CANCER MAKES YOU CRAZY

Green Monkey, I can tell you are in a lot of emotional pain. I don't have the expertise to help you but I want you to know I read your post and can see you are suffering a lot. Having just been diagnosed with cancer has no doubt added to your unhappiness.



Do you already have a therapist? If so, I think you need to talk to your therapist about what's been happening for you recently. If you don't have a therapist, then go and talk to your family doctor as soon as you can get an appointment.



Do you have family or a close friend who you can talk to over the weekend?



I hope you can get some help where you are soon.



Also remember this site is here for you throughout your cancer journey.

Green Monkey, Oh, yeah, I know where you're coming from.  A cancer diagnosis isn't for sissies, that's for sure.  Yup, I went crazy, too, in a rather similar fashion.  Now, my husband didn't do anything to make me angry... you had good reason to rant and rave and throw stuff "near" your husband, he's really got to find something ELSE to distract himself besides these hurtful excursions into the land of other women's company.  With me, it was my emotional distress from being told I just might die that overwhelmed me enough to where I grabbed a lamp, swung it at husband, crashed it into a kitchen cabinet along the way, flames issued out the end, and burnt his fingers.  I screamed and cried, and told him from there out, I was number one, he was number two, and until this thing was straightened out, that's how it was going to have to be.

Things calmed down to a dull roar, husband later told me he thought I had gone around the bend, and I told him I was just a little upset about being told I had cancer.  We had no more blow-outs like that one.  I got thru all the treatments, and I'm afraid I was a terrible patient, constantly whining and weeping over absolutely nothing, which I think is pretty dang normal for any cancer patient.  But anyhooo, we made it thru, the day finally came when I announced he was number one again, and I looked in on how he was feeling, and I was amazed at how hurt and depressed he had become thru the whole nine-month treatment ordeal.  So, we pulled ourselves together, drifted in silence for about a month, until slowly we reconnected in old familiar ways, watching TV movies together, I asked him about his fav subjects, and we even discussed future plans.  The future, that's a hard one.

I'm here to tell you this thing between you and your husband will play out one way or another, you will manage one way or the other, and he will either come to his senses or he won't.  And intervention?!  Gee whiz!  What's up with that!?  This is not the time for his family to interfere, that's for sure.  You are officially sick with cancer, you will be tested beyond all reason with treatments, and all the while you're in pain, can't think straight, it really sucks.  I think your husband deserved a good telling off, he needs to behave especially right now, and help you out, for crying out loud.  All this sneaking around he's been doing has got to stop.  He doesn't need a vacation from you; he needs a vacation from his own demons. 

I agree with the other posters here, you need a friend, a relative, maybe a couple visits to your cancer clinic's social worker to vent, and just walk on into all this crazy stuff until every last bit is done to cure you up good, and the whole world will just shine one day, I felt it nearly a year out, I cannot tell you how good it felt to be ME again.  Oh, I'm still haunted with a few fears, the ones we cannot do one thing about, fate goes its own way, and we go ours.  But gosh, Green, I feel for you, if you wind up having to do all this stuff without someone special in the next room to listen to your feelings, to help you with things, to understand, and to love you just like always.  We had two older dogs, and they saved me during all this, too.  I hope you have pets, they can be your lifeline, along with the ladies in this forum, as you well know already.  I admire your spunk, I'm sorry about your husband being such a bad guy right now, and I hope this whole thing simmers down into something a tad more normal abnormal.  GG

Really. He has more issues than you do. Lock the door to his wacky family and him and get on with it. He sounds like a 12 year old!

Hi Hun, you know you can message me day or night. Your hubby will never change so kick him out for now and when your ready and you want to talk to him then do it. You are a very strong person and what you have done to him is nothing. When you seeing the doctor again?

Don't worry about your daughter I've been through that with all three of my girls.



Love & hugs

Yes cancer does make you a kind of crazy....and  no the universe is not picking on you.  I went thru 2 failed marriages and moved here to help my parents who never cared and now my sister has disowned me and stolen the entire inheritance for herself with the help of her daughter's husband's grandfather who owns a law firm and I couldnt afford to hire a rug shampoo guy much less a gravy train probate lawyer..and my friend who doesnt have cancr went thru 4 failed marriages and her son got killed in the new car they bought him for high school grad at the hs grad party! So life is very tough sweetheart I am sorry to say so put on your helmet and buckle yourself in cuz its one hell of a ride! Practical advice,call the American Cancer Society and get a mentor,call your nurse patient coordinator and get a therapist referral and maybe consider a trial separation from the DH until he decides to get the help he needs.

Green - when you say he doesn't believe you have cancer, can you clarify? I have read on this forum that sometimes and among some people that DCIS is considered pre-cancer or not cancer.  I know there is a lot of controvery about this. I did not have DCIS so I don't know much about it nor have a position on it. But I was wondering - does he believe that DCIS is not cancer (which is a viewpoint that some people - both patients and medical providers hold) or does he not believe anything is wrong with you at all (which is more like complete denial)?

I think you have to understand that when you start to act/speak in ways that are very out of character in a time of crisis, it is frightening to those around you. My husband and I had some rough moments in the beginning of this and it scared me to think that I could endanger our marriage on top of EVERYTHING ELSE I was going through.  He felt that i was so unstable that I was not capable of making healthcare decisions that were in my best interest, and I was infuriated that he would see me that way.  It was a bad time.  I also felt convinced that I would never be able to trust or see my body in a sexual way again, and that scared him.  i spent A LOT of time on the phone getting support from the bc community (this was before I found this website) and he felt left out and marginalized, like he was losing me already.  The whole thing was terrible. But as I said before, after a little while, for me at least, it did calm down. When we started actually going through the treatment process, we drew close and leaned on each other and now, almost 3 years later, we are much stronger than ever before.

I saw on some other threads that you are already deciding about your treatment - chemo yes, rads no, tamox no, etc.  Please don't do this. You are not ready. Take one step at a time - get professional input from doctors you trust, do some research on your own, and then make your choices when it is time. Otherwise it all can be very overwhelming.

I think I read that you are going to Sloan Kettering today. Good luck. I hope you have someone going with you to help absorb the info and take notes. if not, please take GOOD notes and read back to the doc what you learned so you are sure you have the relevent points. I consider myself an excellent listener but in that situation, my whole system was so overstimulated and running on adrenaline, that I was all over the place and unable to focus, concentrate and retain.

Let us know what you find out and the wonderful women on this board will help you walk through it, figure things out and get a plan in place.

You can do this. Just take it one step at a time (not to be too cliche, but this is one time that phrase is really appropriate).

Amy 

Good grief, GREEN, what the...!?!  Reminds me of the man in Florida where they cut the wrong leg off, so in the end he winds up with zero legs.  I imagine the Sloan docs will pay extra close attention to you, what with the others screwing up, so that's good.  And glad home life is back to subnormal.  VERY sad about your father, of all things.  Well, we'll be hanging out here, ready for the next news flash.  GG

WOW. I am trying to read through all you wrote but I can sense the high emotions in it.

You may not like what I have to say.

 Getting a cancer diagnoses is devastating, horrifying, scarey, emotional, you name it, we, who have had cancer, know it. It is especially worse when there are other circumstances...like your husband losing his job and insurance, the old boyfriend, the wandering husband's behavior, and the disgusting brother in law.

I can only go by what you wrote. First of all, I do not think your violent behavior is normal. In the state of Wisconsin, had your husband called the police in when you shoved him, raged on, threw the laptop on the sofa, you would have been arrested under domestic abuse and/or placed on a 72 hour psych hold in a psychiatric hospital. That, to me, is a rage beyond control and needs help. Of course, him and his family are probably worried that it would happen again. You may need a psychological and drug therapies to get you through this right now. And I think the two of you need counseling as a couple, perhaps.

As far as the stalker, you said he friended you on facebook as a fake personality. From what I know of facebook, you would have had to accepted the fake personality's friendship request. 

DCIS is a good cancer to get. I know, its an oxymoron. It is the lowest stage cancer one can get and I hope for you it does not have an invasive component.

This website and csn.org (the American Cancer Webstie) have wonderful information on the basics of cancers and treatments.

I think you would benefit from a social worker or breast cancer care coordinator to help you through your treatments, information on programs or state insurances to help you. I did hear a rumor that Obama has a cancer insurance for people diagnosed with cancer for a year. I do not have any information on that, but that is where the social worker or breast cancer care coordinator would help.

I totally understand about medical professionals making some major mistakes. I have had more than my share in a very short period of time from my neurologist and her nurse, both oncologists at a certain clinic, a surgeon and her surgical technician, plastic surgeon,etc etc. It is AWFUL while you are going through it, believe me , I know. And I had my own verbal tirades at the dept. managers ( at that certain clinic, I learned reporting them to the patient advocate was more of a pat me on the head, there, there, kind of thing).

I had a bilateral mastectomy with bilateral node dissection. After my lumpectomy, the surgeon gave me the information about my cancer and available treatments for it. I knew right away what I wanted, but took a night to talk about it to my spouse, and called her back the next morning that I had not changed my mind.

Mastectomy is not for everyone, but it appears that you have your mindset on it. I did, too. 

I now believe that our doctors should present all the information necessary and help guide us to a decision that is best for us. But in the end, it is the patient that decides which way the treatment should go.

You seem to have soooo many issues swimming around life and in your head, I think  you need an impartial (meaning not your friends) person to help untangle the mess little by little.

I am glad the visit to SK was helpful. However, I do not understand why your insurance will end on 1/31. You should have a 90 (I think) day window to accept COBRA.  You absolutely must do this, to keep coverage and get all this treatment paid for. Yes, I know it is expensive. Yes, I know it sucks. But medical bills will suck more. PLEASE have your husband find out from his HR department about the benefits that he is legally entitled to, and sign up for them.  Plus, I hope he is out there looking HARD for a job - and hopefully will land one that has benefits again.

I felt like I wanted both breasts gone in the beginning. My surgeon was part of the 'breast conservation movement' (didn't know there was such a thing) and encouraged me otherwise. I had the lumpectomy and am glad I did. Plus it is a FALSE sense of security to say that if you remove your breasts, the bc cannot recur.  There is always breast tissue remaining after a mx, they cannot remove it all.  So while I know it can feel like a safety measure - "Just cut these off me so I never have to go through this again" - it is really not so.  

PLEASE please take your time about all this. I swear I felt like my breasts had betrayed me and would always be my enemy, but after a while, this changed and is definitely no longer so. I just don't want you to jump based on the strong emotions you are feeling now and then have regrets. Everyone feels differently about this issue and you will get a variety of women's experiences on here. Just please try to get quiet and listen to your heart and not leap based on fear or panic.

I agree with CinnamonSmiles  - i think a social worker or care coordinator would help you very much. It is worth looking into.

Hi Hun,you would be very proud of me today. I got up and thought I'm going back to that place and won't let those woman get me down. The staff were so lovely and kind and kept saying how sorry they were that no staff had looked after me. Had a good chat to the manager who turned out to be someone I know. They were fab and I had reflexology which was good.



Hope your ok and resting xxx



Alison

Hi Amy, reflexology was really good very calming and good for stress, water works and bowels haha all the things that are wrong with me.