morbid thought

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  • kenyohunt1
    kenyohunt1 Member Posts: 53
    edited November 2011

    As a hospice nurse what I usually see is that the person going into hopice is trying to make things easier on the family and the family is trying to make things easier on the patient, but they do not talk to each other about it. When hospice does come in and help facilitate these conversations they both often find that what they were thinking the other person needed is completely wrong. When you communicate honestly and openly it makes things so much easier and lessens some of the stress of the situation. If I can help answer questions at anytime please let me know.



    One more thing kids often times know more and understand more than you think, talking to them and being open with them allows them to really share with you and often times allows them to have some peace with whatever happens. Making these decisions as a family allows the person that is dying to be at peace and allows family and friends to not have regrets because they will have to live on and I have seen people live with regrets it tears them up.

    I say all of this with the experience of caring for many, many families, but also as a hospice nurse with cancer. I hope I have not offended anyone in anyway, and again if I can help answer questions regarding hospice care please let me know. I love being a hospice nurse and pride myself on making sure my families ( I adopt all of the families I serve) do not have regrets.



    Prayers and hugs to all of you.

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  • usafmom
    usafmom Member Posts: 778
    edited December 2011

    Fitz,



    I know you started this thread almost two years ago. This is something just recently that I have started to think about..what does my family want? My disease isn't going so great right now so I'm feeling like all these questions are running thru my head. What kind of funeral? I feel like as mothers and myself being an air force wife for the last 24 years. I'm used to making all the decisions. But I want to do what honors them too. It was nice to read all the different perspectives here..I still think for me in my end days hospice will be best. I just can't personal imagine my husband walking back into our room that I passed in..I think it would be devastating to him.



    Hugs

    Kimber

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited January 2012

    I am a control freak and like to be in Control. But really, after we are gone, the rest is for them isn't it?

    I want a WAKE/party - wine, beer, good food.  I went to a wake for my friends who were murdered this fall. They had music and people told funny stories and sad ones. I liked it. It was packed!

    I like the advice kenyohunt1. I will ask my family when the times comes.  It will be a family decision for sure.  No matter what, I will try to make my final journey on this earth easy for all of us if I have it in my power.

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  • suz45
    suz45 Member Posts: 796
    edited January 2012

    This is also something Ive also started thinking about, I actually turned my sons old bedroom into an extra bedroom for me to use on my bad days.. Both dh & I like the set up as we both sleep much better now. We still have lots of close & cuddle time in our room, so thats full of good memmories, but this room I painted & decorated for just me... I havent really talked about it too much yet, but as long as it isnt too hard on them this is where I would like to be if Im not too sick when my times comes (thats one of the reasons I did it) It would also be easy for friends & family to visit or curl up beside me as its a queen size bed with tons of pillows.

    My sil (radiation nurse) brought up the hospice subject in Oct & my homecare nurse did the same a week ago... I wonder if there is more in my medical files right now than I  know. I stopped having them sent to me about 6 months ago. Guess Im trying to bury my head in the sand a bit.

    The new bed is exactly what feels good for me, I fall asleep the moment lay on it. The room almost looks like an old fashioned black & white photograph with a bit of wood & touches of red here & there. A very female type soul calming room. I feel a sense of peace wash over me the moment I walk into it. I painted it nebulous grey, its the color of those tall wind shear clouds. Its also right across the hall from our largest bathroom so no stairs to deal with & it would make it easy for a nurse to have access to all my medical stuff. Its also closest to the stairs for when they would have to take me out....

    That said I also think Id like a wake/party instead of a funeral. My personality has always the glass half full & make the best of anything bad... so a party would be much more fitting. I had a Scottish friend that passed this time last year (from cancer) & they had a great open house celebrating his life. I like that idea.

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  • Snoopsmom
    Snoopsmom Member Posts: 119
    edited January 2012

    My mother died in her bed nearly 8 years ago. She was on hospice because of recurrent pneumonia and told her Dr. she refused to go into the hospital for treatment next time it occurred, even though she knew it would probably be terminal if she didn't. The next time she got pneumonia, he put her on hospice for comfort care. I'm so glad she went quietly in her sleep in her own bed rather than in a hospital setting. She lived with me (I'm a widow and live alone) and after she died I sold her bedroom furniture and moved my things into "her" room because it's on the ground floor. I have had no problems with it...in fact, in a funny way it's almost comforting. There were no children involved, so that situation was not a problem. It's all a matter of personal choice.

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  • AlaskaAngel
    AlaskaAngel Member Posts: 1,836
    edited January 2012

    Hi,

    I don't want to hijack this thread but don't know where else to post exactly, so will just post and leave it for consideration.

    For those who have legally designated someone to have the authority to make any decisions you haven't made, or who have immediate relatives who take that on, that works.

    Recently a friend died who had no family. He failed to leave written instructions about what he wanted done with his body. One other person and I had a POA that provided us with legal authority to manage his health care while he was alive, but POA's end at death so we had no authority in making any decisions about his body after death. He had verbally told both of us that he wanted to be cremated. I had a certified copy of the documents showing that he, as the only child, had both of his parents cremated. The local PD did a search on a database they have, and it showed no living relatives.

    None of it counted. The mortician could not cremate him for us by instructions of the mortician's attorney, "just in case someone objected to it". I could not follow his wishes.

    Please remember to designate someone specifically to make that decision, or put it in writing.

    I chose a few things to put in the casket, and he was buried. I know there was nothing I could have done, but it still would have meant so much to be able to do what my friend wanted.

    AlaskaAngel

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  • Blinx
    Blinx Member Posts: 280
    edited February 2012

    Regarding the OP, my father had the same thought when my mother died. She had been in hospice care at home, in a hospital bed in the spare bedroom. He remembers that it was upsetting for him, when HIS mother, in the exact same situation, same bedroom, etc., was removed from the home by the undertaker, a few years before. So, when my mother died, he shooed us into the kitchen to spare us this sight. At the time I thought it was weird, but in hindsight, I'm glad that my last memory of her was of her was a peaceful one. Just let it be known that you want to spare your boys any upsetting scenes.

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  • suz45
    suz45 Member Posts: 796
    edited February 2012

    AlaskaAngel, Thank you, This is something that I need to start, A written will with instuctions in it as well to what I want done when Im gone... just need to figure out what that is Undecided How do we figure that out? I really dont have any idea of what I really want. not much of one anyway..

    Hugs Suz

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  • AlaskaAngel
    AlaskaAngel Member Posts: 1,836
    edited February 2012

    I'm glad if my experience with it helps anyone else.

    I'm 60 and I have never tried going to the senior center myself yet, but from time to time the senior center offers some sessions that provide general guidelines to help with conveying the proper authority to others after your death that is specific to your legal jurisdiction. Whether or not you actually are a senior citizen yet you could still attend and see if you could use any of the info they present.

    On the other topic -- I do think it can be helpful to family after the death to have some time away from seeing the practical preparation and moving of the body. It isn't that anything odd is done, it just is that it isn't easy to make that emotional transition that quickly, even though the actual practical tasks have to be done.

    I was the one who discovered my friend had died at home. I have some experience of with death, but not with a person I knew so well who died unexpectedly. I am thankful that the police had me leave while they moved the body out of the house to the mortuary. I was not outwardly emotional, but inwardly I was quite upset.

    AlaskaAngel

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  • Margi1959
    Margi1959 Member Posts: 178
    edited February 2012

    For what it's worth, they ask the family to leave while they are removing the body at a hospice as well.  When my mum passed in hospice, my daughter and I were shown into another room and then didn't see Mum's body again until they were loading her into the van to go to the funeral home. 

    I don't think I would want to pass away at home just so my family wouldn't have to clean up after me (upon death, most bodily functions....um...let go).  The thought of my daughter or hubby having to deal with that just chills me to the bone.

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  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited February 2012

    I would like to send you pm if thats ok fitz?

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  • michelshelpformom
    michelshelpformom Member Posts: 36
    edited March 2012

    Hi Fitztwins, i've been following you for sometime now, and I just love you. . . .you are so dear about talking about taking your dog with you. . .my mom is now in hospice, she is only 72 years old, and still so hard to handle.. i'm an only child trying to work and take care of her, i live in annap md and she in pit pa; dad and i just got hospice to come to house now. .she is not good. . i need to find a "post" about panic attacks and nausea whihle in hospice. Mom is on methadone, haldol and smoking liquid moraphine on ineubulizer. .anyway. .hugs to you, i enjoy reading your posts, and you are so young. .  . . .to be going through all of this. . i think i'm your age, but, I want my mother to pass at home, with us, not somewhere else. .you may think differently as your children are young, but luv to you, and hugs, M

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