This all seems to be going backwards, bit of a long rant...

I've only posted one other topic and I've sat and ignored, mulled, been frustrated and anxious so I'm coming to vent and hopefully feel better... and we all know an understanding shoulder is worth more than it's weight in gold!

On Dec 27 I had a lumpectomy.  Prior to that I had a stereotactic biopsy for an area that showed up on a mammogram as micro calcifications.  Since April 2011 I have had 3 mammos and 2 dx mammos. Not one picked up my tumor but ultrasound did in April and it had grown quickly between then and Dec.  

My GYN and surgeon both felt it to be a plugged gland (Montgomery?) and it would be a simple outpatient surgery.  Even with the history of an aunt on both sides of my family having breast cancer of  which my dear aunt on my father's side died of bc at my age.  anyway...  They figure it was probably nothing to be concerned about.  

Fast forward to Jan 4, I'm sitting in my surgeon's office and she comes in with my chart and says, "We need to have a talk, Sweetie".  I just looked at her and said, "I have cancer."  (I love my surgeon and she is a breast health specialist).  What else could possibly happen, I'm in the middle of a divorce, my "ex" refuses to turn over financial document, I'm unemployed (was a sahm for 24 years) and he closed the bank account and says he is paying bills.  I get about $300-400 per month to meet all my needs... oh, and the house he didn't pay on is now ready to be seized by the bank in 3wks and the car is going to be repossessed.  I have been searching for a pro bono lawyer (ha! they do not exist) and will be standing in front of a judge Tue morning to beg for filing fee waivers.... anyway,, that's a whole other issue in my life...  can I use the "f" word here??? because it is the only one I can say that feels goodn to utter... sigh..

Anyway, because no one suspected cancer (although I had been complaining of discomfort in my breast and under my arm for a few months but thought that with negative mammo's it was nothing to be concerned about).  She did excise tissue around the tumor but nothing else.

The dx is IDC but that is about all we know.  The path report I have is very basic, no details, just type of cancer and Histologic grad (Nottingham)... but I don't understand what it's saying.  I'm a detail person and this is driving me NUTS!  

I know I will have more answers tomorrow morning but for some reason today this is eating me alive!  The surgeon says at minimum I need to have more breast removed (my opinion, lop the thing off and her sister too!  Removed nodes for testing and radiation.  Depending on other factors which I have no idea completely what they are but I've been reading and my head is bulging, and wait for for the brca tests it could change the course of treatment.  I'd rather reduce my risks of future cancer-besides, after my divorce I will not have health insurance... oh, did I mention that in his frustration he spit out that the only reason he is working a job he hates is because I have cancer and need health insurance.  That at the first possibility he's quitting and out of the area so here's hoping this doesn't complicate both our lives for long... ummm... wtf??? (can I say that here?)... him and his little dog can leave town (well, not the dog, I'm keeping the terrorist terrier). 

My family and friends are going nuts with me.  I have been working so hard to try and get some divorce settling done... even on hold in a pattern but I don't know how successful I will be (we've been seperated for a year and have both moved on in certain aspects of our lives)... and cancer has seemed to take a backseat.  I grew up in trauma and have learned to disassociate things quite effectively... sigh... and this is what i've been doing with bc.  I cannot do that, bc needs to come first.  

It all seems backward... and in reality not much time has gone by but it feels like ages!!  I did have an mri last week and everything should be in report wise... I am blessed that I have adult kids (and nine grands) that are extremely helpful.  My 26 and 20 year old sons have moved back into the house as support.  I'm praying we still have it next month, I cannot imagine surgery, cancer treatment and no home!  My daughter is a gem and five minutes away and my oldest son is nearby with his dear wife and family.  

Maybe it works this way at times, what seems to be a simple thing turns into a life altering event.  It just seems so backward and everything taking so long but I think time stands still for those of us in such situations.  It just seems silly to have nodes removed, more breast when seriously... take it all, that is honestly how I feel, and take nodes too but maybe I'm being unreasonable??? sigh... 

Dulie's rant for Jan 29, 2012... probably one of many to come.

I hope I have not been out of line in I've posted.  If I have please give me a poke.