Emotional trauma around tests

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Hi everyone,

I've hit 1.5 years cancer-free.  And now...I find that I have serious emotional issues around tests.  I did a mammogram, and they thought they found a new lesion.  It was totally out of my control:  I had a panic attack.  Today, I was waiting for my MRI results (no mets, but a host of other issues like a possible bone infection, ugh) and I nearly threw up while I was trying to get through to the doctor.  Now, I'm waiting for test results from my dermatologist.

I feel somewhere between a physical road wreck, and being marked for deletion Frown  I feel so unlucky, scared, confused...I am having a hard time getting my life back.

I was doing great, but have found myself getting a lot of tests, which is what is bringing this all up.

Comments

  • Kaara
    Kaara Member Posts: 3,647
    edited January 2012

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  I think we all know when we are dx with bc that we could be looking at additional concerns down the road.  I am just through my surgery and have opted out of rads so I know I am somewhat higher risk for recurrence.  There are no guarantees for anyone.  The main thing is that we get our check ups on a regular basis and quickly follow up on any symptoms that are suspicious.  Stay on a healthy diet and keep our immune system in optimal condition to help fight off this dreaded disease.  Unfortunately, it is what it is.  What we have to do is keep control of our emotions, and not cause ourselves additional stress, as that is not good for our bodies.  It's ok to be upset when these things happen...that's normal...then we pull ourselves together and move forward.

    There is some really good news out there now about bc vaccines that are in the development stage.  If we can hold on and stay healthy, we can hopefully take advantage of those when they become available.  I'm praying that your tests all go well and you have a positive outcome.

    Sending you positive energy!  Keep the faith! 

  • lissette4801
    lissette4801 Member Posts: 5
    edited January 2012

    hello

    yes i understand everything you goin thru but i always beleive ** as long as we could breath we will flow until we are able to swin again> sometimes i sit with my kids and i just stared at them and then i run to my room and just cry but i get back up clean my face and cont my fight we didnt ask for this but hey is here and we are going to beat this lie CALL CANCER..hang in there try meditation it helps your soul we need to take good care of us and worrying doesn help

    faith beleive in god he is thre best doctor

    good luck

  • lissette4801
    lissette4801 Member Posts: 5
    edited January 2012

    hello

    yes i understand everything you goin thru but i always beleive ** as long as we could breath we will flow until we are able to swim againLaughing sometimes i sit with my kids and i just stared at them and then i run to my room and just cry but i get back up clean my face and cont my fight we didnt ask for this but hey is here and we are going to beat this lie CALL CANCER..hang in there try meditation it helps your soul we need to take good care of us and worrying doesnt help

    faith beleive in god he is thre best doctor

    good luck

  • bookgirl
    bookgirl Member Posts: 128
    edited February 2012

    I totally understand the anxiety. I have it based around any medial test, scan and now even just a visit to the doctor. I am fine until it is time for check ups and testing, then I have to pull out the ativan and practice all the self calming techniques I have ever learned. I keep getting odd test results (so far all have been lab error, knock on wood) But my mind still jumps to the worst place possible. I just wanted to let you know what you are feeling seems to be normal and you are not alone. Breath deep and try to find peace. Good luck

  • crystalphm
    crystalphm Member Posts: 1,138
    edited February 2012

    I have alot of emotional trama around tests also, I even get very upset when I have to see the breast surgeon. One thing that helps me tremendously is learning how to meditate...mostly remembering to deeply breathe while waiting and during tests. And i also have medication to take for anxiety as needed, it can be just too much somedays.

    In my own case, I was cancer free for 18 months when 3 places showed up in my other breast. After 3 terrible tests, I decided to have a second mastectomy, (no cancer!!) . And while it has brought me more peace, I still relive those horrible days of hearing I had cancer.

    Time helps, meditation helps, talking about it helps and most important, seeing your doctor helps.

  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited February 2012

    (((LtotheK))).  All I can say is, we get it.  It makes me want to cry knowing what you've been going through.  And, although many days are better the further away you get from dx & tx, I don't think we ever totally get over the emotional reaction we have to tests.  It's understandable why you or any of us would feel terribly vulnerable and like everything is on the verge of spinning out of our control again.

    I'm sorry this one's hit you so hard.  Hopefully when all is said and done there will be nothing too concerning, and that will make the next go 'round easier.  In the mean time, just know that we understand and care.    Deanna

  • minxie
    minxie Member Posts: 484
    edited February 2012

    I have the same issue and I take the easy way out - avoidance. The last test I had was a thyroid biopsy 2 years ago and I just about lost my mind imagining that the lump on my thyroid was metasticized BC. After that I said - no more. I did not go for my follow-up thyroid biopsy 6 months later. The only thing I've had done in 2 years is a CBC.

    I have anxiety attacks just looking at diagnostic imaging machines. One of my biggest fears is that I'll break a bone and need an x-ray  - and then might find mets.  Honestly if I broke a bone I probably wouldn't go to the hospital at all.

    I know it's probably not the healthiest attitude, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone!

  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited February 2012

    Oh thank you all so much.  This is exactly what I needed, just to be understood.  I just did a long yoga DVD, and I'm back to understanding I don't have any control over the test results.  I had a hard day, I feel like sometimes people don't want me to talk about my fear and anxiety around tests.  I think it freaks them out.  I don't think people understand unless you are in this position.

    One good take away: I think some Xanax for back up is a great idea on test days.

    And, yes--there is part of me that thinks all this ridiculous testing is bound to show results that just take us down a million medical paths.  I have have a mind to cancel about half my tests, too!

    Love to you all, thank you for taking the time to comfort me.  Minxie, I get it.  I really do.

  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited February 2012

    LtotheK, we're in the same boat. I posted a very similar thread yesterday. Everybody says that time makes it easier. Hope that is so! I cling to God and family to get me through each day. One thing about this beast is that it has made me realize what is really important, and what is total b.s. and a waste of time in this precious life.

    HUGS!!!!!

  • Denise2730
    Denise2730 Member Posts: 648
    edited February 2012

    I went to the oncologist yesterday for my 3 month follow-up and today I feel so depressed that I am still in my p.j.'s at 2:23 p.m.

    My bloodwork came back fine, told them I quit taking the Femara and won't take Tamoxifen but I have this weird depressed feeling when I go there. I wanted to slap the man in the waiting room next to me because he said "Dr. So & So is supposed to be the best and if he told me to stand in the corner on my head for 6 months I would do it". WTF? No wonder some of these onco's think they are God.

    Oh no, now I'm rambling & ranting. I was supposed to go the gym and work out especially since I didn't stick completely to my diet last night but I just can't bring myself to get up from my desk. I do know that "this too shall pass" but sometimes are tougher than others.

    My suggestion would be to take an anti-anxiety med like Lorazepam or if you smoke pot, do that. I haven't in over 30 years and never found it did much but some people swear it helps.  I try my Lamaze breathing also and focus on something so I don't have to think about what is going on or what will be going on when I'm having tests.

    Denise

  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited February 2012

    OMG I am not doing a whole lot better. Friday I had to have a completely unrelated x-ray done at my oral surgeon's office and I got totally upset and anxious. But yesterday I had a CT scan and managed to hold it together pretty well.

    I am ALL for xanax and really need to ask for a script!

  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited February 2012

    I went to my oncologist to discuss my MRI yesterday, and the first thing I did was ask for a Xanax script.  She was so compassionate, she said absolutely, and depending on what I need, we can go for something more long term if it continues to be a problem.  She also recommended seeing a therapist, so I may give that a whirl, too.  Currently, insurance doesn't cover her guy.

    As for diet, I had ice cream for dinner last night.  Hey, some days are better than others.  I've stopped beating myself up ad infinitum over that.

  • rosemary-b
    rosemary-b Member Posts: 2,006
    edited February 2012

    There is even a word for this, probably made up here, scanxiety. Some women can find enough comfort in yoga or meditation or exercise or other methods and others have gotten prescriptions for antianxiety meds. I find chocolate helpsSmile. Do what you have to do and remember it is normal.

  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited February 2012

    Oh, yes, I also wanted to add that I have started working with my yoga therapist again.

    Big hugs to every single one of you.

  • 1openheart
    1openheart Member Posts: 765
    edited February 2012
    I'm heading for a check up with my oncologist in a couple of hours.  I, too, have been dealing with anxieties and fears as this appointment draws near.  I am only about 9 mos into this journey and reconstruction is nearly complete, only the tattoo left to do.  From reading other posts on this site, I know that what I am feeling is very common for this stage of my recovery, but I still find it hard to be patient with myself.  Yoga helps.  I'm learning to meditate.  This site helps.  I keep asking myself what this experience is trying to teach me?  Patience?  Fearlessness?  If I can keep my mind and thoughts in the now...be truly present in the now....then I won't worry about the future.  Easier said than done!  Smile
  • 1openheart
    1openheart Member Posts: 765
    edited February 2012

    Good visit with doc.  No problems.  Scheduled MRI for April.  Hopefully we won't have to fight insurance company to get it covered.  Another onco.  check up down ~ at least 8 more to go (twice a year for 4 more years)

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