3.5 months out from dx and can't stop crying

So sorry you're hurting today.  I think we all have had these days and it will pass.  Please don't delete your post.  There are many women here who will share their wisdom and offer you support.

I think you are probably in the phase where the reality of your situation sinks in.  At first there is the shock of dx, then busily making plans for surgery and treatment and then weathering the initial chemo. At some point, as we learn more about cancer and the prognosis for our particular situation it can become overwhelming and quite frightening.  Some women have gained control by changing their exercise habits and diet.  I'm on zometa knowing that I am at high risk for jaw necrosis due to all the factors you mentioned.   I grasping for any sort of advantage over this disease and have put myself on meformin.

I'm sorry the Taxol is hard on your body as well. I have heard some say that se's are sign that the chemo is working. 

If you are on steroids during chemo they will wreak havoc with your emotions.  Please know this is temporary.  I begged my onc to lower my dose and she did.  I feel it is careless for the oncs not to warn of the very real emotional chaos steroids may cause.  They can contribute to feeling hopeless and take you to a very dark place.

I don't have anything to contribute about radiaion and fair skin, but I'm hoping someone has good advice for you.  Hugs.

Oh my gosh,

Don't delete this post.  I for one have been there off and on since my dx and don't know what I would have done w/out these ladies.  That's what we are here for.  We "get it".  

You are in the middle of the war right now, but it WILL come to an end and you WILL go on and you WILL feel better.  Bit by bit, it truly does get better.  Sure we all worry at times, but remember you are not a statistic, and the first thing you should probably stop doing is Googling everything.  The Web is great, but it also can give you way too much information and stuff that may not even apply to you.  

They are throwing the big guns at you, I got the same tx.  4 DD A/C then 4 DD Taxol, then 6 weeks 5/week radiation.  I was fortunate.  I had no problems until the very last week with just minor burns.  They have creams to preempt that, so hopefully they will find what works for you.  I found rads SO much easier than chemo I actually went back to work.  I had some weird gastro issues with Taxol for about 2 or 3 days following tx which my onc said is not considered a side effect from Taxol.  WTF?  Hmmm, what the hell else could it have been?  So I believe you are having a similar SE.  All those will go away once you are done with chemo.

YOU CAN DO THIS!  Don't be hard on yourself for crying.  Sometimes I wish I could cry more easily.  I think I keep it in too much, and well, you know that can't be good.......

Keep us posted!

Love,
Sharon

Oh, btw, be sure to see the post here from Bugs----6 years out at Stage III!!!!

posy

please don't delete the post-- a month from now you will feel so much stronger-- you are still IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS..... that is very different than being on the other side.  We all completely understand.... I promise that this will look differently once you no longer have to do chemo.  And radiaion, well I am very fair and I was very worried... and guess what-- practically nothing-- I used the creams day and night from the first day- and I had sensitive skin, but not the burning... the techs told me that it does not matter if you have fair skin--they can never predict how each of us will react.  So try not to worry about something that very well might not happen.  

 You will have to be vigilant, but that is not a bad thing.... and yes, there are meds-- maybe you will stay on them, maybe you won't.  You can decide that when the time comes.

One of the greatest lesson I learned during this experience was to take things one at a time.  I tend to look too far forward and project and get upset.... ironically, it was breast cancer that taught me NOT to do that.  I would go to chemo, go to work, go home, go to bed... repeat.... then go to radiation, go to work, go home, go to bed.  My world shrunk down so much I could not believe it.

 Now, almsot 3.5 years out from dx, my life is the same chaotic, joyful, stressful, loud and noisy place it was when I was dx..... it is true, I do sometimes think of bc, but really not the way I did when I was in the middle of it, as you are right now.  

Be kind to yourself--you feel what you feel and that is legitimate.  I just want you to know that you won't always feel this way.....

hugs

Hello from a fellow stage IIIc'er.  It a lousy place to be, isn't it?  I've spent a lot of time researching and googling.  Sometimes I'd find some pretty ungly stuff.  If you google pleomorphic and stage 3 you'll see what I mean.  But, after 2 and a half years I'm still here.  And I really believe that I have many more ahead in my life.

Go ahead and cry.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  We do what we have to do.  For some of us, that means looking in the void and see nothing but negative.  But when we pull back, we see all the wonderful things in our life and we find the courage to go on.  You're in the middle of chemo and you've been let down because you thought things would get better with Taxol.  I can understand that because I heard that was the "easy" one.  Well it wasn't easy for me. I had neuropathy, terrible "fogs", everything tasted terrible (that when you realize how many food commercial are on tv!), rash, hoarse voice and had two transfusion.  I actually did Taxol first and then AC.  AC was better just because my taste improved but I still had to have 5 more transfusions. 

Chemo is rough.  My goal was to get through the week.  But when it got really bad my goal was to get through the day.  I did it.  So can you!  It will get better.  But unfortunately, it requires time.

I also wanted to respond to your comments about cancer treatments.  We are much, much further than 20 years ago.  We're further than we were back in '99 when my sister was dx'ed.  The supportive drugs are greatly improved and allow more women to continue with chemo.  In the past, they would have to stop because of nausea or low counts.  A friend of mine had luekemia 20 years ago.  She had to be hospitalized the entire time she was going through chemo (6 months!).  Now we have AIs for estrogen positive.  For those of us with BRCA2+ they have Parp Inhibitors.  I have a list from someone who used to post -- I'll try to find it and add it to this post.

Don't believe the conspiracy people!  Their simplistic view really burns me.  Breast cancer affects many, many people.  Including (or the families of) pharmaceutical execs, researchers, oncologist, etc.  But cancer is a mutation of a cell, the very basic form of life, not easily separated from the good cells.  If you would like to understand the struggle of finding a cure for cancer I would recommend "The Emperor of all Maladies: a history of cancer".  I found it very interesting.

Keep on, Posy!  You're getting close to the end of treatment.  Right now, time is your friend.

Posy,

I'm so sorry you're in that place.  Sucks, doesn't it?  Taxol was different than I ever imagined.  But the horrible time of chemo does pass.  Cut yourself lots and lots of slack.  You'll get through. 

I don't believe the conspiracy theories.  I think there's a big, obvious reason not to believe them. The pharmaceutical companies want to make money.  Their ideal drug would be one that keeps the patient alive a long, long time, not one that allows the patient to die quickly.  Think Gleevec. So I don't expect them to come up with a "cure" for me, but I have not given up hope there will be things that keep me going much longer.  At this point, taking a pill every day feels so minor compared to what I've been through.

I was in that place sat. Just couldn't stop. Spent friday in car driving to see RO. And my birthday was Sunday. Had a little pity party all by myself oninto sat. Feel better now. Had some retail therapy with my 15year old.and out to lunch and dinner

Lady, You feel free to cry and scream all you want and when you want.  The emotions are real and more intense after certain drugs and you have every right.  Don't feel bad about your emotions. It is your life on the line.  Good luck.  P.S.  I just cried with you.

Hi,  Glad that you are feeling better this week. Things really do get better. I find that I do not think about cancer all the time now. Wishing you the best for  your next infusion.  SharonH