in Mum's final dance...they definitely made her passing more peaceful, most of all for Mum but also for us.  Being a caregiver is excruciating work, and there is really no reward at the end of it.  However, I really do feel blessed that I got that "extra" time with Mum thanks to our palliative pain care team.  

Hugs and love to you, try to remember to notice and cherish the little victories along the way if you can.

Margi

Hi vicki how are things going? I didnt see your post before and just wanted to say i hoped thongs are going ok. I was involved in using hospice service in usa for my sister very recently. She was determined to stay at home, she loved her own bed! We developed some strategies which meant that she could be comfortable and still feel like part of life ( i guess is one way of describing it). Hospice in the US is different to here and there were some situations that i was not expecting, especially when Cyn began to decline. Please feel free to send me pm if you would like to talk. With all my heart i wish you strength and peace x

Glad to know that your mother in law is doing well and that hospice care is going better than expected. Sometimes the first step can be so unnerving that the next step seems a tremendous relief, especially when the hospice team provides so much support to help you take it. I will be thinking of you and checking in to see how your caregiving life is going. I hope your mother in law has good pain control throughout the end of her life, and I hope you get all the support you need to care for her along the way.

Vicki, I am so sorry to hear that your MIL's brain mets caused such issues of safety and mood disturbance. You sound so disappointed that she was not able to remain at home through the end of her life; however, you also sound as if you provided wonderful care and companionship to her while she was at home. AND you made a decision that was very compassionate and respectful of her needs at this point in her life by arranging in patient care. It is so challenging to face end stage disease, manage caregiving, prepare to lose a loved one, then have your preferred plan for care have to change on top of all that. I hope she continues to receive the best of care and that she is close enough that you can visit regularly, and I hope your family, friends and the hospice team provide you with the support you need. Be good to yourself!