Anyone wanting to adopt or foster after treatment?

Options
christina0001
christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
edited June 2014 in Young With Breast Cancer
Anyone wanting to adopt or foster after treatment?
· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited February 2012

    I would like to talk with some women who want(ed) to have biological kids (or already have some, but wanted more), but are choosing to let this go in light of their diagnosis and treatment. This has been one of the hardest parts of all this for me.

    DH and I married this past November. He has one son, I have no children. He had a vasectomy years ago and we were going to have it reversed this spring, and start trying for kids this fall. Now, forget it. My onc was willing to send me to a fertility specialist to talk about IVF, but personally I feel like I am going to have enough crap done to my body. Also she gently pointed out that after all this other stuff is done, I am going to have to go on estrogen-suppressing medication for 5 years, and that will put me at age 38. I'm not comfortable starting to try to get pregnant at age 38. I know many women do it and their kids are just fine, but I would be too scared. Finally, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 45, I was diagnosed at age 32...I don't have my genetic testing back and it might come back fine, but if I had a daughter and she were diagnosed I would feel awful.

    So when we get through this, we will be looking at adoption, maybe fostering.

    Is there anyone else out there feeling like this?

    No disrespect but I really don't want to hear from anyone pushing IVF or other treatments. I am not overly religious but I feel like God is putting me on a path that does not include biological children. I am hoping to find support from women who feel like I am feeling, and women who have gone through this and adopted or fostered.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • MiniMacsMom
    MiniMacsMom Member Posts: 595
    edited February 2012

    Christina:  I am of a like mind.  We have one son and chose not to do fert preservation.  I have always been concerned that BC will now make us an "unattractive" family for adoption.  I sure hope not, but has anyone been successful? I am only 10 weeks into my chemo so I have along ways to go before we can really start thinking about it, but I love to know and research things in advance.  :)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • chef127
    chef127 Member Posts: 891
    edited February 2012

    Christina,

    I'm not in the same situation as you. I do have 2 grown children and they are going on their way. I do often concider fostering a child that needs stability and care. I don't know if the bc dx would hamper that. Why should it. 

    You do have a son who you are responsible for and I assuming you take care of him and help him grow. you are a mother.  I am single middle-aged, and don't think an adoption is an option for me. However fostering would add a lot to my life. Biology does not a mother make.

    Adoption is a great way of fulfilling that role for a woman. If I were you I would do it.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Sherryc
    Sherryc Member Posts: 5,938
    edited February 2012

    Christina I am not in the same boat as you but when DH and I married he too had had a vascectomy which we had reversed and I had some female issue.  When we sat down and spoke to the Doctors about our options at the time we only felt we would go so far and IVF was not part of that plan.  We decided if God choose for us to have a biological child we would if not we would adopt.  My MIL was adopted and one of my best friends gave a child up for adoption so I have seen both sides of it and I have always had a soft spot in my heart for adoption.  I love my stepkids as my own so I knew that I could love an adopted child with no problem. God did bless us with a biological child, it took some work but it happened.  Good Luck and do what your heart tells you to do. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited February 2012

    I am glad to hear that I am not alone! I hope perhaps others out there might chime in with their experiences. I think having something to hope for will help me get through this. I was always open to adoption and fostering; I just assumed I would have the opportunity to have children biologically first.

    MiniMacsMom - I also worry that a history of cancer will make us less "desireable" parents for adoption. I don't know if that is true, but I have had that thought and it is scary to think of. I'm sure we could still foster but adoption agencies can be picky I hear. I am a planner too. :)

    chef127 - lol my stepson is a young man in his early 20s with a wife, a home, and two very young children of his own. He is a wonderful young man, very responsible, respectful, and hardworking. We get along well and he and DH are very close, but stepson and I really have no contact or relationship outside of when DH is around. I think he had just graduated high school with DH and I started dating...he has a mom, had a stepmom before me, and at this point in his life isn't looking for a new mommy obviously. I do enjoy the two little ones though. :)

     Thanks for the encouragement Sherry.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Cucho
    Cucho Member Posts: 42
    edited February 2012

    I was also diagnosed recently at age 32 w triple positive bc, and im also waiting for my genetic test to come back.. Adoption is a decision I would also like to feel good about, I like the idea of it a lot...but I think it would be even harder in my case as single and that on top of the breast cancer diagnosis...so that is partly why I want to do fertility preservation, despite the unknown safety of it. I think you are making a responsable and extremely difficult decision to start thinking of adoption.I know how hard it is so congratulations for chosing a clear path for yourself. There are so many children in need of familise and I think that as a married couple, international adoption in particular should not be too difficult.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited February 2012

    I googled info over the weekend...apparently this is a more common issue for women coping with ovarian cancer (which makes sense). I found several posts that indicated that in most cases, if your doctor will write a letter saying you are cured or in remission, it is usually not a problem to adopt after going through cancer. There might be some agencies and foreign countries that have a problem with it, but overall it is very doable. That was really reassuring to me.

    Cucho from what I have heard, it can be a little more challenging to adopt as a single woman. I don't blame you for keeping your options open. You have to do what feels right in your heart.

    I spoke with my younger sister yesterday about adopting. She was completely shocked and thought I was nuts for not wanting to do IVF. She is young (29 years old), no children of her own...she just didn't get it at all. It hurt a little that she wasn't too supportive, but I think she just can't relate.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • velutha
    velutha Member Posts: 102
    edited February 2012

    I am 32 with one child, I thank God every day that he's a boy! we've talked about adoption down the road. In my house, the issue is more age/ race than whether my health would affect our options. I'd like to do a domestic adoption of an older child/sibling group, and my DH would like to adopt an infant from his native Country.

    Obviously, in the middle of treatment, that conversation is not a priority for either of us. I think my DH would be interested in fertility tmt if I was, but he won't push me to try. I've told all my MDs I'm not interested in any extreme measures to get pregnant. Frankly, I found my first pregnancy to be tolerable at best, and now I think I'd be terrified.

    Older people, crazy people, all kinds of people seem to be able to adopt. I don't think your diagnosis should be an issue. Actually, if your marriage is strong after treatment, social workers should see you as a dream couple, already tested and proven.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • 30yomamma
    30yomamma Member Posts: 6
    edited March 2012

    We hope to adopt after all this mess. We have one daughter 22 months old. We will wait till I'm cancer free 2 years then look into adoption. It gives me something more to look forward to!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • jenlee
    jenlee Member Posts: 504
    edited March 2012
    Not quite on topic since we adopted several years before my diagnosis, but wanted to give some words of encouragement about adoption.  I married my husband when I was 39.  I always wanted to adopt, but we also decided to try for a biological child, and agreed to try for both. We did two IVF's and one miscarriage occurred while we were already interviewing adoption agencies.  I was not compelled to try again, because I was really feeling like adoption was what we were meant to do.  I can say without a doubt that the single most wonderful thing that has happened in my life was becoming a mother to my daughter through adoption.  My daughter is the light of my husband's life too (he who was a tiny bit unsure of adoption).  My husband did have a prior serious medical issue and he provided a physician's letter stating that he had been in remission for however many years it had been.  I have heard of other cancer survivors becoming foster & adoptive parents, so I don't think you should be discouraged at all!
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited March 2012

    Thanks for the positive posts. This is one of the things I hold on to, to get me through this! :)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • sanbar8771
    sanbar8771 Member Posts: 281
    edited March 2012

    Christina, Im 34 years old and do not have children. My DH and I decided to not have children because the risk is too great. I want to adopt but I am not sure if the system will let me adopt after I had cancer. I am only 2 years out from DX so I still have some time before I need to make a decision.  I am not sure what the laws are on this. Do you have any ideas? I live in California btw.

    Julie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited March 2012

    sanbar I cannot speak from experience, but from what I have learned from others, it is entirely possible that you can adopt. I don't think there are any laws saying you cannot, but instead it will depend more on the adoption agency you go through, if you even use an adoption agency. The best advice I can give you is when you and DH are ready, consult with an adoption agency and/or attorney; you may want to consult with more than one. Many agencies will be happy to work with you, but just know that as a part of the process they will want to eventually have documentation from your physician that you are medically stable, in good health, etc. You might want to talk to your doctor about this at your next appointment and confirm that he or she will be agreeable to completing whatever paperwork is necessary when the time comes.

    Best of luck. Keep us posted!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • stephN
    stephN Member Posts: 284
    edited April 2013

    This topic is a year old, but I thought I'd respond since we are in the process of foster/adopt.  I was up front with them about my cancer treatment, but honestly, no one had a question about it.  You're required to have your doctor sign a form that says you are healthy enough to parent and it tells what medication you are on and why.  I had no problem getting the form signed, even though when we were going through the process to get licensed, it had been less than a year since I was diagnosed.  

    I'm not that young--I was 42 at diagnosis--but I will mention that I find the physical aspect of parenting harder now.  My joints are achy and it takes me a while to get going, but our baby doesn't care.  She has been such a joy to us after the last couple of years.  So, if you are still thinking about adoption or foster/adopt, I say go for it!  It's the hardest and easiest thing we've ever done!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories