Aging Parents Anonymous

Otter, I'm so sorry to hear this sad news. I'm glad you have your family with you, and that your father's end was peaceful.

May G-d send you comfort.

Leah

Otter,

So sorry to hear about your Dad. A hard thing no doubt, but I am glad that they fact that he passed peacefully, surrounded by family gives you some comfort.

*susan* 

Otter, I am so sorry. No words are enough. Be glad you had him as long as you did. Be glad he had hospice care. I wish someone had told me to get hospice for my dad, even though he died peacefully and was talking to me right up until the last five breaths. I still catch myself thinking " I'll call my dad and ask him ." I am sure you will have moments like this too. I still tear up even though it has been almost ten years.

My heart is with you. Much love, my friend.

Otter...You have my sincere sympathy in the passing of your father.

He has entered a new beginning of a new life. A better one by far......thinking of you...always.

Karen, I am SO glad you will be with your parents soon. I am sure your mom will feel so much relief while you are there and can help out, plus make decisions, etc. Can hardly belive this time has come already...when you first mentioned seeing them in Feb, it seemed so far away. Do you mean your mom wants you to help them decide whether or not to come to Denver for Passover? It seems like that would be very hard for them to fly there by themselves, since he is incontinent again and I guess also confused. I could see it more, if they flew with you, but that would mean another trip there for you, both ways. Boy, it sure gets confusing when our parents need our help, but are far away. Thank God you will get to see them soon! My parents return here on the 27th, so that is why I am trying to get my surgeries out of the way. But having 2 procedures this past week was pretty hard on me. I still have a low-grade fever and had another scare today, but now I think it will be okay. Whenver I have medical probs, I worry about my parents and if I was unable to help them while they are here.

Hang in there, Karen! You are doing the best you can, and I know your parents appreciate all the help you give them. Hoping your visit will be a good one! Keep us posted on everything, ok?

Hugsssssss,

Kathy

Thanks Karen, This morning I finally felt normal again...yay! (But still on antib's and having to have clear liquid diet....not fun!). Talked to my mom and told her I got tix to take her to a funny musical (Motherhood the Musical) in March, and she was excited. Also said she might want to go to more art classes, so I am really hoping she will be able to do things like that! They get here on the 27th.

SAFE travels overnight! I was just thinking.....if the counselor is trying to get your mom to place your dad in a facility and your mom is not liking the idea, THEN do you think she might reconsider having someone come in to help out? If she realized she HAS to do something, maybe you will be able to help her figure out what she and your dad would be happiest with. Just a thought. Hope your trip goes well, and you will be able to help her make some decisions!! And enjoy your time with them, and give them some hugs from us!

Hugsssss,

Kathy

Hope you are now safely at your parents house, Karen! (And glad your mom prolly let YOU drive!). The play and dinner out Sat night sounds like fun! Yeah, I knew your mom didn't want anyone in their home, but I just wonder which option she would prefer...having your dad placed somewhere, or have someone come in? Hard decision, and hoping she will let you help her make that decision, so it will be easier on her in the long run. Enjoy them while you are there! Hope the weather will be nice too, that will be a bonus!!!

Hugsssss,

Kathy

Karen, Sounds like you have a good assesment of things. Esp telling your mom that she needs to think about scenarios before planning events. Prolly hard for her to accept this, but it is a fact, and by you mentioning those things to her, will help her realize it. Too bad she doesn't have anyone else to talk to except counselor, and you, but you are being a BIG help!!! WIth my parents, since they are in their 90's, most of their friends have passed, so they only have much younger friends, and no one is in a similar situation. So I feel like you in a way, because I try to explain things to them and help them realize their limitations. EXCEPT they keep doing too many things! My mom is so anxious for them to get here (about 10 days), but then worries about having to go back. And I think my sister bought them tickets to something or other that my mom said would make them have to return sooner.....my answer...give the tickets back to her and let her use them! LOL. Because the sister DOES NOT help them at all...expects them to do things for her, and is an hr away. Hoping my dad will let my mom stay as long as she wants, this time.

I wish you could go to the concert with your mom, and have someone come in to watch your dad. Is that a possibility? Even a neighbor, just for an evening? OR is there someone she knows that would want to go with her? Hope today goes well!!!

Kath

Karen, are you leaving on Monday? IF SO, is there anyway you can get to a facility and have him evaluated tomorrow? Sounds like your mom just needs someone to say "This is what we have to do". She does not want to make "that" decision, but seems like she realizes that is what is needed. I am so sorry for all your frustration, and I am not there yet, so only living it thru you. If you can't get him evaluated while you are there, perhaps you can set up an appt, and the counselor can go with them? I hope someone could go with them, to help support your mom and let her know she is doing what is best. Best of luck! We are ALL here to support each other, and I am so glad Althea started this thread. I am sure I will have more questions, and need more support once my parents get here too. Hang in there, and do what you can, as everything you do is helping them!

Karen - You're doing all the right things in researching he help your parents need. It is so understandably difficult for them when the whole world they know and love changes. We've helped my own parents and my DH's parents navigate through the whole declining health/abilities thing. We found it's more an evolution than a one-step process.

There are agencies that specialize in providing care-givers who will come to your home to help. Even though there was resistance at the start, our parents warmed to the people and appreciated the help once it was there. Their PCP should be able to provide a list of quality services. Eventually your Dad may need to move to an assisted living or other facility. Can you get him on the waiting list for the place that is full now but in their community? 

I'd give their PCP's opinion the most credibility. Take things one step at a time. Sounds like Mom might be getting too isolated. If you bring in some help, she could get out to recharge her energy which in the long run will help your Dad too as she'll be better able to help him.

Bringing in help is something you can do now to buy some time to sort through Dad's needs and options.

Peace, strength and courage to you. 

I'm home....Overall it was a nice visit with my folks....Mom and I talked on the way to the airport and again when i got home....She is just so scared of what the future holds....She said to me, "I know I aggrevate you with constantly changing my mind"....no she doesn't aggrevate me with it, its just that I see it stressing her out....Its one small step at a time for her...one of their friends commented to Mom today that he tried to make small talk with Dad Saturday night and Dad didn't want to talk....and Mom said, I guess people are starting to notice a difference in him....I worry about Mom and kept telling her last night and this morning that she needs to get help...but she has trouble seeing the whole picture.....its like, giving up one thing won't help!!  I told Mom that she needs to give up  some of the control....that maybe help in the home can be good as maybe they could take Dad to the pool instead of her, or take him for a haircut or whatever....Mom has done so mahy things for so many years....she has always done everything...but now she struggles with all the doctor appts and she doesn't like getting old....its just all the little things adding up.....I have no guilt in doing whats best for my folks...if Dad needs to be placed...I want whatever is best for Mom and Dad.....there are days Mom wants Dad placed and others she says he's not ready for it.....I think that placing Dad scares Mom....her life is changing so much....She wants to come visit me in Denver, but traveling with Dad might not be realistic anymore...they have always gone on cruises and that also may not be viable...Dad is sometimes incontinent...and guess who has the job of cleaning him up???  Well...I rambling....I so appreciate the comments/insights today  from Jo-5 and GabbyGall along with Wahine....As I said earlier its so nice to have you gals to vent to and get feedback....I wish Mom felt she had a support like this....Hoping she will go to a support group...but then again, I know I didn't like in person support groups......Hugs....

Karen, Just saw your post. Glad you arrived home safely!! Does your mom use the computer? My parents do, and I wondered if your mom does, if she would want to be part of an online support group? OR if you printed out some things for her that others in her situation have said? Well, I am still pulling at straws, just trying to think of something. I think JO-5's words mean a lot more, as she has been there, and has such good advice for all of us. Hugs to you too!!!!! Hoping your mom will be able to accept some help soon!

Good post JO-5! Yes, it does sound ideal to have both parents together in a facility, but I know mine would not go for that. Even though my dad is 95, I can't see him wanting to go anywhere like that. So far I am lucky though, as they are still living on their own. Prolly for my parents the thing would be for someone to come in and help out (or me while they are here). I love all your advice though, and I am tucking that info back into a corner of my brain for when I need it. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

Althea, Oh shoot I hate hearing that your mom had a setback with that med. Hope her dr will agree that the lower dose better suits her. Hmmmmm as for exercize, one thing came to mind and that would be a senior center. I think ours has exercizes for seniors, even those in wheelchairs or not able to move around much. Wonder if you have access to a senior center and can sit in on a class? OR maybe a senior center might know how to advise you on getting exercizes for your mom. Would be great if someone could come in! But if not, would she do them on her own if you were to show her some that she could do? I know that isn't any help, so hoping someone else will chime in!

My parents arrive here on Monday, and I was surprised my mom remembered a used decorative chest she bought before she left here at the end of Nov, which needs a lot of work. She actually remembered it, and is anxious to work on it! Boy I hope I can do things like that when I am in my 90's! The chest has a marble top that had a large chunk missing from the corner, so I used bondo and filled it in and painted it, as it is so heavy I didn't really want her to have to do that part too. Went to their house to clean today....got half done,  Can't wait to see them.

Oops, thunder storms just started,so I better get off the computer. Best to you all, and Althea, I hope someone has some advice for your mom!!!! (((Althea)))

Best to all you gals!

Kathy