What Will I Do If I Die?

  You just do it.  Take one day at a time.  The longer the amount of time that passes between diagnosis and where you are as life moves on,the less you will think about it.  Of course the little black cloud is always there, like when you go for scans or have blood tests done or you get some new ache or pain, but it is doable.   I like to think of myself as living with cancer as opposed to dying from it.  There are a lot of ups and downs, but so far I feel I am doing very well and pray you will also.  Even without cancer diagnosis, every person on this earth is terminal.  The trick is making the most of what we have and living each day as if it is our last and then waking up to think, Hmmm, I am still here, let's have another good day.   This of course is just my humble opinion.    Marybe

Had much snow in Ann Arbor?   I was in Northville to celebrate my 62nd birthday and they had a dusting that day.

Dying is part of the life cycle. I look at it as at least us stage IVer's have time to prepare. I too get scared and don't want to die at a young age like I know I will because of this horrid disease. It's not up to us when, but God would not want us to dwell on it. We also do not know what the plans are for us. Me, I think some of it might have to do with some people getting their mammogram/colonscopy that were previously not going to have treatment because they thought chemo too much of a barbaric thing. I went to work while on treatment and they thought it wasn't all that bad. I don't like being this this situation either, but don't have a choice.

I have an older sister (she's 48, I'm 43). She was diagnosed with Stage III Anaplastic Astrocytoma brain tumor. She had brain surgery, radiation (we had to rent an apartment in Boston for six weeks, we're from PA) so she could have radiation at Mass General with their Proton Beam radiation, one year of chemotherapy.

Her oncologist in Boston told us that he's never met a patient with a tag on their toe with an expiration date.... Only God knows when you're going to die. This was a huge relief for us as the other docs were telling us 6 to 18 months... And it was inoperable. They advised her to go home and spend as much time with her kids as possible (four kids).

During this time, a very nice man in our community stopped me one day and with tears in his eyes, wanted to make a generous donation for my sister to help pay with expenses in Boston. I'll always remember him telling me "it's so unfair, she's so young and has young kids, I just feel so bad. I thank god every day for my health" I thanked him.

That man died last year in a winter car accident. My conversation with him took place six years ago. My sister is doing very well and drove me to my chemo treatment today.

We don't know, no one knows, what's in store for us. Just keep living life.,

I have not been on this site for some time and not sure why I signed on tonight. A little history, Iwas diagnoised with DCIS in Oct.2010. I had a mastecomy a year ago with reconstruction because they were not able to get it all any other way.  Two weeks later I got a bad infection and lost my TE. I tired reconstruction again in aug and again got an infection and lost my TE again.  I have been fighting infections every since.I thought I had finally wipe it out when it came back three weeks ago. I faught it off then but it is back and I am feeling like I can not fight it any more. I know what not doing anything means.  I am just so tired. I not sure I really want to fight anymore. I feel like I faught cancer to be wipe out by infection that followed.  I think I was meant to see this Post to help me realize I can and should fight.Thank you each one of you. With out knowing it you have given me a little push. I guess I needed to be reminded that we need to be thankful for each day.

truebff -

Since you posted this in the "Prayers and Spiritual Inspiration" thread, I'll be very honest with you about what I believe.

I accepted Christ in 2001. It was right after 9/11, and I realized that when everything else on Earth was gone, God was still there. I struggled with my faith for some time, because I questioned everything.

But there finally came a day when I could look back at all the dark, horrible, scary places I had been in my life, and I realized that God had been there with me every step of the way, even when I didn't believe in Him. He always believed in me.

Little by little, I began to see the blessings in my life instead of the curses.

The day I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I cried all afternoon and evening, imagining the worst. 

I was on my knees that night, asking God to hold me close and guide me through this. I told him I knew He had a plan for me, and that I would seek His answers and guidance. I knew I had no control over this, but He did, and that I would trust in Him.

The pain and the fear I had been feeling since receiving the news fell away. The relief was as palpable as Valium. No amount of worry and anxiety I could feel would change my diagnosis or my outcome.

I knew that one of three things could happen: the dx would be simple, the treatment would be simple, and that God would hold me close.

Or the dx would be complicated, the treatment long and painful and uncertain, and that God would hold me close.

OR - and I fully acknowledged this at the time, the dx would be complicated, the treatment would not work, and God would call me home to be with Him.

Either way, I saw this as a win-win situation.

Don't get me wrong. I love my life here on Earth. I would sorely miss my loved ones, but I know we will be together again in our Heavenly home.

I know you are frightened. We've all been there. As it turns out, the cancer was considered "early" and I had a BMX with immediate reconstruction. I will not need chemo or rads, just 5 years of Arimidex, which I may not be able to take.

There are no guarantees in this earthly life. My cancer could come back. Or I could get run over by a truck on my way to the mailbox.

But for now, I try to keep my inner blah-blah-blah quiet as I ASK God what He would have me do each day.(Listening for the answer is usually the hardest part....)

Being diagnosed with breast cancer was not part of my plan, nor was it fun. But there turned out to be SO many more blessings than setbacks, and every day I try to have that "attitude of gratitude" and look for the blessings.

For whatever reason, today might be my last, and I want to know that I gave it my all, and experienced all it had to offer.

(And I really don't think this is the same as that sucky "All you need is a positive attitude to beat this thing" phrase that everyone who does NOT have breast cancer likes to say to us....)

truebff- You are in my prayers, as are all of us here on BCO.

Marybe - That is a good way to look at it - everyone on this earth is terminal, they just don't know what they are likely to die from.  I will try to think of it as you said - living with cancer - not dying from it.  But it is very difficult. I would not have made it this far without prayer to hold on to, but some days are just so difficult. For me the difficulty is more emotional than physical as my diagnosis, mx and tx were uncomplicated, and I did not need chemo or rad. I only had my mx November 1/11, but next week I have to go for my first followup MRI and the friend who helped me through the fall/winter, just called to say she is waiting for a surgeon to have a second mx after 12 years cancer free. I feel like if she doesn't make it I am doomed.  She has already been told it is the type that it is fast growing and waiting each day for lack of a surgeon must be hell on earth for her.

I'd like to make the observation that two posters in this thread --who gave wonderful, comforting advice-- have since died. Inexplicably, it makes me think death can't be so awful after all.

I too had those feelings I would constantly think about dying and after a while I stopped and thought to my self God just sent me the man of my dreams after a 15 yr dry spell after my first marriage and I said to myself I want to live and be with this wonderful man who asked me to marry him and still wanted to marry me after he saw me bald and so sick, so fight I did, (we) did for with out him by my side it would have been a struggle, I wanted to live and LIVE i,ve done, I am now 18 yr Survivor(Praise GOD) we all must die BUT live while you can keep HOPE. msphil idc,stage 2,3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen. You will be glad you chose LIFE  

I was diagnosed while preparing to get married, and I didn,t want to die,I thought that way for awhile I had my cry and then I decided to have Faith and think Positive thought while goin thru my treatments, I had a wonderful support team who encouraged me, and lifted me up and now my Survival makes me continue to Inspire others to fight the good fight. I believe in the higher power and asked to please give me the strength to get thru this and Praise GOD) I am now a 19 yr Survivor this year. So don,t think about dying think Positive about living and fightin to Survive. We are all in my prayers Daily. msphil(idc, stage2, 0/3 nodes,L mast, chemo:adriamycin, cytoxin,5Fu, rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen)

Hi all - I have felt the same way , I think it is part of the process , the fear of the unknown. I cried for awhile & was more scared of what would my children do , then for myself. Then one day I woke up & said that is just enough, God still  has be here & there is a reason he wants me to walk this road, & it is not to sit here & cry about it. So here is what I started to do

-Stay CLOSE to my Lord all during the day, I have always done devotion time, but now that increased. I also months before had started a grateful journal to write down 1,000 gifts that I am thankful for (1,000 gifts is a book) I think God was preparing me before hand for this. I put scripture up around my house where I can keep it in my mind throughout the day. another big thing to me is music, right now a girl Kari Jobe has been my go to music. She has a song called "healer", you can check it out on you tube.

-I look for oppurtunities to share about my wonderful Lord with others, you will meet lots of people at the hospital who are in need. I already was blessed to share with a secretary during my xray visit. She asked me to come back to let her know how I'm doing. I did drop off a card for her with tracks inside. I find when you don't know how to get past "yourself" , look what you can do for someone else & it usually makes you feel better. Even an email if that is all you can do.

-I LOVE my husband & Kids, I hug them, I tell them I love them. I have been blessed while I am recovering from surgery here too have long conversations with them lying on my bed & have mcuh time to read the Bible to them. That has been such a blessing, it helped me to slow down. I can't do very much right now, so focusing on relationships when I feel up to it is great.

   -I have my down times too, don't get me wrong. I am just trying my hardest to CHOOSE to look at the positive. Remember satan wants us to be fearful, that is how he controls us & keep us stuck. But dear sisters we don't need to fear for God has already OVERCOME this world, he is supreme & all powerful, he will never let us down now matter what path he chooses for us, we are all in his hands!!! And that is the best place to be!!!