CANCER MAKES YOU CRAZY

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited January 2012

    you are all so wonderful... thank you for keeping your hearts and minds open.  i want to be for there for all of you as well.  

     Alison... you are a ROCK STAR!!!  You went back!  that, THAT gave me chills!  Chills and strength.  I'm learning from you.  From all of you.

    As for my dad, he has parkinsons and has been on a downward decline since 2002. He lives at home with 24 hour care.  He had a similar thing happen last year - he ended up in the hospital and then in a nursing home.  He was miserable. The care was less than acceptable.  I was thrilled when he rallied enough for us to bring him back home. He is still mobile and eats independently.  He was at my house over Christmas, enjoyed a good meal and laughed.  But its as though, somehow, he is aware of my diagnosis even though we have not told him.  He refuses to eat, and he's becoming very hostile.  Clearly he wants to die and I do not want him in the hospital. It will feel like torture to him and it will be difficult to watch.  I put a call into his doctor yesterday and he has yet to call me back.  I want him to die at home.  Yes, I need hospice's help.  I need the doctor to call me back so I can arrange that.  If I have to , I will go to his office tomorrow and sit in the lobby until I speak to him.

    Elimar, I know... I hear you.  Damn I wish I didn't love him. The irony in all this is that in reality, he is such a good, attentive husband. He would never cheat on me and I never even see him look at another woman but fantasy is his drug and he is an addict and without communication skills (yes, he will never change) we are doomed.  

    This weekend, he will be at his families for the big "intervention".. ugh.  Honestly, I hate being the bad guy.  Especially now.  

    But I am overwhelmed by the kindness people have shown me. It's a beautiful thing.  And I'm grateful that I still see humor - in myself and in others.  Today I was walking toward my car which was parked on the main road where all the trendy shops are. A meter man was placing a parking ticket on my windshield and I yelled, "please don't, please stop"  When he told me it was too late, he had already written the ticket I yelled, "but I have cancer!" and then I unzipped my top and showed him my bandage from yesterdays biopsy.  He took the ticket, crumbled it in his hands and said "I got this one" - he then listened to me talk about my crazy two weeks.  I told him everything - about my dad dying, my husband losing his job, and the insurance, my husbands fantasy issues, my cancer, my daughter acting out... Miraculously he didn't appear shocked, he did not show pity, instead he said... "Look me up when you're feeling up to to it. You know where to find me. Maybe we could go out, catch some dinner or something.  I'm a great listener and a good guy."

    My breasts don't feel like breasts anymore.  I guess its all the poking and squeezing and smooching and stabbing they've been through.  I am desensitised to them now Now they feel like "things"   ...things that hold cancer.  

    I went to see my dog groomer this morning.  I did not bring my dog.  I went to see her because she too is a cancer survivor.  She showed me her breasts. She had a double mastectomy 4 years ago.  the right breast had the cancer, the left had a B9 tumor.  The right breast was reconstructed from donated skin (from someone who died) and the other was her own skin.  The scars were severe. The positioning was not balanced.  The nipples were off.  She looked FABULOUS!  I can do this!!!  I can do this!!!  

     I think I should turn this into a blog post. Thank you all for listening, reading and making me feel sane and safe and happy.  thank you keeping me company.   MOnkeyLOVE!!!

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited January 2012

     Oh... and I got the insurance thing straightened out!!!  Cobra takes over 2/1/2012.  Company pays their portion, same as they did when he was employed, until the end of April.  After that, we can keep the coverage through cobra for 18 months.  but... I can keep it for 36 if I divorce him.. 

    hmmm....  

    hey, does anyone know if your odds of getting insurance after the diagnosis is better if you get a mastectomy verses, lumpectomy and then 5 years of tamoxifine and radiation?  That might sound stupid but it was just a thought.  

    and yes, I made up my mind the minute they said BREAST CANCER.  To me, and this is allllll about me, its a no brainer! Off with my breasts!!!

    For those of you who are kindly trying to tell me what you think I might not want to hear... a wise friend recently told me, what people tell you is more about themselves, then you.  

    Guess what I'm passionate!  I'm dramatic.  I'm flamboyant. I'm full of big highs and big lows -  always have been.  But I am NOT a bully and I am not violent.  Just to be on the safe side, I actually stopped at the police station and talked to an officer.  I told him the whole story.  I did not leave out one detail. He said if he had gotten a call from my husband they would not have arrested me.  He was not injured in any way.  When he hit the door it did not cause a bruise or a scrape or a scratch.  "If it were up to me" he told me, "I would have arrested him for mental abuse"

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  • maggiesuzanne
    maggiesuzanne Member Posts: 63
    edited January 2012

    Green Monkey...You Are Ok....you are intelligent and know this cancer thing is nothing to take lightly.......It is a very big deal...and you have my respect for being honest with your feelings in this forum........you are # 1 right now and you keep it that way and there are lots of us that want you to live thru this!!!

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  • momof3boys
    momof3boys Member Posts: 896
    edited January 2012

    Allison- I'm so glad you went back. I was in tears reading about how ignorant those women were. They should've embraced you. Kudos to you for going back and talking it over with the staff.

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited January 2012

    I checked the rules, the guidelines... its okay for me to tell you about my blog, as long as I'm not trying to sell you something, which I'm not, I'm just trying to keep my head on straight. 

    http://greenmonkeytales.blogspot.com/2012/01/table-manners.html 

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  • maggiesuzanne
    maggiesuzanne Member Posts: 63
    edited January 2012

    You do whatever it takes to keep your head on straight.....you are brave and know you are supported

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  • dogeyed
    dogeyed Member Posts: 884
    edited January 2012

    GREEN, you totally crack me up!  Now, that meter man, if heaven forbid your husband wanders off into the hinterlands, sounds like he's a prospect!!!  Ha!  SOOO glad you wrangled the insurance thing, what a relief.  And on your father, I recall when a dear friend of mine was headed downhill, SEEMS like they had to go from hospital to hospice, so that may come up, I don't know, just wanted you to be prepared they may have to float him in there before they grant it, but things may differ from state to state. 

    So, the intervention is on?!?  Do you HAVE to go?  Ha, that'd be good, I can see it now, they all gather to intervene, and a flower delivery man shows up with a message from you, "I hope you all have success with your intervention.  Everyone needs one now and then!"  Hahahaha.  Oh, I'm a little devilish, to be sure.  Oh, and just in case you need some "Good Going Girl" stuff, I am a FIREWORK, too (don't you love that song!?!... "baby you're a firework..."), and MY normal is to cry, lose it, and I've thrown all sorts of things like a plate of spinach (interesting wallpaper), but NO harm done, plus I can barely control it, and I'm even actually GOOD at control now!  I mean, really, we ladies have cancer, for crying out loud!  It doesn't take rocket science to understand we might be a tad nervous.  GG

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited January 2012

    Thanks for my morning laugh Dogeyed!  seems we are animals for a reason.  there have been several "silly shannon" things that happened this past week and I really need to write it all out before I lose it.  

    Thanks Maggie!!!! and thank you everyone for reading me.

    the Table Manners post is sad, but I was in a sad mood last night.  

    I am having a pajama party this weekend if anyone wants to come to my house.  I live about 45 minutes outside of NYC.  

    I was thinking about sending flowers to the intervention!  or maybe a leg of lamb or a giant horse head. 

    I guarantee you there will be FIRE!  we will be burning things and I will be spinning fire. This is one of the things that makes me strange and also one of the things I love about me.  How many 52 year old grandmothers do you know that spin fire?  sometimes topless? I only do the topless thing at Burning Man - Burning Man is anual event that takes part in the desert once a year.  My son wanted to go before he died and never made it so I went in his honor and I've been hooked on it ever since.  My story about it is called..... Green Monkey.  It's the closest I've come to ever being published.  It's on the official Burning Man website and also being included in a book that was supposed to be released a few years ago. Green Monkey signifies the beginning of my healing after the death of my son.  

    YOu... all of you here, are the beginning of my healing from BC.

    much love, Monkey ME 

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited January 2012

    GM - read the post on your blog. The sleep disturbances and hypersensitivity are very common unfortunately.  Here is what I did  and recommend for you:  Get an IPOD and download PODCASTS onto it - NOT music, which allows your mind to wander, but talking podcasts. Nothing heavy, but something reasonably interesting. I used the Moth which are stories people tell that take about 15 min, some travelogues, some cooking talks and some Dan Savage  - which is very a graphic sexual call in show (you have been warned).   When you wake up, reach for the IPOD, put it on and listen, in the dark. The talking will force you to listen and concentrate, and stop your mind from wandering (which will not work with music which can make you ever MORE emotional). You will fall asleep with the earbuds on - I promise. Then when you wake up and realize you still have them on, just take them off and push them away (don't wake all the way up to put it on the table, just leave it in bed with you) and drift back to sleep.  This is a VERY tried and true method.  There is nothing worse than lying awake in bed worrying. Every single fear is magnified in a dark quiet house.  Try this and let me know how it goes.

    Sending peace your way -

    Amy 

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited January 2012

    Thanks Amy! anything but sleeping pills is an option for me.  I think the more I relax BEFORE bed, the easier it will be for me to sleep solidly.  the laptop downstairs as well as the cell has made a huge difference.  Also.. no clock... don't look!  :)  

    I feel very peaceful today after my second opinion.  realize I need a third, but I feel calm.  and I'm focusing on my dad now... because his end is near.  but im at peace with that too.  

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  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited January 2012

    Amy, you are so right! When I was first told by father Christmas the first onco to tell me I had cancer. He was great and looked like father Christmas. He said when you get home have a glass of wine and go to bed with your radio. Listen to the talk show before you go to sleep and when you wake at 3am. He said you will be in a state of shock, listening to the talk show will take your mind of it because you are listening to lots of people. Do you know i did this for a week not just me but also hubby and it got us through the tough times. I still sometimes do this but have to say I go to bed at 10.30pm listen and read and have no problems with sleep.

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  • dogeyed
    dogeyed Member Posts: 884
    edited January 2012

    GREEN, wow, you REALLY ARE a firework!!!  How cool is that!  And I am familiar with Burning Man, I've seen several on TV, it just blew me away.  I am so sorry about your father, what a heavy thing to happen, seems like a lot of ladies who come to this website wind up losing a family member or some other equally scary disaster.  And there's more than a few threads, I think in the Relationship section, that say, "My husband is leaving me."  And I remember when my husband had cancer years ago, he said he met a man who came home and told his wife, and she packed up and left him cold. 

    At least our older dogs lived long enough, one to get me thru chemo, and the other to get me thru rads, they were such a comfort to me.  BUT the good news is, it's been about three months we've been dogless, but husband and I are on the last day or two of cleaning our home, readying it for a NEW DOG!!!  Ohhh, I cannot wait.  We've been discussing how we need smaller dogs, and these talks have focused us on NOT getting another German Shepherd Dog, our all-time favorite.  I saw a blue heeler who needs adopting, I spotted him online becuz we haven't gone to the shelters yet, and we're not sure just exactly how big this one is, so we agreed if we cannot pick him up, we cannot get him.  I have his picture on our desktop, and every morning now, I've looked at him, and he warms my soul.  But we'll see.  Any little one who is furry and loves us thru their eyes will be the one.

    But GREEN, in the beginning, I could not see the road ahead at all.  It was all about treatments, one right after the other, not to mention fear, but you are fortunate, in my view, in that you have a very "good" kind of cancer, if there's such a thing, good likelihood you'll make it.  And I made up my mind once I saw the light at the end of the tunnel with my last treatments of radiation, that I could now actually make some plans!  And eventually this will happen for you, too.  As John Mayer said in his live LA album, I think from 2008, "Dreams, I've got dreams to remember..."  GG

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited January 2012

    Hello everyone, 

    I've been absent here.  My dad died Sunday night.  I am a daddy's little girl.  I have been following him closely my entire life  I was there when he passed.

    My biopsy report came back on my left breast positive for ADH.  

    My husband came back from his "intervention" in time to witness my fathers last breath. He's back on "team shannon"  ... so, I feel calmer.  

     lots to write about, but first on my list is my dad's eulogy. 

    I spoke to the Monsignor this morning and when I told him I would be giving a eulogy, he warned me to keep it no longer than 5 minutes.  HA!!!!!!  How dare you say that to me!  I'm going to let him know how callous that was AFTER the service.  and... I'm going to do my best to stretch my eulogy to 15 minutes ..... UGH!!! His concern, was that they have a 12:05 mass.  I said, "but our service is at 10:00, right?"   

    I slept in the master bedroom last night. I slept well.  

    oh.... here is something that is truly remarkable.  

    My dad passed away at 9:50 pm on Sunday.  

    My daughter has always refered to my father as her ONLY grandfather, because her grandfather on her fathers side molested her when she was 7.  

    At 6:50 am on Monday morning, 9 hours after my fathers passing, my daughters BAD grandfather died.  

    "grandpa took care of him"  my daughter said.  

    YEP... he sure did. 

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited January 2012

    Deepest condolences on the loss of your father.  I am glad things are better with your husband.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2012

    GM, So sorry about the loss of your dad.  Less sorry about the loss of the bad grandfather. 

    Do the eulogy you want!  I remember the stupid stuff that the priest said about my grandmother at her funeral. He didn't know her and made stuff up instead of asking us.  I wanted to say "Oh for crying out loud, let me do this!"  I should have.

    I'm glad your husband is back on your team !

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  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited February 2012

    So sorry for the loss of your father. :( It's always too soon to lose a parent.

    After reading your original post, I was going to say LAWYER UP SISTA, but it sounds like you do want to make things work with DH and that he is coming around. If the two of you can get through this together, I bet you can get through anything together...

    Take care of yourself...this stuff is making me crazy...I cannot imagine dealing with it PLUS marital issues PLUS the death of a parent. I would have to become a raging alcoholic. Do what you have to do to take care of you.

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  • dogeyed
    dogeyed Member Posts: 884
    edited February 2012

    VERY sad to hear about your father, GREEN.  But wow, your hubby came, that is a fine thing.  And I thought your daughter's comment was extremely well-done.  Carry on, dear one!  GG 

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited February 2012

    I hate to speak too soon but..... I'm feeling less CRAZY.  

    Someone said this somewhere along the way, but I guess now that I have a plan, I'm calming the fuck down.  (I still enjoy swearing)

    And I'm able to see the positive in a lot of the crap that happened to me lately. 

    I'm playing the cancer card left and right.  I'm forcing the husband into therapy. He clearly has fantasy issues that he needs to address. I'm also leaving him in April (one month post surgery) for a period of one month and then we'll revisit it. He can come if he wants but I'm not saying that.  He'll need to figure all that out on his own.  As I said somewhere along the way, "I am in charge of ME and he is incharge of HE.

    "The husband has no job" thing is being used to negotiate costs of plastic surgeon, since he is out of network.  

    I'm going to let husband take care of me.  If he decides to stay after all this recovery, that should make me feel better about ME as a woman.  Or not... time will tell.

     My core circle of friends have been great.  One was too preachy and I had to put her on the bench.  but the rest are FABULOUS!  YOU guys have been fabulous!  

    I started writing again.  Nothing heavy but at least I'm writing.  

     my latest post is: 

    http://greenmonkeytales.blogspot.com/2012/02/help.html

     I miss my Dad so much but I know he's not gone... he's just not here.

    I am actively working towards healing my relationship with my sister because she's the only thing I have left of my father.  I know this makes Dad happy.

    how is everyone else doing?  xoMonkeyME  aka Shannon

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited February 2012

    p.s.  MRI scheduled for 2/21 - surgery the week or so after that.  I still don't have an exact date.  Haveng a bilateral mastectomy with direct to implants (not expanders) - using cohesive gel implants.  

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited February 2012

    Shannon - glad you are doing ok.  But i am confused - you keep referring to having lost your health insurance. Were you not able to go onto COBRA?

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited February 2012

    what losing insurance means to me is .. I am no longer covered under a corporate america.  so... we have to fit the bill.  "859.00" per month out of pocket (which we can NOT afford) and then (after 18months)... I am officially uninsurable.  Amy... you like to challenge.  You are fierce.  its interesting to watch! 

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited February 2012

    Shannon - I sent you a PM.

    Amy 

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited February 2012

    yes I read it. I'm not a behind the curtain kind of girl.  If I have something to say, I say it for everyone to hear.  You, Amy, are the first, and hopefully only person on here that is judgemental. I don't know why people have to be that way. I never understood it.  I try very hard to listen.  To be open to lots of different ideas, and people.   Hell, when you suggested (I think it was you) that I would have been arrested for what I did to my husband - I actually went to the police station and explained what happened.  I was told I would not have been arrested.  But, I listened to you.  I was open to it. 

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited February 2012

    So... its valentines day.  I'm focused on 3 things: 

     1.  the Westminster dog show (dogs make me smile!)

     2. the reality that my nipples will no longer stimulate me.

     3. how to make cancer more romantic (as I recuperate from watching Love Story) 

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  • dogeyed
    dogeyed Member Posts: 884
    edited February 2012

    Hearts to Green !!!

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  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited February 2012

    Hi Hun, long time no speak how the hell are you. My update is had second chemo which was shit for me. Good news is lymph nodes and breast lump has shrunk by 50% and had to have a clip in today.

    DH and I are going to posh hotel on Friday for a chill out time.



    Hugs to you

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited February 2012

    Ali!  I was just thinking of you!!!!  50% shrinkage sounds GREAT!  Chill out time sounds good too :)  thanks for checking in.  

    I had my MRI pushed up to tomorrow.  I need to get this show on the road.  I'm ready to face my fears.  My husband has stepped up big time.  After our 3rd BC appointment he finally started to understand why I wanted a double mastectomy (especially when the biopsy on the second breast came back with ADH). Our problems remain but I want him near me while I recooperate.  I told him he's free to go when I recover (whenever that is) and he says he's here to stay.  When I'm feeling better I'll try my best to get him into therapy so that he can deal with his 'fantasy" issues.  Bottom line is..... I love him.   and I am certain I'm going to need him.  BIG HUG to you Ali!!! xoMonkeyME 

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  • GreenMonkey
    GreenMonkey Member Posts: 666
    edited February 2012

    p.s. 

    sleeping better but ......oh the nightmares are terrible!  

    Tomorrow would be my son's 33rd birthday.  This is NEVER a good time of the year for me.  His birthday is even harder than the anniversary of his death.  Also, dealing with missing my dad :(  

    I still need to write about the days leading up to his death.  It was beautiful in many ways.  

    this post is my latest:

    http://greenmonkeytales.blogspot.com/2012/02/and-in-end.html 

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  • Cyborg
    Cyborg Member Posts: 848
    edited February 2012

    I love you Greenmonkey

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  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited February 2012

    Thinking of you on this day you must have very mixed feelings, happy and sad. Let me know how MRI goes?

    Wearing wig today as a try out, I hope the wind doesn't catch it.



    Big hug hunny.

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