Why is it so hard for some to accept a choice not to recon?

I'm halfway through reconstruction.  I don't regret the choice I made and am completely grateful that I had the possibility of making the choice.  My husband was totally supportive of my choice, but he also told me that he would be totally supportive of any choice I made including no recon.  His grandmother had a mastectomy and she would often not wear her prosthesis and laugh about it.  Because of that exposure with a woman he deeply loved, his grandma, he often told me "your breasts don't make you.  I didn't fall in love with them,  I fell in love with you."  Sweet guy. 

My son also talked to me about recon before I started.  He kept saying "are you sure you want to do that?"   The men in my life are special. 

The women in my life - sister, daughter, co-workers, etc. - they were the ones who said loudly and often "you're having reconstruction aren't you???"

I guess I'm telling this story, because in my life, I personally received much more pressure from women than men in regards to recon.

Wren, I also think I might have felt differently if I were younger. I am 48 and perfectly OK with being boob-less.

What surprised me is that I feel more feminine, not less, after the BMX. For me it has been quite powerful that I can feel and look completely female, even without boobs. 

Have to agree with the projection thing exbrnxgrl. I have noticed that since dx almost every woman I know has felt compelled to "share" with me what they would do/feel in my shoes.Nobody has a bloody clue what any of this feels like until they have walked the walk. Being breastless - being without any nipples or breast tissue - is not the same as being pre-pubescent/flat-chested/male.

Hi Englishrose!

Thanks for sharing your views, it is making my decision easier to hear I am not alone

I just consulted with a plastic surgeon today, who I thought was great and understanding by the way,  to see my options and decide if reconstruction is for me or not. I had already done tons of research. It is official, I just don't want to go through the extra recovery and I want to get on with my life Seeing her, the ps, just confirmed it for me. Now I can get my surgery date with the BS on the calendar! I am relieved to finally make a decision!

So, you recently had your bmx without recon? How is your recovery going? How are you feeling? I am hoping to have the surgery behind me soon.

Take care-

 Steph

Hi Carzypenguinfan,



So far my recovery has been good. Sill a little tender on the chest area, specially if I go out with my jacket and have too much clothing on. It seems that the rubbing of the clothing on that area is what bothers me, but not so bad that I can not stand it. My arms are still soar, but I have been exercising from the get go, even with my drains on, as requested by my bs. I have been walking on the thread mill, and trying to keep a little active so I do not get too rusty when I go back to work and the gym. As far as the flatness goes in does not bother me at all. I have been out to dinner already showing my flatness in all its splendor. I was not that big, nor flatchested to begin with ( I was a , but I hated bras with all my heart. I have to tell you I really feel great about my flat chest, and so does my husband. I still have not bough a prothesis. I will get one, since the insurance pays for it, for some type of dresses, but for my overall work days I will go completely flat. What I will have to admit will be a little weird, is when I retunr to work, and people start looking at my chest, since they know I am out due to breast cancer, and I know we humans are curious. It will be weird at first, but I just do not feel like wearing a prosthesis so other people feel good. Since I hated bras from the start it does not make sense for me to wear a prosthesis to work. I just want to be confortable when I work. Just my though, but I respect the righ of every woman to decide reconstruction, prothesis or flat.



One thing that I want to point out again is that, as I mentioned in my previous post, if you decide to go flatchested, make sure you talk to your bs about how the scars will look, because the fact that you do not want reconstruction does not mean you do not want a nice looking tight chest. I hope everything works well and you can make the desicion that works for you. The website breastfree.org helped me a lot when making my desicion. They have pictures of women and how the insicions will look with no reconstruction, so you can visualize if this is what you really want.

Melly -- this so called "medical Professional" was way out of line IMO and I think I would seriously consider a filing a complaint.  Bad enough when patients have to hear and put up with "the STUPID things people have said to us" (other forum) but this should not be tolerated coming from care givers IMO. 

PS - I also have a hard time with IVs and needles in my hands now.  I was stuck "8" times by 3 technicians attempted to prep me for my MUGA scan.  Screwed up my hand for nearly a year with nerve pain after they dug around trying to find my bad veins.  Now someone only gets 2 tries before I kick them out of the room to get someone with better IV skills.  We should not have to be polite and accept this behavior IMO........

My BS wanted me to see a PS prior to my BMX for a consult. I was going to play along just to be a "good" patient but decided against the consultation. There was only 1 PS "in network" within an hour's drive. That PS is quite old & if I was going to really consider recon, I'd go out of town for it. I just called my BS office & told her I wanted a BMX without recon & she was OK with it. She actually didn't push recon at all. But after surgery she kept trying to give me a presciption for "prosthesies(sp)". I kept telling her I wasn't interested.

The medical person that bothered me the most was the nurse I had at the hospital after surgery. At one point I started crying & she tried to be sympathetic & tell me I could have recon later..... but the reason i was crying was because I was glad it was finally OVER!

crazy penquin- I have had surgeries in the past & never felt as scared as I did prior to my BMX. I also had a lot of delays, mostly insurance authorizations & scheduling issues. I was diagnoed Feb 2011 & had my surgery early April 2011. I do believe these delays were excessive & only increased my fears. I was really, really relieved when it was over. Take care, sending good thoughts & well wishes.

Just now reading some of the newer posts! I forgot to while I was freaking out! thanks for all the info and support about the actual surgery  and recovery I can do this!

I am from the worcester, ma area, in the western burbs , I am having my surgery at MGH. Had a few issues locally that did not make me feel very confident to have major surgery there... have lots of friends who were really happy with Brigham and Womens.

Love the support on here

crazypenguinsfan I'm originally from the Boston area. My mom just had major back surgery (two 8 hour surgeries within 5 days) last spring at MGH. She's doing great. Both MGH and Brigham and Womens have excellent reputations for breast cancer.

CLC:  I have been noticing and thinking something else about this for some time now.  In the last year or so I have been seeing articles about the number of women having recon not meeting the establishment's expectations.  Presumption being, that surely we couldn't possibly have "chosen" no recon, so must be not enough education, availability, or something.  I am suspicious that institutions are looking at the numbers and the orders are going down that they better get the numbers up.  Therefore it becomes a ram down.  I am sure many of them are "true believers" that think they are doing it for our own good, again like we are helpless children instead of very capable women.  Makes me FURIOUS!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I want recon readily available for any woman who wants it and I certainly do not want to put up any road blocks to them getting it. I just want to have each and every one of our decisions respected and honored.

Barbara

This is a very interesting discussion.

I had a breast reduction at age 48, 3 months after having a clean mammo and breast u/s.  My PS found my tumour. - so for 8 weeks I had nice perky boobs, then the right one came off.  I decided I did not want immediate reconstruction, and then afterwards saw a couple of PSs who specialized in reconstruction breast surgery, as my original PS did not.  The first PS I saw told me my skin was "tighter" than most, because of the original reduction, there was less skin to work with.(although I do not feel "tight"). This could restrict a good outcome, I was told.  Another PS recommended the lat.dorsi, which I did not want to do.  Another recommeded an implant, again I really did not want to do it.  I was, and still am, skeptical of the pain involved, failing implants, etc.  I feel I have been through enough.

 My oncologist told me that because I was relatively young at diagnosis, he would "not be against reconstruction" for me.  I think he put it that way because he could see I really was not that interested.  He told me had seen many excellent reconstructed breasts, but that it's not for everyone.

I have a great prosthesis, a separate one for swimming, and I feel totally fine. My BFF and my own mother have asked me to remind them "which side" again because I look so natural.  Yes, I would like to have cleavage, but not at the expense of feeling good.  I'm not saying "never", but at this time, I doubt it.   For all those idiots out there who make remarks, I say, unless you've been through what I have, you cannot possibly know anything. You just can't.  There are too many variables, between the physical, the emotional and personal relationships (with DH/significant other)... everyone is different, every case is different.  For those women who choose to reconstruct, that is their option.  For those of us who choose not to, that is ours.

You know, I have thought about fighting with the accupuncturist, or writing up a complaint. But I can't. I don't want to spend my time on that.

I have to fight my insurance instead, they are pulling a fast one, first telling us, they deny coverage because my bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction was medically unecesasary.  Then they changed their minds to, my plastic surgeon is out of network. I wonder what it will be next.

A question: I had UMX without recon on Feb 22, still have drains. Right now it looks pretty brutal. Will the appearance improve? I've seen pictures a year or two later that look just fine, but what will it look like in 6 mos or 12 mos? Anyone remember?

Thanks for sharing. That will be OK. I felt better this morning when I realized some of the discoloration is probably betadine.