Husband/Father not Helping out

4mymom06 · January 2012

Hello Ladies and Gents,

My mother has been fighting breast cancer non stop since May of 2006. As of right now her cancer is a Stage 4.I live about 40 minutes away from my mom but I help out as much as I can. My grandmother (her mom) helps out alot. 2 months ago my mother got laid off with benefits and pay for 3 years.........

My mother started having fine motor skill issues with her right hand around christmas eve and a brain mri confirmed that the left side of her brain is swollen. She has been placed on steriods to see if the swelling will go down. it is very hard for my mother to deal with not having full strength in her right arm. she cries when she drops something or cant do something with that arm/hand. the side effects of the steriods are really taking a toll on her emotionally and physically. she has been sleeping almost all day and all night and not getting enough nutrition. last wednesday I went over to my parents and I caught her trying to make her bed as she was in tears. she informed me that she had not eaten since the day before so of course I made her something to eat. she stays home alone while my father works and brings in money.

Sorry for rambling but let me cut to the chase!

last friday my mother attempted to hang some decorations for my baby shower and she attempted to use her right hand to hop up onto a ledge which caused her to fall straight back onto the floor. thankfully my grandmother was there and called 911 because my mother was non responsive.my grandmother called my dad and told him to come home asap and he said he was about 50 miles away from home working, my grandma said I dont care if you care 300 miles away from home you need to get here your wife needs you. well it took him awhile to get home but once he was home he barely paid attention to her. my aunt ended up coming over and helped out with house worrk and setting up.

yesterday my grandma called me and gave me an update on my mom and how my dad was being distant and not really being there for my mom when she needed help. so I called my sister and told her to make sure that my mom gets the helps she needs as well as to make sure she is eating all 3 meals.

Tonight my mother went to the grocery store and as she was bringing in the groceries she dropped a bag and it went every where, she started to cry and my dad just sat there while my sister immedately ran to help my mom. my sister told my dad he could of helped her out and he said well if she doesnt communicate with me then F$$$ her! I was absoutely furious when my sister told me about this so my grandma went and picked up my mom.

I honestly dont know what is going on inside of my fathers head and I want to be there for him and I want him to be better with my mom but our whole family doesnt know what to do or say because he will not say how he feels. any advice will help

guineamom · January 2012

Your dad kind of reminded me of my dad when my mom was terminally ill with OC. My dad is the typical male in my culture, ie he doesn't do any house work, he takes care of the family by bringing money home from his job. When my mom was weak from the illness, we hired a live in help, and that took lots of stress off me and my sisters because my mom is not in US but on the other side of the earth. We were "fortunate" in certain ways as financially, we were able to afford the live in help. We tried to go home as frequent as we could as we knew mom would not have much time longer. When we were home, we saw that dad went on with his usual schedule -- work long hours, after work, dinner, TV, bed. Though we weren't too happy about it, we knew in his heart, he cared and he was also heart broken. I think he was scared at the thought of losing his lifelong companion and hence doing everything he could to avoid the thought.

I still remember the day of my mom's funeral. That was the first time I saw my dad crying.

I think in general, men are not good in expressing their feelings. They hide their feelings in weird ways. Also, maybe have a family meeting to see how to solve the day-to-day stuffs. For eg, for our family, we absolutely hate having outsiders living in the family. However, as mom grew weaker, dad not helping out with housework and us not being able to be there every single day, we decided to hire live in help. Not the best solution, but at least it took the stress off everyone. We told mom to concentrate on taking care of herself and we pamper her when we could.

Sorry to make this post so much about me. Just wanted to share my experience. Do hope your family find a solution and things turn for the better.

christina0001 · February 2012

I agree with guinea...I work in healthcare and it is not unusual for people, particularly husbands, to pull away emotionally when their spouses are so ill. It can be part of anticipatory grief. I don't want to condone it. It's not a good way to cope, because obviously it is hurtful to your mother and the whole family.

Who is providing emotional support to dad right now? He is hurting too. I would suggest that whoever in the family is closest to him, make time for him, to be there for him to provide him with an outlet to vent. Could be one of you kids, could be a brother, might even be a close friend. Right now he may feel isolated from the family. If he feels "safe" with family again, he might be more emotionally able to help out more. Or he might not be. He just might not be able to handle it. This is when family is most important, that you all work together to help each other, however each person needs it.

Husband/Father not Helping out

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