just plain depressed

OMG complain away!! Thats what this site is for...scream  rant cry we all have been there. I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Sorry you are dealing with a double C diagnosis. None of which is easy. We all feel that loss of who we used to be and although everyones journey is different in length we all experience the same feelings of anger and sadness. Its hard to ever think you will feel joy again...but you will. It takes time. You are so early in your diagnosis give yourself time to heal the physical wounds before you tackle the emotional. Let yourself feel what you feel. I know what you mean about putting on a happy face for others. Sometimes we feel like we are such a downer to everyone around us. BUT the reality is we've been through a lot and you are right..no one understands it unless they've been through it. Thats what make BCO such a wonderful place to bond and vent.. You will discover you are not the only one with these feelings and it does make it easier to know you are not alone. It does get easier it just takes time which in the beginning you hate hearing I know. I will say as I went through treatment I felt like time stood still. I thought I would never feel better , that all the aches and pains were forever. Now its all just a distant memory. I honestly cant remember the pain nausea or fatigue. I think I flushed it from my memory. You will be the same way...and when you are done and feeling better you will be so proud of the strength you never knew you had. Losing control of life is absolutely horrible...but in time things will get back on track...we are forever changed by this experience but down deep we are still the same person. Maybe with more appreciation for life...less tolerence for bad friends or ignorant people...but in time you will be back to riding your horses and loving your family. Just take this time to be selfish and give your body the rest and healing time it needs. You have been through so much trauma. I would also ask your BS or Onc for an antiaxiety. Ativan is a BC gals best friend. I took it at night to help me sleep and still take a pill every now and again when I have a mammo or MRI since I get so nervous during those times. Also, talk to your PS about what you can do for your skin to help it heal and ease the pain. I did not do rads so I have no advice to offer in that area.

I also wanna say I have been on Tamoxifen for one and a half years...nothing! Not one side effect. In the beginning maybe some bloating and crampy pains but like so many I was scared to death of the side effects. I sat down with my Oncologist and he went over a study of Tamoxifen and its side effects and stated how very rare the most severe side effects are. Then he went on to say...if the side effects are horrible...you can stop it...switch to another drug if you are post menopausal. I think you will find all your fears put to rest when you start taking it. Oh I also have irregular periods...thats it. Really has been uneventful. I am sure you will do just fine on it.  

I post often on the Great Sayings about Depression thread and there was a good post about the process of grieving the loss of a breast. It was somewhere in the beginning of December if you wanna look back for it. it was very insightful. I wish docs would just tell you up front it may take a year or two for your body to feel good again. I also did acupuncture following chemo which was a Godsent for relieving my joint pain and helping me relax and sleep without meds.

Hang in there...PM me anytime if you have questions. Nothing is off limits.

Wishing you a peaceful evening

Diane

It is normal, normal, normal to feel depressed!  When I was diagnosed 19 years ago, I had never experienced any particularly traumatic adversity in my life and I basically curled up into a little ball for about two years.  But the anxiety and depression eventually subsided and I lived a normal life, ultimately free from the fear of recurrence.  Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with a new bc last month - but my prognosis is great and I am feeling what I consider to be normal ups and downs.  I firmly believe in medication and talk therapy together to relieve depression when needed, as well as support groups - just being with other women going through a similar experience is such a relief.  Best of luck to you and keep visiting here.  At my first diagnosis, the Internet as we know it today did not exist and I did not have the kind of support available today.  We are here for you - there is always someone here to talk to. xxx ooo

Dear sdmeyer, what you are feeling is so very normal, you have a right to feel like your life has been torn about because it has.  You are so far away from being a normal school teacher and grandma, it is almost impossible to put on a happy face.  Give yourself time to grieve, cry, rant and rave - your life as you knew it is so far away.  Keep coming to these boards to be with women who have walked in your shoes.  It takes time to start feeling like you again.  I am 2 years out and that first 6 mos. is all a blur.  I see a counselor and take anti-depressants, klonipin and levoxthyroxin for hypothyroid.  Make sure that you are tested for thyroid levels, they should be in the 2 range, if your anxiety is still too much to deal with, ask for more klonopin or a switch to xanax or ativan.  I find the klonopin works well for me and I am beginning to lower my dosage of it, along with my doctor.  I used to measure my progress by the number of kleenex I left behind after an hour session.  One time we walked, talked and I cried for the whole hour.  The more you talk about it the better, the feelings and fears you have have to be talked to death so they start to loosen their hold on you.  I was extremely lucky in my choice of counselors, he started learning about cancer and PTSD, any information I had, I made a copy for him.  Now we chat, remember 2 years down the road.  In the beginning I saw him once a week, and if I got too sad or scared in between I called his emergency cell and we would talk for 15-20 min., till I calmed down.  When I joined BCO, I was lucky enough to find two mentors who had been down this horrible road, I PM'd them with their permission and practically lived on different threads throughout the day, talking to them.  I studied the active threads and would join in if I had something to offer, just like tonight when I found you. Feel free to PM me if you think it may help, there is a burn cream called Silver-dine (something like that) that is very effective in dealing with the burns of rads. Right now you are in the throes of active treatment and no matter where you turn bc is staring you in the face, I still take a roundabout drive to avoid having to drive by the radiation oncology building.  In a while the appts. will start leveling out and the time between appts. will lengthen and you will have talked about all the feelings bottled up inside you.  My counselor also made me a tape of his voice leading me through a progressive relaxation tape and I used that too.  I am also on an AI and have aches in my knees, but that's the only side effect.  If the Tamox. doesn't work or has too many side effects you can try something else or just take a break from it.  This site was a haven for me, still is, I have met some wonderful people, 8 of us live in an hours distance of each other and we meet each month for lunch and talk, they are some of the greatest women I know.  It will get better, it just takes time and distractions to keep your mind occupied.  You have found a great support team, use it as much as you need.  Sending hugs your way, Karen

You're totally right...they don't get it.  You need to surround yourself with people who have traveled roads like yours and ... sure enough...we get depressed, suffer with pain everyday, keep our thoughts and worries hidden.  But we get through it.  You're in a tough spot right now...that radiation is a bitch!!  I was "Kentuck Fried Chris" for a long time (busted, bleeding skin with a nice milk chocolate BURN). 

Be easy on yourself.  You're body and mind have been poisened.  Your every nerve tested.  Remember...one step at a time.  That's all you have to do. 

Dear sdmeyers, I understand that feeling of where am I in all this, where did the strong me go, I was a rock for all the troubles in my life, then all of a sudden I was this puddle of tears and guilt and weakness.  Find your moments of peace with your horse, for all the other things, all you have to do is show up. I do recommend finding a therapist and examining the possibility of medication to help with that terrible feeling of anxiety and depression.  Talk therapy or crying hour with an impartial ear is essential to me.  Just to have someone else to talk, talk, talk to.  Sending gentle hugs to you and your horse for comforting you.  Karen

sdmeyers...your daughter went to her own depth of hell.  Now it is your turn.  Two things.  One: be sure your daughter handles this well.  Watch that she does not backslide in her recovery.  Two: IF she is strong and healthy, she may be your best ally and source of support.  As an adult, she can be there for you.

I was also diagnosed wig thyca and had a thyroidectomy in Aug..it's doing havoc with my body trying to get the values under control..hope your feeling better soon