January 2012 chemo

CharB22,

I am having a day just like you. Hazy, cloudy, nauseous, disgusting "metal" taste in my mouth... and watching my hair come out the way it does is not making things better. I chickened out shaving it off last weekend, hoping I could string along a bit longer. Yesterday, day 3 after AC #2, I woke up and had a bushel of hair in my hand. So I got the scissors and cut it just below the ear. - Then, last night, I woke up with a nightmare, thinking I lost all my hair at once on my pillow.... I can't believe I am being such a baby about losing my hair. When I was a teenager I would have done it on a dare at the drop of a hat.... :-)

Gosh, I hate to whine, but I hope you gals understand. I don't want to "unload" on my kids, and hubby, because I don't want to worry them more then they already do. But it sure gets hard "pretending" everything is better than it is sometimes. :-(

FLDREAMER so good to hear from you. Nice that you could get a little vacation. The weeks before I started hubby and I went out to dinner more times than we had in the whole 5 years we have lived here. I also took several days just for my self to window shop and visit the holy sites here in Jerusalem. Hopefully your daughter will survive your illness. Perhaps it will help her to fend for herself a bit more? Or someone else can pick up the loose ends for you. I certainly hope so because you need to take care of yourself.

CharB22 I also crashed. But today is day 7 and I'm feeling much better. Not going to run any races but don't have the terrible lethargy. I'm having skin numbness, face and lips . Very strange feeling. Chemo is certainly not boring!

I"m still waiting for the hair to go. Did find a few little strands on my pillow this morning.

Peggy

Nancy - I've also been looking at the radiotherapy SEs and am so not happy with the whole cooking my breast and underarm (1 positive node) thing... I'll need to find an answer by June.



regards Jenn

Re: Rads.  All I know is that my friend who had Rads said they were not problem.  She wasn't even tired.  To me the downside is going daily for 5 weeks.  

Peggy 

Just caught up on reading.  Yeah I think the rads are a breeze after this chemical warfare and although I don't really want to do it, I will.

I feel so bad for all the girls that are having really bad SE. I just feel generaly crappy right now and know I am doing too much.  it is very hard for me to rest without incredible guilt.  I was soooo sick over weekend had no choice.  I havn't had a lot of nausea but when I do it comes over me quickly(too quick for med)  Almost barfed in stop and shop...lol (chemo is charming)

I agree with all of you that hate wigs!!! I am going to hospital to try on one I ordered last week but I swear I feel like Rue Paul in a wig.  Think I need to buy some scarfs and turbans.

Nancy - I had a slight allergic reaction to Taxol last week. Felt loopy then bad back pain for a few minutes but they are so cautious about the potential of allergic reaction with Taxol that I wouldn't worry if you are going to get it.  I get Benedryl and steriod with each infusion and the first was given very closly.  Each week they speed things up.

#3 is tomorow, then only 9 to go!!!!

Feeling so much better today. These ups & downs are crazy! Awful taste is gone...I can actually drink water today and it tastes ok.

As for rads...I think they can't be worse than the chemo, can they? I think being tired would be a welcome relief to being "sick." I'm going to get Emu Oil for the skin.

And kids....gotta love 'em. I walked my 11 yo to the bus stop this morning and he reached over and put his hand on my head and out came a clump of hair, which he had to show the other kids at the bus stop! I burst out laughing and said, "well, here's something for the birds to make a nest with." LOL...fortunately, I live on a small street and all the neighbors know what's going on with me...the other kids weren't too mortified.

I'm one week out from my first treatment and it feels like a month and a half. That means I'm a week away from treatment two, which will probably fly by. I keep thinking I should be having an easier time of it, but I'm just not. I've been wiped out since the day after my first infusion, and today doesn't seem much better. Now I'm wiped out from the bout with diarrhea that landed me in the ER the other night. All of this was getting to me in a new way last night - I felt teary and frustrated and restless, probably for the first time since this began.



My question for you all - have you been taking ativan at all to help with some of these darker moods? I'm leery of doing so because I've been in recovery for over twenty years and always suspect I may be looking for an easy way out of a feeling. But I've checked in with my sponsor (who, luckily for me, is a psychologist specializing in patients with serious illnesses - a crazy coincidence in our relationship) and her view is that chemo is a hard road, that anxiety is to be expected, and that we need to be at our best to make it through the treatment and have it be as effective as possible. In other words, she said I should take it. I'm curious how others have benefited, if at all, from Ativan. Naturally, what I'm now doing is making Ativan another source of worry instead of a tool to help me cope with all of these worries!

Annie

Annie-I take Ativan for the nausea and the nerves. I'm pretty naive to the effects of narcotics and benzodiazepine, so they typically hit me pretty hard. So far, the Ativan has performed as promised, lessened the nausea and maybe helped with anxiety. It in no way has made me feel euphoric, loopy or drunk in any way. If you feel comfortable, take it in small doses. It works for me on a couple fronts. Good luck.

Judy - Thanks for checking in mid-treatment. I hope you're resting up and have an easy couple of days.

GeorgiaRai - What a day for your first tx! I can't imagine port placement and all the hubbub of tx on the same day. Glad you're able to keep going to work a bit - I think it helps me keep my mind on things other than cancer and SEs. As for the period, mine came in ultra heavy and long the first two times. Now... I'm thinking my ovaries have given up the ghost.

Annie3310 - I hope the Ativan works well for you. You can always go over options with your doctor in case there's something that might be better for you if you're concerned. Rest up.

CharB22 - What a wonderful story! Kids are amazing. I hope they bring you lots of smiles amid the aches, pains and frustration over the coming weeks.

Sleepless - Don't feel like you have to pretend all the time. I just unloaded a bunch on my BF, nicely, but mainly to counteract the 'you're taking this so well' impression. As for us, vent away. Where else can we complain about constipation, fatigue, feminine itching and other issues, and all the other stuff that comes along with this.

Nancy - Wish I had some advice for you. I've heard mixed stories about rads and later treatments. Of course, let's hope that all that is a moot point because this chemo and the rads are going to kick those cancer cells out for good.

FLDreamer - Good to hear you're back, and that you gave yourself the gift of time off. Wishing you strength to deal with your daughters' situation, and the hope that maybe you can all find a new way of dealing with these challenges that helps you all.

I had a slight relapse today, feeling really exhausted while at work. I wasn't able to leave much earlier than usual, and I had sort of bounced back, but I slept for an hour when I got home and bagged a meeting I was going to attend tonight. Trying to keep up with work is going to become an increasing challenge. My boss is very understanding, but I need to figure out how to handle work that needs to be done, and who else can step in to pick it up if needed. 

Jenn - So sorry to hear about the the rough go at your second treatment!  This ia all so sad!  I hate how everything is so unpredictable.  From tx to tx it seems we can't count on anything anymore.  Just makes me want to crawl under the covers and not come out again.  Sending you a very gentle cyber hug ((((((JENN))))))  

Rachelvk - Sounds like you are getting worn out too.  While work certainly is good for keeping your mind off of C, it can be very exhausting!  Unfortunately, as we put on our game face, our coworkers and supervisors unwittingly begin to think of us as 'well'.  As much as we would like that to be true, we still have this Little problem of being filled with poison on a somewhat regular basis.  Kind of hard to be 'well' while parts of our body are falling apart.

I think the hardest part of working while in treatment, for me, will be letting others take over some of my responsibilities.  We just began our third quarter at school and I insisted on taking back two classes (Yoga & Health) that were removed from my teaching schedule when I went on medical leave for surgery.  My boss was a little annoyed with me since he knows me well.  He only agreed since I promised I would let someone cover on my 'bad' days.  But I feel so guilty.  My coworkers give up prep periods to cover my classes and I know how precious these preps are in our busy day.  They did this for the 6 weeks I was out on leave.  It is so hard to ask for help or accept it when needed.  Unfortunately, I think I will be practicing this skill often during the next 2 months.

kameli16  Thanks for that link.  They look interesting.

Rachelvk -  Work takes my mind off of things as well but some days it is hard to keep up.  My two coworkers have been wonderful helping me with my students when I don't have the energy to go up and down the 4 flights of steps to pick them up.

Judy67  Hope the rest of the day was uneventful for you

Jennt28  Sorry you had a rough time

 Janetanned  Thanks for sharing that link - interesting article  Nothing would make me happier to have them come up with something so my girls never have to go through this

Jennt-ugh! So sorry that you're feeling so bad. If you can muster up the energy for good thoughts, just keep repeating, "it will get better, it will go away." and sleep as much as you need. Feel better!